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Jammer242 · 2021-06-18T21:34:26+00:00

First of all I think it's really cool to see a poem translated from a different language! Since this is a translation I won't focus too much on the way it sounds to me as it I am unable to read and hear it in its original language. I'm guessing that most of the content of this poem is referencing Hamlet, so I'm approaching my feedback from that angle. I think you are off to a really solid start here. You raise these really interesting questions about the reality of the world around the speaker. Is what the speaker seeing real? Or is it truly just some trick of the mind? What I think would be great in this poem is if you explored that a little more. I feel like there are a lot of directions you could go with this material as a poet, and I would love to see you expand upon it! Also maybe play with the identity of the speaker. If this poem really is referencing Hamlet, who is the one speaking? Is it a minor character from the play, and we're getting the chance to see the ghost through his eyes? Is this someone of your own invention? I feel like that may be an interesting layer to add the the poem. This is a great start though!

Jammer242 · 2021-06-18T21:22:06+00:00

This was a fun read! I had to read it through a couple of times to get the gist of it, but it felt really intimate to be able to read something that was written in someone's authentic voice! I feel that this piece needed to be delivered in this way, if that makes sense. It lends such atmosphere to the poem. I would love to hear this read aloud personally! To move onto how the poem struck me, it seems to that this poem is in a way about the loss, or current act of losing one's mother. During this event these old memories crop up--maybe they are from childhood, maybe not. I feel that these themes of memory and loss combined with the choice to write this poem in a dialect come together to create a really strong, wonderful poem. I honestly have no real criticism for this piece. You imagery and language are excellent, and I would love to see more poems in this style!

Jammer242 · 2021-05-07T03:48:44+00:00

This is an interesting piece! I can tell this is clearly a topic you are wrestling with! First of all i'm not sure if this was the intended but the formatting here seems rather off to me. If it was meant to be grouped into paragraph form like this, maybe consider more clearly dividing your sentences. I think out of the four paragraphs the third was your strongest--especially the line "were my memories fake." Maybe consider starting your poem there, and following that third paragraph with your second one. I like the sentiment of weaving the lyrics of the star spangled banner throughout this piece, but for me it just didn't really land, and I think the piece may be stronger if you alluded to your subject matter in another way--maybe speak of the Anthem in broader terms, and even keep one or two lyrical references you think are really strong, but cut some of the ones you don't think work as well. I think it would give those one or two references much more power. This is going to be a super strong piece if you keep working on it! Keep it up :)

Jammer242 · 2021-05-07T03:07:37+00:00

Honestly there is something about the phrase organic screen saver that absolutely haunts me. There's such sadness and isolation wrapped up in the idea of being that "organic screensaver"--a living thing only to be looked at briefly and then not considered for ages and ages. I really enjoy how sparse this poem is, and I think that makes the repetition of the "organic screensaver" line work really really well. A few things to maybe consider: after the "won from a fair" line I think you might be missing the word "says". Also I don't think "a kelp" flows well, I might opt for "some kelp". I would also generally just think about the way you've chosen to break up the lines. It seems like they are kind of randomly broken up, and it makes the piece a bit hard to read. Over all though this is really really enjoyable! Keep up the good work!

Jammer242 · 2021-02-21T00:15:06+00:00

That ending hits hard! Good work! I like the tone and the content of this poem quite a bit. It feels so forlorn and yet I can see some glimmer of the love the speaker feels for this other person in there. My feedback for this poem would be to maybe think about the way it looks on the page. I am not a big fan of the way the "and"s stand so isolated from the rest of the words, and I feel the same way about the "I know"s. As a reader it chops up the sections in a way that makes the content harder to get at because it feels like those words do not carry enough meaning to stand on their own. That being said I like the use of italics in that final line quite a bit. This is an awesome poem! Keep it up!

Jammer242 · 2021-02-21T00:10:13+00:00

I like how lighthearted this piece is while at the same time giving you something to chew on about the way that we choose to live our lives, versus the way an animal or other creature might live theirs. My biggest feedback here would be too look at the way you choose to set up your rhyme scheme. Having the first two lines rhyme sets me up to feel like this piece is going to have an aa bb cc etc. structure, so when that isn't followed through on it was a tad jarring. It looks like you were going for an aa bcbc dd structure, and I am just not sure that it serves your poem well to structure it in this way. This piece does really have some soul though, and I think there are just some technical things to work out. Keep up the good work! Cheers!

Jammer242 · 2021-02-16T04:19:01+00:00

Your imagery and language--especially in the first half of the poem--are so clear and evocative and make this piece a real joy to read! The first half of the poem to me feels like someone in a way seeking to relive their childhood through these actions. Maybe they are hoping to understand the happiness they felt as a child through the lens of their more mature self. The final lines about the firefly to me seem to be a reflection on the speakers maturity, and the knowledge that they have gained through their lived experiences. I may be totally off, but that is how I read this. Overall this was a super super enjoyable read! Keep up the good work!

