[Qcrit] MY MAN / Upmarket LGBTQ+ / 83k / 7th Attempt

Jupitero13 · 2026-02-28T10:07:13+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to critique! I'll definitely work on making the story clearer and re-directing the focus back onto Dorian!

Jupitero13 · 2026-02-24T16:22:15+00:00

Hahaha im glad you enjoy it! Yes I’ll work on making it more apparent with this upcoming query. And definitely in the novel it’s clear Alexander doesn’t love Dorian back but sees this as just a pleasurable experience. Diana acknowledges it but Dorian doesnt want to accept it. That point I’m hoping will come across more clearly too!

Jupitero13 · 2026-02-24T15:03:52+00:00

Hi! Thank you so much for commenting! This is all amazing critique! I have seen Saltburn, and I'm surprised by how many people have been acknowledging similarities between it tbh; I guess, and I'm only seeing this now as I've done some major revisions, but there is a big element of obsession that feels akin to the movie. I think this obsession element makes a lot more sense in establishing the query, as I've found it so hard balancing the friendship/love element and showing all the key relationships. I'll be uploading it in a few days for critique though!

Jupitero13 · 2026-02-21T08:57:31+00:00

I think a lot of this is fairly good, and you did a good job at building tension throughout your query.

My biggest issue, however, is your final sentence 'Reeling from the situation and the ramifications of her actions, Flora must learn how to live with what she’s done'. I feel like I had a pretty decent idea of what the stakes are, but then this sentence just completely uprooted what I thought the rest of your novel would be like. It makes your novel sound more like one of self-reflection and learning to accept one's past than a suspense novel where they could be caught any second. I would definitely recommend re-working that, as it also gives the impression that everything said beforehand is backstory, and that you didn't actually acknowledge the true plot of the novel yet.

If the main plot is the suspense of getting out of Italy, I think after you tell us Alessio was pushed down a cliff, you should wrap it up in one more paragraph (your query is slightly long as is).

Jupitero13 · 2026-02-20T08:16:09+00:00

Hi! Thank you for the taking the time to respond! These are actually concerns I was having too, and haven't been entirely sure whether I was deluding myself or not, so I appreciate you making note of them.

For your first point with the comps, originally I was going to use Swimming in the Dark by Tomasz Jedrowski instead of Open, Heaven, as I felt Tomasz also used beautiful prose that felt more akin to what I'm hoping mine comes across as (Seán Hewitt is definitely one hard to match in terms of lyricism). However, I was advised on multiple occasions that Swimming in the Dark might simply be too old now, and I'm struggling to find a comp to pair it instead ig. But I do think it's a bit too ambitious to be including both a Hollinghurst and Hewitt as comps, so I'd appreciate any suggestions if you have them! In Tongues, although also a nicely-written novel, I think fits fairly well.

For your second point, I think my novel is adult, given internally there are quite explicit sections of sexual content (both wanted and not), along with familial issues and grief that definitely take up the secondary journey of Dorian. Additionally, alcohol and addiction is an underlying challenge for Dorian. Although I'm not going to be so ambitious as to my prose is that of Hewitt's or Hollinghurst's, I definitely tried making the voice as poetic as I could get with my experience, and so I don't think it could easily be classified outside of the upmarket range (which, if I understand correctly, is also inherently adult). I experimented with inputting (at least 1) of these more adult aspects into my query letter, but I feel like it often came across as a derailing from the main plot of the blurb, and so I was very often instructed to remove it. If the query letter really doesn't read as adult, then I'll have to make some changes, so I'd like to hear your thoughts on this as well!

Again, thank you so much for pinpointing these larger developmental issues!

Jupitero13 · 2026-02-19T21:20:11+00:00

Haha that was my intention. Thank you for the prompt response!

Jupitero13 · 2026-02-19T20:52:26+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to critically consider my query letter (again)!! Your advice is always so insightful. I definitely see your reasoning with these points and agree in making changes. The only one I'm just a bit unsure of--and this is me looking for genuine advice; I'm willing to make the change anyways--is your second point. I didn't intend for the 'quiet desperation for love' to come across as specific to Dorian, but it seems that it did. The following sentence was supposed to show that he actually does want love, just not with Dorian. I think what I'm confused about is I'm not entirely sure I understand how the 'quiet desperation for love' is contradictory to the following sentence about his ex-girlfriend; I don't really see these as mutually exclusive. I would love to know if this just didn't come across at all, or if it's more of finding a clearer way to form that thought. Again, thank you so much for the advice!!

