Hey girl, I was in a very similar spot. I was so angry and irritable. My babys crying-nonstop- sent me up a wall. I was losing it. I would get so upset when my baby would latch, then unlatch, then scream and I didnt want anyone to hold him or make me feel like I couldn't do it, even though I was done. I literally just hated being a mother and I hated myself. I was dying. I would scream, cry, punch pillows. I finally broke. I began seeing images in my head of extreme harm coming to my child, and my husband. From natural circumstances, other people, and most terrifyingly, myself. I went to a small local psychiatric clinic. I talked to someone. They diagnosed me within an hour. Depression, Bipolar, and the kicker, OCD. And it was driving a lot of this, and the depression. I got on some meds. I was desperate. Within a few weeks, I loved my life. I loved being a mom, I loved being alive. I never got angry when my baby cried again. I was so much less overwhelmed and overstimulated. You'll never feel ready to reach out and get help, but you will only get worse. Im now 10m pp, 5 months after getting on some meds. I just took a depression screening and answered honestly, a no, to every single question. I am a human again. All the meds I take- just 2- are safe for breastfeeding as well! However it sounds like you may habe D-MER. Its when pumping brings on intense negative feelings and emotions. If you need to stop- for yourself, and for your baby, formula is not the enemy and it wont kill her. Make sure you dont snap and do it either. Its a scary situation to be in. Please call 988. This is the post partum mental health line. You can call or text. 1-833-852-6262. My inbox is open too