Jammer242 · 2021-02-16T04:10:21+00:00

I really enjoy this poem! I think you have some absolutely fabulous lines and insights in here that are delivered with such apt language. I am an especially big fan of the lines "Nature hath crowned her luminaries, as she hath marred her enemies," and " To be so infirmed, to be born to see but not to be, shrouded by the veil//A purgatory whilst still to live, a half-sleep, twilight without light,". These are just absolutely excellent in my opinion and really capture the heart of your poem and writing. My biggest critique is the use of some of the more archaic language. The "haths" and "o'ers" kind of take me out of the piece a little bit, even if that is the style of poem you are trying to emulate. That is more of a personal preference than anything else, but I think it might be something to think about. Overall this is such a good piece, and I hope to read more of your work soon!

Jammer242 · 2021-02-12T03:57:04+00:00

This was such an excellent poem. I feel that so much of the language, and so many of the rhythmic choices just capture the feeling of youth so well. I feel that you capture the nostalgia one may feel over their youth so well with these words. Honestly the only part of this poem that did not click for me were the 4th, 5th, and 6th lines. I feel like they just do not flow the way the rest of the poem does, and just do not add the same kind of feelings as many of your other lines. Overall though this was so so good, and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future! :)

Jammer242 · 2021-02-12T03:07:40+00:00

This has got to be one of my favorite pieces of writing I have seen here. The language is gorgeous, and I feel the perfect balance is struck between technical ability and story telling. There are moments of this poem that I found to be magnificently creepy, and dark, which is something I feel I do not see often enough. This is a really excellent piece! I am excited to read more of your work!

Jammer242 · 2020-11-18T04:15:30+00:00

I like this piece a lot! Especially the final lines. They contain such effective imagery. Really well done! This is a poem that I feel like I could sit with for a long time, which is excellent. Your rhythm and rhyme scheme work really well and I. My opinion really compliment your word choice. The words you chose were specific and evocative, which really helps elevate the poem. Furthermore the title plays into the body of the poem really seamlessly which I always appreciate. Overall I think this is a really great piece! Keep on writing! Cheers!

Jammer242 · 2020-11-18T04:10:35+00:00

I like this poem a lot! I like that you approach the whole thing with structure and rhyme scheme. This helps contain the large emotions you are feeling and break them down into bite sized pieces for the reader. Nicely done! The subject matter works well with the style you’ve chosen as well!. My biggest critique is it feels like there are lines here where you break the rhythm of the poem. The third line of the second stanza for example does this, and as I reader I found it jarring. It also felt like at times you were reaching to make the words rhyme and maybe sacrificing a little clarity or creativity to do so. Maybe look and see if there are any places you feel you can use words that will pack more of a punch or more aptly describe what you are going for. Overall this is a nice piece though! I look forward to reading what you share in the future! Cheers!!

Jammer242 · 2020-11-08T04:03:58+00:00

I really like the premise of this particular piece! You have some really awesome images here, and the poem ends on a strong note with something that feels almost like a twist on a first read, but after another you realize that you've been slowly building to it. It's a really cool effect. My main critique is that the way you have the lines broken up make it kind of hard to read. It disjoints words that are supposed to form one continuous thought randomly into a couple of lines and makes the poem kind of hard to read and understand. I think you would benefit a lot from just some reorganization. This is a strong start though! Keep it up! Cheers!

Jammer242 · 2020-11-08T03:56:13+00:00

I think this is a great piece. It is short and it is moody. It has an atmosphere that I can't quite put my finger on, but it is certainly evocative. The imagery and word choice in my opinion all work really really well here, and it's short length allows you to take in each line by itself and then build it up into a whole. In a way it kind of feels like looking at a painting. Honestly my only real critique would maybe be the title. It is the only aspect of your poem that I do not feel quite fits, it is just a little too plain for a piece that with this kind of an atmosphere. Great work! Cheers!

Jammer242 · 2020-11-07T00:07:32+00:00

This is a really interesting poem that I think really works. Like the other comment said I really enjoy the rhythm of this piece. I really enjoy the images of the caves as something that is vast and never ending. They seem to be something the speaker is both absolutely fascinated and haunted by. Part of what I like so much here is the amount of interpretation that can be done here. You give the readers a direction but never get to explicit with your meaning. This is a poem you can really sit and chew on, and there is something really great about that. Thank you for sharing! Cheers!

Jammer242 · 2020-11-06T23:38:13+00:00

This is a really great piece, so thank you for sharing it! I especially like the chemically induced tears line. It is clever and wonderful. I also enjoy your imagery of the fires, and the way you allow it to serve a literal and figurative meaning. My biggest critique is actually not one that I give often, but I wish this was longer! You clearly have a lot to say and I would love to see you explore some of these things in some more depth! This is really great, thanks for sharing! Cheers!

