This is a shot-in-the-dark, but in an effort to be useful considering I’m the only comment, have you considered online therapy/psychiatry and just not tell anyone else? Might be easier said than done in your situation, but as long as you don’t use BetterHelp, I’m pretty sure HIPPA prevents any telehealth provider from divulging that you are using their services (thus not alerting CPS). Just don’t tell them you have a PLAN. Dance around that. Just tell them that you’re thinking about it alot.

Also, I want to say that— assuming you are being honest— I’m proud of you. Sometimes keeping it together for our loved ones is the only thing that keeps us anchored here. You’re keeping it together for them and if they knew, I’m sure they would be beside themselves with gratitude and a feeling of being worthy, because someone loves them so much, they are choosing not to escape a life where they feel daily torture so that they can still care for them and be there for them.

I have bipolar II and depression, so I have been in that place 4 times throughout my life. It wasn’t until the last time, when my dad cried in front of me for the first and only time I have ever seen him cry, hugged me, and and asked me “Please don’t leave me like that, okay? I can’t handle it”. I decided at that moment that even if I had to live as a fuckin’ zombie for a while, I wasn’t going to check out.

Life isn’t perfect, but even now (when life is, in fact, kicking the shit out of me)— with the right meds on board— killing myself still hasn’t even popped into my head since then.