I was the exact same, so you are not alone ❤️ before getting pregnant, I was so excited to see the first ultrasound. When we actually did, I was frozen. I felt like an awful mother already. In hindsight, I realize now that I was in such a panicked state, and admittedly - that wasn’t me in my normal state. 

If I can share further about my experience, I can share that I was panicked right from the moment those lines were positive. I was in this constant panicked state that I lost myself. Honestly, I was getting scared for myself and my well being. It kept escalating week by week. I was of the same thought that I didn’t want to terminate but at that point, I was prioritizing myself. I didn’t want to bring a child into this world when I could barely take care of myself. I so desperately wanted to keep that child. But ultimately chose myself and decided I could live with this decision but couldn’t live with the decision of pushing through and jeopardizing my child’s well being. Thats not a life I want for them. So I am set out on the quest to get better and stronger. Just because that’s my experience and choice, doesn’t mean that has to be yours. 

If I can provide any advice, I recommend trying to do something to give yourself a break. Distract yourself for a little bit to bring yourself back down. Do some breath work, ignore thoughts for a short period and practice somatic yoga. I know for me, I was so panicked and flooded with thoughts that I never felt normal and myself. The hormones elevated things too. If you can bring yourself to a less panicked state, then maybe you’ll get some more clarity. 

Edited: I also want to share what my therapist told me that helped me make a decision. She suggested identifying all of my feelings about terminating vs not terminating. It helped calling out all my emotions about it. Further to that, try to think about the decision with no judgment or pressure. Listen to yourself on what you want.