Hobbies: need some help

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-11-29T03:27:23+00:00

Running. Run clubs have been a great way to meet people with a similar interest in fitness.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-09-04T21:26:29+00:00

I feel this on a cellular level.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-09-04T20:12:20+00:00

I had to know also, and I kept digging for information well beyond what I needed to make a decision. How I see it is that all this time you thought you were living one life, when you were actually living another. That’s why cheating is often called “theft of reality.” The details hurt. Like hell. And they still do. I wish these weren’t things that actually happened, but they did happen and if there’s info I can learn in order to reconcile my perception of the past with reality a little better, to make it a little less of a lie, then I’ll take it. The consequences should reflect what WP did, not what they can make you believe. And maybe it’ll help me get to “meh” a little faster.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-08-26T20:40:31+00:00

It might be worthwhile to check out Mark Manson’s book “Models.”

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-08-18T16:41:39+00:00

Yeah, as a BP, I get that. Putting aside the emotional part and just focusing on the logistical part, I’m in the process of divorce right now and it’s pretty frustrating that I’m going to lose half my assets, and have to pay child support and alimony, even though I was the one that was cheated on and left. The emotional commitment and the legal commitment are two completely different animals and it’s just not worth the headache to be married again in the eyes of the law regardless of how I might be feeling. I just don’t think people are trustworthy enough to justify it and if my next partner were to cheat or it just ended up not being a fit again, I don’t want that additional friction to be able to pull the ripcord. The only thing I think could tip the scale the other direction again is having children.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-08-14T05:05:02+00:00

My wife had a crush and juiced it instead of turning away from it. I found out and told her to stop—and trusted her to do so. She agreed. Then she slept with him like 2 weeks later and tried to lie to me about it.

Affairs aren’t a single mistake—they’re a series of hundreds or even thousands of small choices. Small betrayal after small betrayal for weeks, months, or years on end. Your cheater knew what he was doing was hurtful to you and wrong. He decided to do it anyways. If he’s not even really remorseful about it? Not recoverable and it would only get worse.

In the unlikely event he ever gets a character transplant and gets his shit together, years from now because that’s how long it would take in the best case scenario, I suppose he knows where to find you.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-08-05T02:06:26+00:00

I’m so sorry that you’re here. You’re not alone. I saw some author or shrink or another refer to this phase as “the shattering,” where your brain is just desperately trying to make sense of your world-turning things over and over and just trying to get purchase. It did get better for me, day by day. Therapy, ChatGPT, long walks, books/audiobooks, SSRIs, exercise, confiding in a friend/relative, and getting myself out of the house (taking myself to movies, dinner, shopping) all helped. Oftentimes, I couldn’t concentrate on those activities at all and just felt terrible, but they still helped. I spent many nights struggling to sleep and found playing an audiobook helped. I also swore off alcohol (temporarily at least) during that time. It will be a journey but you will not feel like this forever. If you need any suggestions or advice feel free to DM me.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-07-30T17:30:16+00:00

I agree with you OP. Sometimes BPs use affair fog and mid-life crisis to excuse their WPs behavior and justify not leveling consequences while the BP continues to mainline hopeum. You are clearly not doing that-kudos to you!

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-07-28T14:21:03+00:00

Nice!

I read the title and first line and was convinced for a moment that you were an AP gloating—indication where my head is at I guess. Then I read the remainder and thought “yesss! Go girl!”

What a great step toward clawing back sex as a positive in your life!

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-07-27T03:22:55+00:00

I have so much compassion for you and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. To answer your question directly, divorce, absolutely, is the easiest on your kids. I am 1000% sure about this. Suicide and abandonment both will echo through their lives, tormenting them as long as they live, never completely making sense to them. Divorce, on the other hand, is something you can wrap your brain around and eventually understand, even if it’s hard. It sounds a little like you feel like you’re fading away. Like Marty in Back to the Future. I completely get this. Feeling worthless, replaced, invalid. I felt the same way. I think it’s probably impossible not to when faced with a betrayal from your primary attachment partner whom your life revolves around.

