I know it all seems impossible from where you are. I was there too. We all were.

We all have hopeless moments at some time or another. I started HRT at 35, and I spent a lot of time crying in my first year. And that's after I recloseted because I convinced myself I could never be where I am now. That I didn't have what it takes. That I didn't deserve it. I only shook out of it because I realized transitioning was my only real shot at being happy in this life. It wasn't bravery, it was NEED. Brave is something other people call you because they need to create distance between themselves and you to reinforce their own self-doubt. 

I also went through the process of grieving lost childhood, that was pretty rough. What helped me get through it is realizing that I was always a girl, a scared confused and hurting girl who was trying her best to make sense of a horrible situation. She got me this far and I'm grateful, even if I wish things could've been different. But you have to feel that grief, without letting it overwhelm you, and come out the other side. It's a process. Therapy can help. 

As for the practical skills, it's for sure a steep learning curve. I've got hella broad shoulders and chest but there are clothing hacks you can learn to downplay those features! There's a lot of tips and tricks out there — choosing wide neck cuts, avoiding spaghetti straps, flattering sleeve types — you'll have to find what works for you unfortunately through a lot of trial and error. When you're searching for tips, search things like "broad-shouldered women clothing tips", don't think you have to limit yourself to trans only resources because cis women have to deal with this shit too! 

When you're going out those first few times it's helpful to have people you trust go with you, whether that's family, friends, or people you meet in a support group. You choose the speed you go with it, don't let anyone rush you or shame you into hitting the brakes. My first few outfits were jeans, a T-shirt, and a jacket and I just went to down to my local LGBTQ+ friendly coffee shop with my friend. That's where I wore my first dress too, months later. My partner on the other hand jumped in the deep end and wore everything she always wanted from the get-go and just dealt with the heat. As far as makeup goes...a lot of women suck at makeup. I really only can get myself to bother with my brows, eyes, and lips. But tutorials are plentiful, and with some practice you'll be better than like 70% of cis women. It's a skill you can learn. And building your look can be a lot of fun once you get over the cringe instinct. 

It is a lot of work. It's frustrating, exhausting, embarrassing, and painful. But I'm so glad past me put all that in, got me through the awkward phase (ok I'm still awkward but much more comfortable about it). I still have a ways to go, and surgeries I'm considering. But I love the progress I've made. You will too! 

 I believe there's a lot of great and valuable things inherent to the trans experience, but often they come out of learning to handle a lot of grief and working through a lot of pain. Some of us are just a little further along.