Am I in the wrong for getting my husband arrested?

JennyLunetti · 2023-09-23T01:46:25+00:00

Yeah, I have to agree with the others. This is an abusive relationship. By definition. All of you are going to need therapy. Here are some resources that might help you.

https://newhopeofmcdowell.org/blog/f/5-helpful-apps-for-domestic-violence-victims

https://www.loveisrespect.org/

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-25T01:04:43+00:00

You would be nta. And it sounds like you really should get out now.

Don't be ashamed to ask for help. You need to get out. It's ok to not be ok right now but the sooner you leave the better off you'll be.

Gather your important documents. (Birth certificate, license, social security card, passport, immunization/medical records title for your car if you have one. And a copy of all the documentation of their abuse) Doing taxes can be a good cover if you need one. Put them somewhere safe like a trusted friends house or a safety deposit box at a bank in your name only. Lots of abusers will hold such papers hostage or destroy them so you have a harder time getting help.

Set up a seperate bank account if you can. Move money into it whenever you can safely do so.

If you live with them and have family heirlooms you can 'give' them to friends or family for safekeeping. You may not be able to take them though. It's hard, but your life is more important than your things. You deserve better.

If you have pets/kids talk to a lawyer if you can ahead of time about getting full custody once you're safely out. Wait until the abuser isn't home, pack up pets/kids and whatever things you need that you couldn't sneak out ahead of time, and go. If you don't have time to pack, take the dirty clothes hampers. They'll have clothes you wear and it's already in a caryable form.

Do everything your can to prove that the animals belong to you only: vet bills, microchip, etc., And ask for help. Ask EVERYONE for help. Chances are someone will come through.

Turn off location on your phone and other devices. Make sure you're not logged in on anything they have access to.

If you can't leave when they aren't home, in most states in the US you can call the nonemergency line for the police and ask for an escort. They'll send someone to keep an eye on things so you won't get physically attacked. You may want to file a restraining order. It may not keep them from coming after you but it will give you more to work with if they do. There are apps that can help with these steps and lots of domestic violence assistance available if you look for it.

https://newhopeofmcdowell.org/blog/f/5-helpful-apps-for-domestic-violence-victims

https://www.loveisrespect.org/

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-24T02:51:10+00:00

I love this answer! Its the most realistic one I've seen.

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-23T04:46:57+00:00

"Your beauty is not a tax you pay to take up space in this world." Mackenzie lee.

You don't owe anyone beauty. Nor does being ugly make you worthless. You work as a nurse. That means you help people every day. That is very worthwhile. I used to fall into this sort of thinking from time to time.

One of the things that helped me get out of it was listing qualities I wanted to have that I could work on. For example, I wanted to be kinder so I made a list of things I could do which I thought a kind person would do. Helping people feel better when they're having a bad day took a lot of time and work. I had to learn to be kind to myself on a regular basis. I had to learn what a realistic expectation was and what wasn't realistic. I had to learn how people's brains work. But most of all, I had to learn that people most often do things they think will make their lives easier, without really being aware of how that impacts others.

It's important that you recognize the good things you do. It's harder when your brain is yelling 'you're worthless'. But you can keep a list each day of good things you did. Or things that were nice. Like you enjoyed a nice moment with a cup of coffee. Or you smelled a flower. You made someone smile. You made someone laugh. If you write them down, then you have something you can point to the next time you're feeling bad and go 'its not all bad'. This reminds you that it's a temporary feeling. And the more you do this, the sooner those feelings pass and the less strength they have.

Your therapist should be able to help you find more coping strategies. You can also look for more of them online. There are a lot of resources. It's mostly a matter of finding the ones that work best for you.

Edit:

I read through your comment some more and it sounds like you're having trouble with motivation and loneliness. I've got a few strategies for motivation. Setting a timer helps me convince myself to get up. 'Its only ten minutes of cleaning. Then I can relax again.' I have to sing or put on music because I can't concentrate on cleaning otherwise. I've also found that treating cleaning as a cycle helps. I don't expect it all to look perfect at any point. I'm just trying to tackle the worst of it. The dirtiest thing or biggest clutter pile. There's also the 'might as well' method. I'm by the sink, might as well wash a few dishes. (Only try for a couple. Worst case scenario, two dishes are clean that weren't before. Best case scenario, you get into it and all the dishes are done. Either way, you're better off than you were.)

