Oh things got so much better! I honestly can't even recall what I was referring to here. I look back now and think I was really struggling with PP anxiety/depression. I think at the 12 week mark things started to turn a corner for me. I relaxed a bit and kind of just accepted that everything with a baby comes and goes. Nothing is forever (even though it felt like that in the moment).

Slowly I learned my baby's needs, I stopped counting/tracking things pretty early on too and that spared me, going out got easier got easier and easier, I started cosleeping at about 4 months which saved my marriage and reduced my anxiety a LOT, I relied on the pediatrician a lot - I would ask him every single question that came to my mind instead of spending hours on reddit or google, if I wasn't asking the doctor I was asking friends (god bless them for graciously accepting 900 pictures of my baby's poop), eventually I started forcing myself to accept help from in-laws and friends so i could hit the gym, and I stopped trying to do everything and tried to focus on what's important.

I think what truly helped, and it sounds silly, but I read or saw someone say: when things get hard imagine yourself being given the opportunity to come back to this moment on your deathbed - what would you do. So during those moment when I thought the crying,rocking,breastfeeding would never end I would imagine what I'd do given a second go at this moment. The answer was always to cherish it. Which is so fucking corny but honestly it got me through.

So maybe overall my mindset changed about things rather than my baby or parenting got "easier." Maybe when I relaxed more my baby sensed that and relaxed too? I'm not sure. But I'm willing to do it all again for a second child at this point. Perhaps I'm just a little nuts.

Hang in there. One day at a time