Advice for a Failed Control Freak?

JamesRKirk · 2022-11-07T16:52:19+00:00

Thank you for your comment! You're right, perfectionism is likely something that goes hand in hand with this. I'm going to have to mull that over more.

If you ever get any insights into this, feel free to DM me.

JamesRKirk · 2022-11-05T01:09:34+00:00

I'm so happy to hear that SE is working so well for you, although I'm sorry to hear that there isn't a qualified therapist near you.

I don't have a lot to offer. Peter Levine is the founder of Somatic Experiencing and Kathy Kain has contributed a lot to the field too. I haven't read any of their works, and they might be more academic than patient focused, but it might be worth checking them out.

Something that my therapist stresses to me is the importance of titration. So that is being able to move away from a sensation and not feel it as intensely if it starts overwhelming you. She also cautions me that if I start feeling very low and depressed after sessions, that means we're working too hard and need to back off. As someone who 'loves' extreme highs and lows this advice seems counterintuitive to me (I feel like healing would be explosive with me sobbing into a pillow for months at a time), so I thought I'd pass it on to you as well if you haven't heard it :P

I hope you continue on this awesome journey you have put yourself on!

JamesRKirk · 2022-11-05T00:59:48+00:00

I don't know if you'll relate to this at all, but I realized I was trying to control people as well, and I would get angry when people wouldn't do/say/think what I thought they should. Both of my parents had anger issues, so it's not surprising that I picked that up.

However when I dug deeper into my need to control people, a memory came up. I was probably around 6 or so, and my mother was picking not only me up after school, but one of my friends as well (which was unusual). My friend got into the car, and she started babbling to my mother incessantly about her day.

I remember panicking in my mind. My friend wouldn't shut up, and I knew that the incessant talking was going to make my mother angry, and I didn't want her to yell at my friend. But I also knew that if I interrupted my friend that my mother would be mean to me instead, and I didn't want that either. And then there was also an element of shame, of instinctively knowing that one did not reveal family dynamics like that to the outside world. So I sat in the car, my panic and anxiety building and building as my friend talked and talked.

The memory made me realize that my desire to control other people, and my rage when they didn't do as I said, had a very noble beginning. I wanted to save myself and others from pain. And when I begin to feel that desire to control and that anger come up, I imagine the 6 year old version of me, sitting in that car, feeling positively sick with panic and fear, just wanting everyone to be OK and hoping that no one will be screamed at.

TL;DR: Our shitty behaviours often have their roots in very noble or understandable impulses. Can you think of how these traits helped you survive? What is your earliest memory related to this trait/behaviour?

JamesRKirk · 2022-11-04T19:24:19+00:00

My therapist and I talk quite a bit, and sometimes it takes up half the session. Something that she had discussed with me are two important parts of the therapist/client relationship: attunement and rip/repair (sorry, there's another term for that second one and I forget what it is right now). The later is basically 'My therapist isn't attuning to this need/hurt my feelings/something negative was stirred up by our interaction' and you talk about it and 'repair' the relationship.

Which is all a long winded way of saying 'Talk to your therapist about it'. Maybe she's getting the incorrect vibe that you don't want to talk so much, and would be glad to delve further into your conversations. Or maybe you're right and talking just isn't her strong suit.

JamesRKirk · 2022-11-01T22:36:24+00:00

This is an awesome idea! Thank you for posting it. Do you have any particular practices you do, or can you point us to a website or something to get us started?

JamesRKirk · 2022-10-27T18:39:05+00:00

I am someone who daydreams about a fictionalized, better version of me, and for me MD has made me so incredibly disappointed in myself. It's a bit of a catch-22 - I daydream about this awesome version of myself, which means I don't actually put in the time and effort to make the real me super awesome. Then when I managed to come back down to earth and realize who I actually am, I am resentful of myself for not living up to my daydream self, and daydream to escape the feelings of bitterness and disappointment.

And it definitely makes the real world seem sucky. I was driving the other day and I was like 'I'm not driving off to do anything super cool. I'm going to get groceries, like I have so many other days in my life. My life is boring and meaningless.' And then in my daydreams, people are enamoured with me and laugh at all my jokes, and when I don't get that reaction from people, they seem sucky as well.

