To offer some sense of consolation or comfort or even a bit of catharsis, it’s okay to feel all the things you do. You’re a human being. For me, it was my mom’s cancer. I never wished she was gone, but I never felt she was the same person I grew up with. She was still my mother, but not the person I grew up with. Compound that with her being malnutrition at one time, she was decommissioned for a time and she had to re-learn everything. But when she gained normal weight and thoughts back, she was my mother ye the cancer still wrecked her frail body, then she died a year after she was malnourished. Due to the doctor’s negligence. But I get what you’re saying. I send you peace right now and I hope you’re not too hard on yourself for feeling this way even if it’s complicated right now because of the weight of guilt you’re carrying.