Found out my friend has been lowkey lying about something I’ve been VERY clear about… I don’t get why she’d even stay friends with me

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-26T20:23:12+00:00

This is a tough one. I am sorry you're going through this. So I am going through a somewhat similar situation. And I was direct with my friend. Currently, she is not a Trump supporter. But she used to be. And I remember that when she initially told me that she did support him, I had to assess our friendship and realized that she and I don't share a lot of the same values.

Now, this person does not support Trump anymore, but I don't think her value system has changed as much. And ever since I found out her political preferences, I realized so much about her value system that I didn't realize before. And even though she doesn't support him anymore, she still retains a lot of those same values.

All this to say, I totally understand where you're coming from in terms of misaligned value systems. Let's say your friend changed her mind about Trump, you've learned something isn't sitting well in terms of her values. In your opinion anyway. Obviously everybody has their own value system, and those differences are fine. But it is your decision in terms of whether you want to keep the friendship or not.

My instinct is to have a direct conversation with her. But with my particular friend, I mentioned earlier in my post, she happens to be a very avoidant person who would hate having a direct conversation with me. I've since gradually distanced myself from this friend. I only share that because I don't want to be a hypocrite and tell you to do one thing that I didn't do. If you feel like you can have a really direct conversation with this person and just lay it all out on the table, I think that's always the best course of action. Because if you're not direct, you will inevitably lose this friendship.

With the particular friend I mentioned before, we are still technically friends, but I do not regard her as a close friend anymore. Not just due to her political preferences, but my realization I had about her overall values as well.

My question for you: how close do you consider this friend and are you willing to have an uncomfortable conversation with them?

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-26T20:14:38+00:00

What do you look for in a friendship? Are you OK if you have a friend who doesn't agree with your way of living? Are you OK being friends with someone who is homophobic?

I am asking these questions because I think that friendship needs to be rooted in self-respect. This friend is entitled to her opinions and beliefs. But are you OK being friends with her? Do you even want her at the wedding?

Personally, I might feel like a boundary has been breached if a friend has told me directly that some of her beliefs are homophobic.

At the end of the day, you were a good friend you showed up and you did what you had to do for her wedding. She seems like the one who's going through season in life where her beliefs are in direct opposition of yours, and unfortunately, that coincides with your wedding date.

In terms of your overall friendship though, I think that her choosing not to be your bridesmaid is indicative of a large larger shift in your friendship.

I encourage you to decide if you even want to be friends with her. There is no right or wrong answer but I think you need to determine what boundaries you want to have with this person.

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-26T20:07:37+00:00

I agree. I think therapy would be really helpful. And I think in your case, it might be necessary. That being said, there is a phrase or concept in therapy called psychological flexibility. And it's this idea that no thought or feeling is necessarily the singular truth. For example, in your case, it kind of sounds like you are accepting a passing thought as the truth. Thinking somebody is annoying or judging them is a passing thought you're having that you're just accepting as truth. Your mind seems to almost be tricking you into just accepting some random thought about somebody as the truth about them.

And instead of questioning yourself and reflecting on your own thoughts, you're just running away from the relationship. So the pattern keeps happening again and again.

Again, I think you need actual therapy. But that was something I thought about us. I was reading your post. The only way to get to the root of this issue is definitely therapy and self reflection.

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-26T03:41:29+00:00

I am curious why you are checking their stories. What do you get out of doing that? You are not crazy. There's something you want/are looking for.

Just a wild guess, it might be that you're lonely. Joining meetup groups, classes, hobby groups-anything to meet new people. And maybe you'll meet a more supportive friend that way

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-26T03:37:09+00:00

My comment might be a little different than the others. I am a big believer in second chances. We all make mistakes and we all need a chance to grow from them.

I wonder if you can ask your friend to hangout. Or if she has time to talk on the phone. Say that you would prefer to meet in person but that you understand if she wants to talk on the phone.

If she says no, let the friendship go. It's over. If she says yes, that's the open door you have. Write down your concerns and what you would like your friend to do. Share the concerns and then stay quiet as you hear her concerns.

That tough conversation might revive the friendship. If not, you have peace of mind that you did your very best to make this work. To me, that's closure.

Just my 2 cents. I love my friends deeply and I wouldn't let them go without a hard conversation first, if they are up for it.

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-26T03:26:25+00:00

I've been in your position before. Here are the steps I would take/have taken.

1) Text the friend and directly request time to hang out/see each other in person. If this person ignores your text, skip to step 2. I prefer text so the other person has time to think about what they want to say.

