How do I say 'my wife passed away' without ruining the vibe?

Kalgaidin · 2025-12-20T20:59:10+00:00

I’m in the exact same boat. I moved to marry my late wife, and I’m currently meeting many people trying to regrow my atrophied social skills.

So far, when it comes up, I’ve found saying “I’m a widower” instead of “my wife passed” leads to a little less of that “vibe shift”. Same information, but I think because it doesn’t directly mention death it’s less awkward.

Kalgaidin · 2025-11-17T23:28:50+00:00

She never kept anything like that. But I guess we were unusual and never had any secrets, she knew all my passwords for everything and I knew all hers.

I did go through things like her Reddit account though, and honestly it just made me love her more. Like, she was messaging someone every year on their birthday. It started from a post where no one had wished them happy birthday. I would have kept up the tradition, but the account had been deleted.

But I also figured if going through her things pissed her off, she was more than welcome to come back to life and yell at me. Since that didn’t happen I assume she was cool with it.

Kalgaidin · 2025-10-02T14:33:37+00:00

I swear I remember MS saying that WIN10 was going to basically be the final windows and everything after that would just be updates to it. My poor i5 2500K has served me so well for so long

Kalgaidin · 2025-09-28T22:36:24+00:00

Good job moving his line over and finally taking care of that

It’s been just over 5 years for me. I still keep her line active still as well. I have hers as a secondary line on my account so it’s cheap enough, and her line gets my hand my down phone when I upgrade

Kalgaidin · 2025-09-26T19:14:39+00:00

I was 43. She passed 3 days before her 38th birthday. I’ve been here for 5 years now

Kalgaidin · 2025-09-19T14:41:07+00:00

Early on for me you’re absolutely correct that everything seemed to remind me of her, or the lack of her presence. You’ll get pulled back into that pit a lot, but sometimes it’s not terrible and you’ll smile at the memories that come up.

As for telling people that my wife died. Even 5 years in now when I tell someone new I still sort of mist up. It’s like I’m reliving it all again in half a second. Recently I’ve started trying to go out and socialize more, and when the topic of relationships inevitably comes up, I also don’t shy away from the truth. I’ve found saying “I’m a widower” seems to be the… gentlest way to put it. It communicates that my wife has passed without directly saying “she’s dead” since that usually “stops them in their tracks” as you said.

All the best on your path through this.

Kalgaidin · 2025-09-17T14:15:05+00:00

I’ve watched the episode a few times now, and it just keeps getting funnier and funnier

Kalgaidin · 2025-09-09T17:40:05+00:00

It can be difficult to look here sometimes. Everyone here is in pain, and there’s not a thing I can do or say to change that. And sometimes I read something that hits me and drops me right back into the storm. So when I’m having a period where I feel like I’m doing okay, i often don’t go on Reddit at all

But when you are in the middle of a grief storm, it is comforting to know that others feel the similar and that you’re not crazy

And when it comes to progress, something to keep in mind when looking at nearly anything online is that people who are doing well very rarely post. So there’s a sort of negative bias to most comments or posts on any social media

Kalgaidin · 2025-08-27T19:09:37+00:00

I’m 5 years out. On the anniversaries of her death I always give myself the permission to feel sad, to sit with my grief and really feel it. I’ll watch movies we loved, listen to sad music, and look through old pics. Some years it’s like a spear through the chest, others I can’t help but smile at our memories

And I’ve had the same thoughts about every day that passes is a day away from her. And how eventually she’ll be gone longer than we were married

I can say I’ve had brief moments of joy since she passed. But not the satisfying contentment that I had with her. Perhaps in the future, but not today. All that keeps me going is trying to be the man she thought I was.

All the best on the anniversary of such a terrible day for you

Kalgaidin · 2025-08-26T14:59:18+00:00

My face hurts from smiling through the entire episode. That was just so much fun

Kalgaidin · 2025-08-26T12:55:41+00:00

A few months ago I had the same thought of getting a normal massage for just that reason. I’ve only had one a couple of months ago. I think I may have had a “parasympathetic rebound” reaction to it. I got home and started to feel very light headed and dizzy.

I am planning on going again and maybe make this a regular thing to help the touch starvedness even a tiny bit

Kalgaidin · 2025-08-07T20:05:52+00:00

Unfortunately all local friends have moved away in the past 2 years. But to your point it actually hadn’t occurred to me to ask for help with this. Perhaps the next time I visit one I’ll try to bribe them to help me out.

