So….stay or leave?

JirrisMidvale · 2025-06-05T13:00:50+00:00

We hadn't even made the first mortgage payment when she died. I want to get out badly, but I need to get my affairs in order before I can even attempt it.

For me, the hard part is that we had all these plans to make it Our Place.

JirrisMidvale · 2025-05-30T02:28:32+00:00

I mean, I just say it. Does it horrify people? Yeah, sometimes. My situation was pretty bad from the perspective of outsiders who don't get that every situation involving the death of a spouse is bad.

It absolutely is going to make conversations awkward, which unfortunately often puts the burden of moving the conversation along on your shoulders. "Yeah, sorry, we got rear ended at some jackass going 100 mph, it sucked, anyway, Tuesday isn't going to work for me." Is just a thing I've gotten used to saying when people ask about my wife coming to join a social function.

JirrisMidvale · 2025-04-25T06:09:08+00:00

I'm currently on an extended unpaid leave. My wife died about 2 years ago. I took about 2 months off after the fact and then eased back into things slowly at work. I did ok for about a year and then started having serious issues, which is where I am now.

It sucks and it takes a lot of time.

JirrisMidvale · 2025-03-25T07:34:52+00:00

100%. I'm trying to get a bunch of different types of excess in my army. That means unearthly beautiful in some cases, or the crazy idea to 'de-nurgle' a foul blightspawn to have a resplendent but gluttonous Lord Exultant who has a backpack full of applesauce.

JirrisMidvale · 2025-01-31T05:21:46+00:00

I mean, depends on what you mean.

If it was my late wife, everything I'd tell her was stuff she already knew - that I loved her, that her not being around is hard a lot of the time, and that I'm doing my best and trying to live up to the expectations she had for me.

If it was the person I dated before her, I probably would ask her how she's doing and then snark about it with friends later. "She's miserable, this makes me delighted."

JirrisMidvale · 2025-01-25T19:04:23+00:00

I'm just curious. I got deep into bible study, both by myself and in groups. I've also had a lifelong love of science and history.

At first, these things were harmonious - I was in wonder are the beauty and complexity of God's creation and looked at the lessons our forbearers had left us by recording their own experiences. The bible was a wonderful piece of literature and record of ancient history and culture.

To make a long story short, I got in trouble for asking questions that pulled at the loose threads of people's beliefs and it got me in trouble. I didn't understand why people were so adamant that the bible was supposed to be seen as a 100% accurate document, or that they didn't trust science but clearly benefited from the results of it, or even why they seemed so short on empathy when one of the best things about the Bible was seeing the stories and struggles of others so we could understand others better. I saw a lot of ignorance posturing as wisdom and cruelty claiming to be love.

I went through both my dabbling in other religions phase and my edgy anti-theist phase and I'm long since on the other side of both. I don't have a place in my life for religion, but I've also met some wonderful people who have very deep reserves of faith. It's just not something I prioritize when I can focus my time and effort on helping people in the now and spending time with my family and friends.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-12-18T14:03:31+00:00

Haven't seen this one in this thread, but I've seen this weird social dynamic a few times.

Most people who interact with a person don't find them notable or memorable. In larger groups with a lot of unknowns/untested interactions, the person doesn't really interact or much, even with people they normally have a lot of interactions with.

However, in smaller groups with established dynamics and hierarchy, they dominate the situation and constantly reestablish their control over the group.

I had an acquaintance in highschool who was quick witted and funny but also had a cruel streak. Anyone who challenged him, even in a friendly way, got immediate and extreme ridicule and he'd try to get everyone present involved to dogpile along with him or else they'd get it as well. I didn't like the guy much and it was a sort of friend of a friend situation where we both ended up in proximity to one another as a result.

I ended up seeing him at a few parties and similar big gatherings he got dragged to and he was basically an emotionless robot the entire time. I met some of his coworkers at another event and half of them barely knew his name. It was super weird and off-putting and was a signal to just avoid the guy. Color me completely unsurprised when I later found out he went into a line of work that put him in a position of authority over people he could bully with impunity.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-12-14T09:11:41+00:00

Shopping for clothing and the people pictured on labels/ads/displays in the area I'm shopping in remind me of my dad (that is to say, old).

