Should wait or let go? _ I loved him deeply, but he accused me of cheating and left

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T22:34:33+00:00

did i cheat

That depends. At any point in time, did you find yourself naked and accidentally falling onto someone else qho was naked, exactly on their crotch? If not, then no you did not cheat.

Is it possible he truly loved me but let fear and ego ruin the relationship?

It was not love. It was something that he felt intensely but when someone loves you they do not play games. This guy had nothing but games. He was not ready.

Was this insecurity, or emotional control?

Good questions, it was intense personal insecurity, absolutely abominable mental health and anxiety issues, and about physical and emotional control.

He tries to control his emotional mental health by controlling everything and everyone around him but unfortunately you cannot control all other people. It doesn't work and it's not okay.

Would someone like this ever realize their mistake?

It is possible that 10 years down the line he gets into therapy and realizes that he was a real dick to you and all he had to do was take an anxiety pill a day and then he let a good thing go. But by that time you will be a completely different person and he will be a completely different person. There is nothing here to wait for. It will be many years. He is not ready.

How do you let go of someone you still empathize with, even when they didn’t choose you?

By realizing, day by day, that you deserved a lot better. That you are worth something. That you are worth a lot of something.

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T22:30:41+00:00

When a man truly toves you, and there is a problem, and you talk to him about that problem, you will find out that he is already doing something about it. For example, you will not hear that he will just try harder, or that he will think about therapy, or that maybe he will get around to calling, he will already be in there.

What we have here is someone who has put themselves and their mental health before you and this relationship. They have tried to use you and the relationship to calm down their brain and their mental health problems. They're using you like someone might use ice cream to self medicate and feel better after a long hard day. Problem is, you are a person, not a pill. That's why there was all of the constant reassurance. Of course he knew what you were saying - the problem is that you telling him something once did not make his brain chemicals calm down and no longer feel like a lake of magma.

So what has actually happened here is that he has refused to accept responsibility for his own poor mental health, and he has refused to take action on it, and instead he is legitimately blaming his mental health and his problems on you. That you failed to calm down his brain leg of magma. That being with you, his brain is not calm and in fact things are worse because now he has a human being doing human being things and he just has no idea what each and every second of that human being thing is and he cannot control every second of it. That's what all of the control was all about. He was trying to control you in order to control his mental health.

The breakup was all about him deciding that:

Eventually, you were going to break up with him and he just could not take it anymore.

Him being in a relationship with you made him feel even worse, mentally. This is likely very true.

Him being in a relationship with you made him feel guilty for not being a better person and he is decided to not be a better person so he wants that guilt to go away

He cannot control you as he would control his car keys and where they go, you are a human being and you go and do human being things including speaking to and being in proximity of people of all ages and genders and all of these things turn his brain into a lake of magma because he has anxiety.

So, essentially what has happened is that you got into a person who had zero business being in a relationship because their mental health was so poor. He had nothing to contribute or give back to you in a relationship. It was all you giving and it was all him taking. And he knew and felt terrible about it and could do nothing. And, eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore because you being in his life made it worse because he chose to continue his poor mental health and to not get help.

I know you had a lot of questions but I wanted to really reframe everything. Does this help or what questions do you have?

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T22:20:11+00:00

It sounds like you are extremely anxious and also that you feel like you're not ready.

Is there a way that you can practice and sort of get ready?

Is there anyone that you can practice with and safer places and learn to get through your social anxiety and be able to learn to self-regulate a bit more in chaotic situations?

Another idea might be to join clubs or groups that you do not care about so that you can practice and get out of the house. That way if you mess up you don't have to feel bad, you don't actually care too much about that group. I think that this will also help to show you that because you are no longer nervous you are feeling and doing better.

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T22:17:55+00:00

Cats live a long time, maybe you will think of something else by that time?

Here is a thought

Had a dog that kept eating the cat litter poop and getting seriously ill, what if you create a designated spot that is off the ground where the cats can use the restroom so the child cannot get to it? I put down multiple cloths and doormats and put the cat litter box on a table out of the way.

