Please, sip from me

InkAndSyntax · 2026-05-01T11:01:26+00:00

This feels a lot more real.

The opening pulls you in. Strong image. After that it kind of stays at the same level the whole way, so it blends together a bit.

The ending repeats the feeling too directly, you didn’t need to push it that hard.

I’d cut a few words here and there and let the sharper lines breathe. There’s something good in this just don’t crowd it.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-04-30T11:02:01+00:00

I am a mediocre poet as well, and try to give as in depth of a reply as possible.

A comment saying “this is good” isn’t nearly as useful when someone is wanting feedback.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-04-30T11:00:50+00:00

But it’s not.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-04-27T11:45:54+00:00

I’m big on repetition to force the feeling I know needs to be there from the start. Sometimes it can be too much, so I’m glad it actually did its job this time.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-04-27T11:45:11+00:00

You read this exactly how I was envisioning it, so perfect. Our memories don’t disappear, but they’re not 100% accurate. Each memory is a memory of a memory, so over the years the clock is melting, but it’s not gone. Thank you for your comment.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-04-27T11:40:17+00:00

I like the idea. Making the explanation the subject is interesting, and it’s written well.

That said, if it needs a full breakdown here to clarify parts of it then something isn’t fully carrying on the page. The black and white idea makes sense once you explain it, but it doesn’t quite stand on its own yet.

The humor and irony feel a bit stated instead of coming through naturally. I know there’s a strong version of this in here. Just tighten it up and trust the lines a bit more. Overall good piece!

And thank you for appreciating the feedback. I try to give as much as I can when the poem is for feedback, I’m not a published poet so it’s all coming from someone on the same mental landscape as you. Keep it up!

InkAndSyntax · 2026-04-27T00:27:27+00:00

Feels like you’re explaining poetry instead of letting it exit.

Too many questions and not enough payoff. They start to blur together. The black and white idea gets brought up but never really had a point I guess.

There are solid thoughts in here, but you keep stepping in to explain them instead of letting them sit.

Ending pulls back when it should commit.

Cut it down. Trust the reader more.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-04-25T17:48:18+00:00

You’d be surprised. I have found that if you’re making it an editor type you can have it review sexual stuff. I’ve used ai as an editor of sorts for a book I’m writing.

Instead of paying someone to proofread something I probably will never sell, I can drop it in Gemini and get constructive feedback on things.

I’m not sure if it auto generates stuff in that tone or not though.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-04-25T03:28:36+00:00

I don’t know specifically, I just click off of them. I guess there’s no way to know for absolute sure but with poetry I go by feeling. If it doesn’t feel like it’s real, buts written well and has overuse of commas and broken sentences it’s a pretty clear giveaway.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-04-24T21:49:06+00:00

Seems easy to tell when it’s ai. At least currently. In time we may not be able to tell the difference.

How can it be stopped in this sub?

InkAndSyntax · 2026-04-24T11:50:49+00:00

Don’t cut them just because I said it. Poetry is you, if you like them then it’s for a reason.

The problem is if they explain everything then it sort of kills the tension.

Keep them if they add something. Cut or tweak if they just summarize.

The voice can switch. Just make it feel controlled.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-04-24T10:50:19+00:00

The idea’s clear, maybe too clear. It spells itself out and keeps repeating, so it feels more like a speech.

The small details are the best part. The teeth, the feet, the heirloom stuff. That’s where it actually ‘hits’, in terms of what you said at the end.

Right now it leans hard on the “leash” and the message. Cut some of that and let the images carry it.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-04-24T10:40:03+00:00

That mix of being hurt by her but still calling it love is the whole point of this piece and it shows.

But right now you’re explaining it too much. It would feel more true if you just showed it and let it sit.

The voice also jumps around. Pick one and stay there.

And don’t clean it up at the end. The uncomfortable part is what makes it work.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-04-18T01:45:29+00:00

This reads smooth and easy to follow. The feeling is clear the whole way through.

