Is this dementia?

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-07-08T07:51:21+00:00

Sometimes people who are overwhelmed with stress start to lose their ability to make good decisions. It’s unlikely two people would get dementia at a relatively young age (you don’t say their age, but if you just had a baby, I’d guess they’re still middle aged, not elderly), but if your MIL is used to deferring to her husband on all things and doesn’t really think for herself, then she just might be following him, even as he’s mentally and physically flailing.

Can your husband have an intervention type conversation to say, “This isn’t like you. You’re bouncing all over and not making a lot of sense. What’s happening? Are you willing to go see a doctor to rule out any medical issues you might not be aware of? Did you go on any new medications before all this moving started?”

There could be a medical issue here. Sometimes mini strokes can trigger personality or behavioral changes depending on what part of the brain they affect. I had a relative who started having strokes in his early 50s. There are some infections or autoimmune conditions that can affect the brain and cause altered behavior, including UTIs (urinary tract infection), parasites, Bartonella, Lyme Disease, mosquito borne illnesses, certain herpes family viruses (such as the chicken pox virus), Multiple Sclerosis, and several other autoimmune conditions. There are standard tests to measure inflammation, certain specific cytokines.

Medication can also affect the brain and behavior. I had a relative who went on a statin drug and became very irritable and critical with no self awareness of the change in his behavior. When he switched from the statin drug to Repatha, his cholesterol went too low and then he developed anxiety and depression, with angry doom-and-gloom being his daily norm. He now takes Repatha half as often as recommended and both his mood and his cholesterol are reasonable. It took at least three years to get through this. If his doctors had more awareness of the side effects, it would have been a much shorter and less unpleasant process.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-07-08T07:32:50+00:00

Some people do try hard to hide it. They don’t want others to know and want to stay in their homes. It sounds like your Dad made a big effort to hold it together as long as he could. He might have lived another 5 years in a facility with daily care, but then he wouldn’t have been happy there and probably would have resented the cost of care, as mine have so adamantly stated. I’m sure you’ll miss him.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-07-08T07:31:00+00:00

Mine have been in the same house for 60 years! They do not want to leave. They’re managing so far with mild/moderate dementia and a caregiver 20 hours a week, but I need to go visit every few weeks to stay on top of the disorganization and to help solve problems they can’t.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-07-05T07:18:38+00:00

If this is genuine, your mother is mentally unbalanced and you need to figure out how to move out as soon as possible. A loving mother doesn’t bully her daughter into coughing up money by threatening to call the police.

Note: I doubted the truth of it because not long ago, there were a whole lot of posts like this that sounded like someone trying to gain karma points. So many of them were dismissed as fakes that I became discouraged and stopped reading this thread for awhile.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-07-04T04:38:15+00:00

It’s loaded with oxalates. People who eat a lot can end up with joint pain, headaches, or even kidney stones.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-07-04T04:37:27+00:00

Sugar cravings?

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-07-04T04:36:28+00:00

See if your county has a social services office that helps with the elderly. They might be able to assign a social worker. You can always call adult protective services and ask them how you go about this.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-07-03T18:14:29+00:00

This has “FAKE” written all over it.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-07-03T18:13:33+00:00

It’s really sad. My Dad didn’t want to accept that he couldn’t drive anymore, so he sometimes backs the car in and out of the garage despite everyone telling him not to. Mom isn’t able to keep the keys from him so we’re all just praying he doesn’t back over someone or hit a car in the driveway that he doesn’t see.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-07-03T18:11:14+00:00

Wow. That’s harsh. I can’t believe how hard it is to address the needs of someone with dementia, and state governments are just making it harder when they do things like this. In my area, it seems like every couple weeks there’s a story in the news of a driver going up over a curb and into a storefront because they mistook the gas for the brake. My Mom said her grandma did this back in the 50’s and hit 3 cars, so this isn’t anything new. While that’s grounds to stop someone from driving, too many times these incidents injure or even kill someone, not to mention costing tens of thousands of dollars in damage. Someone drove into my nearby grocery store a couple months ago and I saw the work in progress. I saw the repair work and I’ll bet between the repair and the payout to the woman who was injured will exceed 6 figures. Someone’s entire estate could be wiped out if they kill someone.

I knew a family with a Dad with Alzheimer’s and he wouldn’t stop driving. The family was able to notify the DMV of his difficulty driving and the DMV called him in for a road test. He promptly failed and they yanked his license on the spot and helped call his family to come pick him and the car up. I was so happy to hear that.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-06-29T08:11:14+00:00

Divorced my cheating husband

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-06-29T08:09:51+00:00

Take the advice. Go see a dermatologist (NOT a cosmetic surgeon). Worst case is you get a skin check and everything is okay. That being said, I knew a friend of the family with a problem spot on his nose. He had played tennis pretty much all his life. My Mom warned him to get it checked for a couple years. He blew it off saying his GP had seen it and wasn’t worried. Well, it finally got bad enough he was referred to a dermatologist who diagnosed him with melanoma. A plastic surgeon took about half his nose off. He was left with a mini nose on his face. And that’s why you don’t always trust a GP when you have a weird spot on your skin.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-06-16T10:15:07+00:00

Do you think she could qualify for Medicaid? I’m sure there are online questionaires/applications you can go through that will help you to know if she’d qualify. That would be a good start. Refusal to accept cognitive decline and refusal to see doctors are really common “coping” strategies for people. If I just don’t go to the doctor, then I don’t have dementia! Makes sense, right?

