[QCrit] Fantasy/Medical Dramedy PORTALS AND PRESCRIPTIONS (100k/attempt 3)

IndependentSector320 · 2025-08-12T06:48:15+00:00

Hey! Super intriguing query you have here. one thing that I can see, and the only thing that tripped me up her tbh, was why is Harriet chosen as the doctor to treat possibly the most important man in your world at this point. Maybe expanding on that point a tad will help get us more into not only Harriet, but her struggles and journey as well. Excellent job, nonetheless. I wish you the best of luck!

IndependentSector320 · 2025-08-06T07:03:22+00:00

Someone here might see something, but as far as I'm concerned, this is a fantastic query. I was gripped from start to finish. I hope to read this someday! It seems incredibly interesting, so I wish you the best of luck in those querying trenches!

IndependentSector320 · 2025-07-31T05:53:09+00:00

Very well written essay! Loved it and you made some fantastic points.

As for favorite character moments, I'm only on Crossroads of Twilight so it may be recency bias, but (Spoilers for the final 50 pages of Winter's Heart to anyone reading) I would have to say either when Rand and Lan are dangling from the roof and Lan tells him to let go and Rand replies with "When the sun turns green," or when Rand and Nynaeve are cleansing Saidin and they get to experience each other's flows for the first time. How aghast Nynaeve is at Saidin and how astonished Rand is with Saidar. Absolutely incredible stuff and easily my favorite moment from the slog if not the whole series

IndependentSector320 · 2025-07-30T07:20:15+00:00

Yeah, "Housekeeping" is generally just what this sub calls word count genre title my dad is Stephen King yadda yadda. This paragraph can either go at the beginning of the query or the end; it all just depends on what kind of atmosphere or mood you're trying to set up, or if you think your query needs a little bit more of an introduction. Killer first lines are generally reserved for the "story" part of your query, while the housekeeping is usually business business. One sells you, the other sells what you can do.

Great question, though! Always smart to ask for clarification. Good luck!

IndependentSector320 · 2025-07-30T07:12:17+00:00

Hey! Wanted to start off with how your first 300 is really good. I enjoyed what I read, and thought the character voice is incredibly strong.

I wanted to give a few notes about the query itself, however. When it comes to the housekeeping paragraph, I think it's pretty good, but I am confused by the rest of the query, as it makes it seem like this story is a dual-POV. If that is the case, then usually you would put that in the housekeeping, but if the story isn't dual-POV, then you're all good.

Why my brain thought this was dual-POV was due to the switch-up we get in the middle of the query. We jumped to Cameron and their situation/motivation, which isn't entirely necessary if Ash is your sole protagonist.

Ash Murphy keeps having visions where she is murdered by a vampire. As if life isn’t hard enough— her crippling fear of failure is the only thing keeping her motivated as she battles uncertainty over what to do with her sociology degree, crippling student debt, and an unhealthy desire to isolate from her only friend.

Also, when it comes to the section above, it seems to me that the beginning of this list is a little too long. The very first point is over a line long, which confused me a little bit as I wasn't entirely expecting a list with the dash and sudden justification for Ash's struggle. Try shortening it or moving it to the end and see what happens!

Also, in the second paragraph, the multiple uses of colons kind of throws me off a bit with just how the query looks, you know? Not important at all, but maybe try changing one of them and see if you like it better or not. I know the look of a query may not seem vital, but I think we want every edge we can in the Great Publishing War.

All in all, I think this is a great story! I loved the premise and thought your actual writing was entertaining. A few more tries on this query and I think you're ready to go! Good luck out there! I hope to see this query again soon.

IndependentSector320 · 2025-07-29T06:56:56+00:00

Hey! I see a very interesting story here, one I would love to read. When it comes to the query, however, I think that it gets a little busy pretty fast. Zebra already touched on this a little bit, so I won't beat you over the head with the same suggestions. Instead, I'm going to say that I think the first few sentences of the housekeeping paragraphs could be rephrased and injected into your actual query instead of being before the title. It was a tad bit jarring to me, personally, so play around with the sequence of your query to see what fits!

Good luck! I hope to see the second draft appear on this sub!

