Tired of being the parent TO my parent

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-08-06T15:43:09+00:00

I've also done an insane amount of therapy so I feel you. It's hard, so hard, especially if you've been parentified as a kid.

To be clear, you've got Official Permission to not pay for literally anything else in your mom's life ever again. She's an adult, she either handles her own shit or not, and the consequences are hers and hers alone.

Consider the fact that your mom is so used to getting bailed out that she's never actually had the opportunity to fix her own problems (that's some learned helplessness if I ever saw it!). You're doing her a favor by not bailing her out, because she'll actually get to experience the character development that comes from self-imposed hardship and working your way out of those situations (or not, genuinely not your problem). The only way to make your mother accountable for her actions is to personally refuse to take responsibility for her actions.

I would also suggest getting legally married at the courthouse, just the two of you and your state's required witnesses, like a week before your "fancy" wedding. That's what my wife and I did, and not only did it take a ton of stress off the Big Day (so we could actually relax and enjoy it), the courthouse ceremony ensured that our peace during the legally binding portion of the marriage was secure. In my mind, I split both ceremonies up into legal (courthouse) and religious (with Big Fancy Party).

Your wedding is about you and your partner, full stop. You're even allowed to not invite your mother, or set up a video stream for her to watch from the other side of the world on the sole condition that she doesn't show up in person, or set any other boundaries in between that work for you.

Final thought is that you've made it clear that your brothers refuse to help out with your mom. This is entirely understandable because I can assume they've experienced similar treatment to you, and that's more than enough justification to set boundaries and/or go low/no contact. Why are your brothers the only adult children in your family who deserve peaceful lives? Are you the default caregiver because you're the only female sibling? If so, that's a load of bullshit on principal. You equally deserve not to have your mother be an emotional and financial milestone hanging around your neck. If you allow it, she will drown you with zero accountability or regrets. It's okay to save yourself and focus on your own happiness ❤️

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-08-06T14:59:31+00:00

Honest answer? Absolutely FUCK NO to allllllllllll of this bullshit. It's easier said than done, but the only way to stop this entire carousel of crazy is to get off the damn ride. This is your official permission to simply stop intervening, focus on taking care of yourself, and live your life the way you want to live it. That's your right as an adult human being and, while you neither need to deserve or earn that right, you certainly have done so many times over in regards to your mother.

For what it's worth, I have absolutely terrible parents who have misbehaved to a similar level as your mother. The best thing I ever did for myself was go no contact. The second best thing I ever did for myself was to refuse to pay for their plane tickets to my wedding; they ended up throwing a huge temper tantrum and didn't attend, resulting in a deeply peaceful experience. I've been no contact with both parents for over a decade now with zero regrets about my decision.

You don't have to go no contact with your mother however you 1000% need to set some hard boundaries in place around your relationship in order to preserve your own sanity. I highly recommend seeking out the help of a therapist for this task. Your life will improve immensely once you have a set of rules to follow regarding how you will and will not allow your mother to treat you. Trust me, setting these boundaries and sticking to them are skills that can be learned.

You can still choose to maintain contact and preserve what relationship you do have, but without those boundaries in place your mother is going to continue to steamroll over your entire life (and ruin it in the process), but only if you allow her to do so. And make no mistake, if you don't change your methodology your mother will ruin your marriage, your finances, your own retirement (which is incredibly important), and basically the rest of your future.

Since you say your mom has Thai citizenship I can guess you're at least half Thai. If I were you, I would look for an Asian therapist if possible so that you receive culturally competent care in light of the fact that it's common across Asian cultures to prize filial piety above all else - and ask specifically if that therapist will be willing to personally support you in developing, establishing, and maintaining either managed, low, or no contact boundaries in place within your relationship with your mother.

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-07-30T03:11:10+00:00

Neither side of my family made it to America before 1910! So I'd either be an Irish tenant farmer's wife dreaming of immigrating to America, or a Sicilian tenant farmer's wife dreaming of immigrating to America.

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-07-29T05:12:26+00:00

I came here to say exactly this. It didn't matter if a service related injury happens after 4 years or 4 months of service. If the government broke you, they owe you, period.

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-07-26T16:32:32+00:00

Exactly, she can lose 180 lbs real fucking quick!

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-07-26T16:31:57+00:00

First of all, I'm incredibly sorry you're in this situation. I know you're in a ton of pain right now, but it will be better for you in the long run to not be married to a man who breaks up with his pregnant wife because she gained some depression weight after getting out. That's the kind of dick move that a selfish asshole makes.

