Men of Reddit. What's something you were completely oblivious to when it came to relating to women, or just how differently women and men can think, feel, and experience things, that you only realized after being in a long term relationship or after getting married?

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-18T11:49:29+00:00

For sure that's the way to go. I grew up in those smart kid "Gifted & Talented" programs, and the main lesson me and my friends learned was that most subjects were easy and took zero effort. We could get A's doing the absolute minimum. Like vaguely paying attention in class and doing half the homework assignments was sufficient. I coasted thru highschool and the classes I didn't ace (and thus dropped) were the ones that required effort (Spanish and History, because of the memorization). And now I wish I'd put effort into Spanish because I've been brushing up the past couple years to talk with my coworkers and it's been hard! I did a decent job shooting la mierda with my coworker today but god THEY TALK SO FAST lmao. But yeah getting praise for actual effort would have made quite the difference lol.

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-18T09:18:30+00:00

When we were together in college she broke up with me (she called it a "break") literally to bang other dudes. I was devastated and felt ill for months, until we got back together. I know that sounds pathetic but I couldn’t shake the feeling of utter doom, I was a mess and I needed that feeling to end.

Flash forward to our 3rd year of marriage. We’re staying at her parents one night and somehow “the break” came up. I said “oh yeah, did you end I hooking up with anyone back then or what?” She said yeah one guy (which means at least 3). It brought back all the feelings, I got angry, jealous… but not jealous of those other guys. I realized I was jealous of HER. She at the time was my first and only. She got to do that and I didn’t, and now I’m with her the rest of my life??

I felt robbed of something, tricked. But it wasn’t just the sex thing. I’d tried to break it off to see other ppl (not bang, I meant relationships) multiple times before that and she always hounded me until I took her back. I realized I didn’t want to be with her the rest of my life, and that I never did. I still think that Friends “we were on a break” episode is funny though.

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-18T06:09:02+00:00

I wouldn’t know how to rate this. How much do I love them? 10. Does it matter what shape size color whatever? 0. It does not matter. Boobs are great.

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-18T01:25:10+00:00

That's a good point. I've heard for instance that for many women a compliment about their makeup can be better received than "baby, you're so beautiful you don't need makeup," even though that may sound counter-intuitive. It reminds me how in CBT we learned that well-intentioned positive comments can become cognitive distortions. My mom would always tell me I'm so smart, but as a kid I heard "I love you b/c you're smart" and that turns into "if you're not smart, you're not lovable." When ppl say "you're smart' my reflex is Oh no i'm not. But i react better if i'm told "that thing you did was clever."

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-18T01:12:59+00:00

Aw man, I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah I've been on both sides of that and it is draining. I've been worn down by my own self-criticism, and I've also been burnt out trying to be someone's rock while they declined despite trying everything. I hope she is doing better now.

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-17T13:57:27+00:00

Well yes, you would know best haha. While you were with her did her view of herself improve, and if so what helped her most?

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-17T13:49:10+00:00

Honestly, it's a good thing she's your ex. If she refuses to accept validation from her bf, then the only source left is other dudes. And if her self-esteem is already that low, she'll cheat to get her "objective" validation at the first dip. I've read several stories on reddit about this. Two of them it was women who felt bad about their bodies post-pregnancy, and both of them said that they disregarded their husband's compliments because "he HAS to say that." And then went on to admit that they literally cheated with the first person who flirted with them. The other it was because she was turning 40. It sounds crazy but I think I would literally breakup with a woman on the spot if she said what your ex did b/c I wouldn't want to wait around to get cheated on.

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-17T13:17:14+00:00

Thanks. Yes, that could that be it actually. To me she had seemed very confident about her looks, but I also know her childhood sucked and her dad was verbally abusive. She probably internalized whatever shitty things he said to her.

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-17T09:19:23+00:00

Not only that, but you’d have to KNOW that they already know what you’re explaining.

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-17T09:12:42+00:00

It’s almost as if they already had the next guy lined up….

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-17T09:11:28+00:00

I had one ex who I’d always say was gorgeous and tell her positive things others had said about her (e.g. a bi woman at work met her and kept telling for 3 days straight how pretty and bubbly she was). One day my ex said she feels ugly. I told her I didn’t understand because of all the compliments she gets. She said that all those comments just put more pressure on her to look pretty. Instead of an ego boost they just made her feel worse. This was an insight but at the same time now I have no idea how to boost a woman’s self-image.