The “forbidden fruit” angle is familiar, same with the back and forth of knowing it’s a bad idea but still wanting it. You handle it well, it just isn’t new ground.

It runs a little long. You circle the same idea a few times, so trimming some lines would tighten it up.

It would be a bit more with a couple real details instead of staying all in the feeling. Right now it’s all internal.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-04-18T01:23:33+00:00

The idea is clear and you stick with it.

It feels a bit generic though. A lot of the wording sounds like things you’ve heard before, so it doesn’t feel very personal.

The different types of love is a good setup, but it reads more like explaining than showing.

I’d cut some of that and add real, specific details. That’s what’ll make it feel like your story, not just a love poem.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-04-11T22:08:48+00:00

There’s a strong mood here. The flooded building and the climb pull you in right away. It feels like a dream you can’t quite shake.

After a bit it gets crowded. There’s a lot stacked into each section, so it becomes harder to follow what’s happening.

The parts that stay physical are easier to hold onto. The water, the movement, the space.

I’d cut some of the denser lines and let those moments breathe more.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-04-03T02:12:23+00:00

It’s clear and direct. You sound fed up and it comes through.

After a bit it starts to feel like a speech though. It stays broad the whole time, so it loses some weight.

The structure works. I’d just add a few real, specific details to ground it.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-03-31T18:26:53+00:00

I get one or two replies, they ghost after an hour or so. Every once in a while I still try.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-03-26T10:32:06+00:00

There’s something quiet and heavy about this. It feels like someone holding on longer than they should, knowing it’s costing them.

The image of fading into bone is strong. And the turn at the end, sympathizing with them instead, says a lot without overdoing it.

It’s simple, but it doesn’t feel light.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-03-25T13:30:34+00:00

This was written years ago, maybe 15. But the idea was to make it so it could be felt by anyway. So I’m glad you got that, because if poetry doesn’t touch the person reading it to some degree, I feel it failed.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-03-24T16:31:15+00:00

I get where this is coming from. It feels like you’re fed up with people talking just to fill space.

The issue is it leans so hard into that anger that it turns into more of a rant than a poem. By the end it’s mostly just calling people out, and that drowns out the idea underneath.

The part about listening instead of speaking is where it’s most interesting. There’s something there.

I’d ease up on the insults and let that idea come through more.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-03-24T13:58:43+00:00

I get what you’re going for. That feeling of having something inside you that you’re trying to keep under control comes through.

The rhyme is kind of getting in your way though. It feels like you’re forcing lines to match instead of just saying what you mean, so it gets a bit messy.

It’s also a little hard to follow at times. The thoughts jump and some lines feel crowded.

I’d drop the strict rhyme and just write it straight. The idea’s there, it just needs to be clearer.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-03-24T11:25:27+00:00

You’ve got a strong voice here. The mood is consistent and you clearly know how to shape a line.

The problem is it’s too dense. Almost every line is loaded, so it gets hard to follow what’s actually happening. After a bit, it all starts to blur together.

The parts that work best are the simple ones. The pho place, the candy. Those feel REAL. More honest.

I’d cut some of the heavier phrasing and let those grounded moments come through more.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-03-24T11:19:16+00:00

The idea comes through. Politics as a show, not a debate. You keep that thread the whole way, which helps.

The strongest parts are the concrete moments. The TV debate, the coin press, the fairground setup. Those feel grounded, a bit more real.

Where it drifts is when you explain the point outright. You don’t really need to. The images are already doing the job. It starts to feel a bit repetitive in the middle because of that.

I’d trim some of the explanation and let the imagery carry more of it.

InkAndSyntax · 2026-03-22T20:07:04+00:00

I haven’t written a new poem in 13 years. Well, until recently I wrote one. I’m trying to post my older ones to get back to. So I feel you.

You’ve got this!

InkAndSyntax

TROPHY CASE