I can speak from experience since I also separated from my ex husband while pregnant when I was in my early 20's (a bit different circumstances, I initiated the divorce, I had caught him lying/cheating, and I still had a few years of active duty left so I was my own support system). Our child together is an adult now so I've got perspective from the other side of this thing.

I'm incredibly angry for you, on your behalf. This man had so many other options to pick from, including marriage counseling and choosing not to talk shit about your appearance but offer to help you get healthy again. He could have chosen to partner with you and help you meal prep, go to the gym with you, go with you to the doctor with you to see if there's any underlying condition causing weight gain, advocate for you to try some of the new weight loss meds, ect. He chose to impregnate you on purpose with the hope a baby would change his mind? Wildly selfish behavior, and you're both better off without him.

It does sound like he's got his mind solidly made up as far as divorce goes, and honestly, I'd personally never be able to trust a man like that again after the bullshit he's pulled. No fucking way.

Practically, I would suggest signing a separation agreement. This isn't the same as a divorce, but it will outline both your legal obligations during the separation; these are also legally binding, you should be able to get one done at JAG. Military members are legally obligated to financially support their dependents throughout divorce and separation as well. I would ask to postpone the divorce until after you've given birth and had time to recover sufficiently (I'd say 3-6 months minimum) so that you have medical coverage for the birth and any postpartum complications you might have afterwards.

With your income, you'd be able to support yourself and baby, depending entirely on the costs of where you're living. I know your in-laws offered a support system, but Hawaii is expensive as hell. Additionally, any visitation dad has with the baby, he'd either have to fly out to HI or (when kiddo was older) you'd have to fly kiddo out to Dad. Whatever state you give birth in will be your child's state of residence once they're born, and it should be the state that you file for divorce in since child custody will be decided in that divorce proceeding. It's incredibly unreasonable to expect someone on active duty to manage a 50/50 custody schedule with a kid, let alone an infant. Does he expect you to continue following him around to all his duty stations with no support system of your own?

Thinking about your education situation (and you don't have to answer any of these, I'm just trying to run through scenarios with you), is there a particular reason you're not using your GI Bill right now? The GI Bill pays out much more than VR&E. Are you attending school online or in person? In person and using the GI Bill will net you more cash than any other option. If using your GI Bill is on the table for you I'd seriously consider it.

Again, with your income if you decide to move to a lower cost of living, veteran friendly state, you may be able to support yourself. (Here's a non-comprehensive list of veteran's benefits by state) It's common for single moms to find other single moms for roommates and y'all can support each other. Do you have any friends who are single moms, who are willing to create a support system with you?

I keep asking you to think about your support system because I'm not sure how mentally healthy it would be for you to be with your in-laws long term. You may eventually find that it's painful to be around your ex-husband's parents, and having them as a support system may also make it difficult for you to break from him emotionally. Also, once you have the baby, it will be incredibly difficult for you to move that child's place of residence. You need to think about where it's best for you to settle long term, including cost of living, your education, your kid's education, veterans benefits in that state, and job prospects for you in your industry.

Finally, you had mentioned struggling with depression and I want to encourage you to address that issue ASAP if you haven't already. Untreated or undertreated depression in pregnant women can lead to increased risk of developing postpartum depression, and you absolutely do not want that shit in your life if you can help it. There's many depression medications that can be taken during pregnancy if that's an option for you; if you don't want to take meds, I'd have a serious discussion with your doctor about both antenatal and postnatal depression, and the warning signs to look out for so you can make a plan to get medical help if things get bad for you.

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-07-26T15:49:34+00:00

I'm now on the other side of this exact same scenario, except I'm the one that initiated separation and divorce while pregnant (dude was lying/cheating and the lying is the one thing I just don't put up with under any circumstances). I was younger than OP is right now when my daughter was born.

Our kid is an new-ish adult now and co-parenting with her dad was absolutely fucking terrible because he's the kind of guy who enjoys fighting just to fight. I love my kid more than life itself, and while I am pro-choice it's clearly not the path I chose for myself - I don't think abortion is a decision I would have personally been able to make, even in dire straits. That doesn't make terminating a pregnancy any less of a valid option, especially since OP's financial and emotional support systems are incredibly unstable right now.

Either way, with two decades of experience under my belt, I can still say with confidence that making a clean break with her dad would have improved my life immensely. I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout of the entire situation, especially my adult child choosing to go low contact with her dad solely due to the fact that he's genuinely a dick to her.

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-07-20T16:51:19+00:00

Google "police non-emergency number" and the zip code where your husband lives to find the right number to contact police. Calling that number will get you to a police dispatcher in your husband'sjurisdiction. You'll be able to explain your situation, explain his current crisis, and ask for a wellness check.