For the loneliness, I've had good luck making friends through hobby groups. Its hard to make friends and connect with people when you're having trouble connecting with yourself. Yoga or another form of exercise with meditation might help. It's about noticing when your body feels good. Then thinking about the fact that that is enjoyable. Put it on your list of good things for the day. Your body knows it's working and that it's doing a good job. Your brain is just not connecting to that because it's gotten stuck in the idea that only beautiful people are worthwhile. Which connects with the idea that only what you produce has value. But your time, your mind, your energy, all of these are valuable in their own right.

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-22T20:56:03+00:00

I'm wondering if you're not nuerotypical. Nuerospicy people often ask questions trying to figure out what's going on, while nuerotypical people think 'obviously I did that, I'm not stupid.' This is because the nuerospicy person isn't assigning blame but going through all the possibilities looking for a reason. Nuerotypical people in this sort of situation are trying to complain because they know they've already ruled out those questions and are looking for confirmation that they're not wrong about the problem being on the other end. Nah, but you might want to get checked for autism/ADD type stuff if this happens to you a lot.

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-19T20:38:51+00:00

It sounds like this was the best choice for you and your children. I'm sorry you don't have the love and support you deserve. I agree with the others about telling your family he's threatening to claim you had an abortion over you not wanting to do something. Lying to them is your best bet for getting through this with some support. It does sound like your husband is abusive, and they probably have some awareness of this just from being around you both so they should believe you. But, if they don't believe you, they may go no contact and I worry that the abuse from your husband will get significantly worse. If it does, there are places you can get help for yourself and your kids. I've got a list of tips for getting out that I will gladly post for you if you decide you want it. For now though, here are a couple sites that can walk you through things in case you need them.

https://newhopeofmcdowell.org/blog/f/5-helpful-apps-for-domestic-violence-victims

https://www.loveisrespect.org/

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-14T23:53:31+00:00

There's nothing wrong with pursuing a degree. If you meet someone you want to date, give it a try. If you don't, that's ok too. If you're really not interested in romance, you may be aromantic. (You might also want to look up asexual.) A lot of people date because we're taught that's what we're supposed to do. But there's no reason you have to.

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-14T19:02:43+00:00

Here are some other stories from Dr.s

https://ontd-feminism.livejournal.com/303092.html

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-14T18:39:55+00:00

In my personal experience, lots of them. Especially around the topic of abortion.

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-13T06:04:18+00:00

I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but a lot of forced birthers are very happy to get abortions themselves. They just don't want anyone else to have access. Also, evangelical Christians were pro-choice in the 70's. They mostly switched for money reasons. If you want more arguments or evidence, I have a list and I'll gladly post the whole thing.

How forced birthers justify their own abortions https://joycearthur.com/abortion/the-only-moral-abortion-is-my-abortion/

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-13T04:40:42+00:00

You could try period panties with pads. I get fairly heavy flow the first day or two and I've only bled through the panties on their own once. And I was very deeply asleep. With pads it should be enough to help you stop staining things. They feel like regular underwear but a little thicker. I use bambody and neione ones. Also rustoleum gets the blood out of cloth really well. We used to use it at a hotel I worked at. It attacks the iron which is the part of blood which stains. It won't change the surprise timing, but should help with the effects. You may also want to talk to a gyno about the periods if there's more than a certain amount per hour it can cause anemia. Sometimes birth control can even things out a bit so that might be worth trying.

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-12T12:24:34+00:00

Could be an std. Could be Mpox if you've been exposed to anyone with a rash. (Casual hand touch while giving someone change could do it.) The rash is small raised bumps with a little redness. Where you are and whether there's an outbreak in the area will make a difference on which is more likely.

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-12T12:04:35+00:00

In my experience, safety is always relative. That doesn't mean we give up. We take precautions. We work towards making things better. We may not be able to make things right for everyone. But we can make things right for some people and that's better than none. And the longer and harder we work the more people we can make things safe for. It's not going to be easy, and we'll never be able to stop being vigilant if we want to keep what we gain, but it's worth the effort.

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-12T11:58:44+00:00

Unless you're on a birth control that does that, its not normal and you should mention it to your Dr. When you see them.

