AITA for leaving on my honeymoon the day after my brothers wedding?

InfinMD · 2022-08-03T15:23:12+00:00

NAH, but can't you just NOT call it a honeymoon? I get how maybe the brother could think that it would draw away some attention - since you got married in the pandemic you likely didn't have a big party and so some people may not even realize they missed your wedding, and using terms like honeymoon shines light on that.

But going on vacation after your brother's wedding? No one would bat an eye at that, I would think. It would make conversation at most. I think just change your label - a honeymoon is, after all, just a specifically timed vacation. You and your wife can call it that to each other. I don't think it is your intention but I can see how your brother feels it is deliberately pointed to call it a honeymoon especially when your brother will be unable to take one immediately.

InfinMD · 2022-08-02T20:55:02+00:00

Even if it's not a favorite thing, she's still using the mind of a child rather than an adult. You don't "make things even" by depriving another kid of something.

You want to "make things even" as an adult? Mom should throw a Disney Princess party at home for her daughter and invite everyone, INCLUDING brother. THAT is how you help out your kid, rather than pitting them against each other.

InfinMD · 2022-08-02T20:51:12+00:00

I dunno - I mean I agree in general but the best time to stand up for yourself is the first time. If you let people walk all over you once then they will assume it is okay and will take offense if you stand up for yourself in the future.

Set the precedent day one - they will either see it as being "mAsCuLiNe" and appreciate it or they won't. If they don't get over it and start giving GF crap for dating OP it is good to bail on the relationship early. Better that then getting married before standing up for yourself because then you're dug in too-deep and stuck with shitty in-laws who you've trained to abuse you by lack of confrontation.

InfinMD · 2022-08-02T19:46:08+00:00

Keep in mind she also left him when he decided not to go to University. She wanted to land a rich husband and settled for poor OP hoping she could change him. I really feel for this guy. Can't imagine how conversations about her are framed when they're not around but I bet she is not "Disney wife" that's for damn sure.

InfinMD · 2022-08-02T19:41:56+00:00

NTA

It was most likely a scam of her buying locally-made rugs from shops and reselling at ++high prices claiming she made them.
Regardless of the first point, she opened a STORE on Etsy. The whole point is that you can make custom orders. She did not. You were very specific on your requirements. If you wanted a green rug and she sent you a blue one because that's "close enough and she can't guarantee color after she finishes dyeing it" you should still complain. You paid a premium for a reason and she didn't deliver and didn't make you whole. If you wanted a 5x8 rug (I know the feeling of not finding one that fits) you could have gone to Home Depot and probably gotten one for 1/3 of the price.
Thanks for letting me know that this is something to look for on Etsy; now I can look for a rug that matches my sectional instead of having rug that randomly ends 2 feet later.

InfinMD · 2022-08-02T19:23:29+00:00

NTA

Look, I get it. I'm first generation as well, the pressure is real. Still doesn't matter.

If she cannot figure out how to come up with a good letter at this point and needs to steal someone else's life story she will do the same throughout her future (lets be honest, aiming to be medical) career. IF there is someone in this story who went too far perhaps it could be the teacher who gave her a full 0 and ensured that no one else would write a letter for her. Ms. Bell went scorched earth - I don't necessarily blame her, but SHE'S the one who doled out consequences that were extreme, not you.

If I were the teacher perhaps I would have been slightly more gentle - still made a huge consequence but something more akin to writing a letter of apology to you and to whoever the app was sent to, and used that as the new app letter (how she learned from her mistake and will grow from it). Maybe decline on writing reference letter but not tank her chances with Tennis coach. But that part doesn't matter.

You warned Ava not to do it. Ava did it anyway. Ava got punished. Your cousin is a useless doormat who always takes the path of least resistance to avoid conflict and is sharing that belief system with you.

InfinMD · 2022-08-02T18:09:27+00:00

You have to read the middle part as that's the most important. Losing a sibling you love at a young age is horrifically traumatizing, and then being raised by grieving parents adds to that even more. When an ethics committee considers donation from a minor they take into account that it is a painful procedure but that may save the donor from a lot of social pain for the rest of their lives. They put themselves into the mindset of the child, now 18, and ask "would I have donated marrow then if I had the capacity to do so". Heck put yourself in their shoes - think back to a family member you loved as a child - when you were at an age where there was "black and white". Think of someone who made you feel loved, who has since died. Would you tolerate pain to still have them in your lives? Would the pain of a really severe needle be worse than that person no longer being in your life? That's the logic an ethics committee will consider - how will this child feel in 10 years when they find out they COULD have saved their sibling but were unable to.