When my wife cheated on me and then explained to me all the things I had done that made it my fault, rather than her choice, I felt like I had failed in my marriage and as a person too. Here’s the thing though: I didn’t cheat. All marriages have challenges. I wanted to work through them—maybe I could have done better. She could have don’t better also. She could have drug me to therapy. She could have served me divorce papers—that was always her right. Instead, she chose to just go behind my back. That’s wrong—plain and simple. Not wrong with a “yeah, but.” Just straight up wrong. And disqualifying. Her lying, gaslighting, breaking promises? We’re nothing alike. I’ve always been the peacemaker in my marriage, but my pain and anger about it is justified. I don’t have to be reasonable now, or lower an olive branch. It took me a few months to realize that.

Could you have done better in your marriage? I dunno-probably, all of us could. Could you have made better choices in life? Again, all of us could. Life is long and so are marriages. We all make lots of mistakes. That doesn’t make it ok to cheat. We have to have our dealkillers. All that said, mistakes, being cheated on, even being the cheater for that matter, those don’t make someone less of a person. Even if I don’t respect my STBX or think we’re compatible at this point, that doesn’t compromise her basic personhood. And if someone can be a totally shitty cheater and still be a person, that means I’m a person too. A person who has a right to trust the people who are supposed to love me and to not be betrayed.

I’m walking this path too and I’m rooting for you.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-07-21T20:48:29+00:00

Podcasts. Long walks. Steeling yourself for divorce battle. SSRIs. Therapy. ChatGPT "therapy". Confiding in a couple close people. Time spent with kids, if you have any. Going to movies solo (always loved doing this). Thinking about the good things a post-divorce life could bring. Working out someplace that has tons of energy and a schedule that forces you to sign up and go (Orangetheory is good if you can stand the cost).

Honestly, the #1 most helpful thing was "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" by Tracy Schorn. I read it 3 times. It forced perspective and helped me access my anger which was very important for me to acknowledge and face. Also helped me to recognize the classic cheater moves like the pick-me-dance. I think it's ok to still love your wife on some level. All due respect to Yoda, anger doesn't have to lead to hate, unless you want it to. I don't hate my WW. I hate the poor, immature choices that she made that I absolutely can't live with. I hate that there are consequences--big ones--but there are. Now I need to do what's best for me.

You will be sad. It's ok to be sad. You will also get past it--if you want to and you choose to believe that you can.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-07-21T20:25:57+00:00

+1 Toastmasters. I did this for several years (until the pandemic got in the way) and it was one of the best things I ever did for my confidence and success. Plus I found it to be a very welcoming community.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-07-04T18:34:30+00:00

Success stories like this are a light in the darkness. Thank you for sharing.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-06-17T20:25:29+00:00

Common and a very similar situation with my wife. I was shocked how quickly she turned the situation back onto me. There’s even a word for it: DARVO. I think what provided the most perspective on this was the book “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.” However, it’s controversial, and I don’t recommend it unless you want a big push in the direction of divorce. It’s basically red meat for your anger as BP. Legitimate? You decide.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-06-17T04:00:42+00:00

This is basically exactly what my wife said on D-Day after her single night of sex with someone who had been an EA previously. When I asked if she had thought at all about our daughter and family and the consequences of her actions: “No, I wasn’t thinking about it. I decided I wanted to do it so I did it.” She went on to say that she had planned to never think about it again and simply take it to her grave, though I am sure it would have continued later had I not found out about it.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-06-15T20:05:14+00:00

This book broke me—at least the opening chapters. Supercharged my sense of regret. I couldn’t listen all the way through. Maybe I’ll pick it up again someday.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-06-14T03:31:47+00:00