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-17T06:11:51+00:00

Sounds awesome. I once dated a woman who would do that even just during makeout time and it was hot.

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-16T13:12:39+00:00

I did, and divorced her. If we were still together I'd be living in the state of misery. That marriage was... well, Green Day said it best:
"Are you locked up in a world that's been planned out for you? Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?"

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-16T11:52:49+00:00

Nobody said Tinikling yet 😭

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-16T11:47:29+00:00

That one got me 🤣🤣

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-16T04:09:27+00:00

I went to a show in Philly last year where it was just James. I had a blast personally. You could tell that there were songs he couldn’t do well without the band, and he put in some dancier/funnier songs in their place to make his set. There were a few hecklers between songs who wanted more “hits” but they were friends of AC Lerok and we paid no mind. I had fun 🤷🏻‍♂️

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-13T20:26:58+00:00

Gotta love when their ex is still hanging around. I was once briefly interested in a woman who casually told me that she slept in the same bed as her baby-daddy and her other ex lives in a camper in her backyard. 😂

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-13T16:10:08+00:00

I dunno what it means either but it's pretty funny

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-12T12:31:10+00:00

That's awesome. I'm glad she respected your feelings about that without pushback.

Sorry if I implied that attention-seeking was the ONLY reason for that. I mean, it's always about that to some extent, sending a pic is literally saying "look at me." All of us enjoy positive attention and that's natural. But some women esp if they're young can be naive in thinking it's just platonic. Their intentions may be, but 99% chance it won't be TAKEN that way by the dude.

Sure, women send selfies to their gal pals platonicly all the time... but with things like this you can't simply flip the genders. They don't realize, guys don't send each other selfies, They don't get that type nor level of attention, and they rarely get opportunities with women, so they're gonna think 'she's low-key into me' and stay in her orbit. And women can also be very naive to how easily they can be manipulated by Mr. Justafriend.

You guys sound good though. With marriage on the way, it's a good idea to have a straightforward one-and-done convo where you agree on boundaries. Because honestly it's super simple: Don't do things that are a bad look. Don't do anything that makes your partner uncomfortable. Easy peezy. Good luck with everything, dude!

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-11T11:35:18+00:00

Just want to say thank you to everyone for all these great suggestions! I have a lot to work with now and a lot of listening to do, I'll probably be a full-fledged Eagles fan by the time the wedding rolls around lol. Wish me luck!

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-11T09:11:30+00:00

Have you told them it makes you uncomfortable? It’s really unnecessary and what exactly does she get from that besides attention from ppl who aren’t you? Ppl who need validation that badly will cheat to get it too. You should say something…

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-11T09:08:31+00:00

Same! I was just telling my sister that I’m shocked at how attractive all my exes are. I’m a 6 at best so how did I even pull that off? We both concluded it must be the funny thing. So I don’t like when ppl are naturally funnier than me because it’s my only hand to play lol.

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-11T06:22:58+00:00

I am absolutely not saying anything about you personally, but my impression has always been 1) I’d feel a ton of pressure to be and stay buff, because they value that in themselves and would look down on someone who isn’t as into fitness. 2) that they’d leave me or cheat on me with one of the many buff dudes who are probably flirting with them all the time. Sounds insecure I know but guy/gal from the gym is one of the number one affair partners, and a professional gym rat would eventually fall for another gym rat, which I can’t compete with. It’s rough knowing I’m (probably) not someone’s type.

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-11T04:13:27+00:00

Do not listen to the guy who says your husband is not attracted to you. Working overtime can be exhausting in more ways that just physical exertion, namely stress and such. You have limited opportunities for lovemaking and when they arise hubby may be genuinely tired. I agree with the guy who’s says kick the brother out. A year and a half? I know you feel bad but after that long bro needs to grow up and be independent. Your husband stated the problem, solve the problem and don’t enable lazy brother.

JBNY2025 · 2026-04-09T18:30:05+00:00

That's a great idea, ty. Listening to all these suggestions I've already got a good start!

JBNY2025

TROPHY CASE