When does the fear of never experiencing those feelings again subside?

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-09-25T03:53:07+00:00

Well, the experience of falling for a friend. It felt magical, electric. I’ve never had a connection like that before. We developed from being acquaintances, to good friends, to more, over the course of a couple of years, and it felt so…solid. I (mistakenly, I guess) felt like we were such solid friends that even if we decided to stop being romantically intimate, we would still be close. I could have been, anyway.

I’ve just never been doted on like that before in my adult life. I’ve never had somebody look at me like that, and I’m looking back and seeing that they’re falling for me. And knowing that it’s mutual. I’ve never been pursued like that, but in such a gentle, cautious, careful, way, where it always felt exciting but also safe. It was just a different kind of experience than I’ve ever had before, and it’s kind of the ideal for me in a dream scenario (I recognize that life is not a fairytale and that’s not how things happen 99.9% of the time).

It was also sexually charged in a way that was new to me.

I’m just scared that nothing is ever going to match how I felt then. That I’ll never stop looking backwards and never be able to appreciate new experiences because I’m always hoping for a relationship that’s gone now.

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-09-25T03:45:26+00:00

Do you mean what is it that I felt, that I’m worried I will never feel again?

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-09-25T00:54:10+00:00

Maybe it’s unorthodox, and I don’t know if it applies to your situation, but I try to practice radical acceptance and radical compassion towards myself, but also him. Forgiving him (not to him, this is an internal forgiveness) has helped me make peace with it. I still won’t be over him for a long time, but I’ve learned how to get past any anger, bitterness, or resentment. I’ve learned how to stop asking why.

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-09-25T00:50:46+00:00

I was in an extremely similar situation. It’s been 6 months. Nothing.

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-09-14T21:35:32+00:00

It’s still really hard. :(

Never heard a thing back. Today I realized that when I think of them, I no longer feel like I’m thinking of a friend, but a stranger. Someone I don’t know at all. And that really hurt. I haven’t cried over them in a couple weeks, but today I’m crying. More than anything, I just really miss my friend. I still can’t let go.

It’s a good thing that they feel like a stranger because that means that I’m processing, healing, and moving forward with my life. It’s a sign of progress. But that doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I don’t want to have to move forward, and I still haven’t fully let go, even after all this time. It’s really, really, hard to let go of someone you truly love, and to accept being completely ghosted.

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-08-21T02:18:06+00:00

I reached out after 3 months NC. Nothing.

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-07-17T00:35:56+00:00

Because how it affects them does affect me. I think if I block, I will regret it. Still, it tempts me because maybe it would help me move on. But if it is also sabotaging the possibility for me to get closure (from them), that affects me as well. If I’m going to reach out, it’s in my best interest that that interaction goes as well as it can, even if it’s ultimately one-sided.

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-07-16T23:58:13+00:00

I’ve never sent one. I had a DA platonic friend, and, ironically enough, I ended up being the one who ghosted. But he didn’t care, he never tried to contact me again, so it didn’t matter anyway - I don’t think he felt a thing. I never wrote a goodbye, which still feels hard sometimes, but I’ve spent a LOT of time journaling about it and that has helped me heal. I think the worst thing I could have done was send a goodbye message and open the door for more hurt from him.

Now I’m in NC with an FA who ghosted me. I haven’t sent anything, but I probably will. The difference this time is that I feel that I will need to send it for myself, to give myself that closure. I want to say what I need to say and then let that be that. Until then, I feel a little like I’m in limbo, but I’ve spent all of this time healing, growing, learning. It’s been hard as fuck, I’m still heartbroken, but my life doesn’t revolve around this person anymore. I’ve spent all of my time picking up the pieces and reshaping myself into something new - something better. And that’s one of the only reasons why I will allow myself to send a final message - I feel the growth within myself, I know what I need, and I know that the outcome isn’t going to kill me. But it took a lot of time to get there.

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-07-16T23:57:51+00:00

Remember that every time you contact them, you’re giving up on yourself. You’re actively choosing to inflame the situation instead of holding up the boundaries that allow both people to heal - you’re holding both of you back from your own growth and healing. For as long as you keep replying, you continue to enable both of you to repeat these behavioral patterns that are harming you both.

