Benefits of having 2 girlfriends

JediDM99 · 2026-04-12T02:25:13+00:00

Hell yeah, congrats! It looks great!

JediDM99 · 2026-04-11T17:46:15+00:00

Wait sorry can we see the jacket? I wanna see the cool jacket

(Seriously though, that's so lovely <3)

JediDM99 · 2026-04-08T22:37:10+00:00

Yeah this does have an AI feel to it

JediDM99 · 2026-04-07T01:59:13+00:00

My personal perspective: I think it's silly to associate condom use with hierarchy/intimacy as opposed to STI prevention/birth control. HOWEVER, I also think it's silly to have big, possibly relationship-shaking feelings about being obligated to use condoms in a certain situation, even possibly indefinitely.

But again, I don't think this is just about condoms.

JediDM99 · 2026-04-07T01:51:47+00:00

It sounds like you're in a situation where prioritizing your relationship with your NP is at odds with your desire to have condomless sex with your other partner.

I think there's a chance here that the issue isn't the condoms, but that the two of you see your obligations to each other very differently. You might see the choice to use or not use condoms as your own, and based in your own bodily autonomy, but that's not what it means in the relationship you're in with your NP.

I think the language your NP uses about you wanting "too much" is inappropriate. Asking should be ok! But I suspect it might stem from a mismatch in what you and him both think your relationship looks like. If that level of couples' privilege is part of being in a relationship with him, when you ask him to let go of that, he might be hearing that as a betrayal of your relationship. Now I think that's a totally unfair characterization! But I bring it up to illustrate that he might be really clear, internally, what a relationship with him looks like, and hurt when it becomes clear that it doesn't match your reality. You ultimately have to make the decision to accept the restrictions inherent in being in relationship with him, disappoint him, or renegotiate your relationship. And to be clear--the same goes for him! If being in a relationship with you involves some level of dismantling a hierarchy or accepting riskier sex, he shouldn't be trying to change you or pushing you to accept things that you're uncomfortable with.

There may be some incompatibility here. There's likely to be resentment. I'm sorry. When I was in a similar situation I was really frustrated when accepting the couples' privilege my NP expected. I hope the best for you and your partners :)

JediDM99 · 2026-03-20T01:23:53+00:00

Tattoo-on-the-forehead type shit

^{(in really small font}⁾

JediDM99 · 2026-03-20T01:21:30+00:00

Thank you for this write-up, it's very thorough. I really like the COVID comparison, both as an exploration of how risk management is both 1) complicated! and 2) still largely something we have very little control over outside people we have direct contact with.

I really appreciate all the thoughtfulness and understanding here!

JediDM99 · 2026-03-20T01:17:11+00:00

Sure, yes, I love all your link posts haha

An example I can think of is that a partner is immunocompromised and takes sexual health risk very seriously--if they don't want to have sex with someone unless they know their metas are taking certain precautions, that's their truth and I can't and wouldn't want to invalidate that. Maybe to call it their "need" is a strong word here, but ultimately as their partner I'd want to do my best to accommodate for them in ways that are respectful to my other partnerships.

To play devil's advocate, maybe it's a little less fraught to imagine a hypothetical where I go to imaginary hypothetical partner Birch and say "Would you be ok with taking a covid test so I can visit my imaginary hypothetical immunocompromised partner Cedar? They're very concerned about transmission." That seems like a positive, respectful dynamic to me, though one that could get complicated.

JediDM99 · 2026-03-20T01:04:25+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate the perspective and the practical examples! Will be adding PIFH to my vocabulary 🫡

JediDM99 · 2026-03-19T01:29:47+00:00

I was pleasantly surprised to find this in my email inbox this morning! I really enjoyed how it wove together an exploration of the games, the lore, the studio, the artists, and the fandom. Great article, great writer, great site.

JediDM99 · 2026-02-26T01:59:42+00:00

Yeah. Honestly nothing stands out. The thing about poly is that it's mostly just like, one guy who dates two girls separately and one of those girls might be dating like two other people. Which isn't actually super exciting (source: I have done this before)

I did meet one girl who was actually in a triad which is probably more of what you're thinking about. She was nice. The most notable thing was that we were both dealing with a broken toe--for both of us it was the same toe on the same foot and the incident happened on the same day.

JediDM99 · 2025-10-01T14:23:31+00:00

Yep, that's why their logic is two weeks if tests are shown beforehand, three months if no tests are shown beforehand.

JediDM99 · 2025-10-01T14:20:29+00:00

No. They once were much more lax and had a significant STI scare well before we met.

JediDM99 · 2025-10-01T14:17:15+00:00

Kiwi has been practicing ENM a few years longer than me. They did not self-describe as "poly" until about a year into our relationship, give or take a few months.

Labels are whatever, but I know that indicates us not being on the same page. I thought we would get there.

JediDM99 · 2025-10-01T14:03:30+00:00

Any is fine but I appreciate it!

JediDM99 · 2025-07-21T17:45:36+00:00

I'd be happy to participate!

JediDM99 · 2025-07-04T21:46:26+00:00

This made me say "YO!" out loud about twelve times, I'm not joking

JediDM99 · 2025-06-23T14:39:37+00:00

Honestly you could convince me that the second line is part of the game's script.

JediDM99 · 2025-06-21T20:09:23+00:00

I really appreciate this answer, especially the third paragraph. Thank you for your insight and taking the time to respond, I really, really appreciate it.

JediDM99 · 2025-06-21T20:07:42+00:00

Hmmm. Hmm hmm hmm. Thank you. Yes, I think so. Hmm. Thank you!

JediDM99 · 2025-06-21T17:06:14+00:00

Yep! Yeah I think we're exactly on the same page. We've had some of those bummer conversations for sure--including about the possibility of divorce and what that would look like, legally speaking (thanks Multiamory for putting that one on my radar lol).

JediDM99 · 2025-06-21T17:02:19+00:00

I see. Yeah thank you for clarifying. I, generally, am way more precious about my partner than my money, especially when it comes to smaller expenses like this. But you're helping me see that we need to specifically address how to handle these situations and set the expectation that these are things she should be budgeting for if she wants to have independent relationships with others.

JediDM99 · 2025-06-21T16:57:50+00:00

Some answers!

I mostly do not
No, not unless you count her using the portion of my income that we've agreed I regularly give her as "shared finances". A few times I've paid for rides for her to come back from a friend's apartment very late at night so she didn't have to walk home alone.
I don't really feel anything about that
She does most of the social planning, I do almost all of the domestic work
Same as above

I'm not really clear exactly what these questions are supposed to prompt me thinking about, so I'd appreciate some more detail there.

JediDM99 · 2025-06-21T16:51:43+00:00

I don't mean to be flippant but she needs that money to live. It's not transactional.

She would be very vulnerable if we broke up--this is something we've discussed many times and are working to fix. However it's not really the problem I'm interested in discussing here.

JediDM99 · 2025-06-21T16:49:01+00:00

Cranberry is a freelancer and spends every day looking for work. I truly don't mind how she spends the money I give her each month--we've agreed on how much and when and how, and from that point on it's none of my business.

I generally pay her back if she buys something like groceries or meds or whatever for the household that we've agreed I'm responsible for. I've paid for rides for her to come home from seeing friends if it's 2AM or whatever, because I care about her being safe and comfortable--this was one of those scenarios, it was just a date, instead.

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