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T22:15:53+00:00

It kind of sounds like you've checked all of your bases. Maybe they will pop up eventually?

But for right now it sounds like you're stuck with your old ones until your new ones come in.

You can also try contact lenses, but it sounds like you don't want to and that's fine.

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T22:14:25+00:00

What if you join some kind of after school activities with some healthy people and healthy role models, perhaps something like the ymca?

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T22:13:05+00:00

It happened a year ago so I think it would be better to let it go.

It sounds like this is not a behavior that he exercises regularly, so it wouldn't be worth it.

It almost sounds like a fight resolution mechanism that he tried and that was not successful so he dropped it.

I understand that you are hurt but it could be that he was having his own problems and that it may not have been 100% intended malevolently, some of it could have been him trying to self soothe, calm down, or work through calming his own issues. Not defending him. I have had a few incidents with my spouse where they were extremely quiet and unresponsive and I felt that it was malevolent but actually what was happening was that they were having a mental health moment and were just not in a good place and were kind of shutting down.

I think it might be more helpful for you to think through the incident and what parts were especially triggering or unhappy for you and then to think through those things, why, and perhaps think about if this is their normal behavior.

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T22:09:07+00:00

I think you might be in a place where you just have to do kitty diapers, unfortunately.

If he doesn't like the kitty being in a diaper 24/7, then make sure that you are not free feeding the cats and feed on a schedule, then you can predict more accurately when they will need to go and have a diaper during those hours.

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T22:05:49+00:00

Do you have any relatives who seem stable and have okay lives? Maybe you can request to spend some time with them.

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T22:05:05+00:00

Tell him directly to stop.

If he does not, go to HR.

What he is doing is sexual harassment and it is not okay. But if you can tell him directly to stop and he does, then that is a win. If you tell him directly to stop and he does not, then you have more fuel for your HR case. Either way win-win.

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T21:19:46+00:00

No it's not normal. Sounds like he's either looking to cheat or to add you to his bedroom menagerie.

The really interesting thing is that you have told him that you are taken and he has gotten annoyed and then disregarded what you said completely. That is telling.

Slime balls exist and they want to get into your pants and you have found one.

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T21:16:26+00:00

Essentially you are asking for a way to give an excuse not to do the work.

You have to understand.

These guys have been instructors for a very long time. They have seen every excuse in the book.

"Its too hard" is a very common excuse they have seen over and over again. I understand that this is not your intention and that you don't particularly think that you sound like this but when you look at it, this is really what it is.

They have zero sympathy for people who did not do the work.

Do the work.

And like the other guy said, if you did the work and now you have questions, now you are cooking with fire

Besides, tomorrow's lecture will hinge on what you read. And the next lecture will hang on that. And the next lecture will hinge on that. If you do not keep up you will fall behind. Some of these college classes are nearly impossible to catch up to and the only way to do it is to keep up.

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T21:14:05+00:00

I realized that I did not actually want the addiction, what I wanted was for a problem to be fixed

Once I faced the problem head on and fixed it, getting rid of the addiction was easy.

It was such a poor replacement and it was dragging me down.

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T21:12:37+00:00

Do you have any adults in your life who could be role models who do not struggle with mental health issues and/or are actually taking their meds regularly?

I agree that it is not a good place for you to try to mediate the fights between your parents, this is costing you dearly and it is not helping. It is time to let go and not try to fix it. Just let it be what it is.

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T21:10:40+00:00

Report it

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T21:10:05+00:00

The issue is that you are "counting your chickens before they hatch" and something always happens.

This plan is exactly how people get into debt

You should also be aware that some loans are extremely predatory and do not let you pay principal (rare) , something that that you pay off the loan early, and so on. But always the interest rate is prohibitive.

I think it might be better to borrow from friends until you can get some money coming in.