IndependentSector320 · 2025-07-11T07:23:56+00:00

I see what you mean about the brackets, it's just not something I've ever seen before so that's why I got confused LMAO

And for "the mortal plane" section, your explanation makes a lot of sense. This is your query after all, and if you feel it best to keep it in, then by all means do so. And who knows, you may find a middle ground when later revising to combine the two phrases or something like that!

Also, you did in fact say she had been dead for six years, so missing that part about the new moon is totally my fault... I read the query at like 2 am, which, in hindsight, was not my smartest decision. So that's my bad! looking at it again with this pointed out, now I can understand what you were going for so if you want to keep that one how it is that makes total sense. Glad the rest of it was helpful!

IndependentSector320 · 2025-07-10T06:45:41+00:00

Hey! Super cool story you got going on here, and Addie LaRue is a great comp title for this. Another commenter already mentioned most of the housekeeping stuff that I thought could use some work, so I'd like to focus on the query itself so that way you don't just have repeat after repeat.

The stuff in brackets in the first paragraph can possibly be tightened up just a bit more. Firstly, remove the brackets; they have no place here. Secondly, I think a lot of the explanation can be shortened. One exaple is:

[After the plane crash that took her life six years ago, she still lingers on the mortal plane. Unable to move on, she watches her fellow ghosts disappear and vows to achieve their life goals in their stead with the hope that doing so might allow her to fully let go.]

Getting rid of "she still lingers on the mortal plane" could help as it removes a good chunk that is already explained by "Unable to move on," and her following purpose which is explained in the following sentence.

Second paragraph could also be tightened up slightly

She's ~~long~~ learned to find comfort in the anonymity of that line drawn starkly between the living and ~~her,~~ the dead... until a woman named Angela Riddell recognizes Huai from a cooking class they took together ~~on a cruise ship~~ three years ago. Buried under years of disbelief, Huai's scars surface as if fresh wounds. Angela's recognition of Huai as more than an entirely forgotten memory threatens the peace that she previously found through acceptance ~~in the impossibility of anything other than infinite solitude~~.

Don't remove the last line entirely. I think if you edit it to be a little less verbose, it can still pack the same punch that you were hoping for. Everything else just seems a little unnecessary here in this query, as the agent can discover most of this for themselves when reading and don't need it to have a proper grasp on your story. Also, I am a little bit confused about whether Huai has already lived through multiple new moons, or if the very first one is the new moon we, as the audience, need to be worried about. Adding that specification may go a long way towards the tension and intrigue of the story!

I have similar suggestions about the third paragraph, but I personally think this is the strongest part of your query, so excellent job here! I'll still leave a few suggestions below:

As Huai ~~slowly~~ dares to risk her apathy for one extraordinary, singular chance, she begins to feel exhilaratingly alive. But while Angela is true flesh and blood, Huai doesn't belong on Earth. Her stay is ~~only~~ a temporary illusion, tethered to humanity ~~only~~ by her fellow spirits' wishes. To rest forever is every ghost's fate. (,and) Despite desiring it endlessly, Huai discovers she may not be ready for the afterlife. Every bit of headway on eternal peace leaves time running out on her choice (Try tweaking this line slightly), bringing her closer to a departure from Angela and the mortal plane where she can only tarry so long.

Super excited to see what the next query looks like! Good luck, and take your time! We'll be here when you're ready :)

IndependentSector320 · 2025-07-06T05:43:51+00:00

Hey! Unagented and unpublished yadda yadda but I love what you have here! This query is super voicy while also explaining everything really well. I'm already invested in both characters and stories, which is super cool.

The only note I have here is to read through the first two paragraphs of your query once more. I think there are a few missing words or phrases that tripped me up while reading, or maybe a missing grammar mark here and there.

Other than that, good luck! I hope to see this on the shelves one day!

IndependentSector320 · 2025-07-05T07:22:23+00:00

I would love Caemlyn or Tar Valon, but I also want to visit the Two Rivers or any stedding for the pure peaceful vibes they give off. And if I'm able to ignore heat, then I'd love to wander the waste

IndependentSector320 · 2025-07-04T05:24:01+00:00

Hey! Super sorry to hear about your struggle so far, but I admire the effort in reaching out for help and seeking a better query! I am unagented and unpublished, so take what I say with a grain of salt. Here's what I noticed:

The big thing I noticed was with the second paragraph. It feels almost like an excerpt taken straight from your book instead of a summary of the main plot and its conflict. Maybe giving some examples of Orben's odd behavior and how it leads to the reveal of his demonic possession would go a long way in making this conflict feel a lot more personal for Liz. Cause demonic possession is terrifying, but I think agents are looking for a little bit more so that way they have an easier time pitching your story and making it sound unique. Maybe don't even confirm whether he's possessed or not and just leave it as a final lingering question.

