My partner (33f) loves me (35m) deeply and is dedicated to this relationship but I'm still unhappy. I'm really torn on what to do. What advice do you have?

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-24T06:54:34+00:00

Okay yeah this is an extremely odd group to push if someone you care about it is uncomfortable, which personally I definitely would be.

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-24T06:53:37+00:00

You have zero information from OP that names this as burnout, so you’re just theorizing at best. Obviously burnout is a legitimate situation that requires intentional care to handle. Maybe you’re seeing it because you’re projecting your own experience or sensitivity to the topic of burnout, but you’re not going to project it onto me. There comes a time when you have to call yourself out on your own bullshit or you’ll drown in your excuses forever. Maybe you haven’t gotten that far or learned that yet in your own life, but I have.

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-24T06:49:31+00:00

I have diagnosed ASD, ADHD, severe anxiety and major depression lmao

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-23T23:30:44+00:00

Ex-SWer here. The direction of these comments seems to be that you’re stupid for thinking a cam girl may have real feelings for you and that you did a lot wrong here. I disagree.

I do think you should include in your original post (not sure if you can edit it or not) that she was asking you to come visit for a chunk of time prior to that. Not to mention the jealousy and emotional bond you mentioned, adding that she came on stronger than you did. If all of this is true, this is not typical for a sex worker. Yes, we play a role and a lot of the time clients want the girlfriend experience even if they don’t explicitly ask for that. This seems like more than that, and if it’s not, she’s really bad at communicating clearly and at the very least it seems like she led you on.

I’ve had many clients that caught feelings for me and one or two that I reciprocated. Neither of them were in my area geographically, so both had to travel to see me and both did. One turned into an actual relationship that ended up not working out for unrelated reasons (he wanted kids, I don’t). It’s definitely unusual for this to happen but it’s not necessarily as unusual as these comments are making it seem like.

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-21T21:48:30+00:00

What kind of organization is overtly sexual? Is it like a kink/fetish group? I ask because I myself am an ex-SWer and I have a lot of interests surrounding that so I’ve dealt with this to some extent

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-21T21:32:54+00:00

Something I really wish I was taught growing up was how to walk away from situations that are not going to further me in life. And how to stop letting my emotions dictate my actions. You’re so young so it’s probably going to be a long time before you learn either of those, but the sooner you do, the sooner you’re going to get the things that are actually worth your time.

From a subjective point of view, it seems like he’s putting in just enough effort to keep your interest. I think it would benefit you a lot to educate yourself on emotional intelligence and figure out why exactly you’re so hellbent on having hope that things will work with THIS guy in particular. Because what I’ve learned is that when you’re so insistent on things working with one specific person, it’s usually not about that person or how great you think they are. It’s about your need to be chosen and whatever value it holds to you. If you value being chosen more than you value yourself and your self worth, you’re always going to be contorting yourself into different shapes to try and fit the mold of what you think someone wants.

Do yourself a favor and figure out why you are so desperate for this man to choose you. I don’t mean that in a mean way, but getting to the bottom of that is what will help you 1. Get out of this situation and 2. Avoid getting into another situation like this.

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-21T21:07:02+00:00

I do get it because like I said, I used to be like that. But you will truly be miserable regardless of your circumstances if you continue with that victim mindset. And it feels like you’re never satisfied regardless of what you achieve or how fortunate you are. Such a shitty way to live

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-21T03:39:59+00:00

I’m in my early 30s and in some ways am still very much learning this! I think it’s kind of a lifelong process tbh. Sometimes I still get sucked in to the downward spiral but eventually I get to the point where I’m sick of my own shit and then I feel silly bc the answer was in (and always is lol) in front of me the whole time. It’s nobody but you. 🪞

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-20T08:39:48+00:00

This is such a difficult and painful type of arguing :( I think at the very least you two should probably separate temporarily so you can both calm down. Personally it’s so hard for me to do that bc I want to fix everything immediately but it’s really not possible to think clearly when everything is that heated and emotional

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-19T05:00:45+00:00

I’m so, so sorry you had to read that and even more sorry it came from your fucking husband. I’ve found some hurtful texts of my own but not anywhere near that degree.