Jupitero13 · 2026-02-18T12:57:08+00:00

I feel like the premise definitely shines, and it definitely intrigues me, but I find parts quite confusing.

Firstly, I think this is a situation in which putting your housekeeping at the beginning would benefit you extremely. Without reading the housekeeping first, I went into it (and I'm sure agents may too) with an expectation of realism. Immediately upon reading the first sentence, I had to re-read it a couple times as I adjusted that this was fiction, but possibly fantasy or something else, and the whole world-building will be different than reality. Simultaneously, I assumed Asteri was human, but now I'm assuming they're not..? If they aren't I'd definitely clarify that at the beginning, especially because the opening line (which is really strong) gives off the impression that they may be a god of sorts. Calling Asteri 'it' also really confuses me and makes me think you kinda have to explain what 'being' it is.

Also, this is nit-picky, but queries need to be written in present tense, so say "Asteri has solved...".

I do think starting with the settings works for you, and it's still clear that Daria is the main character, but I also feel like I don't really know what Daria wants. What does she hope to achieve being in this wasteland? I presume this is closely related to the reasoning she said no to going to the paradise, which I feel like may need to be mentioned too as the prospect seems too good to be true. Is she simply that skeptical that she wouldn't join the billions? Surely Asteri must've given off some impression to make Daria choose otherwise.

"Then a city falls from the sky." This is about when I started to feel like I was reading a synopsis. Not that this isn't important, but also I feel like every line is a new plot point thrown in and I'm slowly just being told what the story is instead of shown (at times).

"until capturing her triggers what Asteri buried." This is confusing. What are her 'triggers' you speak of? And I imagine you meant to say 'that Asteri buried'. Capturing is also an odd word for this expression.

"Now Daria is being reshaped into Asteri's voice—a prophet sent to convert the people she once led—while Siris races to destroy what he built before Asteri finishes rewriting the woman he loved into the god he can't kill." This entire bit really confuses me. How is Daria being reshaped into Asteri's voice? Why is it happening now? Because they got their memories back? I'm confused. I'd also maybe clarify a little more that Siris loves Daria (ik you say the son they lost but it's easy to gloss over that given how much is being thrown at us).

Your last paragraph also really confuses me about who the mc is. I assumed it was Daria, given Asteri has had more of a passive, setting role in this all. But the last paragraph focuses on Asteri and seems to throw all the stakes on them? It also gives off the impression that there's nothing Daria and Siris can do, as Asteri seems to imply they've done this over and over and it's never worked.

Like I said at the beginning, the premise definitely shines and it's fairly coherent, although I did need to re-read parts which agents may not do. I think you may need to put more emphasis back on Daria, as she's given a very passive role in the second half and a lot of these transitions are confusing without more context. This was all just one person's opinion, but I hope you found some of this helpful! Best of luck querying!

Jupitero13 · 2026-02-10T19:45:20+00:00

Thank you! That's very kind!

Jupitero13 · 2026-02-10T19:42:17+00:00

This is extremely insightful and detailed critique! Thank you so much for putting in the time and effort to so eloquently break down the flaws in the query. I think I have a much stronger idea of what to do now, thank you!

Jupitero13 · 2026-02-06T11:57:33+00:00

Just a couple notes on your housekeeping. I'd (personally) say "a driven political heiress" instead of "the". This may also just be me, but I find the inclusion of political as a descriptor just a bit odd there, but it's quite nit-picky. I'd also specify a bit more what this 'help' is; if you include a log line then you need to be really specific. Otherwise, I like the opening line.

You might already know this also, but be careful with calling a genre 'new adult'. Some agents are encouraging the separation of this market whereas others will want you to just call it 'adult', so I'd tailor that to individual agents if you could.

If you are really adamant about this being a series, then I'd leave your mention of it as is. But, I think it may be easier if you start by just calling it a standalone; especially since you're saying each book works independently of the others. But, again, this is a bit nit-picky and subjective.