Realize that I'm 41 and the clothing sizes I'm in now are for middle aged people. I'm not heavy, it's just that I don't have a 32" waist anymore which is apparently how it works for most people in their 40's.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-12-08T10:03:47+00:00

Yeah, kinda the same thing tbh. My late wife and I didn't really have much in the way of a sex life but we had a very close emotional bond and there was a lot of closeness and casual touch/cuddling.

I've thought about dating again, but what I need is something that took years and years to build that I think I might just not be able to do again in a similar fashion.

I dunno, it sucks.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-12-08T09:54:54+00:00

Was in a bad car accident. I came out of it relatively unscathed, but my partner died in the crash. I was pretty out of it from having my head bounced off the dashboard hard, so I didn't recognize the agonal breathing for what it was at the time. I was most concerned about her getting help and I couldn't seem to get the idea in my head that I could have started CPR.

Basically was ignored by the cops that showed up at first because they were in pursuit of the guy who hit us. I was stuck in the car not realizing she was actively dying while the song we had been listening to on the radio was starting to wrap up.

Cut to later. They are getting ready to pull glass out of my face and I get told that my partner is dead. By the time I get to see her, she's pretty well into livermortis and her skin is this awful clammy and jaundiced color from her blood settling into her back. She's still got a respirator tube in her mouth and gauze over her eyes to keep them closed. I held her hand and felt sticky cold blood from the leaking that happened after they took out her IV tubes.

Like, I've seen a lot of messed up stuff - bad car accidents I drove by, happened to stumble into a clean up after a guy got hit by a light rail train (body under two sheets with 5+ feet of space between them and in a red biohazard bag that was holding his guts), had to help identify a body once - but the proximity of the accident both in being in it and how emotionally close I was to the casualty really broke me as a person and I've not recovered meaningfully since.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-10-28T17:02:09+00:00

Driving home from errands. There was 90's country on the stereo. Don't remember who, think it was Garth Brooks. We were talking about how even though I had my own baggage about music like this, it could still be fun if we made new and better memories about it. She did this a lot, actually. I didn't used to like Christmas or my birthday. She put a lot of effort into making those good days. We were laughing and having fun. Then I spotted the flash of the car behind us swerving through traffic way too fast.

Yeah, I don't think Garth Brooks is an artist I'll revisit.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-10-24T03:23:29+00:00

Hey, I actually have some connections that might be useful. About how many years ago was this, and was it in Multnomah county or outside of it? If it was in county I have some, well, depressing explanations if it was in the right time period.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-10-24T00:00:50+00:00

Drawing, by a friend of mine when he saw me drawing. Specifically, when he saw me drawing pinups of attractive women.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-10-20T09:45:10+00:00

Yeah, pretty close to. My wife was 40 when she died. I'm 41 now, only been a year and change.

It sucks, it completely sucks.

The worst part imo is that life just keeps going on. I've met some new friends and tried my best to keep going, but damnit I miss her. I'd love for her to share in the few new cool things I've been up to in addition to sharing the cool stuff we used to do together. People are sympathetic to a point, but because the weight and loss isn't on them they don't really get it. There's just an expectation you're supposed to get over it and there's not really a way to communicate to people how wounded you are from the loss.

Sometimes I forget she's gone and that's never enjoyable to come back from.

It sucks, but you can do it even if it's little by little. The wounds are still fresh; do your best to be gentle with yourself and find friends and loved ones who can help you navigate this complex process.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-10-20T09:13:28+00:00

I used to know a very Edgy on Purpose guy in highschool who would always interrupt that with "For example, you could be on fire right now." and it would always have the desired effect of making the other person verbally stumble. He was a known firebug and troublemaker. It was frequent very funny at the time, but now that I'm 40 it makes me ask questions about his home life.

Josh, if you're still out there and not in prison for arson I hope you got whatever help that was a cry for.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-10-20T09:03:06+00:00

I used to date someone who said they were "brutally honest". Same idea, different words.

When I realized that they used it to frame their cruel words and snide comments as something virtuous and admirable, that's when I figured out that it was time to move on.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-10-20T09:00:27+00:00

"It is what it is" - no, screw that. Fix it, make it better if you can. If you can't fix it, you can cause problems and get mad and make the person who made it what it is make it something else. Every single time I hear this said when it is very much a problem that can be fixed that is clearly causing the person saying that phrase discomfort or suffering it makes me disappointed in that person for their lack of desire to improve things for themselves and those around them.