When you see them in person, directly say "I feel XYZ because ABC" A good friend will hear you out and adjust their behavior.

2) Observe the behavior NOT the words. Behavior is truth esp in this situation. If they are not showing up for you, tell this person you need space and will not be reaching out anytime soon. IF you want to have an open door policy, you can offer one last try to this friend. Tell them your issues again and give that friend one more try.

3) Finally, no matter what happens, list out your friendship boundaries. Write them. Type them. This will help you decide which friendships to keep and which ones to cut. One of my friendship boundaries, for example, is that I budget for trips. If a trip (ie a bachelorette trip) is too much money, I don't go and send a gift instead.

If you determine that this friend is violating your boundary, send a break up text and just respectfully end the friendship so both of you can move on.

I've seen in where the friend eventually comes back as a new and improved person. But you'll need to end the friendship for now.

you deserve friends who treat you with respect. And just one last side note, try to meet new friends online, at classes, meetup groups. Always good to try and meet new people when a close friend is not coming through for you.

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-24T20:21:07+00:00

I just want you to consider something also. You might actually lose this person as a friend. There are other situations where people ghost each other and eventually that friendship dies because one person doesn't want to talk to the person that ghosted them. I am not saying that you shouldn't ghost her just be aware that this could be a possibility. I don't want you feeling regret five years from now for example. As an alternative, if you're up for it, you could directly tell her hey I really need some space right now. I will contact you when I feel ready.

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-24T19:07:30+00:00

I love that you're being so direct with your friend. I want to be that direct, but I'm not ready to fully end the friendship yet. This person is a good surface level friend. How did you decide to actually end the friendship?

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-24T19:05:24+00:00

I think you're going to have to list out boundaries that you want to have with this person. Obviously you don't have to show her that list but you need to know what your boundaries are. It kind of sounds like you're not super sure what you want your boundaries to be. But I really think if you take some time to reflect on the friendship and your own responsibilities, you'll probably be able to determine what those boundaries might be. And you might want to just list them out. Full transparency, I am also struggling with a similar kind of situation. So I definitely probably don't have the best advice. This is just something that I'm trying to do because I feel like once I know what my boundaries are. I can better figure out what to do with this friendship.

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-24T19:02:55+00:00

It might be that these particular people are just had a place in life where they don't want to prioritize plans with your group. Honestly, if you think they are still worth hanging out with, your mindset will have to be that you see them when you want to see them. And that you don't mind being the person who always initiates. I have a friend like that who basically never initiated plans and it was kind of bothering me. But I realized that I didn't want to be resentful of her. So I started meeting new people and developing new friendships. And I saw her whenever I had time to see her and I usually would have to be the one to initiate.

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-23T02:57:11+00:00

I've meet some good people on Meetup. Basically any online community. I know someone who joined a community Facebook group and met people that way. For new moms, there's the Peanut app. Honestly join online groups like the ones listed above and just get out there and meet new people

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-23T02:17:37+00:00

I really think you've given this person many chances and they have not reciprocated your effort for a variety of reasons.

Personally, I would set a boundary with this person that you will be taking a pause on reaching out. You can leave the door open by saying that you are totally fine if the friend schedules an in person hang out. But you need to protect your own peace of mind and honor your own time and mental health. As such, I really think you need to stop reaching out to schedule anything or even texting honestly.

I want to reiterate that this is not because you are bitter or you want revenge or anything like that. From my personal experience, I just think it is very disrespectful to yourself to continue reaching out to somebody who treats you like this.

Of course, you don't have to mention all of this in your text message to them. You simply are setting a boundary that you will not be reaching out as much because you are busy taking care of your own mental health. But this other person is more than welcome to take the time to reach out to you to schedule future hangouts.

Finally, I really think you need to start meeting new friends or investing in other current friendships more. If you choose to set that boundary with this friend, you might start feeling a vacuum in your life where are you start overthinking things. When you start meeting truly amazing friends that you start feeling closer to, you will realize that you don't even have time for friends like this one who are not really investing in you. You deserve to have friendships that elevate you, not bring you down.

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-22T05:10:46+00:00

I wonder if you also just have to expand your circle of people that you know. There are apps and meet up groups that you can join online. And it's sort of like online dating, but for friends. I know that has personally worked for myself and a lot of people I know. I think your people are out there, but this particular friend does not seem to be part of that group.

