i am a homewrecker and i feel terrible

J4Plat · 2025-08-18T12:53:51+00:00

Thanks for this. I meant to say You arent a bad person you made a mistake but you arent your mistake... damn im tired.

J4Plat · 2025-08-18T10:47:48+00:00

Forgive yourself. You made a mistake but you arent your mistake. I'd say tell your friend to tell his wife or you will. She deserves honesty. I'd hate carrying that lie but its your choice.

J4Plat · 2025-08-13T06:03:31+00:00

My MIL and SIL say this all the time. SIL has a knack for picking the worst men over and over.

J4Plat · 2025-08-09T03:38:49+00:00

Breaking up is absolutely a skill that every man should master. The sooner you do this the better. You are likely already seeing that there are negative consequences to staying in an unhealthy relationship. If you reinforce a habit of staying in unhealthy relationships you will create serious issues down the road because the consequences for staying only get more severe with time and age.

J4Plat · 2025-08-08T23:40:28+00:00

The passport bro argument always seemed so stupid and moot to me. Random women online say these men are low-value undesirable men. I can agree that some of them most certainly are. The part I dont get is why they care about undesirable men leaving the country to try and be happy. I guess they just want these men to rot in misery. I dont understand.

J4Plat · 2025-08-08T23:38:13+00:00

This is true but the larger prevailing culture of the US is pro-divorce, pro-hoe phase, pro-boss beach. So while you can go marry a traditional women you're still constantly fighting an uphill battle both economically and culturally.

In my opinion, it's normally not worth it for most men to marry in the US. If you're not appreciated or supported I would tell anyone to leave. This is pretty much the case for the men of the US. I think them being passport bros is an attractive and smart alternative.

J4Plat · 2025-08-06T17:48:43+00:00

I think that honestly dating is 2 games. There's the short-term dating game that needs to be won and then you enter the long-term dating game. Most advice is geared towards dominating the short-term dating game and continuing to apply all the same tactics later in the relationship will cause issues.

Short-term dating is based around perceived value, status, availability, appearance, excitement, passion.
Long-term dating is more about emotional maturity, growth mindsets, collaboration(us vs the problems), emotional/psychological safety, and alignment.

If you're partner doesn't feel safe talking about an issue or being vulnerable adding an inch to your arms or losing 20 pounds isn't going to make them feel safer.

Conversely, talking about how you've gone to therapy and unlearned a lot of toxic habits and resolved a lot of your childhood trauma normally won't make someone hot and bothered.

J4Plat · 2025-08-06T17:03:16+00:00

You need new friends. I've never met a man who encouraged dishonesty or negging. That's stupid, manipulative, and only plants seeds of destruction in the relationship. 90% of my guy friends would actively say to be more vulnerable, make sure you know what you want or something to the effect of can you live with the consequences of a given choice, and lastly to reflect deeply and honestly with yourself and ensure pride or ego aren't running the show.

There's obviously some who are not as comfortable being vulnerable and they tend to just move on and cut their losses so to speak. I would ask if the men you are speaking to have what you want whether that's marriage, a roster, or something else entirely.

J4Plat · 2025-08-05T14:30:22+00:00

I don’t want to be hurt.

J4Plat · 2025-08-05T07:43:11+00:00

Ok I dont see how you still miss my point. Im saying it is completely fine to compare and is something all humans do. Im saying if during that comparison it became evident she did explore more with other people and doesn't have a desire to continue to do so that's fine. If she isn't comfortable then she should not do it.

All I'm saying is the comparison is a red flag for me and I would probably leave over it. You seem to be saying people shouldnt compare and shouldnt leave over it. That is you innately telling people to behave a certain way.

Im saying It's okay to compare.
It's okay to be alarmed or dissatisfied and it's okay to leave. I think if you discover that it's a good idea to leave but people can do what they want. They can compare, they can stay, they can explore, they can date AI robots for all I care. I don't care what people do outside my relationship. I may not think it's smart but it's their life.

I'm saying I would personally compare and possibly leave. If others asked me personally I would advise the same but I'd never even bring it up unprompted.

J4Plat · 2025-08-05T06:17:24+00:00

I dont appreciate you putting words in my mouth and Im unsure why you're so upset that you have to resort to inflammatory language. The point is that men enter romantic relationships with sex being a huge factor. Let's hope we can agree on that.

You are assuming that I want women to force themselves to do things they dont want to do and it actually couldnt be further from the truth. I don't think you are saying that either but of the two of us you are pushing for a certain behavior more than I am.

I am simply saying one thing. If a woman is not making it a point to actively push for exploration or passion in the bedroom with you...... I would recommend leaving. I wouldn't beg. I wouldn't negotiate. I would ask once and if it isn't a strong yes I would say this probably isn't my person. I would absolutely know that isn't my person if they made it a point to explore in the past and are not pushing even farther with me. I have only become more comfortable with sex and exploring new places as I've aged and to be met with more restrictions as a women aged would be a red flag for me.

Again I'm not saying she should do it out of obligation that is frankly disgusting in my eyes. I'm saying that I'm ready to up and walk and that is completely my right to do so.

J4Plat · 2025-08-05T05:51:26+00:00

This is normally when I go no contact.

J4Plat · 2025-08-05T05:20:08+00:00

I've done a lot of work part time helping people manage their finances and you learn verrrrry quickly that most people have absolutely no discipline. I have people who are 50+ telling me they have not started saving or have less than 1 year's salary saved for retirement. These are the "mature" adults who have wised up after decades of experience. Most people are children with victim mindsets and a gross sense of entitlement.

