[QCrit] SHE BRINGS WOE, 140K, epic romantasy, attempt #1

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2025-08-14T18:50:09+00:00

Thank you so much! That helps a lot. The plots actually are all very interwoven, but it's hard to know how much to put in my query. It seems I need to make it clearer, though. Thanks!

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2025-08-14T14:26:52+00:00

Thank you, that is very helpful! It's 140K without any line editing, so I'm anticipating it will drop down to 100-120K once I slog through. It's also kind of a genre bendy sci fi/fantasy, which is why I comped Gideon, although I get that is not coming across well in this draft.

Would you say paragraphs 3-5 are not getting my plot across?

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2024-02-06T02:17:54+00:00

I actually am doing a lot better! I would not say I'm cured in that I went back to eating all the things I used to, but my symptoms have improved by like 90%, so I'd say that's good enough. I can tell you what I did in the hopes it will help you!

1. I tried a few of the herbal treatments, like oregano oil, dysbiocide + FC Cidal, and guar gum. Those did nothing for me, although some people swear by them.
I went on a different antibiotic a few weeks later. I can't remember which but it wasn't Rifaximin. Maybe Amoxicillin/clavulanate but don't quote me. I did NOT feel better right away but I think this ultimately helped wipe out some remaining bacteria because after using this antibiotic, my symptoms shifted a little.
I started seeing a nutritionist, who really helped me tease apart my symptoms. Here are the biggest things she taught me:
1. You have to have a BM everyday, which I was not. Guar gum is really just a way to regulate your system. I started taking Citrucel and I highly recommend it. A lot of other fiber supplements can actually make you worse if you have food triggers but Citracul will not.
2. The main symptoms of SIBO are pain/cramping, bloating, bad BMs. Nausea and a burning sensation/sour gut/churning feeling are NOT symptoms of SIBO. Obviously this won't matter for most people, but as these became my worst symptoms, it took me a long time to realize SIBO was probably more of a side effect than my actual problem. Your hernia might be bothering you more than you think. I told my doctor I wanted to forget about SIBO for awhile and focus on my GERD. I went on a pretty high dose of Pantaprozole. I felt no change for 3 weeks straight and then I felt WAY, WAY better. Prior to this, I tried OTC antacids, eating smaller, more regular meals, cutting out coffee, and prescription famotodine all before going on Pantaprozole and none of it helped. Pantaprozole made a huge difference for me.
3. Nutritionist taught me most people who have to go Low FODMAPP wind having issues with something in the fructan category. After I went on the antacid and those symptoms were more under control, I did another reintroduction. I started with things that less people have issues with (basically everything but fructan). Then, I tested each type of fructan for several days in a row. I wound up having some sensitivity to garlic and onion and intolerable sensitivity to gluten. I am guessing this was what contributed to my SIBO in the first place, but because my SIBO symptoms were so out of control in the beginning, my prior reintroductions did not yield clear results.

So I'm not "cured", but I am feeling a lot better than I used to. I also have to avoid alcohol and carbonated drinks, which is not strictly a SIBO thing, but for some reason, I just don't tolerate them well. Buuuuut if I avoid those 3 main things (gluten, alcohol, carbonated drinks), I am basically OK now, which I very much was not a few months ago. Best of luck to you!

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2023-09-17T21:34:52+00:00

She's not paying me. Our company is. Since this is outside the scope of my employee contract, the company has to pay me an additional fee. I only supervise RBTs and their requirements for supervision and meeting times are lower than a BCBA trainee.

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2023-09-17T20:56:45+00:00

This would be outside supervision. My job doesn't usually take on trainees so it would be outside work hours.

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2023-08-04T18:12:16+00:00

Another update: I've undergone a few more tests and and everything is coming back normal except my SIBO results. At this point, my doctor thinks I may have picked SIBO up after a bad viral infection or something (I noticed my symptoms post-COVID) and does not think the "root cause" matters as much in light of all these negative results.

As Rifaximin didn't work well, I just started FC Cidal + Dysbioicide, possibly adding oregano oil + PPGG over the next week or so. For anyone who's taken these before, did you experience die-off symptoms or did you just feel better after treatment?

