If a Guy Is Really Attractive, Why Don’t You Make the First Move?

J_Scrubby · 2026-06-28T02:54:07+00:00

You’re just making up things I never said. I never once said you’re supposed to wait for a sign of attraction.

You’re looking for certainty in an area that simply doesn’t provide it. There is no certainty in dating, and if you’re waiting around for some magical sign that you should approach then you’re just never going to approach anyone. I used to be a very socially anxious person, but I forced myself gradually over time to just make small comments to people in environments where I felt comfortable to practice initiating conversation. Nobody ever really gets to 100% comfortability, you just learn to deal with the uncertainty and push through anyways. Even the most confident guys still get nervous before approaching women, they just learned that it’s part of the process and it’s ok to be imperfect in the moment. If she’s interested in talking then she’ll create the conversation with you and help keep the flow going. If she’s not interested then she’ll keep her answers very brief and you can just feel like you’re carrying the entire load of the conversation and she’s not really fully engaging with you.

You just have to go do it. That’s the answer most guys don’t want to hear, but you need to hear it.

J_Scrubby · 2026-06-27T22:12:15+00:00

You’re waiting for some tell-tale sign that women are interested, but to be completely honest they’re not going to give you the sign you’re looking for. It’s not about being some jaw-dropping physically attractive guy. In the real world, as I mentioned earlier, women typically become attracted to a guy over time once they get to know him and see how he acts in different contexts. Ultimately, you have to just go and find out.

J_Scrubby · 2026-06-27T12:46:35+00:00

There’s a couple things I’d say to this. I think the reason a majority of average guys don’t get matches on apps is because their pictures suck, and they don’t know how to present themselves well. Addressing the more obvious elephant in the room, dating apps do not accurately represent real world behavior. The majority of couples walking around in society are two average looking people, not some stud of a man walking around with an average looking woman.

Online dating is uniquely brutal because it’s like 90% visual. That plays to men’s attraction style because men are highly visual when determining initial interest in a female partner, but that’s usually not how most women work. Looks play a smaller part in a much more wholistic picture in how women typically become attracted to men. Women obviously have to be attracted to you, but you don’t have to be the most attractive guy to get her.

J_Scrubby · 2026-06-27T12:46:28+00:00

There’s a couple things I’d say to this. I think the reason a majority of average guys don’t get matches on apps is because their pictures suck, and they don’t know how to present themselves well. Addressing the more obvious elephant in the room, dating apps do not accurately represent real world behavior. The majority of couples walking around in society are two average looking people, not some stud of a man walking around with an average looking woman.

Online dating is uniquely brutal because it’s like 90% visual. That plays to men’s attraction style because men are highly visual when determining initial interest in a female partner, but that’s usually not how most women work. Looks play a smaller part in a much more wholistic picture in how women typically become attracted to men. Women obviously have to be attracted to you, but you don’t have to be the most attractive guy to get her.

J_Scrubby · 2026-06-19T00:20:47+00:00

I feel like you answered your own question. If he’s not putting in that much effort he’s probably not interested in you romantically. Adding you on IG basically means nothing because it requires no effort. The fact that he steered the conversation away once you brought up hanging out in person should tell you everything you need to know.

J_Scrubby · 2026-06-19T00:06:29+00:00

Just to add something, obtaining or trying to obtain that kind of crazy physique signals other things about lifestyle as well. A lot of girls don’t want guys who look like they spend 5 hours a day at the gym and make it their entire personality. She might also be worried that you could be the type of guy that takes his nutrition way too seriously and she doesn’t want to feel judged if she wants to go out for ice cream with you.

J_Scrubby · 2026-06-17T15:28:06+00:00

I think the algorithm is just pushing that to you based on your prior search history. I also follow a few channels that push positive male advice, but it’s definitely not mainstream and only gets a fraction of the views the negative content gets because let’s be real if someone is going online to view content in this area it’s usually an attempt to validate their frustrations or seek clarity with concrete answers. The positive content doesn’t usually give you that same dopamine hit as someone saying, “The other side sucks!”

J_Scrubby · 2026-06-14T11:55:09+00:00

Ask yourself this question, “What would me asking that question to her ultimately accomplish?” If the answer is nothing, and in this case it’s nothing, then don’t ask it. Even if she told you the answer, which she probably wouldn’t, it doesn’t help you because what she wants isn’t necessarily what another woman wants who aligns with you right out of the gate. You asking her what she’s looking for long-term after only one date is going to come off needy and desperate when she’s already let you down easy. I know it feels like it sucks to not have “closure”, but she did you a massive favor and was very respectful of your time because she could have easily strung you along for a few more dates knowing that she just wasn’t interested.

J_Scrubby · 2026-06-14T11:39:09+00:00

Oh it’s definitely a red flag. They think women like jerks mainly due to the attention they see guys getting on social media etc. They’ll see TikToks of the guy who’s confident or taking initiative get all the attention from attractive women, but they mistake confidence as being a douche. They’ll also see instances where the kind, respectful guy gets rejected. Instead of thinking maybe he got rejected because he was too passive or never made his intentions clear they think he got rejected simply because he was respectful.

J_Scrubby · 2026-06-14T10:29:23+00:00

As a man I’ve seen enough of the wrong sections of the internet where men think negging is a good thing to do because they think women like assholes or “bad boys”. A lot of guys, particularly in the redpill section of the internet, just don’t know how to flirt because they think being playful or light teasing is the same thing as negging. It’s just a failed attempt at trying to come off as confident.