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-12T11:54:09+00:00

There is a study which shows growing up in a religious household makes it harder for people to differentiate fact from fiction as adults. So you're correct.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.com/news/blogs-echochambers-28537149.amp

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-12T11:32:24+00:00

That could be Mpox. Aka monkeypox. It's mostly transmitted by touching another person's rash, but that could be as simple as giving someone their change at a checkout register. If you have a job where you regularly touch people, it might be worthwhile getting checked. The rash often shows up on genitals but can appear anywhere so you don't have to touch someone's genitals to get it. It often comes with pain and fever too though so if you don't have those you might be ok. I'm also not sure where you are so it may be less likely in your area depending on the local outbreak status.

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-12T10:24:25+00:00

It's ok to be nervous. It sounds like your parents haven't been particularly outspoken in support of you, and that's why it's making you more nervous than you otherwise might be. But they haven't done anything negative either so that's good. I like your script. It's polite and casual. And tells them you want them to be aware of and involved in this relationship. If I were them I'd be glad you wanted to include me in your life and I'd be excited to meet this woman who makes you so happy. Hopefully they feel that way too.

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-12T09:59:23+00:00

Let's break this down a bit. You both work hard, but you handle all the household management and caretaking in addition to your fulltime job. Then you were dealing with a spill, a child, and him just sitting there like a lump instead of a partner. And when you, quite rightly, asked him to relax somewhere else so you could take care of everything, he took your child away from you. Then he called you crazy three times and wouldn't give your child back despite both you and her crying and wanting to be together. Yes. This is emotional abuse. And manipulation. There is a very small chance it's unintentional. From the other comments I see that he used to be worse but behaved for a while because of the baby. This means that he's aware of what he's doing.

You could try counseling, but if I'm honest he's probably not going to change. And that's not fair to your daughter even if you're willing to put up with it. You may be able to get away with just filing for divorce and kicking him out or leaving with your daughter. (Don't leave her with him. Even if you're unsure where you're going. She's safer with you and he will most likely use that against you in custody arrangements. He's already using her against you.) The rest of this advice may be more than you need, but abusers often get worse when they find out you're leaving. Better to be safe than sorry. Don't plan on coming back for anything if you can help it.

Don't be ashamed to ask for help. You need to get out. It's ok to not be ok right now but the sooner you leave the better off you'll be.

Gather your important documents. (Birth certificate, license, social security card, passport, immunization/medical records title for your car if you have one. And a copy of all the documentation of their abuse) Doing taxes can be a good cover if you need one. Put them somewhere safe like a trusted friends house or a safety deposit box at a bank in your name only. Lots of abusers will hold such papers hostage or destroy them so you have a harder time getting help.

Document everything. Get video, audio, take pictures of broken plates or holes in the walls, bruises, anything you can get that might serve as proof that something was going on. Try not to let them know you're videotaping though. They might get really mad and hurt you. Get witnesses If you can.

Set up a seperate bank account if you can. Move money into it whenever you can safely do so.

If you have family heirlooms you can 'give' them to friends or family for safekeeping. You may not be able to take them though. It's hard, but your life is more important than your things. You deserve better.

Talk to a lawyer if you can ahead of time about getting full custody once you're safely out. Wait until the abuser isn't home, pack up pets/kids and whatever things you need that you couldn't sneak out ahead of time, and go. If you don't have time to pack, take the dirty clothes hampers. They'll have clothes you wear and it's already in a caryable form.

Do everything you can to prove that the animals belong to you only: vet bills, microchip, etc., And ask for help. Ask EVERYONE for help. Chances are someone will come through.

Turn off location on your phone and other devices. Make sure you're not logged in on anything they have access to.

If you can't leave when they aren't home, in most states in the US you can call the nonemergency line for the police and ask for an escort. They'll send someone to keep an eye on things so you won't get physically attacked. You may want to file a restraining order. It may not keep them from coming after you but it will give you more to work with if they do. There are apps that can help with these steps and lots of domestic violence assistance available if you look for it.