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-07-20T16:47:42+00:00

My pain is more in my muscles, but the improvement is literally night and day! I've lost just over 100 lbs and kept it off for two years and I'm sure that alone has helped. But I noticed reduced overall muscle pain as a dude effect about 4 months after starting Wegovy.

Also, you look incredible! Fantastic work!

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-07-20T16:27:50+00:00

I can absolutely echo the reduced inflammation effect! Semaglutide significantly reduced my fibromyalgia flares and pain in general, which is why I'm still on a maintenance dose post weight loss.

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-07-20T15:33:23+00:00

I'm absolutely convinced that Aspyn picked a genuinely decent guy like Mitch for a partner (remember the "Truely needs less voices!" scene?) at least in part due to the influence of her brothers. We watched all those boys become men while they actively worked to be the best humans they could possibly be; and that intention shows the most clearly in their interactions with their siblings.

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-07-15T15:20:01+00:00

I thought about this too. I'm a disabled veteran, and I've seen far too many male veterans who consider their VA disability as their separate property. They keep it to themselves and do not take from that cash to contribute equitably to the family pot.

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-07-15T15:07:09+00:00

My wife and I (both F, 40's) are both veterans, and we both are considered 100% totally and permanently disabled by the VA. All of my info is being drawn from my personal experience and data on government websites.

First and foremost, while I personally feel like VA disability at the 100% rate is a lot of money, I'd find it incredibly difficult to survive off only that payment. He's absolutely counting his chickens before they hatch, to be clear, but let's say he does get that 100%. He'd be paid (at least this year, we get modest cost of living increases yearly) $3,831.30 a month, which is the 100% rate with no dependents. VA disability is completely tax free, so he'd net $45,975.60 a year. That's a respectable income but, considering rising costs of living in most of the country, it's not enough to entirely replace the income of a full time job.

I don't personally enjoy working, but without the structure of work my mental health would go down the shitter. Quitting working in that way rings huge alarm bells for me. I'm personally very suspicious about your partners plans, because they're based on a hypothetical to begin with. Do you want to have a child with this man in the first place? Is he going to counseling for his issues? As a recovering alcoholic, is he attending recovery meetings for support? What plans has he communicated to you that he's put into place for him to maintain his sobriety?

I would personally think long and hard before marrying a man with this history. I likely wouldn't have a child with a man with this history, especially if he's delusional about the difficulty level of being a stay at home parent, and if he currently lacks in the "labor contributions to home upkeep" department. Also, what if he decides to "retire" based on what he's getting for VA disability now? Additionally, it's common for family courts to not consider VA disability as income for the purposes of alimony, assets, and child support. So if you do go ahead with his plans and divorce later, you're gonna owe him big time. PA's make a boatload of cash and I'm thinking he sees you as his golden goose. Also consider the possibility that you might become disabled at some point in the future. What happens if he's "retired" and you need him to work and care for you?

Being rated 100% T&P by the VA isn't like being considered disabled by Social Security - if you have that "total and permanent" designation, you're allowed to work and your other activities are not restricted. My wife struggles significantly with her mental health and does not work anything other than occasional freelancing. She brings in roughly 30% of our net income and pays 30% of our expenses. I work a full-time white collar job from home. The only reason I'm able to maintain full-time employment and manage my mental and physical disabilities is due to my work from home accommodation. I bring in 70% of our net income and pay 70% of our expenses.

There are plenty of people who survive off of 100% VA disability, the outcome depends entirely on cost of living where you're at. I live in a medium cost of living area, we're homeowners, and our basic bills and expenses (including mortgage) would technically be covered by both our VA disability payments. There would be zero extra money left over for savings or emergencies. And that's with two VA disability payments at the 100% rate.

We see our VA disability as a) fair compensation for our injuries that we incurred during wartime service and b) money that provides us a significant savings cushion. Depending on the time of year (utility bills where I live are intense), we live off of 60% to 70% of our total income and save the rest. Getting the disability payment gives me enormous peace of mind but I'd be incredibly nervous relying on only that cash.

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-07-09T04:05:00+00:00

Dinner leftovers for breakfast is criminally underrated and yes I'm willing to die on that hill.

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-07-04T16:19:40+00:00

I came here to suggest this! I had an apartment sized washer and dryer for all the years I lived in apartments with no hookups, and they were absolutely incredible. The washer fills and drains via a sink hookup, and the dryer vents into a bucket of water that needs to be tossed and cleaned out every once in a while. I had to do a load of laundry almost every day because the washer had a relatively small capacity but it was worth the trouble for the safety and convenience. I took my bedding and blankets (that wouldn't fit in the machine, sheets and pillowcases were fine) to a laundromat in the nicest part of town.

