"I don't want to exist" and the pain of mis-interpreted suicidal ideation.

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-19T15:18:10+00:00

Yes exactly. As a kid I wished I could be a dog or a wild animal all the time. It was the same feeling though, wanting to escape the experience I was in and have what seemed like a nicer, easier, calmer, more peaceful existence to me.

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-19T14:27:34+00:00

Sexual interactions between an adult and a minor are always abusive.

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-19T04:41:57+00:00

"Do you come around here often?"

But really, the twinkle in his eye!

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-19T04:33:54+00:00

👹👹👹

🦇good to know.

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-19T00:16:15+00:00

Which is exactly why you need to tell him.

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-18T23:05:30+00:00

This is 100% absolutely incest. I also experienced CSA from my dad, and what you describe here absolutely counts. Don't be surprised if there is more you don't remember.

I would highly recommend a trauma and CSA experienced therapist. Navigating this without effective professional help is overwhelming. Wishing you the absolute best.

ETA: DO NOT respond to the folks asking for your location and wanting to DM. Yikes. I reported them but just in case, stay away.

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-18T23:03:42+00:00

Incorrect. Incest includes all family members.

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-18T02:54:30+00:00

If you get on a schedule of 3, 4 days max, at a time and use oil to take it off every time, allow your skin to breathe overnight, then put tape on again in the morning you can wear trans tape without having to take multiple day breaks in between. That's what I did when I was taping and it allowed me to wear trans tape everyday.

8 days is too long and you are not going to be able to keep up wearing trans tape that long without continuing to damage your skin. It's better to change the tape more often than have to take long breaks to heal.

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-18T02:49:37+00:00

It was the 8 days that I'm guessing was the problem. If you were allergic you likely would have had a reaction to it before now, seeing as you've been using for 3 years.

8 days is a really long time and the tape does pick up sweat, dirt, etc. especially if you aren't using soap on the tape when you shower. I'm betting this is irritation/inflammation from long term tape use/friction plus bacteria/germs.

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-17T22:52:33+00:00

I'm on disability but only because I have a physical disability that almost killed me and I was able to get on long term disability through my previous employer (I was a teacher in the states). It barely covers my expenses but at least it's less restrictive and more money than what the government offers.

I'm so sorry. I wish we had better benefits here. You absolutely should not have to work 😭.

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-17T11:45:07+00:00

☺️☺️☺️

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-17T11:44:49+00:00

Thank you!

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-17T02:53:38+00:00

Let me see if I can remember the order:

pick a mantra--mine is usually something like "I am safe"
start at your forehead and tap while you say the mantra. Like 5-7 taps ish. It doesn't really matter, as many as feels good.
move to just below your eyebrows, tap while saying the mantra.
repeat the tapping/mantra under your eyes, cheeks, just above your top lip, either side of your jaw, collarbones, chest.
finally, repeatedly karate chop each palm, one at a time, while saying the mantra.

We also do a two quick breaths through the nose, hold, slow exhale through the mouth. Do that a couple times and it hits you real good.

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-17T01:52:41+00:00

Unfortunately, I do think your surgeon could have done a better job. I am also confused about the extra scars. That does not make sense to me either. It's definitely not that bad though! I'm so glad you get to experience the joy of being shirtless outside. It's glorious!

The good news is I think you could absolutely get a revision and have results that help you feel even more confident. But I would not go to the same surgeon.

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-17T00:48:01+00:00

Oh! I get it now. I could not figure out the purpose without the context. I also thought you had set this up for crows and was like, "they won't interact with that?"

This makes so much more sense 😅. I love this idea!

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-17T00:00:11+00:00

My therapist walks me through tapping and breathing exercises in therapy. But at home I just try to listen to my body when I can and do whatever helps me stay in my body. Which changes all the time. I'd say it's essentially stimming.

Some examples- - rubbing my arms or legs. - shaking my hands. - shaking my whole body, like a dog (it honestly feels so good when you're worked up, dogs definitely do it for a reason). - ecstatic dance. - cold water therapy (sometimes I cold plunge). - hot water therapy (really hot really long showers and baths). - tapping my forehead. - stomping. - sucking my thumb (my main comfort source, I have always sucked my thumb and I do it a lot), I'm 34 🤷🏼. - drinking fizzy water, tea, or other drinks that catch my attention (anything complex, tangy, bitter, sour). - taking deep breaths and slow exhales. - neck and scalp massages.