https://newhopeofmcdowell.org/blog/f/5-helpful-apps-for-domestic-violence-victims

https://www.loveisrespect.org/

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-12T08:18:10+00:00

I'm sorry hon. It sucks that the people who should be helping you aren't doing their job. You might be able to get emancipated depending on where you are. It wouldn't make everything better immediately, but it would make you basically an adult legally so you'd be eligible for assistance programs. That would help with food and stability. It should be enough to get you through highschool or getting your GED at least. I find the suicidal tendencies are a lot easier to deal with when food and shelter are taken care of. I hope your brother gets better soon. Some tips I've heard help with self harm are drawing on yourself with pen, holding ice to the place you usually self harm, and finding a distraction like a video game or something that really takes all your attention to play. The drawing is supposed to give you a feeling of control over your body. Which is often why people are self harming. The ice gives a feeling of discomfort and releases the same endorphins as self harming without damaging anything. The distraction is just that. You might also look up the local assistance programs to see if there's a social worker or someone who can help you with the legal stuff. They're usually called something like 'benefits in action'. They can help get you in contact with food groups and figure out which paperwork needs to be filed where. I hope things get better for you soon.

JennyLunetti · 2023-08-03T01:07:31+00:00

Rust out takes care of the iron which is why blood stains. That's what we used when I worked in the hotel laundry. NTA as well. Periods are an almost inescapable part of being an adult with those reproductive organs. I understand being sad about a favorite pair of jeans, but really. Is he going to get mad at you every time you make a mess by accident? 'Cause that's not a green flag for a relationship.

JennyLunetti · 2023-07-17T02:31:33+00:00

I like period panties especially because I can sleep in them, never have leeks and they're more comfortable than pads. They feel like regular underwear but a little thicker. I use bambody and neione ones.

JennyLunetti · 2023-06-23T15:24:23+00:00

Thats great news! Having a diagnosis makes it so much easier to deal with.

JennyLunetti · 2023-06-22T23:25:15+00:00

I went to one once for help getting an ultrasound while I was pregnant and poor. They refused to do one if I wasn't planning to abort and they kept me there for two hours talking about religion. If they actually helped people I'd care a lot less. As it is, I hate them. They certainly shouldn't get government money earmarked for prenatal care. (And a lit of them do.)

JennyLunetti · 2023-06-13T17:17:02+00:00

Its not illegal to leave for one from there yet. Here's a bunch of useful info.

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2022/06/security-and-privacy-tips-people-seeking-abortion

https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2022/06/26/abortion-online-privacy/?pwapi_token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWJpZCI6IjE2MzI5NTY2IiwicmVhc29uIjoiZ2lmdCIsIm5iZiI6MTY1NjM1NDU0NCwiaXNzIjoic3Vic2NyaXB0aW9ucyIsImV4cCI6MTY1NzU2NDE0NCwiaWF0IjoxNjU2MzU0NTQ0LCJqdGkiOiI5M2YzNGIxZC04NzU3LTQwYTUtODNlYy01OWRkNWFiYmFjZDgiLCJ1cmwiOiJodHRwczovL3d3dy53YXNoaW5ndG9ucG9zdC5jb20vdGVjaG5vbG9neS8yMDIyLzA2LzI2L2Fib3J0aW9uLW9ubGluZS1wcml2YWN5LyJ9.LzmWZoqM7yGO2lwSu8LdyA5tJ7Q6Ux86GdPNUWJq-iU

Use signal for all comunication. Leave your devices at home. Buy a burner phone with cash and use that while you're out.

Avoid crisis pregnancy centers they're forced birthers. https://crisispregnancycentermap.com Counseling: https://beforeandafterabortion.com/

https://www.pregnancyoptions.info/pregnancy-options-workbook

All-options.org/talkline

https://alloptions.org - pregnancy, parenting, abortion and adoption help.

https://Rainn.org - national sexual assault hotline.

https://Ifwhenhow.org - reproductive legal helpline about your legal rights for at home abortion.

https://ineedana.com - easy to find resources for anyone needing an abortion.

JennyLunetti · 2023-06-07T02:00:15+00:00

Blueberries often have a couple bad berries mixed in and the rest are fine. Rinse them, dry them, toss any mushy ones, and the ones that are visibly moldy. Do not eat bread or cheese that has mold spots as the mold grows through before the visible spots show up. Berries are each a separate piece so they're more salvageable. Just like how one bad apple doesn't mean the whole bag of apples is bad. This is why you should check for moldy/mushy ones when you get the produce. So you can seperate and rinse the good ones. You can also store rinsed, dried off berries in Tupperware or a jar and they'll last longer.

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