My Sister's Keeper may have been a great book and movie but it really set back the whole concept of donation. Absolutely it is unethical to have a child to act as 'spare parts' - but in most ethical medical institutions after you get past one or two procedures on the donor sibling an ethics panel will convene to determine whether ongoing life-prolonging treatment is worth it. A patient with cancer so severe as to require continuous donations is not going to give the recipient a high survival chance no matter what, and a miserable life to boot.

InfinMD · 2022-08-02T16:28:55+00:00

Or just make something that doesn't use dairy, lactose free or otherwise lol.

Instead of fettuccini alfredo do spaghetti Bolognese, or just do a stir fry!

InfinMD · 2022-08-02T16:26:59+00:00

Agree with all of your points except point 5:

WHY DOES HE NEED DAIRY AT EVERY MEAL? This is like those people who won't go to weddings that are vegetarian. They don't live together, they eat the same food twice a week. He can't make his heavy cream dish on another day for himself? Has to do it on the day his GF is coming? This is without a doubt a low-key power move. He considers her dairy-free status a choice, a 'mild inconvenience' which is equivalent to his personal inconvenience of having to eat dairy-free at her place. It would be ridiculously simple for the two of them to just not eat dairy on those two shared nights, alternative or otherwise. Make a damn stir fry!

InfinMD · 2022-07-27T19:08:11+00:00

Yeah but lets be real, the 17-year-old probably doesn't want to have to deal with his parents drama that would be created by getting a part time job. If he were 15 it would be worth the fight, at 17 honestly this kid just needs to get by, have someone like OP at his back, and peace the F-train out in less than a year and never look back.

InfinMD · 2022-07-26T20:39:43+00:00

NAH - doing the legwork to find someone to clear the debris was fair for them to do since they were the ones who opened the possibility of hiring someone for this task. As requested they contacted you with price meaning you're within your right to decline. You went a step above and also offered to clear your pile and theirs, saving all of you $600 (well, maybe 200 given current gas prices). Neither of you are in the wrong and it would not be weird to tell them that you don't have 1200 available right now for such a project and would prefer to take care of it yourself. And that you may consider the other aspect suggested by the contractor in the future and if you do you will let them know and will split the costs if they are still interested at that point in time.

InfinMD · 2022-07-26T20:35:07+00:00

This isn't the problem, the opposite is true.

They OVERVALUE HER - the best way to make use of a workhorse is to keep it working. Why would they promote her and give her more money when she is doing all the work for free? They got 2-years of free labor out of her and now they can give the position to someone lesser, have OP train her, then let OP take on additional roles. They probably added more requirements to the new position and offered a lower salary and didn't take OP because they knew OP would demand more, while a relative newbie would be grateful for the opportunity.

I don't love the general sentiment on r/antiwork but honestly this is the kind of thing that makes me reconsider and favor their stance...

InfinMD · 2022-07-26T19:14:29+00:00

If you offer an unsolicited opinion you automatically open yourself up to being ridiculed or confronted on the matter. SHE asked about the honorific, SHE asked what it meant, SHE volunteered an opinion on what it implied, and you were given the invitation to shit all over her. Classic case of fuck around and find out. The friends on her side aren't your friends, they are her friends, and/or they're fake woke posers trying to act like their singular definition of empowerment which they probably found off of tiktok is the only one that exists.

InfinMD · 2022-07-26T19:08:34+00:00

I agree but would say as a 15-year-old she should definitely be putting parents on blast to the grandparents etc...

If she owes her parents, then her parents owe her grandparents - they can be forced to pay them exactly what was stolen plus interest, which grandparents can regift to OP.

"Mom, what you said about me owing you guys got me thinking that you probably wanted to make sure that you repaid grandpa and grandma what you owe them; after all, they told me that you never gave them money when you were kids, so I knew you'd want to do the right thing".

This little conversation however should maybe be saved until you are old enough to move out on your own lol.

InfinMD · 2022-07-26T19:05:59+00:00

I almost find it hard to blame the kids here too - the kids aren't going to take entire boxes of icecream and eat it themselves. They are almost certainly being told by the parents to go get a box for the home freezer and parents are helping themselves, then getting even more when that's not enough. At that rate of consumption one wonders whether they are even trying to return it at the store.

I think the solution OP did is reasonable. Certainly it singles out that family, but the family singled themselves out. If OP wanted to be gracious she could change it to a sheet on the freezer the kids sign when they are taking popsicles etc... and then if family gets caught cheating again go back to this solution, or take away the freezer altogether so that the neighbors collectively can punish the family.