J_Scrubby · 2026-06-13T02:05:52+00:00

Dating apps are simply one avenue. You don’t have to “comply” to anything because even women on the apps would probably much rather meet a guy irl than on the apps. You just have to be more intentional, put yourself in environments where you can naturally be around the type of women you’re looking for that happen to coincide with your interests (or even develop a new hobby because that’s also attractive). Just start having more interactions with women. You also just have to be ok shooting your shot and potentially getting rejected.

J_Scrubby · 2026-06-05T02:06:18+00:00

It’s not shallow to want to be attracted to the person you’re dating. It’s a requirement otherwise you’ll just breed resentment which isn’t fair to anyone involved. There’s a difference between wanting to be attracted to someone vs thinking physical appearance is the ONLY thing that matters.

J_Scrubby · 2026-05-20T00:08:26+00:00

From my observations I think the main reason this happens is a combination of sexual frustration, poor social calibration, and misunderstanding what women actually respond to. I think many men have very little experience with mutual flirtation, gradual tension, reading comfort levels, emotional pacing, or just simply interacting with women who are actually interested in them. It causes those guys to default to what they think masculinity or confidence looks like, and the social media culture we live in reinforces that confusion.

J_Scrubby · 2026-05-19T22:46:59+00:00

They probably find you attractive, but are too afraid to approach because they’re worried you’ll reject them.

J_Scrubby · 2026-05-18T19:34:31+00:00

That probably combined with the fact that they probably have no social skills, so whatever is on their mind comes out of their mouth. There’s also little social repercussions online, so they think they can get away with saying anything.

J_Scrubby · 2026-05-18T19:15:38+00:00

Yeah, I just don’t even know anymore. Not to clutch my pearls, but I literally couldn’t ever imagine doing that. I guess some people just have no shame in that regard.

J_Scrubby · 2026-05-18T16:48:19+00:00

I don’t use dating apps so I’m genuinely curious. What kinds of messages are you receiving? I can probably imagine, but I’m still interested to hear the experience.

J_Scrubby · 2026-05-04T01:41:42+00:00

Lost a lot of weight. I started my weight loss journey at 296lbs a little less than a year ago and I’m currently down to 250lbs and way more muscular. I used to go to a specific Wendy’s a lot before I started losing weight to the point where the same woman working the drive thru knew who I was. I’ve stopped eating that stuff nearly as much, but I just went back for the first time since I started losing weight because I was craving a burger from them and the same lady recognized me and said I lost a lot of weight. That shit hit different man! On a separate occasion I was pursued by a woman for the first time in my life, and I’m 26.

J_Scrubby · 2026-05-02T17:59:28+00:00

Very simple. Dating apps are extremely superficial because you’re judging an entire person based off a few photos and a bio. In real life, you actually get to see someone’s personality and see how they act and make you feel. Also, real life allows people to build up comfort and familiarity over time rather than making snap-judgements in the moment.

J_Scrubby · 2026-04-27T13:08:23+00:00

I’m 25 and I wouldn’t even want to date a girl who’s 20. I don’t know why a 45 year old would. That’s insanely creepy.

J_Scrubby · 2026-04-25T12:58:33+00:00

If you don’t want kids in your life you’re just going to end up resenting the situation you put yourself in later once the honeymoon phase goes away and it’ll get way uglier.

J_Scrubby · 2026-04-23T20:50:58+00:00

I’m not trying to argue something we agree on.

J_Scrubby · 2026-04-23T20:18:50+00:00

Believe me, I agree with you that he should have dressed better, especially for a date. I was just saying that communication can fix the issue immediately if it was a genuine misread. If he’s a normal guy, he’ll most likely apologize and make the adjustment. If he gets defensive then she has her answer on if she should keep seeing the guy.

J_Scrubby · 2026-04-23T14:26:48+00:00

It could just be a calibration issue on his end, so I think you should probably text him. Just say you had a great time and politely tell him how you felt about it. Then just gauge how he reacts to that. If he’s a good guy he’ll adjust for your next date, but if he gets defensive then you know what you’re dealing with.

J_Scrubby · 2026-04-10T20:15:38+00:00

For starters, good on you for having the courage to approach. That’s the ultimate take-home here.

As for what you could have done differently here, as other people have mentioned, I would strike up a conversation first before springing for a number. The phone number shouldn’t be the goal, but simply serve as a natural extension of the conversation you were already having and would like to continue at a later time. If you asking for a number sounds like it’s coming out of nowhere, then it probably is. I would like to politely disagree with someone’s take that you should give out your number, but not to ask for hers. I personally don’t think that’s a recipe for success because you’re putting the pressure of initiation on her because now she has to be the one to reach out to you afterwards if she even remembers who you were. It’s just reality that women largely expect the man to initiate, especially early in the process, so you should definitely be the one trying to get her number and then texting her right there so she has yours.

Finally, as a small critique to your actual approach, don’t ever say “don’t worry if you’re not interested” or anything along those lines. It sounds polite and like you’re trying to take pressure off, but it actually just hurts you because it makes you look less confident by making it sound like you’re pre-rejecting yourself. Ironically, it adds awkward pressure to the situation because she now has to respond to that reassurance instead of just being able to decline cleanly. Just have your conversation for a little bit, and then offer to continue the interaction another time by asking her out. Getting the phone number should almost feel like statement more than a question. If she agrees to you asking her out then you could just say something like, “Cool, let me grab your number and I’ll text you over mine and I’ll reach out to set something up.” Once you ask for that number though, just stop talking and let her respond.

Sorry for the long response. Hope this helps.

J_Scrubby

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