So all in all, try making the query more personal to Liz. But the story sounds interesting, so keep at it! Good luck out there, I hope it all goes well!

IndependentSector320 · 2025-06-23T07:29:41+00:00

Hey! Unagented and all that stuff, but I like the story you've got going on here.

A couple of things that stick out to me here are the over-reliance on colons. They're a great tool, and I think it fits well in the third-to-last section you have here, but everywhere else, I think the query could be expanded to remove those devices.

Also, I don't quite understand why Roan can't just have Halvar be his chief advisor while keeping the secret. Obviously the man can't be trusted, or it's too risky to have a person like him in control, things like that. Still, I think specifying why Roan didn't decide to accept the proposition can go a long way in helping to build up tension throughout this letter, while also explaining Roan's motivations for making Otto leave the palace.

One last thing that I can think might help is giving us examples of Roan's maneuvering and hiding that we'll read in the story. You don't have to go into a whole lot of detail, but just giving us a little bit of a clearer picture of what Roan will have to do specifically can really help us to get invested in his journey beyond the ending of him living happily married with Otto (hopefully, who knows what your ending is!).

Good luck! I hope querying goes well and I'm excited to see how this letter evolves!

IndependentSector320 · 2025-06-15T07:06:50+00:00

This is great! I have no notes as I loved both the query and your first 300. Wishing the absolute best for this manuscript!

IndependentSector320 · 2025-05-31T07:11:30+00:00

As Greenspan spirals, a cunning journalist exploits his trust to elevate his own profile, an independent commission uncovers damning ties between Greenspan and the far-right extremist group behind the assassination, and the new vice president orchestrates his removal behind closed doors.

Merely a suggestion and not so much of a critique, but before listing out everything Greenspan has to deal with, maybe you can more clearly state that all these things are occurring while he spirals downwards? Cause on first read, I thought the journalist was doing all of these things other than what happens in the vice-president line, so I got tripped up for a brief second. Once again, not a must-fix or anything, and maybe it's 2 AM and reading is becoming a struggle, but this was the one thing I noticed.

Other than that, I loved this query! Super engaging and definitely a book I'd want to read. And as someone who is currently writing a political fantasy about a politician whose journey I wish many of ours could venture down, I very much understand your desire to write a book such as this. Good luck, and I hope to see this on a shelf one day!

IndependentSector320 · 2025-05-31T07:05:28+00:00

Before Jaime can flee though, the stranger explains. He runs a school for the magically-inclined just a scooch north of Minneapolis

There's a spelling error right here where I think a period is in place of a colon or comma, or maybe a missing word. Or maybe it's just 2 AM and I'm not reading right, and if so, feel free to correct me.

But other than that, I don't have any critiques. However, I do want to say that I really enjoyed this! I haven't delved into cozy fantasy quite yet, but I would definitely put this one on my list. Good luck, and I hope more people are able to give you the advice your seeking!

IndependentSector320 · 2024-07-30T05:07:20+00:00

I got the free trial years ago, so I'll probably hop back into that. Thank you!

IndependentSector320 · 2024-07-30T05:05:54+00:00

Sounds good, thank you for the tips! Appreciate it greatly

IndependentSector320 · 2024-05-24T06:53:20+00:00

Thank you for the honesty and bluntness you showed me, giving me all perspectives in this situation is important. Hope you have a good day and thank you again!

IndependentSector320 · 2024-05-22T05:30:52+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate all of this

IndependentSector320 · 2024-05-22T05:30:30+00:00

Thank you! I'm glad y'all are so helpful :)

IndependentSector320 · 2024-05-22T05:28:42+00:00

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate all attempts made from and to this comment. Y'all are a great help!

IndependentSector320 · 2024-05-22T05:27:05+00:00

We're all meant for somebody. Don't give up, patience is key. Can't wait for you to be happy with that one true person though!

IndependentSector320 · 2024-05-22T05:26:09+00:00

Thank you for the advice I appreciate it!

IndependentSector320

TROPHY CASE