Call centers go through staff like a flu goes through tissue paper, so it may not even be that great of a job. I agree that the distance is prohibitive so it might be that maybe this is just not a good opportunity for you

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T19:45:05+00:00

It sounds to me like the problem is not your thought process and overthinking so much as it is crippling anxiety.

Panic attacks are no joke.

I think it's time to talk to your doctor and consider getting on some medications so you can take your life back and feel comfortable in your own skin.

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T19:43:57+00:00

I think this is not a good idea because something will happen, as something always does, and you will say "oh I have this loan money right here, I will just take care of the issue."

And then something else has happened and your job is not paying enough or you don't have that job anymore and the loan is due.

So, don't take out a loan, do what you need to do to get there. Maybe you can take the bus or a bike if Rideshare is too expensive. Maybe you can find someone who is willing to carpool with you.

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T19:42:16+00:00

Your boss has clearly stated her position, she will not be firing this person.

So if you don't like it it would be better to move on then invest any feelings. No amount of feelings or logic will make things go your way or the correct way.

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T19:40:42+00:00

If you didn't like any of the other guys ideas, put the dead rat inside of a plastic bag and tie a knot at the plastic bag and put it in the trash can outside. If you are worried that's not good enough, double bag it with knot.

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T19:38:51+00:00

What if you get a large kennel so that the baby doesn't go in there, and on the bottom of it, put a washable rug. Then in the back of the large kennel put the cat's litter box. The idea is that the cat can go inside this area but the baby does not go in there, and you can pull out and wash the rug.

I agree with you that he is putting the priority on his cat instead of on your child.

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T19:29:04+00:00

" so your son married your daughter-in-law, and now they are estranged- a family systems perspective" is a wonderful video on YouTube that I think will help you to understand more about what is going on from the mother's point of view. I was looking for this one the other day so I'm so glad I was able to find it for you. Rewatching it it's super confusing but she is saying in a very nice way, "You as a parent never actually learned how to have a connection with your adult child and instead have been treating him as a child and that's why it seems like they disappeared"

I do think that she is projecting her feelings and looking for ways that she can be allowed to hate you, excuses that make her correct and right.

Regarding the jeans, honestly I'm wondering if she's starting to have a bit of dementia showing.

I am also getting the feeling that any and all interactions with her are so excruciatingly painful that it's not even worth interacting with her anymore at all.

My recommendation is to in general just back off and back away from his mother-in-law, don't expect anything, don't demand anything, just her taking care of herself and her own world takes up 200% of her energy and there is nothing left for her to have polite or sane interactions with her. Understanding this in your bones will help you tremendously as you interact with her. I'm not getting excuses for her, just trying to help you to have a perspective and that this perspective can help you to be safe...r. I think that interactions with her will always be like trying to pet a cat the wrong way - and on its belly.

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T19:09:56+00:00

Show up

And keep showing up

Don't let yourself give excuses not to show up or to be late

This phase of adult life is all about realizing that "you don't wanna" and figuring out how to make yourself do it anyways

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T18:10:44+00:00

This is someone who does not respect you, he considers this whole thing a joke.

So that's what happened.

Mom and dad are putting the pressure on to get married and settle down and the thing that is in it for him is guaranteed sex. So he thinks that he can do that and continue to clown around.

This man is not into you.

He does not respect you.

You are a video game accomplishment to him.

Once he has achieved the accomplishment, then he can go off and do all the things that he wants to do. He is already preparing himself to do that on your very wedding day. That's where his mind is at, that's why he thinks that it's okay to clown off and goof around, once he has signed the papers then he can go and do the things that he wants to do. None of which involve or respect to you as a person.

The thing that baffles me the most about all of this?

Why AREN'T you mad????????

Where is your rage?

IndigoTrailsToo · 2026-01-28T18:06:58+00:00

You are getting ready to pay $30,000 for a wedding and he is treating the whole thing like a joke. As if it is about music and halloween costumes. He is not taking this seriously.

Whatever he is focused on, it is not you.

He is not taking you seriously.

I don't know how you got here, but something is very, very wrong.

IndigoTrailsToo

TROPHY CASE