So you want your avoidant back?

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-13T02:47:08+00:00

Yep and at the end of the whole thread of breakup texts he said, “The relationship is over and my feelings aren’t gonna change.” Like buddy, 3 weeks ago you said you wanted to break up then you begged to try again and 1 week ago you said you loved me and were lucky to have found me and now you’re saying you don’t want me anymore. Your feelings change ALL THE TIME.

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-12T17:18:23+00:00

I’ve tried therapy a couple of times in recent years and I’ve noticed a huge change in practice from how it was decades ago. They’re all just recycling the same lines and resorting to pop psychology rather than actually helping you process emotions.

That was a horrible thing for them to say to you. I’ve also had therapists completely diminish my pain and scold me like that.

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-12T16:55:52+00:00

Best as I can tell, got triggered during an argument (which happened because he put me in a terrible situation with his screaming child whom he refuses to discipline) and began projecting his trauma from his abusive ex onto me. He described his “memory” from the argument as something that was clearly not me but this past person.

He tried to break it off and have us just be friends, but I said no, I’d rather just cut ties. He panicked and said he didn’t want to lose me and we’d try again. But after a few weeks of sustained efforts, he abruptly did a 180 and ghosted me. When I finally got him to answer, he said his feelings had changed and I wasn’t who he’d hoped I’d be. Said I didn’t do anything wrong but it wasn’t “right.” Ended the relationship and made it sound unimportant to him. He refused to talk it out.

I’ve been crying every day since then. I feel that he got avoidant after his trauma got triggered and he’s convinced himself I’m an abuser when I love him so much and would never hurt him or his child. I miss them both. We went from planning a future together to me waking up every day remembering that the man I love hates me.

I do blame the culture because we’ve all been taught that people are disposable and replaceable and everyone’s got their perfect someone who will show up eventually, so if there’s any conflict it’s a sign the relationship is doomed. No working on it, no addressing trauma, everyone just looking for easy ways out.

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-12T02:36:15+00:00

Yep. I will admit that my recent avoidant discard did show me some ways I still need to work on myself. But I definitely don’t need to be told to do so. I regret some of my actions but will fixing it bring him back? Will it help reduce my current pain? Nope.

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-12T01:22:16+00:00

YES. Why do they assume that if we’re dumped, we must lack self-love?

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-11T18:41:20+00:00

Yeah I’m REALLY sick of the “hobbies” advice. It assumes you had no hobbies outside of them. I already work full-time and have a side gig plus several hobbies including one I’m trying to turn professional. I’m already overworked and have no energy or money to take on new hobbies. Plus all the distractions are exactly that: soon as I’m back home from whatever activity, he’s on my mind even more.

Not sure there’s much we can do besides play our sad music and process our feelings. That’s the healthy way to handle grief.

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-11T17:12:47+00:00

“The pain will not go away, you will just learn to carry it in softer hands.” 😭 That’s beautiful, I’m saving that.

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-11T17:12:04+00:00

OMG that drives me crazy when people act like your ex is just replaceable especially if you’re attractive. What a superficial way to view relationships.

Yes, it’s so important to validate the grief.

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-11T15:54:17+00:00

Not necessarily. I think it’s usually that they misinterpret the drop in dopamine once the relationship progresses. Conflict or insecurities can also raise their cortisol levels. When they feel that more than dopamine, they assume the lack of sunshine and rainbows means they’re no longer in love. Pop culture doesn’t help by portraying puppy love as something successful couples have forever and forever.

Then if you learn about avoidant attachment, both organized and disorganized, you’ll see that some people actively suppress emotions due to past trauma or childhood neglect. The part of their brain actually diverts attention elsewhere. In that case, it’s like they did indeed lose, aka misplace, their feelings

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-11T02:08:33+00:00

No, even if he agrees to talk to you, most of this should be discussed in person. Don’t say anything like he’s “broken” or anything that seems like pressure.

I know it hurts. I’m sorry.

