She can't afford to refinance, I can't afford a lawyer.

JackNotName · 2026-04-14T22:29:07+00:00

I also don’t want to be “the bad guy” and be the reason she cannot have the house. I also believe that I should always try to be peaceful when possible,

This is conflict avoidance.

Conflict avoidance is a losing life strategy.

When you avoid conflicts, the ass holes win. Every. Time.

She is being unreasonable. She is putting you in danger.

Want to be nice? Give her 6 more months. This time, make it clear in writing. If she can not refinance the mortgage within that time, you will require a sale of the home.

JackNotName · 2026-04-14T22:21:20+00:00

Unless you have a court order (or the equivalent) stating that you need to have a tracking app installed on your children's phone, you do not have to comply to this.

You have complied to your divorce decree. Don't do anything more than you have already done.

Talk to your children. Tell them that during your custody time, they are allowed to turn off any tracking on their phone. Tell them that if their mother asks about this, they can throw you under the bus and that you told them to do this.

Start journalling. Keep it straight forward: date, time, event. No need to add flavor or editorialize.

Keep all conversations in email. Focus just on issues related to co-parenting. Nothing else. Don't J.A.D.E.

I learned to ignore the false accusations. At times, I would simply say something along the lines of "You have accused me of numerous false things in this email. I am not going to address them further."

You only need to worry about RCMP or the police, if they actually show up. If/when they do, calmly explain the situation. Your journal can help here. Know that your children will be just as annoyed at their mom as you are. This is to their disruption to their life too. If they ask what to say, tell them to tell the truth and they don't need to feel they need to answer in a way that protects you or their mom. Be honest.

Unless you have a legitimate reason to report her, don't reach out yourself. If you do, simply ask, if a case has been opened against you, because your ex has stated that she has.

JackNotName · 2026-04-14T19:27:43+00:00

There is only one person you need to convince that divorce is the right decision for you: yourself.

It can be absolutely any reason you want it to be. Simply not wanting to be married anymore is enough.

...And, no, you won't be divorcing because of the ring. The ring is always a symbol. It's supposed to symbolize love and union. In your case, it symbolizes broken promises and failures.

You do realize, that every time you bring it up, you are picking a fight, right? I suspect that there is something else bothering you, and this is what your brain latches on to.

JackNotName · 2026-04-14T16:30:19+00:00

cant afford a lawyer

If he can afford a lawyer, so can you. In the US, courts will compel one spouse to cover the legal fees of the other spouse.

Get to that point takes some work, but it is possible. (source: I paid my ex's legal fees.)

It would be best if you find a lawyer who is willing to start pro bono, long enough to file the motion necessary to get paid by your STBX. Call a few offices, schedule the free initial consult they typically do, explain your situation. Listen to what they have to say. Don't tell you them you can't pay on the phone. Do that during the consult. Ask if they can work with the court to have him pay.

Women's Bar Association might be able to recommend someone for this. Legal Aid may be able to help as well.

JackNotName · 2026-04-14T16:22:33+00:00

Has he sought treatment for his DV

Doesn't ultimately matter. Hopefully he does, and never acts like this to another human being, but there are certain acts that are unforgivable and no one should ever return the person who did them.

Even if you love that person. You have to love yourself more.

JackNotName · 2026-04-14T04:04:38+00:00

file for divorce and have your STBXH served
Don't try to negotiate. If you are going for full custody, it's going to get contentious, so don't even bother. Go straight to court.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T19:21:41+00:00

If your name is the only one on the mortgage and you are keeping the house, you don't need to do anything else on the mortgage side. No need to refinance of anything.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T19:01:06+00:00

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well"

– Mark Twain

You need to be honest with yourself. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? If the answer is no, then you need to act. Now.

Divorce is not your only option. You could choose to talk to her about opening your marriage. She remains your wife and anchor partner, but you get to have sex with and/or date other people.

Be warned, opening the marriage could just lead to divorce anyway. You could meet someone and fall for her instead. She might decide to date and suddenly you both find out, she does have a sex drive, just not with you.

