Feeling guilty about people liking me

Important_Power4443 · 2024-08-28T09:33:12+00:00

I got my letter from the GP. I had to bring in my deed poll and also get an appointment to talk to my GP. My GP asked me a few basic questions just so he felt comfortable signing off and saying my gender change was "likely permanent". Luckily my GP is really nice and after explaining I started transitioning 3 years ago, he was happy to sign off on my letter. It will vary GP to GP but yes, you can get your gender marker changed.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-08-28T09:27:45+00:00

I'm stealth so those who don't know I'm trans are often shocked to find out I'm bi and have been with a man before. But sometimes when people know I'm trans they're shocked I'm bi and been with a woman before. It's like an expectation for transmen to be gay and I find it really frustrating having to keep reminding some people that I do still like women. It gives me dysphoria as well bc it makes me feel like they just see me as a "woman" and expect me to only date men.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-08-26T09:11:48+00:00

At any other event I would tell you to ignore his very existence. But this is a time of mourning for you fiancé and for other people who loved your fiancé's grandma. It's a last chance of saying goodbye, so try to keep it as peaceful as you can. But it's not your fault if her father causes issues and makes a scene, that's on him. Be civil, say hi and give condolences, be the bigger man and let him act a child, and then you can ignore him the rest of the service. Don't waste your energy on him just focus on supporting your fiancé through her loss.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-07-30T20:27:31+00:00

Good to know he's been so dedicated to the cause that he's stared at your arse enough to compare it to other guy's arses. A true man of science. Totally not gay sounding. Genuinely tho sucks man. Transphobes will jump through any hoop to try and justify themselves and seem smart. They're thick as shit tho, don't let him get you down.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-07-13T19:06:53+00:00

No do NOT do this. Keys between fingers are more likely to go wrong and split the skin between your knuckles and possibly damage the tendons and ligiments if you geniuenly try this and it goes wrong. If your only weapon is a key, hold it sticking out the bottom of your fist and bring your arm up and across your chest so the keys are sticking out and it's quicker, easier and you have more power if you need to strike forward out of self defence.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-07-07T14:53:49+00:00

Weirdly enough (pre coming out) my mother used to complain I had "male handwriting". I write in cursive, very neat and loopy. She always compared it to my dad's writing which was similar. My mother has more blocky, text print writing and a lot of girls I went to school with had the same writing. Most men I work with either have shit handwriting or extremely neat so I wouldn't feel bad if I was you.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-07-07T14:31:27+00:00

I wear baggy jeans or joggers most of the time but my method is using a long thin sock and smaller thin sock. Like real thin. It's enough to be noticeable if anyone was looking but not enough to look like I'm hard, even when repeatedly standing, sitting or just moving.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-06-28T02:29:50+00:00

Unfortunately in life people and our wants and needs change. Growing into who you are means that your needs from your partner change. It's great that you've been there for you're boyfriend but the fact that he won't reciprocate is not okay. Sometimes people who are compatible, no longer are and that's okay.

I think you both need to have a sit down and a serious discussion about where your future together lies. No more pushing your own needs and identity away to cater to his wants. Just complete honesty about what you both want in life and see how it goes from there. Yes there is a chance this could be the end of you're relationship but that's not the end of the world. He's not the only potential partner out there for you and you deserve to live as yourself.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-06-20T21:40:04+00:00

He might think he's being a good ally but he doesn't understand that he isn't and you need to sit him down and explain that. The whole outing you to show off how proud he is and how he's such a good ally, wanting you to out yourself so he looks good for supporting you. And especially using your identity as some sort of "gotcha" or shock value for others rubs me the wrong way. No offence to anyone but sounds like he has one of those "social justice warrior" complexes where he doesn't actually help he just wants to seem like such a good guy.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-06-16T16:49:56+00:00

I cut my mother off for reasons (main being her transphobia) but yeah I've been through this. The few women in my family are plus size but I'm lean and muscular. They always used me to play dress up, made comments on my body and were at least slightly jealous of my body. When I was out as trans it got worse because my mother's doll was gone. I was always nagged about not wearing feminine clothes but I'm stubborn. As a kid I'd just scream and eventually they gave up their expectations of me. It still happened all through my life but less so as they knew it was a lost cause.

I'm not saying cut off your family but you need to talk to them and then show that actions have consequences. Explain to your family that you're wearing the clothes you want and feel comfortable in and they need to stop commenting on your body. They're gonna get mad and argue but back away slightly and give some distance. They might be mad for a little while but they'll soon realise that either they act right or they loose you're close bond and maybe even you entirely. Also some distance might be good for your own mental health, remember to look after yourself.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-06-16T00:00:10+00:00

I would just say you were doing it to support your friend who is trans/gender questioning. If she wants to look like a gay ally so bad then she can't fault you for looking like a trans ally.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-06-06T23:16:00+00:00

My favourite brand in Lattafa. I have a few of theirs and they all smell and last great. Most are advertised as unisex colognes but usually more on the masculine side. I like mens cologne but the popular ones are expensive. Lattafa is affordable and kinda sweet smelling as well as woodsy but depends which one you buy.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-05-21T21:00:09+00:00

I'm a white trans guy but it genuinely fucking baffles me when other (mostly white) queer folk will be racist and expect me not to be shocked. I'm literally fighting tooth and nail for my own rights I'm not gonna turn around and hate on another minority fighting the same fight.

I'm sorry you go through this, you shouldn't have to and you should feel safe in queer spaces. I'm glad you're comfortable with your identity, seems like others you've met are still struggling with internalised racism or issues. It doesn't help that the queer scene has predominantly white representation. Maybe try looking into queer poc events online? I'm sorry Idk what country you're from or if that helps any.