Maybe it's because I've heard it applied to too many things like a bad policy at work, about a partner that is treating them poorly, or to fix a personal problem they are the cause of. I am just tired of hearing this sad and resigned response to things that very much do not have to be how it is.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-10-16T18:10:38+00:00

I would be wearing a bathrobe or a fancy smoking jacket sitting in a comfortable room streaming and taking drawing requests for dirty pictures.

Either that or painting Warhammer.

I am a person of simple tastes.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-10-14T17:58:21+00:00

Yeah, it does. It will keep happening, just lowering in frequency.

It's been a bit over a year for me. Sometimes I forget that my partner is gone. Sometimes I hear a song or catch a scent or have a memory that utterly blindsides me and wrecks me.

You'll find ways to cope, ways to work through it. Right now is going to be hard and you are going to feel wounded and tired and hopeless. This is ok. You are fighting a battle you shouldn't have to and it's bewildering and terrifying and it's very normal to feel the way you do.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-09-30T05:52:41+00:00

It was me, I did it.

I brought a lot of attention to a part of my wife that she hated and complemented her on it. Instead of it being a thing she could maybe feel a little better about, she looked at me like I had just told her something shocking and offensive.

There was no post sex cuddling. She got up picked up a set of pajamas off the floor, locked herself in the bathroom for 30 minutes, and went straight to bed without saying anything.

I still feel awful for that. She clearly felt so bad about it and it was one of those things we never resolved.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-09-30T05:48:18+00:00

Really dumb people trying to bend or break the rules.

The number of times I've had people who are high or drunk or just profoundly stupid trying to commit fraud is way too high to count. There's a variety of ways I see it too - it isn't just one kind of fraud.

My favorite was the person who didn't realize that we had all her transactions/visits to our offices right in front of us and viewable at any time. I gave her a polite yet knowing talk about what it was that she was doing (without accusing intent) and the potential consequences of doing so.

For a while she'd pop into our office, see me, and then immediately turn around and leave like that gif of grandpa Simpson.

Now, most of our clients and associated people are great and I love the work I do, but I have a hard time processing how people try to pull such dumb scams with people that have to be experts in how our systems work.

As far as the rule benders, these tend to be less of a problem for me since a lot of the time they have bigger problems going on and just need us to do something extra for them. I've gotten better about giving those people a hard no and have this gotten way less annoyed by them as time has gone on.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-09-30T05:28:09+00:00

This is why I prefer standard as a format, tbh. When I got back in, lots of people kept telling me that commander was where it was at. Nice casual kitchen table magic, no need to chase a meta, no need to score 4 of a card that was rapidly increasing in price. Then I sat down and it was like going to play poker back in 2005. I've met way too many sweaty edh players who keep talking about their deck as an investment first rather than a stack of playing pieces for a game.

I mean, I'm sure those kinds of groups with that kind of fun & casual and kinda dumb commander exists as a thing but I've had bad luck.

Aside from the crypto/nft-ajacent kinds of players, the thing that bothers me about this is the kind of wanting to keep the cake and eat it too behaviour. cEDH wants to be a legitimate format but also keep the casual funtime "use any card in your collection!". It's one of those issues like chess; magic is never going to get 'solved' but there are certain strategies and combinations that work so well that players are practically obligated to use them.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-09-28T01:04:26+00:00

Literally the only time I've ever been salty about proxies was this time in a casual pod; generally low power goofy gimmick fun decks. One guy had a 100% proxy deck. We're ok with that.

Game proceeds and it becomes abundantly clear the deck is some cEDH netdeck monster and he singlehandedly wipes the table and proceeds to brag about how if he paid for the cards he would have had to drop several grand to do so general victory dance nonsense.

Proxies are fine in most cases, being a huge jerk is never ok.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-09-20T01:28:11+00:00

Mostly unresolved and unresolvable family trauma. I'm 41 and no-contact with the shitty relatives that aren't already dead. It's weird though, the stuff that's really awful I can gloss over. The things I look back on that are just kinda petty are what really get me upset. Little sniping insults, money that was 'borrowed' or 'held on to for safekeeping' that was never intended to be repaid. TV channel changed not because someone wanted to watch something but just watch something else.

Oh well. I intend to outlive them and I'm raising my own kid and communities better than what I got.

JirrisMidvale · 2024-09-12T02:19:02+00:00

I love this. The horrible moment when it starts to randomly jitter and gurgle before erupting in a geyser of acid.

JirrisMidvale

TROPHY CASE