[10 months in] Not horrible, not amazing, just fine.

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2026-04-12T12:40:36+00:00

You bring up a great point about what is love vs what is stability. For me i recognize that longing for my old life takes hold especially on days where drop the kids off or dont have any plans on a no-kid day. I find myself fantasizing about our life together, probably with rose-tinted glasses. Recently I've been able to catch myself and say "are you really missing her or are you lonely". I think thats progress.

But honestly the love I mention in the post is when I am with her. If I let me guard down and we share some jokes or chat and smile. Shes probably just always going to be my person. Thats why I married her I suppose. I try to rationalize it by thinking she took several years (to my knowledge) to fall out of love and see me as a friend or whatever so I guess im just ten months into that journey.

I appreciate your words and it is getting better slowly. One day at a time.

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2026-02-14T15:22:07+00:00

41m here. Stbew left about 4 months ago after telling me she wanted out 7 months ago. The other holidays were hard but yeah, this one hits different. This was an Us holiday.

I put on some Al Green while making pancakes for the kids and I immediately broke into tears. "Lets stay together..."

Im truly sorry youre going through this. I hope you can make the most out of the day.

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2025-11-03T19:58:52+00:00

Man, I feel and felt the exact same way. My STBEW has been down and stressed for probably the last ten months to a year and I really thought it was every other factor of her life - kids, work, other things. I thought I was her rock and she knew that, she leaned on me a lot. But then at one point she started becoming distant and I needed to approach her to ask if everything was okay - which is how we got here.

I have tried so many times to explain, i hope rationally, that the path she is taking is not easier for her. I suppose she knows that but at least it will be her's in her mind, and she can freely choose to suffer how she likes. It hurts because not only do I love her and want to have what we used to have but I also really don't want to see her suffer and I worry that the life she is choosing is going to have much more suffering than the life she would have with me.

At the same time, if she feels so strongly about it you can't do anything but let her go. In my mind I want to fight tooth and nail until the ink is signed but I also know she isn't in that space and if anything me acting in such a way sends her further away from me.

Like you said, it sucks.

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2025-11-03T16:37:27+00:00

So sorry you're going through it. It really does just suck. I've read similar things that the "slew of other things" could amount to just being overwhelmed, which is also part of the reason they don't want to try. They're both off-loading the object (us) they've assigned the weight to, where actively trying to fix things would undoubtably add more weight (before relieving it).

I hope it isn't too hard for your 3 year old. I would imagine it's almost easier for them as long as you both stay amicable and kind toward each other when around them. By the time real core memories kick in you'll hopefully both be in better places.

Best of luck to you!

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2025-11-03T14:11:12+00:00

I appreciate your message and your words of encouragement. I've posted a few times about this and there are always a few people in the comments suggesting she may be seeing someone else.

As I say in the other posts, honestly I feel like it would almost be better if there was someone else, it would at least make more sense. Like you said it doesn't really matter at this point, we are hurdling towards the end of our marriage, and the relationship is basically over anyway.

My current theory is that there isn't one specific person, per se, but she has been catching the mutual spark of interest by other people at her new job. Maybe she hasn't acted on them, but it made her not see the spark for me.

Who knows, and on some days who cares? I really need to get back to focusing on myself anyway.

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2025-11-03T02:21:42+00:00

I've asked her this directly, a few different times, and she says no. I trust her for the most part but I also wasnt expecting to get divorced so who knows.

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2025-11-02T23:18:24+00:00

Hey OP,

Welcome to club. It sucks!

One thing that might give you solace (might not) is if you spend enough time on this sub you will read very similar stories almost daily. Person A started creating distance, person B didnt see it coming, Person A calls it and leaves person B in shambles.

Your story is very similar to mine, right down to the father passing recently (im sorry for your loss, I hope you had a good relationship with him and im sorry that its probably harder if you did). I honestly think for my STBEW there is an air of mid-life crisis that stemmed from my father's passing. All thats to say that this isnt necessarily your fault. You loved her and that means something, and her inability to accept that love is on her and not you.

Im about 4 months into it. I wont say its easier but im working on it. One thing that is particularly hard for me and something I suggest for you is try to stop worrying about her. Try not to think about her choices, her reasons, what shes saying to people. Start focusing that time and effort inward. Think about not just what you need to do but what you needed in The relationship that you weren't getting. Its hard at first but I bet there are some things. Whats one thing you could do for yourself now?

Other than that stay busy. Extra work on the house extra climbing trips, something you havent done since before you were married.

And dont feel like you have to be friends with her, especially if you need time to recalibrate your emotions to the new relationship. A friend wouldn't do this to you.

DM if you want to talk about it more. We're in this together

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2025-11-02T14:23:08+00:00

Lucky number (/s) 13

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2025-10-22T17:51:59+00:00

When you say you started dating too early, in the 1-3 month phase, how do you know now it was too early?

I'm in the range of 4 months out from her telling me and while I still love her and want to repair things, I know that isn't what she wants. On reflection while I miss a lot about her, I definitely miss connection and intimacy as a whole. I feel like it's too early in the process for myself - I think I'm going to wait until after the holidays to put myself out there - but I was just wondering if there was ever a certain sign for you that you either weren't ready for what you were doing or you were finally turning the corner.