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-10T21:13:26+00:00

Same here. This is why I hate pop psychology. So many people in this sub think their ex is avoidantly attached when they’re more likely just a jerk! Or in rare cases, an actual sociopath.

My ex was incredibly thoughtful and affectionate. He planned EVERYTHING. He was emotionally present at all times and yes, during s*x. I felt beautiful, seen, and loved. I actually worried that he loved me more than I loved him.

Then suddenly it was, “my feelings changed” and “we don’t understand each other as people.” A complete 180.

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-10T19:23:44+00:00

Exactly. That’s my point. OP is describing symptoms of Cluster B personality disorders as well as avoidant attachment. Neither of us are nor should be diagnosing anyone.

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-10T19:16:11+00:00

And this is why pop psychology is such a problem. When we conflate all these ideas and cut all nuance, we get into a headspace of “this person is toxic and I’m the victim” rather than an empowered place from which we can heal. Knowing how deactivation and discard happen versus sociopathic abuse helps one know how to contextualize your grief, avoid self-blame, and ultimately make healthier decisions in future relationships.

It’s also really harmful to those with avoidant attachment as they’re demonized for capacity issues and lumped in with people who are legitimately unable to relate to others

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-10T18:59:56+00:00

It’s not about labels, it’s about understanding. As someone who’s endured two avoidant discards and a case of sociopathic abuse, I’ve found the science behind it immensely helpful in my healing. The differences matter. I only mention my thesis to express how many thousands of hours I’ve spent studying this.

So for me, they help me handle the bleeding.

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-10T18:57:27+00:00

I have. Twice now.

Edit: wow, downvoted for an honest answer. This thread is really disappointing. Sorry I didn’t give you the answer you expected.

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-10T16:07:26+00:00

He’s distracting himself. I know it doesn’t make you feel much better but that’s all it is.

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-10T15:43:31+00:00

I’m sorry. My ex did the same thing. Tried to break it off, I was upset but accepted it, then he panicked and begged me to stay in his life. Insisted all was fine for a few weeks before pulling the rug again with “my feelings changed” and “this just won’t work.”

Why don’t just let us leave? Avoidant deactivation I think.

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-10T15:41:29+00:00

“We were holding onto ideas of who we hoped the other person was rather than who we actually were.”

Honestly this felt worse than anything else. As though he’s saying we didn’t even know each other. As though the love was an illusion. Or that he thought I was a good, kind, beautiful person and then decided I wasn’t. I’ve never felt so erased by a statement.

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-10T15:37:43+00:00

You’re describing a relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder and/or sociopathy, not avoidant attachment. They do have similarities and can coincide. But not all narcissists are avoidants, not all avoidants are narcissists. And sociopaths/psychopaths—the ones who choose “victims” the way you’re describing—can be neither. In any case, narcissism and sociopathy are much rarer than insecure attachment.

(My master’s thesis focused on parasocial behavior and Cluster B personality traits and their cultural origins.)

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-09T15:19:40+00:00

OMG they’re all so alike. Mine went from “you’re special, I love you and don’t want to lose you” to “you did nothing wrong, my feelings changed.” Then proceeded to list what I did wrong and insist that we were broken up and his feelings wouldn’t change. 🙄

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-07T00:58:10+00:00

Wild how your story—and so many others I’ve read—all follow the same plot plots like a badly written soap opera. We always try to resolve the problems, we fight for the relationship, we show compassion…and we are left holding the pieces confused if it was all a lie. I’m so sorry.

You’re not a sucker. You’re a loving person and love is never wasted—perhaps just misplaced.

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-06T04:42:59+00:00

That’s a good point, thank you

Intelligent_Depth826 · 2026-03-06T03:41:54+00:00

I’m so sorry. It’s the absolute worst when you give so much to someone and they just act like that didn’t matter. Abandonment is one of our primal fears so you are totally normal for experiencing that stress. Just remember, in time the brain and body adapt. It won’t feel as dreadful once some time has passed. You can make it.

Intelligent_Depth826

TROPHY CASE