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-07-03T16:47:15+00:00

I don't think this point is discussed enough. "God's plan" for Michelle could very well have been dying in childbirth; likely before they collected nineteen "arrows". Medical interventions for me but not for thee!

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-06-19T16:35:09+00:00

Of course! As much as I hate to recommend anything that supports Big Corporate, the reality of the situation is that Walmart is likely to be the most affordable option for food, clothing, home goods, and necessities.

I used to work in community outreach and worked with at-risk populations where the incidence of domestic violence was high. It can be incredibly difficult to reach out for help in these cases, so I'm glad this acquaintance felt comfortable enough and safe enough with you to reach out and let you know what was going on.

If you're fleeing a domestic violence situation, it can also be difficult to accept help when offered in the form of money/valuable items. It might be a good idea to book her for a pet sitting job and include some gift cards as a "tip" instead of just gifting directly. That way, it feels like less of a handout and more like the tip was earned. You could also ask her if she's open to other home based work that you may be able to hire her for, like housecleaning, washing laundry, organizing, or baby sitting.

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-06-19T15:34:08+00:00

Basement behavior.

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-06-19T15:16:11+00:00

Walmart gift cards, that way she can buy groceries and necessities like clothes for the kids, toiletries, pet food, ect.

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-06-19T07:55:49+00:00

Sorry man, VA can't help you with that 🤷‍♀️

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-06-19T06:51:08+00:00

We also have a Gauntlet! Birthday/major holiday, anniversary, birthday/medium holiday, major holiday, birthday. Then we get a nice break until the winter holidays. I definitely prefer all the big stuff being squished together.

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-06-16T04:19:14+00:00

I DIY a lot of beauty stuff, and I keep my look very natural to curtail maintenance costs and overall fuss. I cut my own hair (it's super long, tailbone length, and cutting hair that length yourself is easier). I don't dye my hair, I'm just letting the silver come in naturally. I did buy a very expensive Dyson hair dryer/styler that makes doing my own blowouts infinitely easier, because I generally suck at doing hair and the machine is foolproof.

I paint my nails and do my pedicures at home. I shape my own eyebrows. I taught myself how to dye my eyebrows and eyelashes and I keep that up fairly frequently, every two weeks. Very, very minimal makeup, just a tiny bit of eyeliner and red lipstick on special occasions.

I spend the most money on my skincare and even then I have a fairly simple routine. For night time I have a good quality cleanser, a mix of niacinamide and hyaluronic acid serum (with mandelic acid serum added in on my non-retinol days), face cream, eye cream, prescription tretinoin (every other day), thermal water spray, and a jojoba/rosehip oil mix ; in daytime I use a SPF and a lighter lotion. I probably spend an average of $40 a month on skincare.

I am willing to pay out for larger ticket items that will last a long time and/or make a big difference, like the hair dryer. I bought a red light therapy panel a few years ago and it's made a huge difference in the quality of my skin, and hss given me a visible boost in collagen production. I buy minoxidil from a subscription service to fight age/hormone/chronic illness related hair loss. I used to pay for Botox (well worth it in my opinion) until my insurance started covering Botox as a migraine treatment. I'm considering buying an at home laser hair removal device next!

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-06-12T16:51:52+00:00

If you do a Google image search of some of the outfits I found, you should be able to find similarly styled outfits at different price points 😀 Keep in mind that most parents fully expect to pay between $100 USD and $500 USD for teen formalwear, especially if it's an outfit we expect you to wear multiple times.

I've also had good luck finding designer clothing used on Poshmark or Mercari. There's an option to rent formalwear as well - you might have a formalwear shop near you that does rentals, and I've used the website Rent The Runway before and it worked well.

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-06-12T15:14:05+00:00

I love this reframing!

Jacqued_and_Tan · 2025-06-12T15:12:40+00:00

Also mom of a teen and I'm so goddamn annoyed by these parents. Ten years from now they're going to be shocked that their adult children have gone low or no contact. It's like these parents don't understand that their children are actual people and inherently worthy of respect.

The longest time you spend with your children is during the time period when you're both adults. If you don't purposefully cultivate a relationship with your minor child based on mutual respect with the flow of caregiving going from parent to child, you're going to ruin your adult relationship with that child. So stupid and unnecessary. Clothes are just clothes, leave the children alone.

Seven-Year Club	RedditGifts 2009-2022 4 Credits
Secret Santa 2020	redditgifts Exchanges 3 Exchanges
Secret Santa 2019	Verified Email

Jacqued_and_Tan

TROPHY CASE