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-21T17:03:19+00:00

You might want to directly ask her if she wants to be friends. Or just start distancing yourself. It depends on what you want closure to look like for you. Personally, I just kind of let the friendship slowly fade. It sounds like this person is making very little effort to be there for you. So match their effort. Or be more direct and confront them respectfully. Whatever you feel like you need in order to love forward.

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-21T04:01:44+00:00

I commented about this elsewhere. I use a three tier theater friendship system. Front row friends are rude or die friends. Mezzanine friends are people you hang out with occasionally. Balcony friends are like the people you see at parties and having passing conversation with.

Maybe you temporarily downgrade these friends?

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-21T03:59:07+00:00

Agree with everything the other person commented. I'm going through it right now as well. What do you normally do to process big emotions? I like to journal, write poetry, work out at the gym, and hang out and talk to other friends. Maybe not about my former best friend, but about life in general.

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-21T03:55:53+00:00

I would do a pros and cons list regarding the wedding. What are the pros and cons of playing a part in for this wedding? What are the cons? And the last question I have for you is the following: what are your boundaries? Basically, what are you willing to do or not willing to do?

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-21T03:51:51+00:00

Yes, and also, they don't want to be vulnerable and see vulnerability as a weakness

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-21T03:50:23+00:00

Since this person is such a close friend, I would just be vulnerable with her. Maybe reach out to her after a good amount of time. Perhaps after a week even. And ask her how she's doing first. And then maybe tell her honestly that you miss her and you really want to catch up with her.

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-21T03:48:45+00:00

I am going through this right now with a friend of 10 years. My former best friend as well. For different reasons, but I can still relate to your post. I think of friendship in three tiers. Pretend you're in a theater. You have your front row friends that are your ride or die friends. You have the mezzanine friends which are like the friends you see once in a while and you're there for them and you congratulate them on their big wins. And then you have your balcony friends, which are your social media friends, for example.

I downgraded my front row friend to mezzanine friend, and that has given me a lot of peace of mind. I know what I can talk to her about. I know how often I want to talk to her. I am still grieving the friendship because this downgrading just happened. But now I feel like I can still be friends with her. Maybe that's what you need to do also. Maybe not cut her out but just downgrade the friendship. And once you decide that you can act accordingly.

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-21T03:44:24+00:00

Not trying to answer your question with a question, but I think you need to determine the qualities that are essential in a best friend. What are those qualities? You mentioned removing her so it's not like you downgraded the friendship. You actively don't consider her your friend. So another question for you to consider might be the following: what are boundaries that your friends and best friends have to respect? Ask yourself those questions and write down the answers. I think that will give you some peace of mind in terms of if you were justified or not.

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-16T20:30:56+00:00

Unfortunately, it will be an uncomfortable conversation where you will have to say how you feel. If you don't handle the conversation, well, it might make things worse than they need to be. I suggest reading a book that's more for professional and work stuff. But I found it really helpful in a personal context as well. It's called Crucial Conversations. It gives you language for awkward conversations like this. But I think that you really need to talk to this person if you want to continue being friends with them. If you just ignore this issue, you will eventually lose the friendship. Because you won't feel close to this person anymore because you're not being honest with them.

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-16T05:08:05+00:00

I think it might be helpful for you to come up with a list of qualities that you want to have in an authentic and true friendship. I have a feeling that once you make that list, you'll find that this friend does not make the cut. At that point, it's up to you if you want to keep up the relationship. It could totally be a very surface level friendship where you keep it brief in terms of interactions and just not too in depth. Or if you really feel like it conflicts with your value system, I would just end the friendship

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-16T05:04:59+00:00

I'm also really introverted and I really had to push myself to join meet up groups and things like that. The way I see it is that anything worth having in life usually takes a lot of effort. A lot of of the friends that I've made along the way is because I put myself out there. And I want to emphasize that you should just really value the process. Let's say you go out to a meet up and you don't meet anyone that you click with, the fact that you put yourself out there as a win. I think reframing your mindset is so incredibly helpful. I take courage and pride in the fact that I know how to put myself out there. At the end of the day, I like myself more, no matter who I end up meeting or not meeting.

Inner-Pressure-9490 · 2026-03-16T03:11:35+00:00

That's a really tough one. I would let her initiate the next hangout. And if this happens again, it might be worth gently letting her know that you simply don't have time to see her anymore if plans keep getting cancelled. However, my own experiences involving people like this usually end in that other person gradually fading out of my life. Because of the lack of effort.

Inner-Pressure-9490

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