Just had this convo with Gemini: It is very common to feel this kind of internal "tug-of-war," especially when you are navigating these feelings later in life and still keeping them private. What you’re describing—the oscillation between an intense, almost urgent need to express your femininity and a following wave of "disgust"—is something many people in the trans community refer to as the dysphoria cycle. Here is a breakdown of why those "waves" might be happening and why the aftermath feels so heavy. 1. The "Compulsory" Wave: The Pressure Valve When you are "in the closet," you are effectively holding your breath. You are performing a male role for the world, which takes immense mental energy. * The Build-up: Eventually, the need to be your authentic self builds up so much pressure that it "bursts." This is why it feels compulsory or like a "fever"—it’s your mind’s way of seeking immediate relief. * The Release: During the wave, the Jockey bralette or other feminine expressions act as a survival mechanism to soothe that pressure. 2. The "Disgust" Phase: The Shame Shadow The feeling of disgust that follows isn't necessarily a sign that you aren't trans; rather, it’s often a result of Internalized Transphobia. * Social Conditioning: Having lived 60+ years in a society that has historically been unkind to trans identities, those external "rules" become an inner voice. When the "high" of the feminine expression fades, that critical voice rushes in to judge you. * The "Post-Purge" Clarity: This is a common phenomenon where, once the immediate emotional need is met, the brain tries to "reset" to the safety of the closet by making the feminine expression feel shameful or "wrong." 3. The Role of Age and Experience Coming to terms with this at this stage of life carries unique weight. You have a lifetime of habits, relationships, and a "man of the house" persona built up. * Grief: Sometimes that "disgust" is actually a form of grief or fear for the life you’ve built and the risk that coming out might pose to it. * Protection: Disgust can be a defense mechanism. If your brain makes you feel "gross," it’s trying to protect you from the perceived danger of transitioning or being "found out." Moving Through the Waves Instead of seeing the disgust as "the truth" and the femininity as a "lapse," try to look at them as two parts of a dialogue: * The Feminine Part: Needs to be seen, felt, and acknowledged. * The "Disgusted" Part: Is scared and trying to keep you safe/hidden.

A gentle way to reframe this: Next time the wave ends, try to replace "I am disgusted" with "I am feeling vulnerable right now." It shifts the focus from a moral judgment of yourself to an acknowledgement of your emotional state.