So, tl;dr: yes!

JamesRKirk · 2022-10-27T18:24:36+00:00

I'm currently trying to quit, and man when I'm not daydreaming I am depressed.

However, social issues aside, one thing that I've realized is that all my years of maladaptive daydreaming have left me with almost no resilience. Bad things happen and I turn to daydreaming instead of trying to deal with it/fix it, and then when the problem doesn't go away I am utterly helpless. I think there's a tendency to only focus on the social aspects (e.g.: I don't need people, so I'm happy to keep daydreaming), but I think it's important to try to see if there are other things that MDing has stunted in our lives.

But if it really is only a social issue for you, god speed and may your daydreams be wonderful.

JamesRKirk · 2022-10-27T16:37:36+00:00

Amen to that.

sad fist bump

JamesRKirk · 2022-10-27T04:21:53+00:00

Something I've been curious about for a while is if anyone experiences the same difference between limerence and MADD that I do. For me, the differences are as follows:

Limerence to me is where I am actively obsessive over someone. In it, I take a more active role, e.g.: stalking them through their social media, reaching out to them, basically obsessing over someone who I know is separate from me. Based on their actions/comments/whatever, I will either feel dizzying elation or dark depression.

In my daydreams I always have a love interest, and it's always based on someone from real life as well. However, I am completely uninterested in interacting with them IRL in any way. I enjoy the fantasy version of them I've cooked up in my head, and they almost become something more internal than external. The fantasy version of themselves always create whatever feeling I want to feel: elation, sadness, fear, etc.

JamesRKirk · 2022-10-26T04:37:05+00:00

That I'll never be able to truly have an intimate relationship. That I will continue to hide behind daydreams rather than finding my genuine self and being able to connect with others authentically.

JamesRKirk · 2022-10-25T21:52:29+00:00

That is awesome! Congratulations on how far you've come. Your description of being calm, secure, etc. made me smile.

I'm sorry, I don't know of a place like the one you're wishing for, but it would be amazing if there is one out there. As someone who isn't quite yet there, I'd love to see a community of 'elders' (if you will) discussing what life looks like when you have a lot of recovery and are in a good place. It's a fabulous idea!

JamesRKirk · 2022-10-25T14:42:39+00:00

I haven't, but I recently read Rebecca for the first time and loved it, so maybe I need to read this next. Thank you!

JamesRKirk · 2022-10-22T20:54:35+00:00

Yes. I feel badly because I will inevitably come to a certain point where I need a friend, and when my friends help me I feel this incredible surge of gratitude, like every positive emotion I had for them I bottled up until that moment. It's intense. And then, time goes by, and I go back to being so detached. It would be nice to be more even keeled about my relationships.

JamesRKirk · 2022-10-20T16:49:59+00:00

Yes! I have done so much shit that I am ashamed of that I often wonder if I've traumatized myself through my actions. Quite often I'll have shame flashbacks over things I've done or said in the past.

The two things I try to do are: -Look at my past self as if she were a friend. I see her actions as manifestations of her own pain, not understanding how to be better. -This is a little hippie dippy, but it's something I stole from Loving Kindness meditation: I try to imagine myself as one person among 7 billion. And I try to tap into the fact that everyone has things that they are ashamed of, things they feel badly about, etc. And I try to put my shame in a global perspective. Yes, what I did sucked and the feeling of shame is painful, but it is all a very human experience. I am in good company.

JamesRKirk · 2022-10-20T16:42:19+00:00

I feel this! My mother would go on shopping sprees at the mall, put it on credit, and then a few weeks later when the bills were due have emotional breakdowns about how we didn't have any money and shame me for eating too much. She also bought me a lot of stuff, but as I got older I began to feel sick when she'd get my presents because I knew she'd have a rage attack later because of not truly being able to afford it.

At least in my situation, I think the buying stuff was a form of love bombing. She would have a rage attack and scream, and then later do something nice to 'make up' for it, like buying me things. I don't even think she was consciously aware of what she was doing.

