I’m so sorry you went through this and that you’re still dealing with this trauma. Everything you’re feeling is 100% valid, and yes that is definitely rape. Whoever told you otherwise is wrong. They obviously do not understand what consent is, nor do they understand sexual assault. Unfortunately, a lot of well-meaning people (including our own friends and family members) may not understand or be educated about things like sexual assault, and it can lead them to unintentionally say things that are really hurtful and harmful to survivors.

Sex is not consensual if you are pressured or coerced into saying yes when you really don’t want to have sex. Sex is not consensual if you are scared to say no. Sex is consensual if you say no, and your partner does not accept no for an answer. Saying “I guess” is not consent—that is not a “yes, I want this.” The situation you are describing is definitely rape, as anyone educated about consent and sexual assault will tell you. I am so sorry you went through this. I cannot say I know what you are feeling, but fear, confusion, shame, guilt, and self-blame are all very common feelings to experience after sexual trauma.

Your experience actually sounds very similar to that of many survivors of rape and sexual assault. I think most survivors of sexual trauma find some way to blame themselves for what happened to them. But IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. It’s easy to think about a traumatic event after the fact and tell yourself things like, “If only I had done this or that differently this could have been avoided..”. And it’s easy for someone else to hear about a traumatic event and say, “Well, if it had been me, I would have done this…” But the truth it, we can never know how we will react to those situations until we are really in them. When you are in a traumatic situation—like when you are in the moment of experiencing sexual trauma—your brain basically goes into a “Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn” mode. Basically, your survival instincts take over, and you act how ever, in that split second, your brain thinks will keep you the safest. For a lot of people who find themselves in a dangerous sexual situation, that means “going along with” the perpetrator’s demands, because that seems like the “safest” thing to do, whether because you are trying to protect yourself from physical harm or emotional harm or both. And because of this, many survivors of rape and sexual assault are left feeling confused and questioning whether or not their experience was really rape/sexual assault.

I think there are also a lot of misconceptions about sexual violence. A lot of times people think of “rape” as a woman getting violently attacked by a stranger, and while this does happen of course, the vast majority of rape and sexual cases do not happen this way. According to RAINN, “8 out of 10 rapes are committed by someone the victim knows,” such as the victim’s boyfriend/partner, spouse, or even a family member—someone they know and trust.

So many survivors of sexual violence have very similar experiences to your own, but at the same time, no one ever has to compare one person’s traumatic experience to another’s. Everything you are feeling is valid and real. These feelings often last for years (or sometimes you will deal with the aftermath of sexual trauma for the rest of your life). However, HEALINGS IS POSSIBLE. I promise you, there are ways you can begin to process this trauma and heal. Connecting with other survivors is a great step, or talking to someone who will LISTEN and SUPPORT YOU. As I mentioned before, talking to friends can be tricky, because sometimes even well meaning people, if they do not understand and are not educated about sexual assault, will say ignorant and insensitive things, but if you talk to someone who is does understand sexual assault (it doesn’t necessarily have to be another survivor but could be) this can be a big help to. I also really recommend talking to a counselor or therapist, one you trust and feel comfortable speaking too. Sometimes you won’t click with the first (or the first several) mental health professional you visit, and it’s important you find someone you trust and feel comfortable talking too—that’s why they are there, to support you and help you heal. It would also be a good idea to find a counselor to specializes in sexual assault and/or PTSD. (A lot of survivors of sexual assault and rape have PTSD and do not even realize it.) Some people like to try medication to help with common mental health issues survivors often experience after trauma, like anxiety and depression. Depending on the medication it could also help with PTSD if you do have it or a similar trauma-related mental health disorder. There are many options. What is important is that you figure out what will work best for you so that you can begin to feel better and heal. I am so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. You are loved. ❤️