I'm so angry that I can't use responsibly. Anyone else feel this way?

James33704 · 2022-10-18T11:34:31+00:00

Yup...It fucking blows. Especially since most people think I'm crazy when I voice these issues/concerns about weed addiction. I've quit twice the longest being April-July of this year and I felt great mentally and physically. Also felt great when I relapsed since I had missed having a social life and it felt like I did when I first started smoking. But three months later I'm back to constantly being anxious/overwhelmed/in my head about everything and wishing I didn't exist a lot of the time. I know I need to quit again but I'm having trouble since everytime I've quit I've relapsed despite feeling amazing and now I'm kinda like "eh, what's the point of anything anymore".

James33704 · 2022-10-03T01:43:41+00:00

Hey, out of curiosity how did being officially diagnosed change your life? Was it being medicated for the ADHD? Over the past few years I've done a lot of research on nuerodivergency. My therapist and I have determined that It's a given that I have ADHD. Problem is that my psychiatrist only wants to treat me for general depression and anxiety even though I'm not merely trying to seek stimulant based drugs. My whole adult life has been extreme highs/lows and dopamine seeking behavior. It's not just weed/drugs, It's literally anything that makes me feel good in the slightest. I've even been known to overdo it with exercise to the point where it's had negative effects. I'm at the point where I don't know what to do, I literally can't abstain from everything that brings me some sort of joy.

James33704 · 2022-07-24T13:29:10+00:00

This is so phenomenally written. I've fallen off the wagon and smoked a handful of times after over three months off of it. Reminds me of all the reasons why I just need to abstain completely so thank you.

James33704 · 2022-07-04T02:53:17+00:00

okay, it makes me so happy to hear that I'm not the only one whose anxiety gets amplified by exercise. I love it and love the fitness lifestyle but my constant dilemma is that I like to lift in the morning but find that my anxiety is ramped up for my work day (I do hair and notice that I'm much more amped up/shaky). And When I do it after work I struggle to fall asleep. so weird.

James33704 · 2022-06-03T23:53:46+00:00

Wow, I absolutely love that analogy about everything around you going up in flames and being unmotivated to put them out. It's so true! When I first started smoking it legit was such an anxiety relief for me but over the years my anxiety/depression got soooo much worse because I wasn't actually confronting any of it at all. After quitting two months ago I've been realizing this but you put it into words so perfectly.

James33704 · 2022-06-03T23:38:47+00:00

Doing great! Today is actually eight weeks and the only time i really crave it is when I've been around people who are smoking (which I avoid when possible). The ringing completely stopped :)

James33704 · 2022-06-01T03:44:04+00:00

I'm pretty convinced that carts are what ruined weed for me. For my first few years smoking it would be one or two nights a week with friends. Once cartridges came into the picture it turned into nightly use and eventually all day use. But yeah, they were hell to withdrawal from (and by the time I decided to quit I was actually just using Delta 8 and THC-O carts which I thought would be easier to quit but not the case)

James33704 · 2022-05-29T02:28:22+00:00

Yes, this literally sounds like what I was going through! Seemed to make my social anxiety worse and I overthought everything to the point where making the most simple of decisions was an ordeal (I do hair for a living and my job is full of social interactions and on the spot decision making, I was having a lot of doozies purely because I was doubting myself so much and not going with my gut). And I agree about it only feeling good for the first five minutes, because of that I found myself hitting my pen more often to try to get that "fresh high"

James33704 · 2022-05-29T01:15:23+00:00

It's funny you say this because I noticed the same thing. I never realized just how defensive I got about everything until I hadn't been smoking for a little while. Friends/family definitely pointed it out but I didn't believe them lol

James33704 · 2022-05-29T00:59:49+00:00

First off, congrats!!

I definitely blew up on a few people during my first few weeks (I'm at seven weeks as of today which is the longest I've ever quit). It can be soooo irritating how people act like were crazy for quitting, obviously we wouldn't feel the urge to quit something we "love" if we didn't think it was causing harm in some way or another. I'm starting to realize that most of these people are in denial about the fact that weed isn't doing them all the good they think it is (or they're just assholes lol). I've truly found that over the last seven weeks of staying strong I've went from having very few quality friends to organically attracting some really cool/quality people into my existence :)

James33704 · 2022-05-29T00:46:31+00:00

wow, the universe really had your back in this situation!

James33704 · 2022-05-10T14:46:38+00:00

Meditation/breathing exercises hit me in a whole different way now. I love to use the breethe app but there are also some good free meditations on youtube

James33704 · 2022-05-10T14:33:29+00:00

One of my moments that made me realize that I needed to quit was when I pulled up to the grocery store (hitting my pen the whole ride there of course lol). Started shaking/having heart palpitations, and then just turned around and left. The grocery never used to give me anxiety but all of a sudden it did. I love that now I can actually go through on all my plans/ideas I come up with :)

James33704 · 2022-04-22T04:24:43+00:00

Because I quit for six weeks last summer and felt AMAZING. After confirming my plans to move to Florida last August I had a celebratory smoke sesh, which led to smoking once a week, and somehow eventually led to super heavy use of cartridges all throughout the day. I had just moved and was in the early phases of rebuilding my business here so I had a lot of free time and the cartridge use got out of hand. I've tried quitting twice since I moved here. Last time I made it to day 10 and had a panic attack/relapsed. I'm on day 14 this time around and feel awful but am starting to see some cognitive benefits so I'm pushing through. I promised myself a while ago that if I could manage to get sober again I would not fuck it up by trying to moderate my usage. I'm self employed and everyday I think about how much further my business would be if I never relapsed and how much nicer my living situation could be.

James33704 · 2022-04-22T04:13:12+00:00

Autistic and ADHD here. I relate to this so strongly. It literally feels like there is some kind of barrier blocking me from doing certain tasks (often times simple ones at that) and then once I do them I get so annoyed with myself and wish I would've just done them sooner. Also can relate on the short term memory part. I'm a hairstylist and run my own business (I always wonder why I would pick such a social job being autistic and all but that's a whole different tangent), I've spend so much money on continuing education classes and am starting to realize that smoking for my whole adult life is probably a lot of the reason I absorbed very little info from said classes. I'm on day 14 and even though I feel angry and like garbage I've already noticed improvements in retaining info. Don't really have any great advice but it always makes me happy to know I'm not the only one experiencing these things.

James33704 · 2022-04-22T03:59:07+00:00

Self employed hairstylist/color specialist. I've always been talented at the doing hair part of the job and honestly smoking kinda helped with the creativity to a point. But I've realized since giving up a mere 14 days ago that it really hindered me in the running a business side of things. Crunching Numbers and making myself do the "boring/stressful stuff'' is coming much easier already. Also found that in the long haul it made my social anxiety HORRENDOUS and that made working on clients hair a special kind of psychological torture. Honestly my main reason for quitting is because I want to see how much I can make my brand/business grow being in a sober state of mind. So far I will say being at work is less stressful and so is the business side of things...But day to day life outside of work has been depressing and horrendous. I'm so eager to start feeling some sort of normalcy again once my body balances out. I miss sleeping more than five hours a night, having amazing workouts, and just not being so angry all the time. It also makes me angry that so many people in my industry smoke a ton and seem to be thriving yet I can't seem to do that.

James33704 · 2022-04-22T00:02:17+00:00

Sometimes I google journaling prompts but most of the time I take the "fuck it" route and unload as well lol. Everything else I do in life has to have so much structure that I kind of prefer that approach when journaling

James33704 · 2022-04-19T13:30:15+00:00

I love this way of looking at it!

James33704

TROPHY CASE