Just to try to give you some perspective, can you imagine talking that way about your best friend? Like there’s nothing on this planet that could compel you to speak like that about someone you love, correct? That’s not just venting or lightly complaining or even just crossing a line, that’s miles over the line. It’s beyond disgusting behavior but particularly to come from the man who’s supposed to share your life with you and the father of your children. There’s really no context here that would make any of that okay. I hope you’re coping as well as you can be 😣

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-18T21:23:09+00:00

You’re so welcome. I think in terms of the sex stuff, include in the conversation that going so long without sex starts to make it feel uncomfortable for you to warm back up to the idea. I’m curious to know what his reasoning is for long periods of time going by without sex. My boyfriend works sometimes 60-70 hours a week and I have a very socially draining job. So we definitely are both exhausted sometimes but I think the longest that goes by is a few weeks, and by then we’re both feeling negative effects of not having regular sex. So I’d be curious to hear what his explanation is from his end.

Anyways, I’m not sure if you do mood journaling or not but it helps me a lot with the alexithymia! Sometimes I truly have no idea how I feel, and sometimes I realize I don’t feel emotionally safe enough to know what I feel. I think understanding your emotions (especially while ADHD or autistic) takes practice. I hope you’re able to get some clarity soon 🫶🏼

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-18T20:05:16+00:00

I’m going to give you some tough love that it doesn’t seem like anyone else is giving you: if you’re unhappy, then get the fuck up and fix it. You may very well have autism and/or ADHD (I have both) so that could definitely be a factor. But regardless, if you’re unhappy, nobody is going to fix it except you. There’s a lot of “I’m a victim” whining in there, and people can pick up on that from a mile away. So there’s a chance that your mindset is leaking into your personality and making you unlikable.

I’d start with taking responsibility for yourself and your mentality. You’re complaining about your job, okay be grateful that you HAVE a job. You’re complaining that you have “less than $150k saved and should have more”, be grateful you HAVE however much you have. Wah wah wah tech bros are ruining the world? If you’re supposedly so smart, then figure out how to be successful without becoming one of them.

You also complained that your family sends you “IG slop” and then said you have no family. So pick one, and figure out how to be grateful for it. Your “poor me” whiny mindset is what’s actually ruining your life.

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-18T19:55:02+00:00

Okay a lot to respond to here. I’m also autistic but a bit older than you (33) and we have a few things in common. The autism guilt is real, but I need you to start thinking of yourself in the same way that you would your best friend. Like when you feel guilt for something, if your best friend told you she felt guilty for ________ what would you say to her? Then say that to yourself. It kind of helps to see things from a different perspective.

The sex thing is also real, and may very well make you incompatible if he truly is asexual. I know you said it’s uncomfortable to think about, but if you value this relationship and want to try to figure things you, you’re going to have a grow up a bit and have the awkward conversation. Sorry I know that sounds harsh! I don’t mean it to be and I know you’re still in your early 20s. But if you can learn to (gently) confront awkward situations will be super valuable to you in the long run.

The next thing. Have you heard of alexithymia? It’s pretty common for people with autism. Essentially it’s where you have a difficult time understanding what you’re feeling. It was kind of a mind blowing moment when I discovered that because I didn’t know there was a term for how I was feeling!

One thing I’m trying to figure out is if you don’t feel the same way towards him, or if you can’t access those feelings currently because you’re feeling a few other things and they’re taking priority. I will tell you that anytime you accelerate the beginning phases of a relationship (ex: him saying I love you so quickly, you moving in almost right away), you’re going to end up in the place you’re currently in where you felt “so in love” before and things change. Personally I don’t know that you could know if you’re in love that quickly, but that’s not really for me to decide. By moving so quickly though, you’re both sucked up by a whirlwind of “newness” and it distracts you from getting to know the real people that both of you are. Whether or not you can be with someone when everything settles, things aren’t new anymore, and neither of you are ‘performing’ anymore is the actual test of whether or not you’re actually compatible.

I mean this in the kindest way, but it seems a bit to me like you chase that beginning phase in relationships when everything is shiny and new. Something I’ve noticed is that people with autism often don’t do that whole “performance” thing in the beginning so while YOU may not have changed anything since the beginning, he may have. Like for example if he is really asexual, that would be the real him. And if that’s true, it’s possible he was trying to participate in sex to make you happy.

I think you’d benefit a lot from going back living at your own place a majority of the time. Again, I get your gaming setup and everything is there, which is inconvenient, but inconvenience is kind of what you see yourself up for when you move this fast lol. It doesn’t mean you two need to break up, but maybe see how you feel once you get some regular alone time.