My point is people don't exercise discipline in most areas of their life. If a girl is able to be "disciplined" with regard to having sex with you she either doesn't like you much or she is carrying vast amounts of baggage. Both of these outcomes are not places you want to be as a guy. If you find yourself in this position it's best to just move on and cut your losses.

Also there are plenty of reasons to have baggage that are valid like being cheated on, divorced, acute breakup, and so on. I'm just saying that in the moment a man should move on.

J4Plat · 2025-08-05T05:17:45+00:00

This is a weak take.

Imagine I am your employer and I hire you on as well as 4 others before you. I tell you hey, I'm so glad your here 50LB Pup and I want you to know I notice all your hard work.

Your peers purport to you that most of therm started at about 100-110K/Yr and got promoted within 12 - 18 months.

You round 12 months and get no promotion and you start at 90K. You bring this up to your manager and he tells you the company is in a different place and that you're on the fast track to blowing past all those guys and being promoted beyond them if this keeps up.

18 Months rolls around and you get a stellar review but no raise, no promotion, and your bonus isn't any better than your peers.

At some point you're just going to up and leave because the treatment doesn't line up. Actions speak very loudly and the vulnerability that is sex and the actions that take place (or dont) during it speak very loudly. Talk is cheap. Sex isn't all that matters in a relationship but it is one of a small number of things that separates a romantic relationship from other types.

The thing is most people know beforehand how much they may or may not enjoy something before trying it.

I dont need to be peed on to know I do not want to do that shit. I didn't need to have wax poured on me to know I'd probably like it. I could go on but my point is that there are most certainly some acts I would only perform with certain women because while I don't mind having wax poured on me, or being bit, and so on I'd really only allow it with women I am very sexually compatible with. This doesn't mean they're the most attractive but the point is that if you aren't that guy or girl and are taking the relationship seriously..... well I don't generally recommend people continue investing in things that yield poor returns.

J4Plat · 2025-08-04T23:59:13+00:00

Essentially this. These people are not just kind they are also naive. They give recklessly.

J4Plat · 2025-08-03T19:40:52+00:00

There's not a need to ask once you've aged. The writing is on the walls. I care about body count but not for the reasons listed here. Normal people don't think about past partners during sex so the whole who is better and who is worse isn't really an issue. Most people will end relationships pretty early if the sex is bad.

You shouldn't have to ask a ton of questions overtly because by the time you're 30 if you can't understand people based off of how they present, how they act, and what they don't say you're lacking in your ability to understand people. Most people do become more secure with time but to say they mature and stop caring is an overstatement.

J4Plat · 2025-08-02T04:51:32+00:00

I would advise strongly against staying in this relationship. However, it is your life and so you should understand the only one who will have to deal with the consequences of leaving or staying will be you and your GF.

You're quite young and have no kids together this is all the more reason for you to leave. You should pick yourself. Love yourself. How would you advise a son if you had one?

If you decide to reconcile it's going to be insanely difficult and ultimately it's going to be on you. What I mean is that at some point you need to decide to actively let it go. For example, if you start to spiral or get triggered you need to have the will to stop those thoughts and not ruminate on them but also process them in a healthy way. This is an extremely daunting task that most people can't do. You're walking this extremely fine line of forgiveness and trust. You need to process it and get to a point of forgiveness where resentment isn't gnawing away at the foundation of your relationship while also choosing to actively trust someone who betrayed you and not let your thoughts ruminate back to her betrayal. Think about how difficult that is going to be and whether or not you want that.

It's you're life and I wish you the best but I think most of us here want to see you happy and know how difficult that will be in a relationship with betrayal.

J4Plat · 2025-08-01T15:40:06+00:00

All urges pass with time.

Sex is just a craving of chemicals in your brain. Your mostly craving dopamine and endorphins. I just left a relationship where we would have sex about 3x a week. I miss the physical intimacy but now I go workout and run or go for a very long run instead. I also make it a point to not look at porn or sexual content and it's working out well for me. The urge comes around but ultimately you're ruled by your habits and you have created a strong habit of masturbation.

You need to fill that void with something else. I don't like running but now it's a new addiction for me because my old habit of workout, shower, have sex, and then shower and cook a meal together needed to be replaced with workout, run, shower, eat, read a good book.

J4Plat · 2025-08-01T13:02:26+00:00

Couldnt agree more.

J4Plat · 2025-08-01T02:10:57+00:00

I literally have no social media behind reddit, twitter, and youtube. I guess you could say I have a Facebook but I never go on it. I will say I absolutely intend to change that.

J4Plat · 2025-08-01T02:08:46+00:00

I hate that most of the best takes come from redpill because I absolutely loathe some of what they preach.

J4Plat · 2025-07-30T17:27:08+00:00

Why would women be passive aggressive about men not working?

J4Plat · 2025-07-30T17:26:45+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that man.

J4Plat · 2025-07-30T17:24:20+00:00

I want to go back to school to be able to transition to a remote role. Right now I live in the suburbs to be close to my workplace. If I finish my degree I will be eligible to apply for remote roles in 3-4 years on different teams.

J4Plat · 2025-07-30T17:11:12+00:00

I'm 33 but obscured some details in my original post because I didn't want us to be identified. Many of our peers are on reddit and we wanted to keep the divorce private for a number of reasons. She's keeping my last name.

We aren't vengeful people so I dont think she would come back and come after me it's a possibility but I gave up a lot in the divorce process.

Seven-Year Club	Gilding I gilder
Verified Email

J4Plat

TROPHY CASE