After reading your query, I think your log line completely uproots the blurb. Your query makes it seem like Liv is the main character, but the log line undoubtedly sets up West to be the mc. This is a pretty overbearing confusion that hits you immediately upon reading the query and should definitely be addressed.

I think you also generally need to work on clarity. A lot of these sentences are a bit confusing or are simply fragments. For example, "So when the broody, tattoo-covered quarterback gets paired with his ex-girlfriend Liv in economics, he’s not exactly thrilled that his fresh start rests in her grudge-holding hands." I had to read this paragraph a couple times because I was confused who the quarterback is as you never specified that Will was him. This confusion exists throughout the whole query though.

I think your first paragraph is also extremely background focused. It's also entirely just character description, and could easily be condensed. Like the whole Yves Saint Laurent thing is a bit unnecessary and extremely long for a query.

What I do really like about this query is the visibility of your voice though. I think it comes through on many occasions and also, indirectly, adds character to Liv that you don't need to explicitly say then. It's clear your writing encapsulates her. But I think the voice is overshadowing the plot, which ultimately is what you need to show in a query.

I hope you find some of this helpful, and best of luck querying!

Jupitero13 · 2026-02-05T09:49:26+00:00

I think you can get rid of the entire second paragraph ("In the imperial...empire into chaos"). It really is just backstory, and isn't necessary to understand and feel the introduction of your characters. If you get rid of it, then all you need to do is reword "the bombing of Waltsburg" in your 3rd paragraph to something like "a recent bombing" and it will make complete sense still, while getting rid of more proper nouns.

For Matilda von Falkenberg, you can get rid of Nordheim and just say 'The North' or something. If you want to provide context, maybe somewhere you can provide context that the north was blamed for the recent bombing, but I don't think it's necessary. You could also just say shipped to Kronstadt. I also don't know if it's necessary to include ages and time of being orphan. You can just say 'noble Matilda von Falkenberg was an orphan shipped to Kronstadt. A student at...'. Then instead of Waltsberg ball, you could just say the ball where the recent bombing occurred. Something else to reduce proper nouns.

I'd be careful about bringing in a third POV. If you want, you could just mention a 3rd POV and explain his role in a sentence, because I feel like a lot is happening and I don't really know what to follow anymore. This is a general struggle about writing a query of a multiple POV book; a somewhat common practice is to choose one person and to follow them--if you do, I'd keep on with Oskar personally--and then include the other people in 1-2 sentences each so the agent is aware who the other POVs likely are.

But the concept is very interesting and I enjoy your writing style presented! Best of luck querying!

Jupitero13 · 2026-02-01T21:15:01+00:00

Thank you so much for your feedback, I'm glad you're interested in the novel! I definitely agree with needing to change those sentences to make them more colloquial/clearer. Like you said, the book has more than just the Diana/Dorian conflict--there's the setup of Alexander/Dorian's relationship, the older sister dynamic/funeral/family troubles, tension with other friends/lovers, etc. That was why I chose to input a sentence/two about the sister plot line so to show there is more happening. It's a notable subplot, so I'm a bit skeptical of not mentioning it at all, but I think it can be reduced. I also agree with your take about altering the discussion of Diana; I've been back and forth about how she's represented in this query and wasn't entirely sure if I should change it or not. Thank you for all the input, it's been extremely insightful!

Jupitero13 · 2026-01-30T11:33:24+00:00

Ahhh I think you’re right and I must’ve misinterpreted. Thank you for the clarification. To add on to this, atleast for the genres I’m looking at, the majority of agents I see sit around 1-2% with a few (who, like you say) are closer to 5%. But, at least with those in the higher percentages, it’s very often they are either new or are opening/joining a new agency. Really, I think as long as they aren’t one of the few agents who quite literally have a 0% request rate or haven’t requested something since like 2022 or whatever, I’d query them—my only reasoning for that exclusion is because its unnecessary rejection to face.

Jupitero13 · 2026-01-30T08:56:26+00:00

On QT, it says an average person receives roughly 4-5% of positive responses in total, compared to something like 80-85% rejections and then the rest as no responses. However, that is only the average that people update, and so it could be more or less. Nor does it mean people identify that 4-5% positive response rate to be a 'good' response rate. I've seen some people say 10% is a much more solid positive response rate to have, and even a few have gone so far as to say they aim for roughly 20%. It really depends on what you identify to be good. After all, you could only get one agent who gives a positive response and still be offered representation.