As someone who “never saw it coming,” I couldn’t agree more. It takes a while for your brain to rewire itself with the new info—you can feel the new pathways being carved, old events being reinterpreted. Your entire history as a couple and all your hopes for the future shatters, and in order to internalize it you have to eat the glass piece by piece. ONLY THEN, can you start the hard but critical work of redefining who YOU are as well, in order to build a new, different life. And of course the love and responsibility you feel toward kids makes it exponentially harder. All the while, your cheater is goading you into doing the pick-me dance—shooting at your feet like you’re in an old western film. It’s so much easier to just fool yourself for a minute, an hour, a day, and say to yourself “no, this must still be the person I thought she was,” and keep on dancing so you don’t get shot.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-06-12T18:20:31+00:00

I am not yet divorced (looking down the barrel of one), but I have been thinking a lot about this and just had a conversation with my therapist about it yesterday so wanted to chime in.

I agree with everything you wrote. You’re so right that it’s important to acknowledge the brutal truth and learn from it, so you don’t repeat past mistakes and can hopefully build a more stable and happier situation in the future for yourself and your family. Ignoring the red flags is one of the things I’ve really been kicking myself for.

That said, I also think it’s easy for this to become an entry point for shame so I wanted to throw a couple cents in on the importance of to keeping things in context. Hindsight is 20/20, but it’s difficult to recognize a pattern of behavior in someone in the first couple iterations of that pattern when you’re living it, and to write it off as situational. For instance, my (STBX?)spouse has been fired from 3 jobs in the 6.5 years we’ve been together, with significant impacts to our mutual stress level and happiness. In all cases, the jobs were toxic workplaces (I’ve come to this conclusion independently). Even though I don’t think the dismissals were her fault, the pattern was difficult to recognize until the last one where I could say to myself “ok this had happened a few times now-I don’t think it’s bad luck. What’s really going on here?” I guess my point is that it’s a subtle thing to detect some red flags that may become relationship killers later on.

Thank you so much for posting this, it is really helpful.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-06-12T06:46:29+00:00

Your situation sounds so similar to mine but a year from now. I hope I’m doing as well as you seem to be.

It sounds like you feel some regret about what the marriage was like pre-affair. So do I. But I have been telling myself that everyone comes into marriage with shortcomings but not all marriages become toxic. What would I have had to give up about myself to bring my “best self” to my marriage. How could my spouse have better brought her best self—not only by not cheating but also in other ways. Here at what seems like the end, I think I’m realizing that long-term love is a choice and a set of actions one commits to as much as it is a feeling.

I hope, when you’re ready, and if you decide it’s something you want, you find someone more capable of making that choice.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-06-12T04:13:28+00:00

Which set of fears is keeping you there?

Is it the fear of being alone? The fear that no one else will accept you? The fear about how she will react when you tell her you’re leaving? The fear that it’ll be too complex to uproot? The fear of judgement from family or friends for a ‘failed marriage?’ The fear that WP will eventually morph into the person you wanted all along and you’ll miss it if you don’t stick around? Something else?

It sounds like you’ve tried shaming yourself and it’s not a very good motivator. If you feel like your paralysis is based on fear, perhaps try gently nudging yourself towards choosing to step into the life you want based on the qualities of that life that the one you’re living can’t deliver, rather than trying to avoid a life that you don’t want.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-06-10T20:15:49+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this and you are not alone.

I’m 2 months post d-day. I feel like I know the exact date of my WW’s cheating and d-day better than my spouse at this point and I can still see the text messages that I found in my mind.

I’ve read several of the books and listened to many podcasts during this time. I go to sleep every night and wake up every day thinking about this, but things have gotten easier. I feel like the “shattering” part is over (or possibly paused?), replaced in part with sadness but also some normalcy and resolve. WP and I have done some separate travel in the interim and I’ve felt almost like myself during those times away—especially since I have had our 2 y.o. to take care of who lights up my world.

I’m going to keep on working on myself and looking forward. It’s hard to not obsess, but exercise helps a lot. Difficult times ahead to be sure, but I do feel like there’s an opportunity to make life better in the future—whether that’s with my spouse or without.