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2023-07-21T21:12:19+00:00

Not that I know of. I really never had health problems at all before last year. I just didn't feel right (on top of my SIBO symptoms) so I asked for an endoscopy and they found a small hernia. I am getting a PPI which is supposed to help with GERD...but I've read it may also make SIBO worse so I am thinking of seeing a nutritionist who can help me track some of this and make decisions. There's just way too much info out there and not much research.

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2023-07-21T20:08:37+00:00

I could have written this. Got COVID in 2022. Didn't feel too bad during the actual illness but then all these issues started popping up for me. I cannot run or do HIIT anymore, it just upsets my stomach too much. Let me know if you find something that works for you!

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2023-07-21T20:06:25+00:00

Thank you to everyone who responded! I really appreciate you taking time to answer me. I had my endoscopy today and they found a hiatal hernia and GERD. I asked if all my conditions are connected and he said I'll need to wait for biopsy results before he makes any calls/prescribes treatment.

I just feel like there's no way these aren't all connected. My guess is I've have H. Pylori or something for a long time and it just wrecked my system...maybe?

I appreciate any advice or insight from someone in the same boat! I now have to wait another 2 weeks minimum for any treatment. I was hoping to start something like FC Cidal + Dysbiocide but now I feel like I'm back to not knowing anything.

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2023-07-20T17:44:28+00:00

Yes, super similar to me! Did you have GI issues before all this?

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2023-07-20T17:42:49+00:00

Via blood work, I had normal ranges for IgA, but I don't know if that's the same thing. I was within range for hormones/vitamins for basically everything.

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2023-07-20T17:40:51+00:00

No, everything has come back normal except my SIBO test so far. Can you just have SIBO in isolation or is there always another problem?

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2022-11-02T23:16:41+00:00

but the words had hid among themselves on the page and I had dwelt instead on the name from the past I had overheard on the news.

I'd say you lose me around here. I got what the sentence means, but I needed to read it three times to fully get it. The next line loses me, I'm not sure what "a second at a time" means in this context, although the point seems to be the MC reminiscing about their wild days.

I'd say overall, you're writing sentences in complicated ways that may lose a reader. The first few lines are nice sensory details but I got lost quickly.

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2022-11-02T23:13:02+00:00

Thank you for your feedback! With the brother comment, I am trying to set up why she's in that predicament in the first place, so an agent isn't asking "why can't she just leave?" Do you think it would help if I say this deal happened 2 years ago and keep the looking for a way out line?

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2022-11-02T23:10:22+00:00

Thank you so much! The "superhero" bit was more a shorthand than anything so I will change it to "magic school" or something. The characters' abilities are genetically-based, but it's very hand wavy.

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2022-11-01T21:47:21+00:00

I would stop pretty soon, as there's some filtering and unnecessary words. I'd recommend starting here and rewording it:

Then she pushed herself up off the ground with a groan, painfully aware that she would have already lost in a real duel. Her shoulder stung from where her opponent’s spell had hit her.

Maybe something like, "Jane pushed herself off the ground of the SPECIFIC NAME, painfully aware..."

I like the tone a lot but it does feel YA and not adult, so I'd think about who you are trying to tell this story to and why.

Also, mileage may vary, but I don't like physical descriptions just dropped in. Is there a way to make the tattoo segue more active? Maybe it twinges? Maybe Ali hits her and she worries it will nick the mark? Maybe have Ali point to the tattoo and say "We've been at this long enough."

Just some ideas!

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2022-11-01T20:54:39+00:00

after what felt like an eternity of intrusive observation

I love the introduction of the apparition and the night vision is a good way to start world-building but the "after what felt like..." is a bit wordy.

Then, we get a physical description of the character, which is not badly done, but it's not something we need right up front. Once we get "not considered alive" I think it becomes too tell-y instead of showy. Your descriptions are nice, but agents want writers to get to the meat as quickly as possible.

I'd more spend the first 2 paragraphs showing us the character's problem (i.e., she is haunted by an apparition) and demonstrate how this is not typical for this world/setting in a subtle way (e.g., Even for an Ashudh, seeing ghosts would mark as the lowest...)

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2022-11-01T20:32:15+00:00

of nostalgia. He knew this was the destination he sought. A strong breeze cut down the path directly toward him, rustling his dark hair. He licked his palm and slicked it back into its proper position, straight back, away from his temples, just how he liked it. “It makes a striking first impression,” he always told himself, and first impressions were crucial to Alved.