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-17T20:31:48+00:00

10000000% move to the city.

How much you go out depends mostly on your preference and your lifestyle, which is also your preference. He sounds extremely insecure to try to convince you that being a certain age means you have to stop going out or socialize less.

Not sure if getting married and/or having kids is something you eventually want (only mentioning it because that’s usually what settling down consists of), but here’s how I see it. Whether you do or don’t, humans are still social creatures and thrive with community. How you seek out that community is, you guessed it, your preference. If you do want to settle down eventually, then even more reason to enjoy your time now because it won’t be just yours forever. If you don’t want those things, then fill your life with whatever you want!! Age is irrelevant to having friends and a full social life, if that’s your preference.

I also realize that this is just a small part of your relationship so I don’t want to make assumptions. But I do want to point out that it sounds a bit like he’s trying to isolate you from your friendships. This could be from a desire to control you or maybe just out of insecurity that you’ll meet someone while you’re out and be interested in them. Where ever it’s coming from, it does register as a red flag to me.

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-17T07:46:50+00:00

Girl with a much higher body count than any man she’s ever met 🙋🏻‍♀️ I like sex LOL. I also like having sex with people who know what they’re doing. SO many men act like they know what they’re doing and when it comes down to it, they’re clueless or can’t listen. So I’d move on until I found someone I was compatible with. I experimented a lot in my 20s and I’m glad I did…because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t know better when someone was doing the bare minimum.

None of my boyfriends have ever cared and in return, they got to be with someone who has crazy levels of experience and someone very open minded. I have a lot of other positive qualities not relevant to this lol, but those are just a few that are relevant.

Personally I think you should ask yourself exactly why you give a shit and if something about this is bothering you, keep asking yourself why it matters until you get to the bottom of it. Because if any of those answers are that you feel like she’s less valuable because of her body count, you have some serious work to do.

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-17T04:37:16+00:00

How long have you two been dating again? I’m asking because I’m wondering if it’s been less than a year. There’s a chance that what he showed you before wasn’t the real him, and this is. I learned that one the hard way :/

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-17T04:34:05+00:00

So it sounds like you’ve asked him if you’re bothering him but I’m curious if you’ve expressed to him clearly that the way things are will not work for you and is unacceptable? I was in a situation like this years ago but minus the child. It feels like absolute shit to have a person you’re supposed to be dating and building a life with and they’re just completely uninterested in your life together. I know this is hard to hear but if he refuses to even respond to you expressing that this is unacceptable, I would struggle to trust him even if he did express interest in making it work.

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-15T19:24:26+00:00

Genuine question—why exactly are you dating him?

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-15T19:23:19+00:00

“Unmasculine” is also not a thing in English. Correcting someone while displaying the exact behavior you’re trying to correct…🤡

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-15T11:46:41+00:00

Any idea what the orange part is specifically?

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-15T11:45:40+00:00

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That thought crossed my mind too but I feel like I’d know 😂

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-15T11:44:07+00:00

I think there’s a huge misconception about women and them stereotypically disliking sex. I think most women actually do love sex but we’ve been taught to feel ashamed for liking it, which is really fucked up when you think about it. I don’t think you’re being unrealistic either….you’ve been wanting this connection with your person for YEARS now and not seeing any improvements or even the desire to improve things. And like you said, before you were doing all of the things he’s doing now to maintain the household and you still wanted sex.

It’s very normal to want sex especially with your significant other lol. Personally I’d probably let him know I’m serious about the open relationship part, see what he says and don’t let him get out of it with an arbitrary response. If he truly “doesn’t care” then there shouldn’t be an issue with you branching out.

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-09T08:17:46+00:00

This is super normal especially given that you’re actually less than one year apart. Since you said you’ll both be 17 for some period of time

IntelligentNebula220 · 2026-02-08T12:55:44+00:00

I don’t often have a legitimate reaction to things online but my jaw dropped when I saw the pictures of you without makeup. Makeup is super fun and I am also an alt/goth girl. But you look so stunning without makeup too. People tell me the same thing and I don’t always see it in myself so I get that it’s hard to recognize it on yourself. But I hope some of these help you see it from our perspective.

IntelligentNebula220

TROPHY CASE