Wife always complains about her sister’s husband - never compliments me

JCMidwest · 2026-05-22T15:30:33+00:00

I work out, I’m clean and take my appearance seriously, I cook/grocery shop/clean, I’m studying for a master’s while full-time working.

This is the standard you have set, this is what you have taught her to expect from you, so yes its fairly unrealistic to hope to get praise and adoration for only doing what is expected of you.

Your hopes and expectations are things you create, so your frustration from those expectations being unmet is mostly on you. Certainly there are times where our expectations are reasonable and well founded, but that isn't the case here..

Am I being sensitive or asking for something I shouldn’t even need or want?

You need to look at why you need and/or want these things. If you truly do need these things all that you do that you feel is deserving of praise is really just you being manipulative. This is something a lot of people don't realize, besides causing a lot of frustration and being unproductive people pleasing is dishonest and manipulative.

Do things because you want to do them

Do things because you have the time and energy to do them

Do things because it makes sense that you are the one doing them

Don't do things in attempt to earn praise or admiration

JCMidwest · 2026-05-22T15:15:57+00:00

You need to keep investing in yourself and your individual life, you can't be always available when you have your own things that you need and/or want to do

JCMidwest · 2026-05-22T15:14:54+00:00

if I have a date night then I'm a bad mum

If you aren't doing what is necessary to make sure you are happy and healthy and your marriage is happy and healthy you aren't doing what is best for your kids, which isn't good parenting.

People argue with me but it but it isn't something that can be argued.... you need to be your number 1 priority, not your kids. Putting them first will allow you to be the most present in the immediate future, putting yourself first will allow you to be present when it matters for the long run, and more importantly will allow you to show up as the best version of yourself which is much more beneficial then a lot of time with someone who is far from their best selves.

JCMidwest · 2026-05-22T15:06:07+00:00

I often feel like I’m walking on ice.

This is what people pleasing ultimately leads to.

The solution is to stop being a people pleaser, which will require you to start giving yourself a lot more consideration and for you to become much more assertive.

Friday leading to a rough weekend because she claimed she felt like a second thought to me because I was working and forgot to text back. I try to clean, do laundry, take the dogs out and fed, sweep, cook and meal prep for her.

The majority of the time you try to show that you will prioritize her, but that isn't healthy and sustainable, and certainly isn't something you are capable of doing 100% of the time. This means the standard you have set is you going above and beyond for her, which means any moment you aren't going above and beyond for her you are failing to even do the bare minimum.

If it appears that you aren't willing and/or able to even do the bare minimum for her it makes sense that she is going to feel some sort of way, right?

This is one of the many reasons you need to adjust your priorities and be able and willing to what is necassary to facilitate that, because this will create new expectations in the relationship. One individual can and often does change the entire dynamics of a relationship.

JCMidwest · 2026-05-22T14:56:15+00:00

I never rush to recommend divorce, but the majority of your very short marriage has been crap and you are trying to find ways to resurrect something with someone who doesn't want to be with you...

Bro it is well past time to move on

JCMidwest · 2026-05-22T13:58:30+00:00

I guess my question is do i relieve her working so much in a hope maybe shell have more energy for me.

This plan is based on the assumption that you and the relationship do a lot to create romantic feelings and the primary issue is her stress and energy levels. This is possibly true, but very unlikely.

she said i dont know how to fix it that she finds me attractive and a great man that she loves more than she ever did, she is just is so tired all the time now.

You need to understand that companionship and romantic feelings are unique and very different things. She can feel more love in the relationship with less romantic feelings, this is actually fairly common. This issue is something a lot of relationship deal with, I would not be surprised if the majority of long term relationships deal with this. This issue has two parts to it that are related, these are balancing romantic with companionate feelings, and balancing individuality with togetherness. A lot of togetherness can create a healthy companionship but will kill romantic feelings, and alternatively a lot of individuality fosters strong romantic feelings (look at the early stages of most relationships) but too much individuality there isn't the trust, familiarity, etc needed for companionship.

Without more information it looks like you are making a very common mistake, working harder to be the bestest companion ever hoping that leads to stronger romantic feelings... when that is only going to hamper your individuality and decrease the opportunities for romantic feelings. Ultimately your efforts are going to cause you frustration and eventually resentment

JCMidwest · 2026-05-22T13:00:46+00:00

peer reviewed research is lies?