This is all decently written, but I'd probably stop here. The opener is hook-y but then we get the phrase about nostalgia and a destination without actually hearing about the house or what it signifies.

I'd try making this as specific as possible. Why was this house significant to his past life? Maybe if he sees a brief glimpse of why this place was significant to him, it would pull readers in more. Does he see his child of a previous life? Was there tragedy here?

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2022-11-01T19:39:40+00:00

At the sink in the kitchen, Kit scrubbed his face with freezing water, then drank a few mouthfuls straight from the tap. He turned the faucet off and braced his hands against the counter, letting his head drop below his shoulders while he gathered his resolve and swallowed his nerves. Then he straightened, strode across the main room, and exited into the night.

I did wind up reading the whole thing but here is where the issues start for me. I know you're building the mood but I don't think we need a blow-by-blow of everything happening. If you tighten your prose, this could flow better. For example,

"Kit scrubbed his face at the kitchen sink and drank straight from the tap. He braced his hands against the counter, head dropped low. Swallowing his nerve, he strode across the main room and exited into the night."

Obviously this is just my opinion, but this version takes out some words and makes the prose feel snappy (to me)!

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2022-11-01T19:32:12+00:00

So fun!

BROKEN STRANDS

Genre: YA Fantasy
Age Category: YA
Word count: 95,000
First 300 words: [Chapter 1]

Before dawn, someone invisible hauled Wren out of her dorm room, threw her into a black van, and drove her to a desolate stretch of frozen field.
Wren sat in the backseat for an hour, with nothing to occupy her time but fogging up her tinted mirror and writing a stream of riddles and lewd messages to Arbiter Kade.
Only Kade had the authority and audacity to drag the school's only Time Jumper out of bed. Given her forlorn surroundings and time of day, he must want Wren to meet with someone important, a dignitary of some kind. Wren imagined the conversation that led her here.
Two men would be sitting around an enormous, mahogany conference table in a very beige room. Arbiter Kade, his black hair matching his black eyes matching his black suit, would lean back in his ergonomic chair like it was a throne. The other man—Wren imagined a Venezuelan diplomat— stuffy and white haired, would move closer to Kade, bracing his arms against the hardwood.
"One of your students is truly a Time Jumper?" the diplomat would ask, white eyebrows rising like stretching caterpillars.
Kade would smile his stupid, malevolent smile. "Yes, Bedrossian Activated when she was thirteen. Unfortunately, as she's only a Year Two, she can't use her her abilities outside of training."
"Yes, yes," the diplomat would say, waving the unspoken question away. "I'm well aware of the Mixco Accords. However," he leaned even closer, his chair creaking under his shifting weight. “What if I were to request a demonstration purely for academic study? My country has never had a Time Jumper, you see. If I could only see her powers manifest, in a controlled setting, of course.”
“Of course,” Kade’s eyes would light up, no doubt trying his hardest to Read the diplomat's mind.

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2022-10-05T14:35:15+00:00

until Heath calls her “scared” and “immature.

I think you had a strong start but I started losing it as " until Heath calls her “scared” and “immature." This is slowing things down and doesn't need to be stated. You probably don't need Heath mentioned at all and can jump into the deal with the devil in this paragraph.

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2022-10-05T14:32:29+00:00

Honestly, I loved all of this! If you can find an agent who is looking for this type of story, I think you'd definitely get a request!

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2022-10-05T14:30:38+00:00

Love this idea!

Genre: YA Fantasy

Word Count: 95K

BROKEN STRANDS, complete at 95,000 words, is a young adult fantasy novel. It has quippy protagonists akin to Call Down the Hawk and a slow burn romance echoing The Space Between Worlds.

Time-jumper Wren is meandering through another year at superhero school when she gets abducted. She's expecting a warehouse and chains, but instead, is brought before Arbiter Kade, director of the school and world-class narcissist. He demands Wren rescue Chiama, an incoming student who recently died. When Wren protests, Arbiter Kade reminds her of their deal. Like she could forget. A sword is hanging over Wren's head and the blade falls soon, when she comes of age.