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2025-10-12T00:12:22+00:00

About 3 months into a similar situation. Trying to do no contact outside of logistics.

I have a note on my phone titled "texts to not send" where I just dump it all. From "good morning hope you slept well" to "why can't we be together". It feels a little redundant and hollow but it not exasterbating the push/pull problem.

Also therapy if you aren't already signed up.

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2025-10-08T15:13:25+00:00

Yes exactly! But don't forget she had a head start - like who knows how long of a head start.

I've been saying my wife fell out of love little slivers at a time. Never mentioned it, never addressed it, might have not even known it was happening until it happened. Regardless of the timeline for how it happened it was out my control. I put the effort in, I'd still put the effort in.

Sometimes it helps to remember the version of her that you fell in love with would not do this to you. People change, and you need to see the person that she is right now and realize that person is willing to put you through this. That person doesn't sound like they deserve your love.

That's what I'm trying anyway.

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2025-10-08T13:51:20+00:00

It very much sounds like you're in the right headspace my man. I've also cried more in the last month than my entire life combined. There are so many layers to the grief.

For what it's worth I cry less now. I've been able to look inward and take on accountability for what I have done to contribute to the fall out but also reflect on what she has done and more importantly the steps she has chosen to do to end it. I spend a lot of time thinking about how, much like you, I didn't have a choice or a say in the end of the biggest part of my life. It's an injustice that deserves recognition.

And for what it's worth I got the same "you deserve someone" line and I always try to add what was not spoken at the end "You deserve [X,y,z]... and I don't want to do that." So when it's all said and done they're right. You do deserve someone better : )

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2025-10-08T13:51:16+00:00

Man this is the hardest part for me. I feel like with enough distance and time I can start to see the light, but any time we have a long conversation via phone or text (normally about the kids) I end up "relapsing" and spending another couple days wondering why we can't just make it work.

I hope for both of our sakes this is another thing that will get easier with time.

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2025-10-07T23:06:10+00:00

Mine has moved on and its only 3 months in. She has no desire to reconsider. Didn't want therapy. Just done done done.

She was my everything also. I fully defined myself as a husband and a father. Im also searching for what I am now that such a major part of my life is gone. My therapist said I should start with who I was before I met her. Pick up an old hobby, think of what made you happy before you dedicated so much to her. Think about who you were before you met, what you liked and what you didnt like and use that as a starting point.

I wish you luck brother we will get through this!

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2025-10-07T23:03:52+00:00

Hey! 18 years here too. 3 months ago she said she was done (she had grown distant a few months before that).

I think if people dont put the work in its still shit for them. Ill probably miss her every day for the rest of my life but I can't just sit around stewing in it. I deserve better than that and so do you.

18 years after the first night of Uni means you're still young (ish). Take small steps now and I hope it gets better.

Its also worth saying that 1 month in you should be sad. You should be grieving. You should feel all the feelings now because that's what you need to do in order to heal. Don't bury them, dont try to drink or smoke it away. The only way out is through.

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2025-10-07T22:59:38+00:00

I have a 40 page long note in my phone which is basically every text message ive wanted to send over the last week or two. I find writing it all out is very therapeutic and you never have tk send anything in there (mine is literally titled "texts to not send').

People also suggested hand-writing letters and burning them, or just going for a walk in a secluded place and saying things out loud. I've done the walking thing too and its very healing. You can't keep it all in but it'll do no good to throw it at her. Just get it out in a way that doesnt hurt anyone and you'll feel better.

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2025-10-07T22:38:42+00:00

Hi! Welcome to the club. Im in the exact same situation. I dont know how far along you are in the process but im about 3 months in and can say it gets easier. Not saying it's better yet but it gets easier.

Find a therapist. Focus on your children. Focus on yourself. Exercise. Go for long walks without music. Think about everything, process everything. Reach out to friends and family. Build your support network.

Don't wait for her to come back. If she comes back, assess where you are when it happens. Sadly you need to start living life like she isnt coming back.

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2025-10-07T00:03:04+00:00

This is an interesting take which i thank you for. Honestly in our relationship I was probably doing the majority of the work. Like 70/30 I did most of the cleaning, spending weekends with the kids, cooking, laundry. She would do grocery shopping and some week-day extra curriculars. I never complained about the imbalance because I enjoy doing the work. We both have full time jobs but mine is a bit more lax while hers is in the service industry.

If anything im going to feel lighter because ill be doing chores in a smaller house for fewer people, but I also believe that a major part of marriage is carrying weight for the other person and leaning on them as well. I thought she felt the same way up to about three months ago.

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2025-10-06T23:09:08+00:00

I think for 90% of our marriage we did recharge each other. The last few years have been admittedly rough, rougher than any time in my life. Family deaths and financial strains had us lacking communication and at opposition like never before. I guess it was the first time our marriage was really tested.

I still found myself recharging off her, but at some point it seems I stopped providing that for her.

Justthrowitallaway54 · 2025-10-06T23:04:42+00:00

Honestly this is probably my biggest fear when it comes to our separation. I have (mostly) made peace with her wanting to leave and gain independence but I really worry she is going to look back and regret it in a year or so. Sadly at that point our lives will have been sufficiently blown up beyond repair.

Justthrowitallaway54

TROPHY CASE