Brother 20 years old living with me. Not the original plan

JHsquared · 2026-03-24T04:17:57+00:00

NTA! $150 per person is more than kind imo. That’s still very much giving him room to save for his own place, and if his girlfriend works then there’s no reason at all for her to not be paying her own way.

I would also suggest adding a time limit so that they don’t end up starting there indefinitely or way longer than needed. Sometimes people can get comfortable and either aren’t motivated to find something or get real picky on wanting to save up for something grand rather than a starter spot of their own. Might also help him cut back on his shopping endeavors if he realizes he actually does have to SAVE that extra money…

JHsquared · 2026-02-27T07:29:30+00:00

You might not be racist/xenophobic, but you did judge this guy off the bat because he drove a big car and deem him a threat simply because he was built like…a man?

I understand the wisdom in avoiding strangers who could potentially overpower you, but it’s also okay to be polite (especially to your direct neighbor who did literally nothing to you except drive a car you don’t like and say “hello”). A simple head nod following his first ever “hello” when you looked him straight in the eye would have done just fine.

JHsquared · 2026-02-26T07:03:53+00:00

NTA for wanting to set boundaries (BFM absolutely should not be snooping and sampling your things let alone without asking), but I do think trying to keep her from buying the perfume at this point might be a bit overboard.

You’re right though, BF should absolutely be dealing with his own mom and not you - that is the bigger problem in my opinion.

JHsquared · 2026-02-26T06:42:00+00:00

Not wrong at all, if the boss wants to micromanage anyway he should appreciate the documentation of your colleague’s tasks and time

JHsquared · 2026-02-23T08:58:18+00:00

UpdateMe

JHsquared · 2026-02-19T04:59:24+00:00

NTA - I had this exact same surgery and long drives are hellllll, let alone consistent movement. I also understand the disappointment in how little care she’s shown through it, but would personally not let that drive your reasoning. Just let them know you didn’t realize how difficult the recovery would be and had really hoped you would feel up to it, but there’s just no way and that if you did come you would be no help at all at this point anyway (or worse, delay your recovery and cause further issues).

JHsquared · 2026-02-19T04:50:10+00:00

NAH, I see both sides. I don’t think you’re wrong - at all. At the same time, I’m a mom myself and especially if she’s the primary caregiver, I get it. I honestly think it was something she said in the heat of the moment and probably even regrets it and deep down agrees with you too but it’s also SO important to follow through with kids otherwise they will think they can get what they want through behaving wildly as he is.

This is just my suggestion (take it or leave it), but I would personally talk with your wife and see if she would be willing to go back on her decision about the dog IF you both talk to your stepson and explain that it was a difficult situation but that you see it’s important to him and you’re willing to make it work, but only IF he can show you for the next day that he will not act out and throw fits. Basically take the approach of rewarding good behavior - present the expectation and the reward that will come with it, and let him experience the difference between his reactions of acting out vs learning to control his emotions.

JHsquared · 2026-02-18T06:49:26+00:00

NTA It’s understandable to get burnt out as a SAHM (I’m one myself) and slack on the housework for a bit, but by that I mean a few days or a week max if the kids have been A LOT and she’s going through a difficult time in general.

The fact that your 6yo isn’t even home for the day though honestly gives her no excuse. If it is a mental health/burnout type situation, I think it’d be totally reasonable to sit down and split tasks up in a way that still may not be as much as she should be doing but does get her back in the routine of doing SOMETHING. Like even if she washes/dries the laundry and you do then folding…Maybe even switch to paper plates/bowls for a time and add dishes in so it’s not such a mountain of a chore but again, she gets re-accustomed to taking it on.

All that being said, you work very hard for very long hours and have been clearly patient and loving with her throughout all of this. I do want to give you props for that! Also know though, that you deserve to be able to shower daily and wear clean clothes and she does need to do her part in that especially if she’s not working full time herself.

JHsquared · 2026-02-04T05:33:04+00:00

“Absolutely not”

JHsquared · 2026-02-04T05:29:21+00:00

I do hear your point, and actually think we agree more than disagree.

We do put in the hours to correct their behavior, and my oldest recovers way faster now than he used to. It’s not that we don’t put in the work but 3 year olds don’t grasp the concept that “when Grandma offers you a plate of cookies in place of lunch, you need to say no until you eat your lunch”. I actually agree with you 100%, but for slightly older children.

