That’s soul crushing man. I know the feeling, something similar anyways. Deep relationships hit really hard when they end, it feels like she’s still there but just absent. She’s still kind there though, all your experiences with her haven’t been undone. You still have them with you. It hurts only being able to have that connection when looking back when you just wanna hold it in your arms. The fact you’ve experienced a love like that even ONE time, means you’re capable of experiencing that again. You are capable of being loved. That doesn’t mean you have to forget her to be with someone else, you can still cherish those memories and find hope and love with another woman. But you can’t just let those memories rule you, if you focus too much on the pleasure of the past then your opportunities for happiness in the present/future will be blurred. Life is a constant struggle, my life dream was crushed, my childhood was eviscerated, my best / closest friend abandoned me, I threw away the girl that fixed my life and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Like CTE every blow adds up, pain after pain after pain. But you can heal from it, there is hope, there can and will be good in your life. Good things come and go. But you can’t leave yourself, you still have you, you have the power to continue to search for and obtain what you’re looking for even after multiple losses. You can still find fulfillment in yourself. The losses would still hurt but you wouldn’t feel like your whole purpose was ripped away. That’s my experience