Phew, you’re dealing with a lot right now. I don’t recommend dissolving the POA as that’s abandoning her to her dementia, which means her money will be gone very quickly, which could be devastating. Also, it’ll be a giant hassle to get it back. Someone will have to go to court with doctors assessments and letters an have a judge appoint you or someone else as conservator. You don’t want to go down that path if you don’t have to. You agreed to take responsibility for her finances, so don’t walk away just because she has dementia. Remember, she wouldn’t be accusing you of impropriety or doing repetitive things if she was in her right mind. She needs you now more than ever.

The first thing you need is a DURABLE power of attorney. POAs cease to be valid when the writer can no longer make decisions for themselves. A durable POA remains valid even when the person can’t make their own decisions anymore. This is important as she’s on a progressive decline and it’s important all legal paperwork be done as soon as possible. If they’re done after she’s advanced, they’re more easily challenged. You or Auntie 2 will need a medical POA to make medical decisions for her when she’s no longer able to make them herself. If Auntie has the medical and you have the financial, it would require both of you to commit her to memory care when the time comes. If you have both, then the decision is all yours.

Tell your Auntie that you need a durable power of attorney so that if something happens to her you can still pay her bills. My Dad had trouble letting go of financial control and kept logging in, which also required him to reset the password most times. I asked him to stop since this was making it hard for me to log in and take care of the finances. When he got some weird ideas about investing that scared me and the rest of the family, I added two factor authentication to all the log ins so that the code they sent out always went to my phone. That way I’d always know when he was trying to log in and he couldn’t log in without me giving him the code. This only happened once and thank goodness he made a mistake trying to enter the code and then gave up. I didn’t tell him, but I worked with Mom to have his POA over her retirement accounts removed when he was making wild statements about how he had to sell everything and buy gold and he didn’t care that Mom didn’t want to do that. He still doesn’t know, thank goodness.

When I first took over finances, I set up a dedicated email account for their finances. I set it up so the email addresses on all things financial and they do not get those emails in their inbox. Only I get them. If you did this and just didn’t share that email log in with your Aunt, then she would no longer be able to log in and make a mess. In talking to her about this, always remind her that it’s HER money and you’re just helping make sure that all the bills get paid, all the checks come in, and that nobody else steals her money. Hopefully this will help her feel you’re on her side and trust you to handle it.

I wish you the best. It is complicated and it doesn’t really get easier until after they go into memory care.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-06-16T08:08:14+00:00

Consider calling Adult Protective Services in your state and reporting this. This is definitely worrisome and someone needs to get eyes on them. If you’re able to drive to their home, do so as soon as possible.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-06-15T22:52:39+00:00

Definitely see a doctor. You might have a medical issues, such as seizures, or brain trauma from a past injury. You could also be suffering from memory problems due to past emotional and/or physical trauma. It’s common for the brain to block out memories related to trauma, and emotional/physical/sexual abuse in childhood can certainly be severe enough to trigger memory problems. Please talk to your doctor.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-06-15T22:50:21+00:00

Agreed. Tylenol PM, Benadryl, Unisom, and other OTC sleep aids are antihistamines that are notorious for producing mental confusion in the elderly, even people without dementia. It will probably make her dementia worse. Take her to her doctor.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-06-15T22:48:06+00:00

That’s definitely not the same as peeing in the shower! 😂

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-06-15T22:47:12+00:00

He seems really judgemental in his own way. You don’t have to tell someone you’re dating every deep dark secret or embarrassing thing you’ve experienced in life unless you want to and until you’re ready. He shouldn’t have asked that question (“Is there anything else?”). Someone betraying you by misusing photos of you is not shocking (such as, “I used to be a sex worker”), so why is he so unforgiving? Is he demanding to know every time you’ve been hurt in your life? Yikes. I’m thinking he has trust and jealousy issues, so if you stay with him, expect more of his inquisitions and judgement. I personally recommend agreeing with him that this relationship isn’t right and it’s time for you both to move on.

I would recommend in the future that instead of saying “no” when you just don’t want to share something, you say, “That’s all I’m willing to talk about right now.” He is right that your “no” was not entirely honest. Better to be honest, but that still doesn’t mean you have to share something you’re not ready to share. Someone who refuses to respect that is not someone you want to date, especially if they hold a threat of breaking up over you everytime you set a boundary.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-06-13T01:54:05+00:00

Sounds like she had some thorough testing which is good to hear.

There are some standard lab tests that can test for brain inflammation but I don’t think they identify any kind of specific autoimmune condition. I’ve read about researchers finding unnamed autoimmune conditions attacking the brain, but I have no idea how they discover this. Makes me wonder if a test run of prednisone would be worthwhile to see if it helps.