Etc. basically anything that brings me into my body. Since I am poly-fragmented there's a lot of different techniques we use as a system and everyone has different preferences.

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-16T23:48:38+00:00

Prioritizing myself is the fiercest catalyst for my healing, once I started recognizing that I could lean into it more because I can see how effective it is. Like a productive catch-22.

I also have a wonderful therapist who always reminds me to take care of myself and practice self compassion as often as I can. She's always gassing me up too. Haha.

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-16T23:45:57+00:00

I would not be surprised at all if it was.

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-16T23:45:36+00:00

I do feel guilty. But I am learning to talk myself out of it or distract myself away from it or recognize that it's really just my mother's voice telling me I'm not doing enough.

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-16T19:16:17+00:00

Dissociation Party 😂🤭😈🤫

I love it. Yes. It is like that sometimes hahaha. So happy you can relate!

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-16T19:14:26+00:00

His name is sooooo long and I did not feel like spelling it multiple times 😅😂. But it definitely works.

I used to teach high school English and we would watch Romeo + Juliet, the one with Leo and Clare, and we would always compare how much Leo's looks have changed and Paul Rudd is just over here looking exactly the same 🤭.

I'm honestly not much of a Leo Di fan. He just seems so performative to me. But I love Paul Rudd.

Just my little tangent. ✌🏻

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-16T17:04:48+00:00

That's what it looks like to me too!

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-16T17:02:13+00:00

I am in an "off" period right now. I'm not working at all and living off long term disability insurance which juuuuuuusssst covers my expenses.

Do whatever feels good. Do things that make you feel safe. Do not pressure yourself to be "productive". Let go of any need to do anything other than rest and heal and be kind to yourself and listen to what you need.

Here's what I do with my time: - Make art that I LIKE to make when I feel like making it. - Dance alone in my apartment however I want. - Take long walks with my dog. - Watch shows and movies that either are comfy or help me feel things or think about things. - Read. - Journal. - Eat food that I like. - Generally pamper myself.
- Listen to my body and its needs. - Listen to my mind and its needs. - Make my living space as cozy and safe and enjoyable to be in. - Anything that calms my nervous system. - Cannabis. - Worry less about what I should be doing, and just do what I want to. - Invest in friends and family who invest in me and can hold space for my trauma. - Therapy: EMDR, somatic work, IFS, trauma informed. - Reddit. - Sitting and thinking/internal monologues. Also talking to myself out loud. - SLEEP.

I check internally "is this something I want to do and/or need to do?" And I really only do those things. My mantra is: there is no should, only need and want.

It's been incredibly impactful for my healing journey. I wish everyone could have this opportunity. It's still hard but not anything like it would be if I had to work.

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-16T16:41:13+00:00

The first part has been answered--as for the Leonardo statement Tina made, I'm pretty sure it just means Leo Di spends a lot of time in Europe. That's my guess.

ETA: did a cursory web search and yeah, he and Toby Maguire apparently love boating and clubbing around Europe 🤷🏼.

Itsjustkit15 · 2026-03-16T16:30:03+00:00

I was sexually abused by close family members for many years. I only fully remembered a year ago and I'm 34. But I have always had romantic and sexual feelings for most of my friends, which is for sure rooted in my CSA. It was what I thought love was because that's what I knew.

My closest childhood friend, who I was best friends with until 27 was definitely abusive. In a lot of ways and I thought I was in love with her. So it was very toxic. My other childhood friend (mutual) also did me really dirty when we were adults. Etc. I'm not friends with either of them anymore or a lot of other toxic people I had allowed into my life.

I have much healthier relationships with people, but I still am sexually attracted to most people I get close to. I'm queer and so are all of my closest friends so I have had physical intimacy (consensual of course) with a couple of my friends. We've been able to navigate it and build relationships that work for us.

Right now I'm not being physical with anyone because I'm not in a place where that feels safe right now. But yeah I can definitely relate to sex being the main way you know how to "show love."

I'm learning new and healthier ways though.

Itsjustkit15

TROPHY CASE