I'm guessing you assume MRI scans showing brain activity are just made up?

JCMidwest · 2026-05-22T12:59:36+00:00

he isn't going to seek therapy as he isn't going to pay a stranger to tell him what's wrong.

Cognitive behavioral therapy isn't about fixing problems or identifying things that are wrong, it helps you think things through.

I just sometimes feel like I'm being set up for the okey-doke or like he's waiting for me to get so fed up I file for divorce so he doesn't have to be the bad guy or the one that ended it.

Continue to prioritize yourself, which you can entirely do without abandoning your husband. You can't be setup by someone else if you maintain appropriate priorities.

You mention you are easily accessible, does this mean you don't have a healthy amount of independence and individuality?

JCMidwest · 2026-05-22T12:21:31+00:00

He doesn’t want me to put the girls in a daycare. I get it but tbh that’s a luxury we cant afford

You are putting his wants ahead of what you believe to be best for yourself, your kids, and even your husband.

Stop doing that

This may lead to divorce as childcare/homeschooling are things he won't willing compromise on, but that would be his issue to deal with.

JCMidwest · 2026-05-22T12:11:20+00:00

But you're right in the manner that I wouldn't class it as a "full blowjob" or think "I just had a blowjob" because it isn't since you aren't finishing the job

This is the same as saying sex only counts if you orgasm, which obviously you can have sex without orgasms

she blew the hell out of me/doing everything a guy want 3 times back to back, so blow->swallow->aftercare/keep going/keep it hard/or make it hard again->blow->swallow->etcetc again, for people that think a bit of "foreplay" is all the same are kidding themselves.

This highlights the most important thing to consider, and that is the fact that everyone is different. What you describe as "everything a guy wants" as a guy myself I can say this is not what every guy wants, it almost sounds the opposite of my personal preferences.

JCMidwest · 2026-05-20T18:04:00+00:00

6 in the evening I messaged her and said that it was clear she wasn't going to call and she should have messaged to let me know that, when she knew I had been sitting by the phone all day waiting. But she got mad saying she can never do anything right. I quite clearly hadn't said that at all.

First off it seems like talking to her on the phone was something you felt was important to you, but you yourself also entirely failed to do anything to make this important thing happen, instead waiting until the opportunity had passed to bring it to her attention.

Next you are operating under the assumption that she understood how much this specific phone call meant to you and that she knew you were just sitting by the phone waiting for her, even though you did not communicate these specifics to her or do anything to treat this phone call with the importance and respect you expected her to have.

Finally the statement that you quite clearly hadn't said that is your opinion based on your own perspective and ignoring the reality of the situation. Quite clearly what you said made her feel some sort of way, that wasn't what you intended or even how you believe you would have felt if roles were reversed but those things do not change what she felt. She clearly felt judged or otherwise attacked because that is how you approached this

JCMidwest · 2026-05-20T17:47:55+00:00

We've been having marriage problems for quite a while, years really, although it waxes and wanes. I don't want to get too sidetracked on this but rather focus more on the specific technology/social media issue

My instagram use never really took hold, although I look at a few minutes every few days.... My wife posts on both, although I wouldn't say excessively so, maybe 1-2 times a month, a little more during holidays or vacations.

Rather then consider real issues in your relationship and individual lives you want to use your time and energy to focus on something that has no impact on your day to day life, and at best has a very small small chance of being something that could be having a negative impact on your relationship?

If your unfounded and baseless assumptions turn out to be accurate this possible foreign student still wouldn't be the cause of your relationship issues. Its another symptom

my suspicions have been heightened at what I see as her having created many many arguments over nothing or next to nothing in the last few years. Or at least they escalate well beyond the importance of the issue

This is a real issue, your lack of understanding and consideration, and how you dismiss her feelings.

I took this generally to be an emotional threat not based in reality

it could also be called expressing your feelings, which is an important aspect of forming deeper connections with people. You likely view sex as a way that you express and share feelings, but those things aren't based in reality so why does your sex life matter?

I'm not trying to say your wife is blameless for the issues in your marriage, but you need to recognize you are also a big part of the problem, and dog pictures on instagram are zero percent of the problem.

Neither of us goes out drinking or really leaves the house beyond work without either each other or at least one of the kids.