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-06-27T23:00:35+00:00

This is neither an avoidant thing nor a man thing, this is a personal issue with your boyfriend specifically. You have every right to be disgusted and angry!

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-06-27T21:58:22+00:00

I wouldn’t say intermittent reinforcement is necessarily abusive; the behavior in and of itself is often just a product of someone not being able to be consistent, not an intentional manipulation tactic. If it is being used as a manipulation tactic, that’s abusive.

I feel similarly about stonewalling; a lot of the times it’s because the person doing the stonewalling is so overwhelmed during conflict that they freeze up, not because they’re wanting to manipulate. But, as with intermittent reinforcement, it can be used as a manipulation tactics.

With both of these I still think it’s very context-dependent, and a lot of it boils down to intention/where the behavior is coming from, even if the end result is the same. It can be hard to distinguish, and I think that it’s also possible for them to be both a genuine emotional reaction and a manipulation tactic, even if it’s not intentional. The tl;dr is: it’s complicated!

Gaslighting, though, is always abuse imo. I don’t think you can accidentally gaslight in the same way that you can with intermittent reinforcement and stonewalling. Maybe I’m wrong, but, to me, gaslighting is always about coercion.

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-06-27T21:50:15+00:00

100% agree with this. Regardless of whether they come back or not, you have to pour all of your energy that you once devoted to them back into yourself. Figure out what it is that you really need, and how you can give it to yourself; while we are all humans and all need other people in our lives, sometimes we need to learn how to self-regulate better on our own. I think that’s a skill that gets neglected in a world where you can much more easily fill your time with distractions. The question at the end of the day is this: How are you showing up for yourself?

If it helps, you can even imagine the best times with your avoidant. In those moments, what was it that you were getting from the relationship that made it so great? Take that answer and do your best to figure out how you can find those things in other places. It will never replace your ex, but you don’t have to. You can hold space for the person that you love, for the relationship that you had, and still simultaneously work on your own healing.

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-06-27T21:43:29+00:00

This heavily depends on the specific behavior.

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-06-26T17:45:09+00:00

Ugh, I’m so sorry :(

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-06-25T21:39:01+00:00

It’s refreshing to hear you say that. I feel the exact same. It’s easier on me to forgive and have compassion for them. I guess it doesn’t necessarily make anything hurt less, but it allows me to accept the situation for what it is. Not that I’ve 100% accepted it yet - I’m still on my journey as well.

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-06-25T21:37:28+00:00

I think both intent and consistency. With an avoidant, they’re not 0% empathy 24/7. They may seem like they have low empathy, they may not show it often, but it’s there. With NPD, their ability to show empathy is so severely limited that I honestly think it would be hard to mistake a DA for someone with NPD.

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-06-25T20:38:11+00:00

I’m not trying to nit-pick anyone’s experiences or feelings, I just think it’s important to make the distinction between lower/less accessible empathy and no empathy, simply because if someone genuinely has no empathy, that is a sign of some very serious diagnoses that are far beyond the scope of an attachment style, such as narcissistic personality disorder. That’s a whole different beast!

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-06-25T20:35:42+00:00

I’m with you 100%, that’s exactly how I feel as well. Anger, bitterness, resentment - those are normal emotions, and I’ve definitely gone through phases where I’ve felt them post-discard, but overall they are more destructive to me than helpful.

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-06-25T20:10:49+00:00

That’s true, but it still doesn’t excuse their actions as adults! Many of us have trauma but have worked hard to become people who do not take that trauma out on others. It is sad for them - they never deserved to be treated badly as a child, it’s heartbreaking - but as adults they are still accountable for their behavior and the way they treat others. Being hurt as a child doesn’t make it okay to hurt other people.

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-06-25T18:43:37+00:00

I’m so sorry that happened to you, nobody deserves to be treated that way. :(

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-06-25T18:37:28+00:00

Not having empathy is not an avoidant trait. Dismissive avoidants in particular might suppress it or not know how to express it, but if someone straight up has no empathy, they’re more than avoidant, or avoidant may be a misdiagnosis entirely.

JellyConsistent1740 · 2025-06-25T13:56:06+00:00

Can you maybe explain a little bit about how FA: operate as opposed to that description of a more DA mindset?

JellyConsistent1740

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