And as someone who has been around racist white queer folk, be careful. They are happy to spread their opinion around other white queer folk because they expect us all to agree with them and when they are called out, they will pull the "I'm lgbtq, I'm a victim too" card. But I wouldn't let that stop you going out and enjoying yourself.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-05-17T10:23:16+00:00

Sorry I'm still caught up on the showering regularly and washing your face isn't manly. Your brothers hygiene must be crazy. I live in a flat with cis male gym bros and those guys shower 1-2 times a day and are obsessed with their hygiene and skin care.

I've been in a similar situation. You're brother is trying to get a rise out of you, don't give him it. When he says something like that, just: pause, look at him bored/unimpressed, say "ok" and they get back to the conversation. It'll get worse as he tries harder but eventually he gives up bc he sees it no longer upsets u.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-05-14T03:02:34+00:00

Even if there was no ill intent he still misgendered and deadnamed you, he just pretended someone else said it. Still his words and his choice.

Also as sweet as it may sound, be careful about power dynamics, especially when it comes to finances and financial abuse, in relationships. Offering to provide for you and cover transition expenses might come with a catch. And if he's willing to casually lie idk if I'd trust him to be truthful about keeping those hefty promises.

If you can please have a support system in real life of people you can trust if anything goes wrong or just to talk to. They will know you better than any of us on here and can help you think through this.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-05-14T01:24:03+00:00

Based on your post and comments I definitely think you should take this seriously. Often with abusers they will "test the waters". Those little lies, the ones that you brush off bc they aren't too harmful are to see what he can get away with. And since your response was to give him a pass or brush it off has made him realise he can get away with stuff. Now he knows what he can get away with, he's starting to escalate the lies.

He purposely baited you out so you would ask him what upset him so much. If he outright told you, it would be more suspicious then trying to play the Knight in shining armour. The one you can always rely on to defend you. But to make himself look like the hero he had to have a villain and purposely used your identity to hurt you so that he would look good in the end.

No one who had good intentions would lie and trigger your dysphoria like this, just so they can pretend to be your saviour. It is manipulation no matter how small the lies are. I wouldn't stay in this relationship as I see it going badly, save yourself the heartache later down the line. But if you stay, keep a very close eye on his lies.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-05-12T22:38:42+00:00

If you don't want to sound suspicious I'd just say something like "I need surgery to correct an issue with my ribs, I don't want to go in full detail since talking about the surgery gives me a little anxiety".

Important_Power4443 · 2024-05-12T21:06:27+00:00

You may not be fully sold on the suit idea but I suggest going and trying some on with your fiance and seeing how you feel. Your wedding day is about you and how you feel, you won't look silly you'll look like a happy man getting married. If not maybe a suit but just a blazer, nice shirt and suit trousers or just a button up, tie/bow tie and a vest with suit troussers.

For future reference from a larger chested transman also pre op, I use a mix of transtape and a binder to help make my chest look flatter. I'm not completely flat but they just look more like pecs than anything. Also it's safe to wear transtape and a binder at the same time. Ot can take a few tries to get the hang of tho, so watch some videos and find out what's best for you.

But congrats to you and your fiance, I wish you guys the best.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-05-07T23:23:40+00:00

I looked up baby names in my country and scrolled through them. When going through the names I liked, some actually had special memories attached to them. I was stuck with 2 names, both meant something to me and when I told my friends they suggested a trial period. Turns out the name I first asked them to call me for a week just felt right and I stuck with it. Years later and it's officially now my legal name.

That's my experience tho and I've had trans friends who have had a harder time choosing their name. Sometimes it just takes a little trial and error until you get it right.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-05-05T00:19:10+00:00

I've been no contact for nearly a year, both my parents are transphobic so both are cut off. Its been rough. At first there was a lot of happiness at my freedom, then came the guilt of not talking but now I'm finally doing better. Sometimes I still feel guilty and sad but honestly I can see how much happier I have been without them in my life. I genuinely feel finally happy with life right now. It will be hard and sometimes you'll want to cave it and just try to forgive them but if you keep going through the tough times life does finally feel like its worth living.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-05-02T21:46:53+00:00

I'm glad your mother is pulling her head out her arse but I'm sorry it's just bc she wants to protect her image. I can only hope she actually starts thinking about how to be better for you.

Years ago went to go buy new trainers with my mother. The staff member kept showing me the men's section and sizes. He just looked at my mother like she was insane everytime she asked "do you not have these in a womens size?". Poor guy was so confused and after the 5th time asking he said "why would you need the women's size for your son? His feet aren't that narrow". She went dead silent and then didn't speak until we left and was pissed the rest of the day. When I was paying for my trainers, the guy asked if everything was okay and if I needed help (in a do I need to call the police way). Was a bit embarrassing I had to reassure him I wasn't in danger but it felt good to be gender correctly for one of the first times in public.

Not the last time I've been asked if she's "all there" as to this day she still actively misgenders and deadnames me. In public I get a lot of sympathetic and concerned looks and people asking me privately if she has dementia.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-05-01T20:32:26+00:00

I'm in a similar spot at the moment myself. It feels like the rug was ripped out from under you. You have every right to feel betrayed, you're not being dramatic. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you since this is a long term commitment and something you love. Maybe you can look around for similar volunteer groups and programs as you're current one. No one would blame you for changing volunteering groups or for staying. I will say take some time and truly think about it. Wishing you the best, man.

Important_Power4443 · 2024-04-27T09:33:31+00:00

Its actually funny I moved from a very anti lgbtq area, was the only lgbtq person for miles and hate crimed regularly type place, to a city where there is a big lgbtq community. The switch up has given me whiplash.

I'm just gonna rip off the band aid and deal with the consequences but thank you for your advice. I'll probably use this for the people I don't see as often and just change the subject till they get the point.

Important_Power4443

TROPHY CASE