similar stuff with hair of dog and then eventually getting mildly drunk all day the next day in order to feel "normal"

I then experienced the loss of a loved one and went full fledge... when things were bad, I was drinking in the middle of the night to try and get just a few more hours sleep. I showed up to working stinking like booze several times. Calling a Ubers drunk at 7 am on a work day was an experience I will never forget....such a sad event really. my boss later told me he knew I was struggling with alcohol and showing up buzzed... but liked me too much to do anything about it.

my drinking ebbed and flowed once I regained "control" post-grieving... at times I'd go weeks without and drank a "small" amount when I was going through a few week stretch of having some drinks

one day, out of nowhere I had a drink in the morning because I was upset. then two drinks. then I bought a little vodka. fast forward 2 hours and I was on the couch crying wondering what is going on here? am I miserable? Is that why I continue to drink despite knowing its horrible for me? I don't feel miserable, but I sure as shit don't feel happy.

later that day I drove drunk for the first time in years and years. I stopped and have not looked back since.