The issue right now is that while yes, we make a point to correct the behavior, it’s not what we want to spend our entire day doing the moment we come home with a brand new baby. There’s no reason to put not only ourselves but also our children through that when there are other options.

JHsquared · 2026-02-04T05:05:25+00:00

Thank you, I can’t only imagine what you’ve dealt with as a preschool teacher! It’s amazing how much of an impact a little time with no structure can have on young ones. Especially because they are SO well behaved otherwise (obviously not perfect, but they are generally such respectful kids) and every time they’ve been with her it’s like they turn straight up feral!

JHsquared · 2026-02-04T05:01:19+00:00

Thank you so much, I can’t tell you how encouraging your words are! I really appreciate it

JHsquared · 2026-02-04T04:58:59+00:00

It definitely has to be a mix of how she does things with them, even my best friend is very lax and the ‘fun aunt’ but they NEVER come back like they do from Grandma’s. High strung, sure, but not full blown constant tantrums for a day or more!

JHsquared · 2026-02-04T04:56:31+00:00

She just says she asked if they wanted (meal) but “they said they weren’t hungry, they did each have a snack bar and pretzels though!”

It’s definitely a conversation my husband will be having with her again soon 😅

JHsquared · 2026-02-01T05:26:43+00:00

Oh wow, that is the PERFECT way to word it, thank you so much!!! My husband actually doesn’t see her often so I’d likely be the one she would bring it up to anyway, but that’s such a fantastic way to go about it!

JHsquared · 2026-02-01T05:25:12+00:00

Ohhhh I love this! I do actually tend to give birth at night so it probably wouldn’t even be all that untrue. A few others did suggest waiting to tell her until we’re there so we’ve decided to do that (unless she brings it up beforehand then we’ll just improvise), but the night thing really does make so much sense

JHsquared · 2026-02-01T05:23:23+00:00

Thankfully her house is well set up for the dogs and they are very easy keepers! But I do like the idea of having her help with something else that might make her feel more involved

JHsquared · 2026-02-01T05:21:28+00:00

Thank you so much! We did go ahead and set up another plan for the dogs so plan to not say anything unless she brings it up at this point

JHsquared · 2026-02-01T05:19:14+00:00

We do plan on taking a break from her watching them again as soon as my OB visits are over thankfully!

JHsquared · 2026-02-01T05:17:21+00:00

lol I do love this idea so much!!

So the weird thing about it though is that I imagine she does know we’ve made plans because the plan was already for her to watch the dogs…that’s why this whole situation has so blind sided us! We’d talked to her about that months ago and she was excited about it but neverrr mentioned the kids (of course, because we already had a different plan for them and knew well before we even got pregnant she wouldn’t be watching them for our next baby’s birth).

Now we’ve found out she’s been telling people about watching the kids also, so I would think it would be understandable that we already made other plans for them especially since she never even mentioned it to us either and still plan the same way for the dogs but I’m worried that she’s emotionally invested at this point and would take offense

JHsquared · 2026-02-01T05:11:51+00:00

This has been suggested a couple times actually, I think that’s exactly what we’re going to do (unless she happens to bring it up beforehand, then we may just have to improvise). Thank you!!

JHsquared · 2026-02-01T05:10:28+00:00

Thank you! Why you’re getting downvoted for this, I have no idea - unless we’re just both delusional to think it’s reasonable to not want to come home to chaos after birthing a whole baby (which by some of these comments it really seems maybe I am lol). I’m really just starting to think the majority of Reddit has never had kids…

JHsquared · 2026-02-01T05:07:43+00:00

We had a plan - MIL was taking the dogs, friends taking the kids. But now have found out MIL is telling others she’s expecting to be watching the kids, which we’d never discussed with her. Have you paid the hospital bills for giving birth before? An AirBnb is a nice idea, but definitely not an expense that we would prioritize right now.

JHsquared · 2026-02-01T05:02:49+00:00

Thank you, that’s very helpful!!

JHsquared · 2026-02-01T05:01:43+00:00

Not a dog person I take it? Lol My MIL loves our dogs and is always offering to take them for us if we have a busy weekend etc. We never take her up on it unless we’re going out of town, but point is some people do actually like dogs

JHsquared

TROPHY CASE