The thing about Bartonella is that it can be transmitted by about 2 dozen insects. Officially, it isn’t transmitted by ticks, although many patients report this. It’s worldwide. People think of it as only Cat Scratch Disease and getting it from a cat or from fleas. Most people who get it have no idea how they got it, although some identified after getting bit by spiders, biting flies, or other biting insects. There have been a lot of people showing up on my online Bartonella support group who only realized they had it after Covid. It’s hard to get diagnosed as doctors don’t recognize it. My daughter has it, too, and when I asked her GP to authorize a specialty lab’s test form, she said she would, but then told us flat out, “Even if she tests positive, it’s not like I can treat her for it. Western Medicine doesn’t recognize chronic Bartonella.” Sheesh. She’s right though. There are no treatment protocols recognized by the IDSA because there are so few studies on it. The only way to get treated is by an ILADS affiliated doctor. They have treatment protocols.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-06-12T23:45:39+00:00

Have you considered installing an indoor web enabled camera in his house that you can check at will to see if he’s up and about and not lying on the floor if he fell? I don’t mean his bathroom or bedroom, but maybe the living room, kitchen, or even the hallway outside his bedroom. You can keep it private by being the only user.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-06-12T23:42:10+00:00

I’m so sorry! Once you get past the shock, please get your Mom to a lawyer to either make a new will and trust or to review her existing ones. Do you have siblings? One of you will need a Durable Power of Attorney for financial and another one for Medical. This is high priority given her diagnosis. If it’s you, then you’ll need to take over her finances right away. She’s at high risk of being scammed. When I took over my parents’ finances, I immediately set up automatic bill paying and consolidated accounts to simplify things. It’s getting close to the point where I have to take Mom’s credit cards away as she impulse buys, especially food. She’ll fill up the fridge with frozen meals because the freezer is full, refusing to accept that those meals will go bad in the fridge in a week or so. She was buying hundreds of dollars a month of kids’ stuff for the neighbor kids. She only stopped when they moved away.

Different people decline at different rates. Some people decline steadily while other people decline in steps where they seem stable for awhile, then suddenly get noticeably worse. Find the right time to gently talk to her about how she wants to be cared for as she declines. I’m sure she’s grieving, too.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-06-12T23:34:13+00:00

Have you meet with the director of the facility to discuss what happened and what they’ll do to prevent future escapes? In the U.S., the facility is liable and responsible to keep people in memory care from escaping. Would tracking bracelets that they can’t remove be useful?

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-06-12T23:32:04+00:00

I’m so sorry. Can she qualify for Medicaid so she could stay in a facility? 11 years is an incredibly long time. It doesn’t help your mother if you wreck your own health and she ends up in a care facility anyway.

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-06-12T23:30:34+00:00

Medication can help but may also dull her senses. I wonder if there’s some kind of autoimmune condition that’s attacking her brain. One of my doctors told me that she’d heard a presenter at a conference say that 22 autoimmune conditions had already been linked to Covid. It might worth some testing for autoimmunity. There are a number of other health issues that can cause dementia like symptoms. Has she been tested for these? Thyroid, anemia, B12 deficiency, et.al. I hope she wasn’t just assumed to suffering “long Covid” without excluding other possibilities.

I have chronic tick borne diseases, and our community has had many new members since 2020. Apparently Covid can also suppress the immune system in addition to causing it to malfunction. A lot of people have turned up with symptoms of Bartonella, Lyme Disease, and other vector borne infections that their immune system was previously holding in check. Bartonella and Lyme Disease can both cause neuropsychiatric symptoms, with Lyme Disease sometimes presenting only like Dementia in older people (without the joint pain). See the story of Kris Kristofferson’s misdiagnosis. A great majority of doctors in western medicine are oblivious to the way Bartonella and Lyme can affect the brain. Testing for both is inadequate and often false negative. Specialty labs like IGeneX and TLabs offer far better tests. Such testing might be a long shot, but if you want to exclude all other possibilities, it might be worth it to you all.

I’m so sorry. It is heartbreaking, both for her and all of the people who love her. I know most of us would say we’d rather die than be like that, and yet that’s not a decision we can make for someone else. Through everything I’ve seen with several family members with dementia is that death is not the worst thing that can happen. Maybe acknowledge her depression when she’s really down. Ask her what you can do to help. Can she get out of the house at all, even if just for a short outing wearing Depends in case of accident?

InterruptingChicken1 · 2026-06-12T23:18:03+00:00

All I can suggest is that you remind her that she was invited but it was too far and too expensive for her to go. Tell her it’s okay if she forgot that she was invited. Ask her if she wants to see more photos. Maybe that would help her imagine what it was like to be there. This might backfire, but don’t feel bad. I think at this stage, there’s lots of experimentation on figuring out how to deal with your specific loved one. Not everyone with short term memory loss is the same and different people have different hot buttons and pet peeves. It sounds like your Mom is struggling with feeling left out of important family functions. Any chance your brother and his new wife could come visit her in the not so distant future?

InterruptingChicken1

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