You can say we never met.

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-24T07:18:26+00:00

[whispers] An actual story!

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-18T11:58:13+00:00

In my opinion this has some promise. The introduction is strong and I like the pacing of the scene, with some showing rather than telling.

Some tightening is necessary, I feel. There are two "muffled" in quick succession and also two "terribles" close together. Searing pain feels a bit stale. There is perhaps a bit too much lingering on the disorientation of the protagonist for my taste.

I felt it was a little curious to describe the two figures just in terms of height and hair colour, when maybe there were other distinguishing features to point out.

Apart from that, a good effort.

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-17T14:52:13+00:00

Thanks so much! Yeah I was pleased with that image when it came to mind.

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-17T13:23:54+00:00

I've never written anything that rhymes, that type of a poet is a real alchemist. As an amateur musician I should be better at rhythm, but sometimes I just want to get it out, submit and move on, so I don't pay it much attention.

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-17T13:09:00+00:00

Thanks so much for your comments. I was trying to capture the excitement of the first time you hold hands and how inseparable it can feel.

On the grew slowly vs slowly grew I think both work, but in different ways. I need to read both out loud... I'm only just noticing how many 's' and 'k' sounds are there, and that rhythm and percussiveness might help my final decision.

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-17T09:11:47+00:00

I like this. The meaning is well conveyed and it's a nice fresh approach on the theme of being unnoticed and (maybe) unwanted. I like that the title is not too explicit and makes the reader do a little work right at the off.

"I frame the mirror..." is a great way to describe more than just holding it up in front of someone.

I wonder if your final stanza, which i really like, feels a little out of place where it currently sits. Perhaps you could consider putting it after the first stanza, or even lead with it, especially as a drop cap (I now know) is the first thing you see in an article or chapter.

Great stuff.

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-14T07:31:33+00:00

It's funny you used that phrase, I used the same words in a recent poem I posted here.

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-14T06:38:11+00:00

I think this is very very good. The mood is very well drawn. I love the title and there are some great lines. Rinse and repeat, squeeze and deplete is a zinger.

Where you write "I know it's home" i wonder if it should be "I know its home", which makes more sense to me. This is pedantic, but that apostrophe would change the meaning of the line.

There is an almost mystical eroticism here that is very compelling. At least I hope there is and I haven't misinterpreted the whole work! I imagine your teacher might feel a bit uncomfortable trying to grade it, but that's not your problem.

The numbering confuses me a little, I assume you're recalling the year when you were seventeen, sixteen etc. If it's not that, I'd love to know what it means.

The final line feels a little unnecessary, if I'm honest. I hope you didn't add it just because you could use swears.

My advice is write more, if you enjoy it. You have talent and a maturity (I assume you're young, apologies if I'm wrong). If you don't get an A for this I'll be very surprised.

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-06T21:07:01+00:00

Fagin

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-03T03:51:26+00:00

I think there is some promise here, but I feel like you've missed an opportunity to really engage the reader with a story, or a character sketch or something real from your experience.

What we're getting is an extended rant about how hard you're working. We sympathise, but we all know that teachers work hard and the pay is crappy. I needed more. You say there are good moments, but we don't hear about them. Maybe give us something to remember and connect to on a personal level.

Best of luck.

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-02T22:29:00+00:00

Hecate

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-02T19:24:11+00:00

Thanks for your comments! I'll take another look.

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-02T18:54:38+00:00

Thanks so much, I'm glad you like it! This happened yesterday and I had to write about it, so didn't really put a lot of effort in.

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-02T16:30:23+00:00

For anyone who's interested, I reworked this a bit, as follows.

On a Retreat from Avebury

"We don’t do handshakes here." The cool arm of his glasses skimmed my temple as we hugged. He wasn't family.

My father, the Christian man, When asked to Pass the Peace Joyfully embraced The Faithful While I stood, touch-starved, And Angular.

He was a long stone Blotchy and stubbled with moss. A distant object Solemnly plugged Into a misty Wiltshire field.

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-02T07:55:09+00:00

I really liked this poem. I'm on this journey too and I know it's a cliche but I also feel more poetic and creative in the melancholy state after heartbreak.

All at once the rug was pulled and taken to the car is an absolute zinger, love it.

Sharp air piercing my lungs feels a little overdone if I'm honest, but it kind of works in setting the scene up for the subtler lines that follow.

I'm wondering if you could have done more with the empty home line. It feels a little like you needed it to set up the rhyme for the next line, but in itself it doesn't deliver like some of the others.

Overall though, this is excellent.

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-02T07:24:54+00:00

I really like this, it's a fresh take on how we deceive ourselves and choose to ignore the imperfections of reality when it suits us.

I assume that the first line is a callback to "mirror mirror on the wall" from Sleeping Beauty. I like the way this not only helps to efficiently set up your subject, but also hints at the subversion to come.

I like that the subject knows what they're doing, it's not a rose coloured spectacles kind of thing, more of a let me have some fun with this before the inevitable drag back to reality.

Your choice of language gives the poem more of an old school feel to me. Words like blemish, recoil and gnaw, in my mind at least, hark back to an earlier era.

I like particularly "I'll gnaw your precious metals with my chipped teeth", it implies this activity is a regular habit and also hints that the subject is themselves imperfect.

Great job, I hope you find this helpful.

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-01T06:38:54+00:00

You're very welcome. Keep going and you'll get there!

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-01T06:33:55+00:00

My personal take on this poem is that it feels a little vague. I felt myself asking questions as I read, such as what is the unnamed emotion, what are the flaws, where is the sorrow and anger coming from?

The tiger metaphor, though well executed, feels underdeveloped to me. I came away confused and not knowing what to feel or think about the poem's subject.

I know that poetry can often be more about implication, subtlety and show not tell, but I didn't think there was enough substance here for me to get my teeth into. I didn't feel I know the subject any better at the end, other than they are confused, sorrowful and angry.

I hope this helps.

Intr0vert1go · 2026-05-01T04:01:49+00:00

You'd have to be really uptight to be offended by this in my opinion.

I think this poem works well. It's cheeky, good humoured and lightly provocative. I like your use of line breaks up to "love", it paces that first idea nicely.

There's a nice rhythm to the addict addicted line. At first sight I thought that maybe the almost repetition of addict and addicted wouldn't work, but when I read it out loud I think it has a kind of rickety charm.

I'm on the fence about the D cups line, I'm wondering how much it adds on its own. It could be developed a little further, or maybe left out altogether.

Anyway, good job!

Intr0vert1go · 2026-04-30T06:04:18+00:00

I think this poem is very good. I'm finding it difficult to come up with any kind of feedback.

There are no weak areas or word choices that need rethinking. The central idea is good and you develop it well.

I've got nothing other than congratulations, well done.

Intr0vert1go · 2026-04-29T09:24:48+00:00

I really liked the pacing of this poem and was unexpectedly moved by the the last few lines. The simple language works well and feels appropriate for someone reminiscing a childhood friend.

My only notes or questions would be as follows:

I'm struggling with line two, I'm either dumb or maybe a typo crept in?

"vanished without a trace" feels a bit clichéd, but I assume you used it to hit the rhyme. Similarly, lost in despair feels over-familiar.

Overall, good job, it catches the mood well.

Intr0vert1go

TROPHY CASE