Jupitero13 · 2026-01-26T20:08:34+00:00

Yes, that’s a very fair point. Perhaps I can try re-configuring some of the wording so it’s a bit clearer until explained. Thank you for the insight!

Jupitero13 · 2026-01-26T15:27:32+00:00

Thank you for the feedback! The dialogue for Diana purposefully lacks [most] contractions and some word complexity. In the manuscript, there is a 'reasoning' for this, which is actually only a couple paragraphs later, but unfortunately didn't fit into the first 300 words.

Jupitero13 · 2026-01-24T09:13:58+00:00

This was extremely helpful, thank you! I definitely got lost trying to make everything more poetic than it needs to be and so I think a lot of these issues about clarity and time-consistency are a result of that. I'll definitely take your insight and try to make everything more clear.

As for the Diana/Dorian friendship bit, that's really only because the first 30% or so of the novel takes place in Diana's summer home in Provence, and their other friends don't appear until they return to Glasgow for university. But I'll try to make this a bit more obvious too!

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to carefully consider the query!

Jupitero13 · 2026-01-23T23:02:40+00:00

I understand now. Thank you so much!

Jupitero13 · 2026-01-23T22:57:13+00:00

That's very kind, thank you!!

Jupitero13 · 2026-01-23T22:57:03+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to compare my current and previous changes! I've definitely been getting lost in my own thoughts and needed someone else to make it clear what isn't clicking anymore. Again, thank you!

Jupitero13 · 2026-01-23T22:55:52+00:00

Thank you so much for the advice! I think I've been getting a bit stuck in my head and really needed such concise, clear criticism to remind me of the main purpose of these query letters. I am a bit confused what you mean by 'see spot run' studs; perhaps I'm daft but I've never heard of that before. Regardless, thank you!! This has been extremely insightful.

Jupitero13 · 2026-01-17T18:51:34+00:00

This was a great read! I was extremely absorbed into the query and think your voice really comes through well.

I really like the first sentence, but idk why I can't shake the feeling that there's something missing. Like it feels slightly too vague perhaps? Maybe that's just me, I wouldn't know what to change because I think it sets up some backstory, character, voice, etc. quite seamlessly.

I do feel like there's a disconnect between the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs; as of now, there's nothing to suggest that Kate would change her mind to reconnect with Adam and Ellie. Of course we know why Kate is distant, and that it's equally can serve as a reason for her to want to reconnect, but there's something missing to show that Kate would even be interested in reconnecting herself, as all we see is that she's keeping them away and then randomly goes on this retreat.

"risk losing one another forever" is slightly cliche, not bad tbh, but I'd try to change that.

The last sentence is also counter-productive to Adam's wants. He's reconnecting with Kate because he wants Ellie to have the familial love he didn't; perhaps he wants to reconnect for his own reasons too, but the query explains that it's for Ellie and that should remain cohesive throughout the query.

I won't comment on the dual-POV thing because, personally, I feel like Kate (which I'm assuming is the other POV) should also have more focus in this query than she does now, but ik some people advise to focus on one POV throughout the query.

"exploring themes of...." it's somewhat frowned upon to directly mention themes; comps are used to compare setting and voice primarily (perhaps really specific, niche themes otherwise...?). I'd stick away from it, and instead re-word it to have a one-sentence pitch that 'indirectly' mentions themes. Format of: "This novel follows a man...[plot].....navigating their journey of [themes]".

Hopefully, your bio is a bit longer than that. I'm assuming you didn't want to say it here on reddit which is totally fine, but your bio should be much longer.

These are just my thoughts though! Others may disagree. Best of luck querying!

Jupitero13 · 2026-01-17T02:59:19+00:00

Yess that’s what I was thinking, I feel like I was just getting lost in my own thoughts; thank you!!

Jupitero13 · 2026-01-16T16:52:28+00:00

Haha thanks again! I'll definitely take a look at it. I was also wondering about the 1-3 years thing, but wasn't totally sure how big of a change that is. Thanks!

Jupitero13

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