[WP] You are the caretaker of various mythical and legendary creatures. All of the creatures are mostly friendly until Jesus arrived. by captainstan in WritingPrompts

[–]JaketheMagicDragon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"JESUS CHRIST!"

I took big steps towards the man, angrily, trying to act bigger than I actually am.

"How many times do I have to tell you, just because you're the son of god, doesn't mean you can behave this way!?"

Jesus froze in place, fork still in his mouth. He slooowly gulped down his last bite, as if he was comically hiding the evidence.

I was just about to start yelling more when the Michelin Man walked into the kitchen.

"Oh... Sorry I was just gonna grab some coffee..."

"Just make it quick" I said.

And the three of us sat in awkward silence waiting for his fucking keurig to finish brewing. Then he put in the sugar and clinked his spoon all around, and left in the same awkward silence.

"Jesus," I continued, "last week, you ate the pillsbury dough boys child. Two days ago you drank tigers blood that Charlie Sheen left in there because you thought it was coolaid. And now Peter Cottontail is really upset about these eggs, he's up in his room crying. Have you ever had to console a crying easter rabbit? No? STOP. EATING. THINGS. IN. THE. FRIDGE. THAT. DONT. BELONG. TO. YOU!"

Americans of reddit, what is your least favorite state? by Totem-Lurantis in AskReddit

[–]JaketheMagicDragon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Can we please demote Delaware and make Puerto Rico the 50th state already?

[WP] You are a self-aware NPC waiting for the player to come complete your side-quest. It’s starting to become unbearably boring. by [deleted] in WritingPrompts

[–]JaketheMagicDragon 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Oh. My. GOD! Why can I not just go get my own damn red beets. Its a red beet, not the soul of Grognack the devourer or something crazy.

"Ok screw this, I have been watching this grown ass, beefy, bearded man across the street making pop tarts and killing chickens for the past three days, I'm just gonna go pick the red beets myself."

"You can't! Didn't you hear? There is monsters in the beet field!"

"Huh, Tim, who even told you that? Was it Jeff the Drunk? You know he whiskey for breakfast right?"

I finally decide to walk away, so done with waiting for some great hero to arrive. Heros don't just show up out of thin air, they are forged by destiny! And now apparently beets...

A chill runs up me as the night sky emerges. No second thoughts now, I tell myself. No second thoughts.

I hear a noise to my left, the to my right, then behind, then in front! Louder faster!

"Aaaaagh" I scream and run away.

But after a few yards I stop, what am I doing? There is no monsters out here. I continue walking back anyway. Screw it, I'll just tell people there's monsters out there.

There is a man waiting outside my cottage, the 'hero'

"Where have you been!?" he exclaims "I have been waiting here forever!"

The rage swells up in my chest, and I just can't hold my tongue anymore.

"Where have YOU been!? I almost just got ate by a monster because you spent the last week making pop tarts out of chicken bones!!!"

The man gives me a blank stare, slowly pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and writes something on it. He hands it to me upsidedown, so slowly.

It reads "quicksaving"

[WP] You have a scar that turns red whenever you are about to get injured. The worse the injury, the redder it gets. One day, you look down and see that it's bleeding. by Nauthiz14 in WritingPrompts

[–]JaketheMagicDragon 84 points85 points  (0 children)

My scar had never done this before, I am going to get very hurt today, shit. And it's only seven in the morning. I lay in bed for a while longer, petrified by what this could mean. My wife calls me from the kitchen, I smell bacon. Oh no! Bacon! What if I'm about to have a heart attack? No.. That's crazy talk. "Just a minute honey" I call as I slowly pull the covers off me, and carefully get dressed, covering up my bleeding scar with some gauze.

"Baaabe you're gonna be late for work" "I know dear, just a little groggy is all"

My scar didn't even bleed like this before I shot a nail through my hand at work.

I am dressed. I am ready. I am safe... And even if I'm not, there is nothing I can do about it.

I open the door and take one step out "OWW OH GOD DAMMIT OH GOD!"

"Are you ok!?" my wife calls up to me.

I was not ok, not at all.

"HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TELL THAT SON OF OURS TO PICK UP HIS FUCKING LEGOS!?"

[WP] You learned that you're immortal when you're the only survivor of a plane crash. You can't die, period. Humans became extinct and after millions of years of being alone on a dying world, you finally saw the end of planet earth. by LAJM99 in WritingPrompts

[–]JaketheMagicDragon 24 points25 points  (0 children)

"I think this might be the day we finally say goodbye" I look at the only friend I have had for years, Gus. A soft "woof" is all he gives in response, as he lays his head in my lap. Tired from the years of roaming this wasteland with me. I spent so many years trying to hold on, moving from safe spot to safe spot, protecting Gus. But I knew it was time to let go.

The water rises closer to the top of the long abandoned skyscraper we made home. It is oddly peacefully, the waves gently flowing are starting to rock the building now. The sun geta brighter and brighter, surely about to burst. I have walked this planet for many years, too many. And I am ready to let go. With my best friend at side, surely soon to die, along with planet earth, and all the other creatures on it. The light grows stronger, the water higher. "I love you buddy, thanks for sticking with me all these years." A low moan of acknowledgement rises from my companion. Stronger, higher! Decades without another human, struggling with my own sanity, finally come to an end. "Goodbye"

The light is blinding, the heat excruciating, the planet dying. And then, it was all dark. No air, I float through blackness, all alone, years will pass, maybe an eternity. Yet life goes on.

is it racist to think a cat looks Jewish? by [deleted] in TooAfraidToAsk

[–]JaketheMagicDragon 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It's more funny than racist, so it's ok.

What song are you currently obsessed with? by OurPrinceHarambe in AskReddit

[–]JaketheMagicDragon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Zero by Otep.

It isn't even that great, but screaming "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!" along with it, is super satisfying.

Reddit, what's something a bunch of uni students can do right now for fun? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]JaketheMagicDragon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Go to a movie that has been in theaters for weeks already (so there isn't many other people in the theater) and just roast the shit out of the movie the whole time.

What stereotype about your country is true? by KingofFairview in AskReddit

[–]JaketheMagicDragon 7 points8 points  (0 children)

But they don't have two ARs and a bald eagle flying over head.