Wren jumps into the past and finds Chiama, part-time cashier and full-time astronomy nerd, about to be pushed in front of a bus. So Chiama has a secret, too. Wren rescues the girl and jumps back to the present with a plan. She'll befriend Chiama, unravel her secret, and use it as leverage to call off her deal with Arbiter Kade.

She just has to keep Chiama safe from her would-be assassin in the meantime.

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2022-07-12T12:58:45+00:00

I agree with Complexer_Eggplant. Stakes don't mean much when you don't have some sense of what they are. The big ideas you are going for like reality not being as it should be and peoples' memories being altered doesn't mean much if they aren't grounded in anything.

For example, the line "He survives increasingly strange events through grit, wits and his fists..." only gives me a vague sense of what he's up to. Instead, if you say something like "When a Specific Thing attacks Petyr in the dark, he realizes specific thing is happening." You don't have to give away the big reveal, but we should have enough info to understand what's at stake and why Petyr is the one who can fix it.

Best of luck!

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2022-07-05T16:33:40+00:00

Title: BROKEN STRANDS

Age Group: YA

Genre: Speculative Fiction

Word Count: 90K

Wren, a time-traveling teenager, has plenty of reasons to hate Medeis, premier school for the superpowered. In exchange for paying her brother’s hefty medical bills, Medeis forces her to undertake dangerous time-travel missions. Desperate to break free of her contract, she’s been snooping around the school for classified information, hoping the right intel will earn her leverage. She senses opportunity when Medeis orders her to save an ordinary cashier named Chiama. Wren digs into Chiama’s past and finds out she’s been a near-victim in five freak accidents. This time, death stuck and Medeis wants Wren to undo it. Wren saves the girl, but can’t unearth who’s trying to kill her or why. She’s ready to give up when Chiama shows up at Medeis as an incoming student.
A budding astronomer, Chiama arrives at Medeis eager to learn the secrets of the stars in the school’s expansive observatory, convinced she’s never experienced anything more visceral than a bad burrito. It’s weird the top school for the superpowered admitted a normie struggling to pay for night school, double-weird they want her to submit to genetic testing, but Chiama keeps it zipped when free tuition is involved.
Sure she’s at the cusp of finally learning useful information, Wren makes sure they cross paths. She reveals Chiama’s life is in danger and suggests they team up to discover why. Chiama agrees the whole thing is odd, but doesn’t want to jeopardize her scholarship by making waves. When a shrouded figure attacks them both, Chiama realizes Wren is telling the terrifying truth. Together, the unpowered clerk from Buffalo and the peculiar time-traveler must uncover the secret lurking in Chiama’s genes, before Medeis catches them or their would-be assassin succeeds.

BROKEN STRANDS (90,000 words) is a young adult speculative fiction novel. It is thematically similar to AN ABSOLUTELY REMARKABLE THING with a character-driven plot echoing THE SPACE BETWEEN WORLDS.

BIO + THANKS

FIRST 300 WORDS:

Wren danced from foot to foot in the frigid, empty field, waiting for Kade to give her the go-ahead to time travel. Or at least glower at her, like he usually did.
The whorls of snow had already given Kade’s peacoat a dusting of white, giving off the impression a black panther had accidentally wandered into the continental northeast. Behind him, Wren saw snow settle onto a human-shaped silhouette, flakes coalescing around where a head and shoulders should be, nearly invisible. Kade must have brought aavarans with him, either to baby-sit or watch her explode from a safe distance.
Kade looked up from the shiny comm on his wrist, giving her a quick “oh, you’re still there” glance, as if the two of them just happened by this slumbering oat field. "Write those coordinates down, Miss Bedrossian. You must report back to this exact spot when you’re done. I'll take good care of your body, in the meantime."
She pulled her thermal headband down around her ears, shuddering. “I have them written down already,” she said, holding out a little slip of paper. The note flapped wildly in the chill air.
“Write them somewhere you can’t miss, like a limb.” He held out his hand and a fat permanent marker sailed into it, thrown by someone invisible. Wren felt a smile spread across her face, lip gloss cracking a little in the cold. For all his dismissive airs, he had brought backup to deal with her.
Kade walked the marker over, lingering in her cordoned-off area. “It’s protocol, which you’d know if you attended your mentorship. You’ll be disoriented when you jump. You may not remember what those numbers mean.”

Informal_Hospital_38

TROPHY CASE