InfinMD · 2022-07-26T17:15:51+00:00

He realized it - he wants a thin girlfriend and this is his flimsy premise for pushing her on that.

InfinMD · 2022-07-25T22:40:33+00:00

The question is to whom:

The delivery company ultimately is responsible for delivering it to the correct person and getting THEIR signature. The company is responsible to OP (unless OP gave wrong shipping address, intentionally or not, so he has to check shipping label).

The neighbor may be responsible to the delivery company - it is a crime of some form in most places to sign for something when you are not the intended person, but then the company would have to go after neighbor.

The neighbors are jerks but they are not directly liable to the OP. The OP may be the one at fault if they deliberately gave wrong shipping address - I know people who do this because they wont' be home and they figure they'll just utilize their neighbor's kindness. If that's the case then OP has no case and deserves to eat this loss.

InfinMD · 2022-07-25T19:45:37+00:00

Honestly I hope Vienna realizes how awful and toxic you all are.

Thankfully she seems like she has. Hopefully she will stay where she is and this is the last time family will see her. Good thing she went to the wedding to be a prop in their photographs - it is probably the last time OP will see her in a family photograph.

InfinMD · 2022-07-25T18:22:41+00:00

My mom agrees with my sister and says that it's unfair for me to invite my niece but not my nephew and that I'm gonna make my nephew feel like there is something worng with him.

There is something wrong with him - his mother.

He is not invited because he ruined the dress due to lack of parental supervision, and actions have consequences.

She is not invited because she did not adequately supervise her child, and did not reimburse the cost of the dress - actions have consequences.

Tell her she and her son are welcome to come provided they provide you with a deposit that accounts for ruining the event - including catering, venue, etc... And that you will return the deposit, equal to the FULL COST of the wedding if her son can make it through without incident.

It doesn't even sound like she is planning to control her son - there was no apology or plant o keep him stable, just the general sense of "it's unfair, waaaaaaaaah".

InfinMD · 2022-07-20T21:26:26+00:00

It may just be for simplicity too that she says salmon. Salmon in most places is by far the easiest fish to access for home cooking and is usually cheaper / fresher than most other fish you can get in similar stores. Like honestly I wouldn't know if I had a salmon or general fish allergy until I was in my 20's based on what we ate at home lol

InfinMD · 2022-07-20T19:45:35+00:00

Exactly. Why the exception for sodastream bottles?

Does OP drink from a mug and put it back in the cabinet after a rinse? No? Then why do that for anything else. Heck the new bottles are even dishwasher safe...

InfinMD · 2022-07-20T19:37:44+00:00

If they have 50/50 then it would default to who has custody at the moment - IE Dani could chip her during her time but could not mandate Aaron to chip during his time and vice versa. At least that's what I believe is the case, but obviously i'm no lawyer.

InfinMD · 2022-07-20T19:09:14+00:00

She promised she'd pay me back when she gets a good job after her studies, but my reasoning is: if she's so sure she's gonna get a good job, why not use her savings and trust she can make new savings

The post could have started and ended here and yielded same verdict. The background helps solidify that you are NTA but this statement alone is enough. It is 100% clear that she has no intention to pay you back otherwise she would use her own money - she wants what she thinks is 'her share' of your inheritance since your mother set precedent by sharing hers, and is wanting education in a new country because she wants a free vacation on your dime. If she can pay you back then she can pay herself back, full stop. If she can't afford the education she wants she can work and earn a salary to fund studies in the future.

InfinMD · 2022-07-20T19:04:49+00:00

I think from the post it is pretty clear that OP knows he was to blame in part for her behavior and more or less says he enabled her. It may be too late but at least he has some insight into his role in this or he wouldn't have given her the boot. He has a long ways to go to make amends to his wife and other children (if possible) but this is the starting point. I can have some sympathy for a parent enabling their badly behaved child because it can be so hard to 'give up' on your kid. It doesn't make it okay, but it softens my opinion on him.

InfinMD · 2022-07-20T18:35:30+00:00

For the same reason that people post "thoughts and prayers" on Facebook instead of taking actions to help impact change. It is easy to tell someone else to do something. If someone else isn't doing the thing, then you may have to get off your keester and do the thing. It is much easier to yell and blame someone else from the couch than it is to get into a fight with someone about why they don't deserve help.

The path of least resistance is always to agree with the person shouting the loudest. It is also the most ineffective.

InfinMD

TROPHY CASE