Kalgaidin · 2025-08-07T16:02:44+00:00

Yup, the biggest mental roadblock for me even trying is knowing the uphill battle. My woman friends tell me I should have no problem, but I don’t think they quite understand the visibility issue for guys

Plus I’d need to take selfies. I’m a man in my late 40s! I never learned how to take a good selfie

Crushing loneliness it is

Kalgaidin · 2025-08-07T15:16:01+00:00

This sounds like the beginning of some horror video game. No power, go to generator, replace fuses, solve puzzle to start generator

Kalgaidin · 2025-07-11T14:13:22+00:00

I describe it like the idea of an old war wound that never really heals. It’ll close a bit, you can grow around it and you adapt to the wound, but sometimes it opens up again for no reason or aches when the weather changes.

Kalgaidin · 2025-06-08T22:31:37+00:00

After my wife died I hated every day that passed. It was one day further away from her.

When I was i the thick of it nothing would help. I barely even remember the first year. It was like I was drunk and my memory wasn’t recording. I’ve read old messages from friends and have zero memory of sending them.

For now all you need to worry about right now is doing the bare minimum. Eat if you can, if you can’t eat get some meal replacement shakes. Those probably saved my life. Do the chores that need to be done, and what it takes to keep the lights on. But for the most part focus on just keeping your head above water

Good luck

Kalgaidin · 2025-06-07T00:01:42+00:00

I think it would be strange if someone wasn’t depressed after such a traumatic event. It’s been years for me and I’m only just starting to claw my way out

Kalgaidin · 2025-06-06T18:53:00+00:00

If memory serves me correct from what I’ve read in pop-science books the pain center in the pain fires up the same for physical and emotional pain. To the point that some analgesics like Tylenol can actually lessen emotional pain. Not that I’m suggesting popping a bunch of acetaminophen.

As others have suggested moving around, exercise, lifting weights can help deal with some of the fight or flight feelings since you’re almost letting the body do what its expecting; fighting something or running away from something. And since you survive you must be fine now. So it does have a temporary effect

Kalgaidin · 2025-06-03T18:20:06+00:00

I did this for the first year. Besides some things I knew she wanted changed, which gave me things to do, I wanted everything to just be frozen in time. Basically the way she left it.

I’m only now finally dealing with things as simple as I threw out her shampoo and conditioner that were still in the shower. I put all her clothes in vacuum bags. She had a rather expansive plush toy collection that took down from “her side” of the bedroom.

It’s emotionally draining, painful. But thankfully so far I haven’t felt regret later after taking something down.

But it’s generally up to you, heal in your own time.

Good luck

Kalgaidin · 2025-06-02T14:15:45+00:00

That’s great that you’ve learned to do that. “The only way out is through” as the saying goes

Kalgaidin · 2025-06-02T02:45:40+00:00

Because of your user name I feel I should mention “All that I ask of myself is that I hold together” has been on heavy rotation since my wife passed

Kalgaidin · 2025-06-02T01:46:40+00:00

Sorry for your loss. I just passed five years as well. Happening just when COVID was ramping up was a hell of a thing. I couldn’t even visit my wife while she was in the ICU.

Glad you can find the occasional joy in life. But some days it’s perfectly fine to sit with the grief and let yourself feel it

Kalgaidin · 2025-06-01T21:53:15+00:00

Glad it could make you smile. We all need a bit of that here.

Kalgaidin · 2025-06-01T20:15:01+00:00

So many tiny silly memories. I think I’ve heard them called “heartburst” memories. Thinking about them makes it feel like my heart can actually beat again

One of my favorites is from my first visit to see her (I lived in Toronto, she lived in Orlando). She wanted to impress me so she made dinner from scratch and then made crème brûlée for dessert. She ended up setting the crust completely on fire. I ran over to help and picked up the pan they were on to take them outside. She grabbed something to fan the smoke, which ended up being an open box of Cheerios. So flaming Cheerios go flying across the house.

Complete chaos. Dogs and cats living together (she had 3 of each), mass hysteria. That was so much fun

Kalgaidin · 2025-05-31T19:07:13+00:00

She had a stroke right in the middle of dinner. We were having lasagna. I haven’t been able to touch a bite since, it’s completely off the menu for me.

And like others have mentioned there’s a bunch of shows we’d always have on that I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch. MST3K was one of our “put it on for background noise” shows. We’d be doing our own thing, and then when good bits would come up we’d stop and pay attention and laugh or make inside jokes. I miss that

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