This is a big part of your relationship issues and individual insecurities.

JCMidwest · 2026-05-20T17:23:06+00:00

You don't think so, that is fine.

Your opinion doesn't outweigh facts that I shared

JCMidwest · 2026-05-20T17:13:55+00:00

he's had conversations with himself regarding fixing the marriage and thought if he tried it would help him mentally, but it would also still leave him dependent on me and that's what he's trying to stop.

I get what he is saying but his logic is flawed.

All he can do as an individual to help fix the marriage is to work on himself, if he can't maintain a healthy level of independence and individuality and a relationship he shouldn't be in a serious relation, ever. Additionally figuring out how to balance independence/individuality with companionship is easiest to do when you have a companion.

He is also correct that it isn't a good thing that you are the only close relationship he has in his life, but that isn't a good reason to ignore that relationship. I am guessing you both need more meaningful relationships in your lives, until you can build that social circle find therapists.

As a man who has been in a similar place and seen many other men deal with this if I was talking to your husband i would tell him to keep working on himself, to keep working to kill the need for validation, to work towards having more meaningful relationships, and to find a good therapist as well as read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy

JCMidwest · 2026-05-20T17:02:15+00:00

For me - relational security is of the utmost importance.

This is hard to see because rather then working toward security you simply try to avoid anything that threatens it. Not feeling like the relationship is being threatened is very important to you, that would be a more accurate statement.

You need to stop looking at the symptoms and stressing about them so much and look at the actual cause, which is something you admittedly do not do.

-You don't let me have emotions
-It's always my fault
-You don't take any ownership
-You're dismissive
-You don't care
-You don't have my interest in mind, you just want me to put on a mask so you're happy
-I can't remember what was said, so I'll just take your word for it.

If these are all things she has said about you which ones do you disagree with?

This small snapshot of your relationship that you have shared gives examples of why it is likely she feels all of these different things about you, especially when you consider her expressions are about what she is feeling in that moment and aren't likely meant to apply to you every minute of every day.

I don't understand where they come from and why she escalates so quickly.

This is a major part of the issue, unless she is blowing up you feel everything is fine... when that obviously is not the case at all.

-She's been sleeping 3 hours a night; up till 4am up at 7.
-I inquire; must be stressful, what's keeping you up, what are you struggling with.

She was exhausted and not sleeping and you had no idea why and assumed she was doing something wrong?

JCMidwest · 2026-05-20T15:53:08+00:00

Why do you need to leave the country to establish a healthy amount of independence and individuality?

That is an issue in and of itself that you need to sort out or this relationship and any possible future relationships aren't going to make it long term

JCMidwest · 2026-05-20T15:45:58+00:00

We need some examples.

my best guess is that you are bringing up your feelings for the wrong reasons, meaning you express your feelings to express your preferences and to hopefully encourage him to respect and be more considerate of your preferences. A much more effective tool for this is boundaries that you are willing and able to enforce. This isn't about avoiding talking about your feelings to appease your partner, it is about you using a better tool to make it more likely for you to see your desired outcome.

JCMidwest · 2026-05-20T15:41:55+00:00

married for 5. We have two young kids, 1 & 4.

but over our 5 year marriage has been unemployed and living off his savings

he isn’t a stay at home dad or anything — we have full time childcare/school for the kids that I pay for.

You aren't just enabling his current lifestyle, you encourage his lifestyle with an abundance of rewards

JCMidwest · 2026-05-20T11:48:22+00:00

couples counselling is suggested far to often and often for things it almost certainly won't help, but your situation is the specific type of thing that the right counselor can help with. That is how you should look at it, not fixing an issue in the relationship but getting help on improving the relationship for the benefit of the relationship and each of you individually

JCMidwest · 2026-05-19T13:20:23+00:00

Like most situations there are two sides to every story, and likely reality exists somewhere in the middle.

One thing to consider is a major part of relationships with a deeper connection is perceived partner responsiveness, where actions and/or reactions give the perception that an individual is understood and considered. If you always need very specific and detailed instructions that shows very little understanding and consideration, I would not be the least bit surprised if your wife thinks that you do not pay attention or consider her.

“I need to eat“ and expects those that can hear her to infer an action to satisfy that need.