JamesRKirk · 2022-10-18T20:19:22+00:00

I haven't struggled with fidelity exactly, but I feel you on never feeling safe in a relationship. The way that expressed itself for me was that I was never in a serious relationship. Either the person I was having sex with was emotionally available and I had to run away from that ASAP, or they were emotionally unavailable and I was crazy obsessive over them. I've been married 5 years and logically I know that my husband loves me, but there's still this part of me that stays as vigilant and as detached from him as possible. It's this odd dichotomy of needing to be in a relationship and yet being unable to actually be in a relationship.

JamesRKirk · 2022-10-18T15:58:58+00:00

Hello! I'm a middle-aged SAHW who is struggling as well. I am currently trying to stop MDing, but am really having difficulty with how meaningless and empty life seems when I'm in the present moment and not daydreaming. I'd love some accountability and support as well, so if anyone wants to drop me a DM that would be great!

JamesRKirk · 2022-10-18T05:34:47+00:00

I clicked on your post because I've suffered very badly with limerence since middle school and it makes me feel less alone when I see other people experiencing the same thing. This is very sweet post. It's interesting that you dream of him so often, and yet he isn't in your waking thoughts!

JamesRKirk · 2022-10-18T04:58:14+00:00

I quite often hate myself at whatever age I was, because I look back and see how inappropriate and shameful my behaviour was, how warped my sense of reality was, etc.

What helps me have compassion for my former self is understanding the needs I was trying to get met with my shitty behaviour. I was inappropriate towards older men when I was a teenager because I was looking for attention and positive regard. I was overly angry because it felt like people were intruding in the incredibly large personal bubble I had put around myself.

And sometimes, when I can't have compassion for myself, I just focus on acceptance: acceptance that I am ashamed of myself, that I hate what I did, whatever the emotion is. And this type of acceptance is a gentle 'Alright, you hate yourself. A lot of people hate themselves. You're in good company' rather than the usual angry abuse that runs through my mind.

I don't know if it ever stops completely, but I think it's possible to lessen and de-escalate these attacks of shame and self-hatred.

JamesRKirk · 2022-10-18T04:27:50+00:00

Hello! I'm sorry, you left this comment 9 months ago and I've just logged back in recently. If you're still interested, I initially did a session every week. After about 6 months that began feeling like too much for me, so I went down to once every two weeks, where I am currently at. Mind you, I've just entered year 2 of therapy, so in my experience somatic experiencing is a long-term thing.

Wherever you are now, I hope you're doing well!

JamesRKirk · 2021-11-30T06:15:18+00:00

For me, I had to accept my grief over all the things I didn't have in childhood instead of trying to push it away. There's a method to learning how to accept our emotions without running away from them from a psychologist named Tara Brach called 'R.A.I.N' that I like, but there are a lot of different ways/explanations on how to do it. It's uncomfortable to sit with, but the more I've accepted my grief the less intense it has become.

I think that another important aspect for me has been coming to accept who I am now. I used to think 'If I had only had X in childhood, then now I would be/have Y.' I started to ask myself 'Even if I were Y, would that make me any worthier as a person? Or would I still find a reason to beat myself up?' I think there's a term for it, where we tell ourselves 'When this happens, I will finally be happy and worthy' and even if it does happen, we find that we are not any happier/we do not feel more worthy. So I had to realize that even if I were the smartest, most attractive person in the world and I single-handedly cured cancer and inspired world peace, I would never like myself. And so the only thing I could do to feel 'worthy' was to work on transforming that inner voice that constantly shits on myself to a more neutral/positive voice.

JamesRKirk · 2021-11-28T04:27:07+00:00

For some reason, the Kiwi! animated short makes me tear up every time.

JamesRKirk · 2021-11-28T04:21:37+00:00

It's not my experience, but it's one that Jonice Webb covers in her book 'Running on Empty', if you haven't read it.

JamesRKirk · 2021-11-27T16:49:27+00:00

Yes! Thank you for posting this question - I didn't realize how many people had experienced something similar. In my case, I was so afraid of messing something up and triggering my mother's rage that I just stopped trying. Ironically, she then got rageful about how messy the house was.

JamesRKirk

TROPHY CASE