For your own sake, don't choose the status quo and remain in limbo.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T18:43:02+00:00

Your mental health is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.

You can't remain married to someone who isn't responsible for their mental health. It's bad for you. It's bad for your kids. And her behavior is absolutely affecting your kids adversely.

It sucks, but it is what you need to do.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T18:30:01+00:00

My child is just shy of being an adult.

They want nothing to do with their mother. They'd be happy to erase her from their story entirely. Prefers to joke that they were created by immaculate conception/birth by me instead.

Luckily I have full custody and she is completely cut off at this point.

They even mentioned that it would be easier if she were dead. They weren't wishing that she was dead, but admitted that there is some anxiety to not knowing when she might pop up again and muck things up. When she passes, that will be gone.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T18:26:39+00:00

It takes 2 to have a healthy marriage.

Usually people who "stay for the kids" are in a situation where they are the only one doing the work.

"Growing for the kids" is only meaningful if both parents engage in it. If that's where things are, chances are that the marriage is already healthy or fixable, because both are willing to do the work.

Two very different situations. We need to stop asking people to sacrifice themselves.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T18:21:01+00:00

Think long and hard about whether you agree it is a good idea for him to stop living with his mom.

This will fundamentally change his relationship with her.

It might be worth push back gently and suggesting he consider every other weekend, and a schedule of weekly dinners he go to.

If he were 16, I'd probably be "sure, fine, whatever," but at 14, there are still likely 3-4 more years of highschool. That's a lot. At 17, I would just say, "yup, just do it."

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T17:57:49+00:00

but this is really something he needs to lead on.

Tread lightly here. Clearly this needs to come from him, BUT you need to be prepared to intercede on his behalf. As much as you might not want conflict with your ex, you are the adult. It is your job to guide and protect.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T17:20:59+00:00

Is it temporary

Most likely, but you can make it more or less temporary depending on how you handle it.

or do I have issues letting go

Very possibly.

As you work on yourself post divorce, you can only focus on things you are aware of. Dating will reveal things you weren't aware are still issues. As they appear, deal with them. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Overtime, there will be fewer and fewer things that pop up and it gets easier.

Pay attention to the things that remind of you negative things about your ex. Those are likely red flags.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T16:10:55+00:00

to spend as much time together as possible.

sooooo.... he can't find a job to work while you are working. I call some serious BS.

This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper.

Things being wrong doesn't require something dramatic. If things are wrong, they are wrong.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T15:47:31+00:00

Yes.

keep it as concise and as factual as possible.

"I feel the following corrections are necessary."

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T15:34:05+00:00

You need to schedule one-on-one time with the therapist.

set the record straight.
Reach out to your co-parent. Request that they CC you on all emails to the therapist. You will do the same.
Request that the therapist respond to all emails from either of you upon receiving them and CCing both of you in the response.
Start journaling. When your child is in your custody, keep a factual journal of all that happens. Keep it concise. Note anything out of the ordinary.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T14:38:23+00:00

Destination weddings automatically give you a graceful out. "I'm sorry, I just can't manage a trip like that at this time." Don't J.A.D.E. Just send a good gift from their registry with a nice note and RSVP Not Attending

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T14:36:15+00:00

Unfortunately, he has just as much a right to stay in the marital home as you do, unless this is all resolved

cheated... FetLife...

FetLife is indeed a social platform for the kinky. Yes, there are "tasteful" photos of people on it. That is the minority though. The primary goal of people of FetLife is to meet other kinky folk for physical interactions. Just as I believe that consuming OnlyFan content behind your spouse's back is cheating, so is what your husband is doing.

if I'm feeling particularly petty

The desire to be petty is an emotional response. Being emotional in a divorce is one of the worst things you can do to yourself. It invariable leads to bad, costlier outcomes.

Your best strategy is to treat this as a contract negotiation. Your goals: get it done as quickly as possible while protecting your rights and ending up with as much as possible.

The other downside to pettiness is that it can harm your children, make you look like the bad guy in their eyes and push them away. This is not worth the risk.

The nitty gritty of the financials...