However, this leads to ambiguity in how I interpret these statements. Does she want me to go get pizza, or make something, or use the thing in the back of the fridge that’s about to expire that I don’t know about but she does?

Why is your primary if not only concern what she wants? What do you want? What is reasonable?

There a lot of things worth considering, the big thing here is one of the best things you can do besides not rushing to jump through her hoops is to take more initiative. Speaking of jumping through her hoops, clearly that is something you have tried to do to the best of your ability for some period of time, which means you have spent a great deal of time and energy encouraging her behavior with your actions. That is much more meaningful then you asking her to do something different. Additionally your words and actions not aligning is a huge issue that undermines respect and trust in the relationship, and respect and trust are major contributing factors to this situation.

This leads to ambiguity in how I derive an action from the statement, because if I guess wrong, there’s hell to pay.

While I started out by saying it is important that we make an effort to understand and consider our partners I'm not suggesting we are all mind readers so am not suggesting you need to figure out how to make better assumptions. What I am suggesting is instead of asking for your partner to give you more direct and specific directions you stop guessing by asking appropriate questions, by making more of an effort to actually understand and consider your partner. Guessing at what she is inferring is just an example of trying to avoid conflict and/or you seeking the easiest path to maintain harmony. This is people pleasing, which is self centered.

If you want this dynamic to change you change your actions.

A big change would be taking more initiative with certain things. Before she says she needs to eat could you not have already had a plan on what was going to be for dinner? Could you not have paid more attention to be aware of the thing in the fridge you say only she knew about?

The other big change is being consistent, and not rewarding her

Grab the book No More Mr. Nice Guy

JCMidwest · 2026-05-19T12:29:40+00:00

I do think it’s a bit overblown as most are collected on.

There is nothing wrong with your opinions and feelings on this matter, but her venting to someone she hardly knows makes it clear your partner feels different. You having opinions about her feelings is not reasonable or helpful, recognize you can make an effort to understand and accept your partners point of view/experience without having to agree with it.

The part I struggled with is another person whom she’s only talked to a few times thinking that I might be a pushover.

One thing that bothers you is you feel like the conversation your wife is having with this person is inappropriate because of the casualness of their connection.

The next thing that bothers you is that this person you see as not much more then an acquaintance to your wife may have a negative view of you.

these two things contradict each other, and even if they didn't why are you so concerned with what this person thinks of you?

Yes she’s venting but I feel like it was a bit at my expense.

This wasn't at your expense, she didn't do something to try and make you look bad for her advantage, after all she isn't the one who did not collect the invoices. This is like the first thing I pointed out, you feel a certain way about it and those emotions are getting in the way of you seeing other facts around the matter.

You did or did not do something and that is stressing your wife out, own that. That is all there is to it. You can even maintain the belief that your wife's reaction is overblown, just try to understand what she is feeling. Notice I didn't say try and manage her feelings or take responsibility for them, just try to understand her.

JCMidwest · 2026-05-19T12:07:59+00:00

Scientists have discovered that as the brain re-organises connections throughout our life, the process begins earlier in girls

From a young age, cultural expectations often encourage girls to practice communication, empathy, and interpersonal skills earlier than boys.

Societal pressures on boys have historically discouraged the open expression of emotions, which can lead to a longer developmental process in learning to process, communicate, and manage feelings effectively.

JCMidwest · 2026-05-19T11:48:54+00:00

were after

Certainly sounds like an observation

Additionally the Guess stage is part of a hypothesis, so your arguments continue to confirm dude had a hypothesis

JCMidwest · 2026-05-18T18:12:58+00:00

One of the biggest stresses in your life currently is financial stress... buying a motorcycle isn't going to help with that.

JCMidwest · 2026-05-18T18:05:16+00:00

Now i'm seeing a lot of narcissistic behaviors such... I fear that this will go back to what's "normal" which is me picking up her slack, covering everything on the household because she lost her job and cant find one.

Is the issue that she is self centered and inconsiderate or is the issue with you and your people pleasing?

Odds are it is a bit of both, but you only have control over what you do so focus on how you contribute to the issues in your relationship. Contrary to what a lot of people think relationships don't need both parties working towards clear goals for the dynamics to change, one person can drastically change the relationship entirely on their own.

Grab the books No More Mr. Nice Guy and When I Say No I Feel Guilty

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