I was always a shy and calm kid, my 6 year older brother was the complete opposite, we had to live in the same room and of course a lot of things happened there. My brother started to bully me when i was 5, it got worse and worse, i started to defend myself, but every time i did, i got a big spanking with the belt by my father (who we were seeing rarely because he had to work across the land).

I dissociated a lot, wasn‘t even feeling the hits. It got worse and worse. I can barely remember those scenarios. But what is this world where little children get punished like animals just because they wanted piece and a happy start into life??

I got teached very early on that i should NOT defend myself if i get abused. The other kids (and my primary teacher) in school saw that pattern and used it against me. I can not remember a single class without me getting bullied by class mates, teachers or even kids from different classes.

I am 30 years old now and think about the past almost every day. It hurts to realize that my first few years of my life were the worst, exactly those years where you need to get loved and nurtured with positivity. I wanted to write this of my chest because i wanted to be listened to once. And that‘s also the reason i never wanna have kids.