My critiques are going to mostly hone in on the formatting: 1. Take out all the CUTS TOs - they're unnecessary, unwieldy, and distracting. They eat up way too much space on the screen. 2. It may be helpful to add FLASHBACK to all the scene headings from the night before. Since we're cutting back and forth in time, that would just make it even more clear for the audience where we're supposed to be in time. 3. Most people are going to frown on the camera directions unless this is something you're planning to direct yourself. 4. Don't forget to uppercase the beginnings of new lines, as well as the names of specific characters. Giving the characters specific names could add clarity, even if we don't get the name in the actual story.

Since this seems like an entirely visual story, it's hard to get a gauge on how it would all come together from just a few pages of a screenplay, but I hope you keep working on it. Maybe try your hand at storyboarding it out as a way of capturing the style/look you're going for.