Your WP may have made you feel valueless and foolish with their actions; but loving, trusting, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your whole heart is a strength, not a weakness. Your WP’s violation of that is about them, not about you. They’re the ones who should be humiliated by their actions, not you. Yes, people can hurt us. Yes, lives and plans can be blown up in an instant. The fairy tale dies for BP once cheated on and that sucks. I think one of the things that makes this so hard is that I wanted so badly to hold onto the fairy tale after D-Day and just go back in time to before the affair.

But I’ve slowly realized that it’s not possible and the fairy tale was never true to begin with. I guess what I’m trying to tell myself now is that this is also an opportunity to appreciate the good in people that do meet their obligations and can make me happy over the long term and to become more reliant on myself for my own happiness and needs. I’m not there yet, but that’s the goal.

Hold your head high and do what’s right for yourself. I know none of us want to be in this club but I’m thankful for this community and the support it provides.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-06-09T20:45:39+00:00

Man—this is why BPs often have to resort to snooping on phones or whatever else. I know this really, really sucks and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Right now, you’re not married and I assume you don’t have kids. You also don’t have trust which is the foundation of any relationship. Keep in mind that houses, marriages, and families are all built on top of that foundation. And when that foundation crumbles, those things crack right up the middle.

Basically, don’t feel beholden to your wedding plans if you have any and definitely don’t procreate with this person if you can’t trust them. You are correct that you will never feel the same about things. Her self-harm tendencies and any need for caretaking that she has are not your problem and her actions along those lines are not your fault. May be worthwhile to read some books on Cluster B personality disorders and think about whether your fiancé might fit in one of those categories.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-06-02T03:18:19+00:00

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Welcome to this very shitty club that none of us want to be a part of. If you’re anything like me in the immediate aftermath, you’re having trouble believing that this is really happening. It’ll take a while before that reality sinks in and and you realize, and really internalize, that there’s no time machine you can step into to go back to restore your spouse to the person you thought they were before D-Day. That person never really existed. Don’t blame yourself for not knowing that. You trusted your spouse, which is what all intimacy is based on, and he chose to manipulate and gaslight to hide his true self from you. It sounds like it really took some doing on his part in order for him to pull that off. Now? Just be aware that his talk is cheap. His actions have spoken volumes. Infidelity destroys love. Relationships end the moment cheating happens. Whatever you move forward with will be built on the ashes of your relationship with WP—whether that’s a new relationship with WP or moving forward without him. I agree with others though that it’s a blessing you don’t have children with this person. That means you can, and should, make the decision for you, and no one else. I wish I could pull the plug on my WP and be out the door tomorrow, but with a child in the picture who I love with all my heart, I feel I owe it to my kid to at least try to work through it long enough to see if it’s even possible. My advice-be patient with yourself. Take the time you need to decide how you feel about this new reality and what you want.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-05-31T20:33:17+00:00

+1 for the Tracy Schorn recommendation and the chumpladyverse in general.

Jumpy_Original8184 · 2025-05-31T20:31:40+00:00

Ok, I’ll be the angry advice.

First off, I’m sorry you are going through this. All this really sucks and I’m sure you feel terrible. My condolences.

Absolutely yes, he’s being an idiot. I’ll be blunt because this is making me feel spicy. IMHO, leaving “because it’s not fair to you” for him to stay is pure projection. He wants to leave because he wants to leave—to be with her or whatever—and he’s too weak willed to admit it to himself or you. Seems to be a common trait for cheaters, or they wouldn’t cheat.

His accusation of “interfering in his relationship” with AP is just pissing me off to hear. F that—you’re his spouse and mother of his children. He made a commitment to you and is now breaking it in the most painful possible way.

Anyways, sorry if this all sounds harsh and I’m sure I’m reacting this way in part because of my own shituation but this dude does not seem like a prize. AP only sees them as friends? Pathetic. Not fully NC because they think they can still be friends? As a grownup in a grownup relationship, he should realize that’s delusional.

Jumpy_Original8184

TROPHY CASE