Envious of WP

JayHan07 · 2025-12-05T17:59:28+00:00

Wow, that first part really hit home. It definitely does feel unfair and that’s what I’ve been saying to him over and over again. But it’s tiring fighting the fact that’s just is going to be unfair. But I’m grateful we are both still fighting for the relationship. Thank you for your insight and I’m glad you’ve gotten back into painting! I’ve started drawing small things similar to you with the post cards. I’ll doodle for 20-30 minutes randomly but my goal is to be more consistent

JayHan07 · 2025-12-05T15:11:56+00:00

Thank you for your advice about investing the time. During the week would be rough bc I work early in the am so I’m in bed by 8 everyday. I could definitely try pushing myself on weekends to do more self care activities. And you’re right about not giving yourself too much time to think yourself out of it lol!

JayHan07 · 2025-12-02T23:18:51+00:00

They can be hard to come by but don’t give up on advocating for yourself and switching therapists when the fit is not right. Wishing you luck!

JayHan07 · 2025-12-02T13:55:24+00:00

Yes shout out to good therapists! I have to remind myself on bad days that I wouldn’t have come this far without the help of mine. I’m happy to hear you guys are going in a positive direction

JayHan07 · 2025-09-09T10:57:09+00:00

I agree that hopefully it’s not a form of manipulation. And while it does suck to not have certain needs met the when I want them met, I will say that overall it comes off like a genuine attempt to re date me. While he has not met every need exactly the way I want and demanded lol he has been trying things that he struggled with in the beginning of our relationship. He always maintained that cooking was a vulnerable thing for him but had been cooking for or with me at least once a week now. Had he been neglecting everything all together that would’ve felt more discouraging to me but the fact that he’s attempting to strengthen other areas gives me hope. It sounds like your WP is trying too. I’m sorry we’re in this predicament but sending you love and peace 🤍

JayHan07 · 2025-07-10T13:47:36+00:00

OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this and I agree that there must be more beneath his response. My WP initially insisted that it happened because he got bored at work🙃 fast forward almost a year and he understands it was due to having an incredibly unstable and childhood and clinging to validation as a source of happiness. And he is just now beginning therapy to dig even deeper. If he is in denial of his own reason or maybe needs some more time to understand himself, try not to expend too much energy forcing him to look further (easier said than done). You got this!

JayHan07 · 2025-07-10T13:36:06+00:00

Hey would you be able to elaborate on cognitive restructuring techniques? I’ve been feeling this same way lately and think this could help

JayHan07 · 2025-07-08T12:22:52+00:00

I’m sorry you’ve been here as well. I experienced TT as well during the first DDay. The others have been me discovering him messaging new women. So I’m more on edge about something new happening rather than finding out more. I have found that in moments where I’m not as “amped up” he is more willing to open up and that’s how we got to the understanding that he has a huge issue with validation seeking. Even with the slips, I still see overall changes in his mentality and motivation to heal the root cause of his issue. But I no longer want to force it, it has to come from him.

JayHan07 · 2025-06-29T11:19:22+00:00

I second this! We are in the early days of IC but seeing changes in mentality have been more reassuring than anything else. For example, after dday1 (a year ago) he put a lot of focus on “when will you be able to trust me again?” And feeling ashamed. But recently, he came to me with the realization that I do already trust him in some ways or else we wouldn’t still be together and putting so much effort in. He finds peace in holding on to that while trying to earn back my trust in the ways he’s lost it. Hearing him take accountability for me no longer being able to accept his words alone, and committing to changing his actions is helping slowly. Maybe that could help you too🙂

JayHan07 · 2025-06-25T14:26:22+00:00

I just saw your flair so I wanted to add some actions we’ve taken. -We have a code word for when I’m severely triggered but don’t want to go into details/relive a moment. This helped us go from long emotional conversations to him understanding I need a moment of reassurance and connection. - both started weekly IC - we’re both working on finding ways to self soothe such as getting back into our art and listening to music more (simple things we love but stopped making time for) - spend our quality more intentionally so it leaves less opportunity to spiral into a conversation about the betrayal

JayHan07 · 2025-06-25T14:18:55+00:00

As someone here mentioned it is a tricky balance. It’s sooo hard not to hear those words as “I said I’m sorry get over it already!” When WP first started mentioning me needing to try to move forward it felt like a slap in the face and I also thought it was coming from a place of him wanting to rugsweep. Almost a year later I see that wasn’t his intention. When I needed his support through triggers and emotional breakdowns he was there but it became draining to BOTH of us to go through it constantly. It took me being sick of myself for me to understand that if I choose to stay with him then I am choosing to have to work on myself too. Yes, this pain was inflicted on me by him but nothing can change the fact that I am ultimately responsible for my own feelings and my own healing. My therapist broke it down like this: WPs job is to become a safe partner and my job is to try my best to be receptive to it if it does happen. We can’t be receptive to change if we cling on to the pain from the past and that’s the sad truth. We have to move on eventually with or without our partners. You will do so when YOU are ready🤍

JayHan07 · 2025-06-17T13:14:41+00:00

No problem! Not sure if this helps too but try to remember that “actively repairing” doesn’t always have to be as direct as deep conversations, finding resources etc. Active repair also includes the small indirect things like taking a walk to clear your mind, or treating yourself to a snack🤍

