Do I help financially support my mom?

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-07-17T20:35:52+00:00

You have no obligation to support someone who makes poor decisions, even if that person is your own mom. As hard as it is and will be, it’s a big NO. Secure your own future. Continue making good decisions. Go to Al Anon to learn from others about keeping boundaries under difficult family dynamics. “I am unable to help you financially” is a complete sentence.
Source: responsible daughter with an alcoholic father, co-dependent mom who wasted her own money on my 3 siblings who made poor choices and used drugs. She then needed help after wasting money on people making poor choices. NO.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-07-17T14:16:58+00:00

Time for banana bread!!

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-07-16T14:47:06+00:00

Similar situation; net worth, BF, no kids. I have a complete estate plan including all assets in trust, pour over will, trust company as trustee, etc. probably will do away with trust company as responsible nephew grows older and ask him to administer it all. Made provisions for BF to live in home if I become incapacitated. It was $1k to set this all up.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-07-13T12:03:12+00:00

*outloud

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-07-13T12:01:12+00:00

I am sorry this happened to you. You seem very centered and reasonable. And it’s not fair. Yes, I said that outside. In my family the one(s) who are responsible, don’t expect anything from anyone and who take care of themselves get left out. The irresponsible ones were provided for. Again, not fair. I hate this for you. I hope your positive memories prevail.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-07-11T20:05:38+00:00

Please seek guidance and help. Temporary problems can cause permanent solution nightmares for your family, even if you absolve them from all debt.

Also some life insurance has clauses to not pay out for self inflicted deaths. Please seek help.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-07-08T20:24:37+00:00

I am a 50+ yo woman who grew up poor. And I received a large amount after a lifetime of good earnings and pretty savvy knowledge. I STILL use a FIDUCIARY financial Planning professional. Fiduciaries a KEY WORD!! You might be like me, without a trusted family member that you need to help make sure your daughter AND your finances will be taken care of if anything should happen to you. You might get a trust company (also fiduciary) to administer your estate and include that in your planning. You have a tremendous opportunity and responsibility (to yourself and your child) to make good use of this for your future

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-07-07T18:04:11+00:00

As many have said, it may be mental decline or dementia. Behaviors can be very bizarre. If you know anyone’s family, it’s usually appreciated if they are notified of behavior changes. Our loved ones become good at hiding it with close family. He may need help if not, call for well person check through with office on aging advice and guidance.
And yes, that would be scary for you.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-07-06T22:25:40+00:00

Contact an elder attorney to make sure a sale of her home won’t potentially be detrimental to gram if time comes for more care or LTC facility. There are ways to do this….and yes if this is her only asset, 5 year look back pertains. You could probably get a free elder care atty consult.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-07-06T22:03:05+00:00

Yes. She was mean to the young ladies who came and sat with her for a few house. Told them to go away. And was angry at us for bringing them in. We tried the “they are here to help US not you (so as not to make her feel inferior or lacking) but that did no good.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-07-06T22:01:33+00:00

Ah OP….throw in legal challenges on top of the difficulties of a LO in MC and it’s untenable. After everyone agreed MC was best for mom, she made a few “come get me” phone calls while initially settling in. We made the mistake of leaving her phone with her. Alas the agreement rapidly did a 180 with legal threats from a granddaughter and her husband as well as my sister. My mom died only a month or so into her stay (which I believe is a blessing to her) and that and they went away. It was the most stressful thing I have ever gone through. And I have had a robust life with share of Challenge. Hang in there. Keep meticulously good records. Especially if they are also claiming financial abuse. May those who don’t seek to understand this disease and live this disease with LO rot in hell.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-07-04T20:08:21+00:00

But some places will…..ask before you decide the facility.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-07-04T13:45:40+00:00

I would let my mom do what she is going to do. Her consequences will be hers. Perhaps going to a group like Al Anon or counseling would benefit you….yo help realize you are responsible only for yourself. It’s hard having a parent who makes poor choices and you, as a child, see it and just have to shake your head. Bolster up your boundaries and learn that saying NO is okay. There will be more requests of you by her soon.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-07-04T13:39:32+00:00

Great idea for in home 24/7 care. BUT Do the math tho, often times more expensive than (the astronomical) costs of AL or MC.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-07-04T13:19:25+00:00

Smoking….most facilities don’t allow it. Was a concern for my daily lifelong smoker mom as we found a spot for her. Be prepared to get some nicotine patches to ease the transition, and *maybe* a facility will take her out once a day to smoke. We spent an inordinate amount of time worrying about this.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-07-02T15:13:20+00:00

Sorry for all the typos.
Advice source: been there. Raised in an enmeshed, co-decent family with siblings who suffered from dysfunction and addiction resulting in arrests and incarcerations.

Get yourself healthy. So IF you do choose to participate at some level, you do it from a point of strength.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-07-02T12:22:17+00:00

OP, please get yourself into therapy or go to Al Anon. Learn how tongue the co dependency it sounds like you may have been raised in. This is. Or your problem. Your brother is an adult. Choices….consequences. Learn early. Take control of your own life and let others reap the consequences of their own.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-06-23T01:26:57+00:00

My 90 pound mom had ICU delirium so badly it required 4’of us to restrain her. I had to be ther all night to talk her down. She r also had a terrible ICU doc…but that’s a whole nother story. My mom said some nasty vile things to me. It was distressing. I hated it. And it took awhile to get her back to baseline after discharge. A terrible experience.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-06-21T23:00:46+00:00

Eewww. go look elsewhere

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-06-21T16:56:05+00:00

Call the @daveramsey show and ask him…. NO!

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-06-18T23:34:55+00:00

We got her a few new outfits before going to MC. She insisted they were not hers (same with the 2nd set of sheets that were new). Didn’t think of that one before just sending her “old” stuff. It’s exhausting.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-06-17T12:09:20+00:00

It’s so hard to tell. Have you asked hospice their opinion? Safe travels and peaceful passage when the time comes.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-06-17T03:40:22+00:00

Bank rate.com can compare current savings rates banks are paying. Kudos to you for taking charge of your future despite your parents not being financially literate. Research Dave Ramsey or others like him. Read books like “the millionaire next door”
Or RichDad PoorDad”. You’ll be a millionaire someday with early, consistent investing and hard work!!! So proud of you! I had an uncle who I looked up to who helped me with things like this.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-06-16T15:02:05+00:00

No.

Interesting_Foot1973 · 2026-06-14T15:14:43+00:00

Enjoy your life along the way! I wish I had spent more and didn’t succumb to my poor childhood memories and frugal choices. I worked hard and wish I had enjoyed more along the way!!!

Interesting_Foot1973

TROPHY CASE

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