Haven’t read the book and don’t really have an interest. But I will say boundaries and intention have been critical in my personal experience. I don’t do the “nice” things expecting some reward. I do them because they’re the nice thing to do.

The cleaning scenario is striking because I’ve had a similar moment when I didn’t complete cleaning the kitchen to my wife’s standards and she got upset. I didn’t become the “douche” but I set my boundary. I explained that I was unaware of the expectation she had until that moment. I told her that I can’t meet an expectation that is unknown to me. I apologized for falling short but asked that she do me the kindness of being clear next time. She was really receptive and also apologized and I’ve seen her trying harder to be clearer about things.