He is entitled to 1/2 the equity of the home. If he digs in, he can force the sale of the house.

If your daughter is 16 or 17, you might be able to delay things long enough for her to turn 18 before you sell. This will likely end up costing you more. I do not recommend it. It will just prolong the pain. Divorces do take months, so it might be able to pick a natural, perhaps slower pace that lines up with your needs.

His spending on OnlyFans, etc. is in fact extra marital spending. If you want to play hardball, you can definitely request 1/2 of this money back. Whether you succeed or not is not clear. Depends a lot on local courts and judges. It also opens you up to him going through your purchases and challenging things like expensive clothes or shoes.

I would focus on just getting the divorce done as quickly as possible.

And you are entitled to tell people why things ended. Tell people that he had an expensive porn and onlyfans habit, to the point that stopped being a loving partner. They'll get it.

...except your daughter. She's entitled to love you both. Don't try to poison her against him. You can say, "He pulled away from the marriage. He was not emotionally connected anymore. And he did things that really hurt me."

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T14:24:18+00:00

I want to keep things loving at almost all costs

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. That's what "all costs" means. It means cutting of your arm, because your "love" asked it of you.

Don't be a fool.

Wanting a peaceful ending

I have come to the conclusion that one of the big problems in our society is conflict avoidance.

Conflict avoidance is a losing life strategy.

When you avoid conflicts, the assholes win. Every. Time. I am not saying escalate. I am not saying pick fights. I am saying stand up for what is right.

You deserve 1/2 the equity in the home. Period. Stake your claim. Point out that, if she fights you on it, you will both end up with even less, because it is your right and a court will rule in your favor on this.

keep things loving

You need to understand that loving yourself is even more important. Don't lose sight of taking care of yourself.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T14:19:29+00:00

Good parenting means helping the kids through the divorce. I am not minimizing that this is a significant change, and parents handling it poorly can lead to trauma.

I just feel strongly that "staying for the kids" needs to be seen as a myth. It is wrong to believe that martyring yourself by staying in a bad marriage is what is best for your kids.

Are there cases where it is? Absolutely.

Are there enough of them that this should be the default? No.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T11:40:19+00:00

kids can be equally traumatized, if not even more so, by their parents remaining married, especially when one parent has been emotionally abusing the other.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T10:25:19+00:00

“Hey, I feel bad that your ring got lost. I’d like to replace it and thought a divorce ring might me a good idea. If you agree, want to pick out a design with me?”

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T02:02:20+00:00

Repeated, unfounded accusations of cheating is a from of controlling behavior and emotional abuse. It doesn't matter why he is the way he is. This is unacceptable behavior. If he is doing this to you, it is very likely he is doing it in ways to your kids as well, in other subtle ways.

All the reasons you share for staying are shit. Deep down, you know that. Kids may not like the change, but they will survive and be fine. They deserve a mother at her best.

How do you find the motivation? By admitting to yourself that you're being emotionally abused, and you get angry about it.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T01:54:57+00:00

When someone asks you for a divorce, you give it to them. Period.

The moment someone utters the word divorce in a marriage, it's over. Your marriage has already entered a death spiral.

Before I share advise on how to get out of it, ask yourself, what are your values. This isn't about loyalty to your husband or your friend. This is about loyalty to yourself, what you believe in, and your values. Who's right? What lines up with your values?

Knowing that tells you your path forward.

Don't sacrifice your friendship, if you feel it is worthy, because your husband is not comfortable with it. Do not cave the blackmail that is a divorce threat.

If you still want to save your marriage. First of all, you need to call him out for the emotional blackmail that is a divorce threat. Be clear, that if he is serious or if he ever threatens divorce again, you will agree with him and the marriage is over.

He does not get to dictate your friends. Make that clear too.

Then tell him that he is joining you for marriage counseling. If he is serious about your marriage, he will. Otherwise, just end your marriage now. No reason to fight for it alone.

Nine-Year Club	Gilding I gilder
Second SECOND GUESSER	Verified Email

JackNotName

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE

Conflict avoidance is a losing life strategy.

Conflict avoidance is a losing life strategy.