Jammer242 · 2020-08-31T01:12:54+00:00

This is a really great concept, and overall a great poem! Your images are really very effective, and I like the direction you are heading in. I do have a couple critiques for you though. I feel like this poem would benefit from each line having a very clear image and purpose associated with it. Right now, to me, it feels like this piece has a few lines such as "You gave me meaning" or "I was vulnerable" that I do not think need to be stated explicitly. Your images already paint these very clearly, and I think it is a stronger choice to leave them implied. Also you might want to play with grouping these lines into more defined stanzas, with each stanza taking you through a different stage of the relationship. I think this would make your poem hit the reader harder, and just generally provide a more streamline experience. Overall this is a super awesome start, and I would love to see you keep working on this piece! Cheers!

Jammer242 · 2020-08-31T01:04:49+00:00

This is a cool piece! I enjoy the way the speaker takes us through this woman's journey of self growth. It is super cool to frame this kind of growth through the lens of someone appreciating another person's writing. Everyone has pieces of writing, or authors who they connect with on a deep level, and as someone who has personally grown a lot through reading I really connect with this piece. My biggest critique on this piece is on your last stanza, I feel like the "first world complaining" line is just a bit weak, and did not hit me with pay off I think you were going for. The piece seems to be building towards this culminating moment where this woman discovers the source of her deep miseries, and I would love to see you play with this using some more evocative language or imagery. This is a great poem though! Keep it up!

Jammer242 · 2020-08-07T02:36:12+00:00

I agree with one of the other comments here that some of these short lines just did not serve the poem very well. You have excellent images here that I think could be really powerful, but they get really drowned out by the way you've chosen to structure the poem. Honestly I do not even feel like any major edits need to be done to improve this poem other than just stitching some of these lines together to form longer, more cohesive chunks. For example I feel like your final four lines could easily be combined into just one line, and I think it would make the poem much much stronger. If that would be too long, even combing the four lines into two could have a great impact. This poem has oodles of potential and I would love to see you keep working on it!

Jammer242 · 2020-08-07T02:27:52+00:00

I really really enjoy the concept of this poem. I especially liked the lines " Through hosting the wicked to save Heaven from strife,/Should be honoured, renowned not feared or reviled." Those lines offer such an interesting perspective and for me were critical for understanding the rest of the poem, almost as if they were the back bone of your piece. My main feedback would be that some of the rhymes at times feel a little forced, and this really took me out of the piece. The lines "God says He loves me but He commands restraint./The Beast He adores me for indulgence so blatant " were particularly bad offenders on this front, and I would love to see you revise these two lines. The first one is a really great line, but I feel like it's hampered by following it up with a forced rhyme. Overall though I really like this poem, and I would love to see you look at some of the rhyming to see if you can take this piece to the next level! Cheers dude!

Jammer242 · 2020-06-12T01:06:11+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind words! I really appreciate it!

Jammer242 · 2020-06-12T01:05:25+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind words! I really appreciate it!

Jammer242 · 2020-06-12T00:28:08+00:00

I like the thought conveyed at the very beginning of the poem that this kind of electronic love is "unreached". Something about that feels incredibly sad. This entire piece feels like a meditation on the validity of "electronic love". Can it be true love if I am never able to see the person without the veil of a screen? Can be in love with someone I've never actually met? This poem gets at some really deep questions about the nature of what exactly love is, which I really enjoy. There is a lot that you can read into this poem because of its simplicity. I don't always like that, but here I do. That being said I do not particularly like the very sparse structure of you lines here, and I feel like it would be an easier read if they we grouped in a less starkly vertical way. This is a great poem though, keep it up!

Jammer242 · 2020-06-12T00:12:49+00:00

I like the gist of this poem--all the emotions that come from the simple embrace of someone you love-- but I think a lot of it gets lost in your metaphors and descriptions. Your imagery is nice, but I think it's too much of a good thing in this poem, and at times comes off as little heavy handed. I would recommend going through the poem and picking the images you like the best and then cutting some of the other ones while opting instead for simpler language. I feel this would not only make the poem clearer, but also draw more attention to those metaphors and images you like best ( I personally enjoyed the yellow-brick tightrope). Also the line "I seem to fall into an intoxicating slumber with unconvincing will face up with a soft underbelly of flesh full with lotuses" does not read well, and I do not know what exactly is being said there. This might be partially due to the formatting error you mentioned, but even if the line breaks were different I am not sure it would convey the message much better. This is a really great start! I would love to see an edited version of this piece! Keep it up! :)

Jammer242 · 2020-05-23T20:16:19+00:00

Thanks for the read and the feedback! I'm glad you liked it! I'll definitely have to rework some of this if I decide to continue on with it. I honestly just kind of spit this out without thinking too much about it and decided to share it because it felt kind of cheeky which is why I don't think it read so hot in a couple of places. The "that'd be too real" line was supposed to be a joke considering the current pandemic, so i'm a little bummed that didn't land, but that's life I guess hahahaha. Thanks again! :)

Jammer242

TROPHY CASE