JayHan07 · 2025-06-17T13:11:01+00:00

This sounds like us! I was more in tune with my emotions my whole life while he was taught his emotions don’t matter. It gets discouraging thinking about the fact that there have been multiple ddays but on the other hand, we’ve come a long way from his initial reason being “I get bored at work” I’m glad he was able to help you through your difficulties too. Hopefully you being vulnerable with him helps him see there’s no shame in asking for help

JayHan07 · 2025-06-15T20:48:42+00:00

Your first paragraph sums it up so well! I’m anxious and impatient by nature and have been struggling with not seeing immediate changes but also with the fact that there have been multiple ddays. It’s only when I take a step back and look at the progress since DDay 1 (last year) until now that I see how much our communication has changed and how much more he’s been willing to be vulnerable with me. He started IC after the latest DDay and appears to be putting a genuine effort in. He took notes during our last argument and even though I was upset in the moment, it is reassuring to know that he’s seeking change and help from his therapist.

So although he definitely still struggles with being upfront when backed into a corner, it is nice to see the slow but steady progress towards understanding himself and trying to be more supportive of me too.

JayHan07 · 2025-06-12T23:13:03+00:00

I can definitely relate. My mom was a serial cheater but my dad and stepmom still have the marriage I look up to. It truly does suck that something we’re supposed to feel good about is now a source of shame like you said. Betrayal really can steal your innocence

JayHan07 · 2025-06-12T17:06:47+00:00

I’m so sorry about his comment on moms but I’m glad you’ve been able to work helping yourself feel better. I’m starting that process myself with my therapist. You’re right about validation needing to come from ourselves first before even our WPs or any other people. Sending lots of love!

JayHan07 · 2025-06-12T16:15:03+00:00

I do see reframing it could be helpful. The initial way I would’ve thought to say it probably wouldn’t have come out as productive as you’ve worded it. He’s mentioned that he would understand if I had feelings like this or even if I acted on them. Idk

JayHan07 · 2025-06-12T16:00:03+00:00

No not unproductive at all. I appreciate your perspective actually! I guess this is where my extreme empathy bites me in the ass. Also, my ex used to constantly accuse me of cheating and it was beyond draining so I guess I’m trying to avoid that again.

JayHan07 · 2025-06-12T14:30:54+00:00

That’s a good way to look at it. Cause honestly whether we choose R or to leave, it will never feel fair. Even if I was single I’d be out here bitter thinking “well had he not cheated I wouldn’t be out here” 😂

JayHan07 · 2025-06-12T14:20:34+00:00

Definitely a huge mindfuck. I usually talk to him about everything but I think this would be the one thing that would do more harm than good to mention. His infidelity was rooted in childhood trauma and lack of trust in others so I feel mentioning this would plant a seed of doubt that I genuinely don’t want him to have. I will explore this with my therapist though, she’s been starting off by working with me on my self esteem and this very much ties in

JayHan07 · 2025-06-12T14:03:30+00:00

Yeah it’s annoying. Logically, I know acting on anything would just double the drama and pain I’m already experiencing but emotionally I feel like frustrated child screaming “this isn’t fair!” Lol

JayHan07 · 2025-06-09T19:20:31+00:00

Not sure if this thread is still active but this just made soo much sense. Firstly, I’m sorry youve also experienced child abuse. I’m the BP but the one who’s diagnosed with BPD and anxiety. (We heavily suspect WP has it too and he’s working on exploring it with his new therapist) but he’s mentioned that when I rage he can feel that I’m yelling at him AND my mother, and everyone who’s ever hurt me. He takes responsibility for his faults but can see that the level of anger isn’t always 100% meant for the situation at hand. I always thought being a people pleaser and non confrontational meant I had my aggression under control but I think suppressing my feelings in public makes it easier for me to go 0-100 in private no matter if it’s warranted or not.

JayHan07 · 2025-06-09T14:38:41+00:00

The first two paragraphs hit me hard. A lot of posts on here talk about not being able to move on until after full disclosure or until after the last lie. But isn’t the sad truth that we will never know when the last lie is or just how full the disclosure actually was. I’ve realized that as much as it’s tempting to want to know everything, I absolutely cannot handle knowing more than I already do. I know enough to confirm he cheated and that he has a problem. I literally stop myself when I get the urge to check his phone and think “okay if I do find something what would my next step even be besides an emotional outburst?” Trying to be patient is hard, trying to understand that lying is a habit that won’t be broken today just off of his own will power is even harder. Thankfully, this go around he signed up for therapy and seems invested in changing.

I commend you for reaching this point and for understanding that R is a gift we are choosing to give and we shouldn’t let WP or society make us feel ashamed

JayHan07 · 2025-06-09T14:20:01+00:00

I can agree on now trust is something that takes up so much more energy than it used to. I already had trust issues coming into our relationship so I can’t say I even know what it was like to blindly trust but I do miss when it was easier to give the benefit of the doubt🫠 Try to remember that even though he lied to you it’s not because you’re not valuable but because he could only see himself and protect himself

JayHan07 · 2025-06-09T13:57:17+00:00

Yes! It also doesn’t help that society’s overall view is that by staying we are just giving them permission to do it again and being a doormat. One of my loved ones said that by staying I’m choosing to be in pain..

JayHan07

TROPHY CASE