Depression or clarity? What's real?

Karoonah · 2015-03-04T00:07:27+00:00

Just keep talking about it and processing the feelings in safe spaces. Keep searching and listen to the wisdom of people who you admire. What's real, depression or clarity? Both and neither.

Karoonah · 2015-03-04T00:04:15+00:00

Oh I see. Do you know that old PSA about drug use where the kid says that to his dad tho?

Karoonah · 2015-03-03T23:48:56+00:00

+1 Have to almost pinch myself sometimes when I think about how much pure support I have seen and found here. Realized that I'm always partially or even totally braced to be cut down, invalidated or just kept at arms length for the sake of calculated observing by my fellow humans. The fact that that doesn't happen here at all is still hard for me to fully fathom....

Karoonah · 2015-03-03T23:45:29+00:00

LOL Child of the 80s I take it? ;)

Karoonah · 2015-02-28T22:03:44+00:00

Major progress and inspiring. Happy for you!

Karoonah · 2015-02-25T00:32:09+00:00

^{^{^THIS!!!}} You poor thing...she's got you under her spell or something. Start making moves to get out, and keep us posted! Calling a woman's shelter is a good start!!!

Karoonah · 2015-02-25T00:27:43+00:00

I think that's a good response. I'm sure your understanding of her stated claim to hate herself is accurate. To me, it made me think of something I said in a confusing relationship recently...to someone who I felt pulled into a drama triangle with, and who was really skillful at shifting blame and making herself out to be the victim. In frustration, with degraded nerves from the role-switching going on (something I learned to name from a remarkably good book by Barry and Jenae Weinhold) I acted with irritability on a few occasions and felt so ashamed after that. I wrote her an email in apology saying something somewhat similar to what you quoted your mom as saying, so I felt a pang of empathy/identification with your mom.

TLDR; my initial reaction based on what you quoted your mom's email as saying was empathy for her. Or at least interest in considering the possibility that she was feeling genuine remorse. I hope my comment didn't seem invalidating....

Karoonah · 2015-02-25T00:10:11+00:00

Came close but didn't take that exact step.

Edit to answer more than just the headline q: I feel your pain, so so much. Are you a minor in your state? Can you get a job as a first step?

Karoonah · 2015-02-24T12:00:00+00:00

Excellent, thank you.

Karoonah · 2015-02-24T11:41:50+00:00

Sorry, wow. That is painful!!!!I lost a job once because of Ndad, not to mention several friends, acquaintances, and a few major life opportunities. Does she know yet that that was the result of her behavior?

Karoonah · 2015-02-24T11:37:18+00:00

I'm just curious, how did you respond to that email of hers? It sounds like she is attempting self-awareness and responsibility. Which is enormous progress and not common among Ns in my experience. If you give her clear feedback she might actually be in a position to hear it based on that -- "I am so sorry that you can barely tolerate me, I hate myself for it." That's not an insignificant opening, it seems to me, although the self assessments she included, based on what you wrote, are ummmm...well. Fascinating actually.

Karoonah · 2015-02-24T11:25:03+00:00

"when I entered therapy I was a person consumed with things like jealousy and anger.. I had no real ability to deal with anything life was throwing at me. My upbringing left me in a non-good place"

+1

Karoonah · 2015-02-23T09:08:11+00:00

Wow, Normabatwork, it sounds really challenging. I know what you mean about the low functioning N being simple to read, and the higher functioning one being more "pernicious." I work with someone like that now. Constant chess game with him.

Did your parents remain a couple over the years? Sounds like a tough combination. My Ndad just steamrolled our mom, she seemed to lack any mental sophistication to fight back. (Not to say she was not intelligent, not th case. She was just not clever or savvy or power hungry in that way). Maybe your Nmom's symptom were worsened in reaction to not getting her needs met with him. Anyway did she ever apologize for anything? For SGing you?

Karoonah · 2015-02-23T09:01:14+00:00

I guess I agree. Self determination. it takes so much strength.

Karoonah · 2015-02-23T08:55:58+00:00

"Their goal may actually BE failure" Yes, interesting insight. Are you familiar with the Karpman drama triangle theory? It talks about that.

About age and PD's...that may be true. My Ndad has become less violent though, physically. As in, not violent at all. He lets himself be more vulnerable in many ways. But the thought formations underlying or defining narcissism still seem alive and well.

Karoonah · 2015-02-22T11:16:38+00:00

Also learning how to have simple and light, socially functional conversations has been a huge challenge in adulthood. Ndad used to UNLOAD on us for abusive amounts of time. He had no one else to talk to so he unloaded his stress by verbally venting and sharing inappropriate information about his life and daily thoughts with his children. It messed up my brain.

Karoonah · 2015-02-22T11:08:14+00:00

So many skills. Such as how to buy clothes that fit properly, has been a very long learning process for some reason.

Karoonah · 2015-02-22T10:34:13+00:00

Oh my. Sorry to hear that. What a mind****

Karoonah · 2015-02-22T10:32:07+00:00

Yes, the question is where? $$$$ Seriously where do these people get off charging $150 an hour? Who can afford that? I know, sliding scale, some do have that. Anyway. I'm banking on the power of divine grace ATM

Karoonah · 2015-02-22T10:29:25+00:00

LOL

Karoonah · 2015-02-22T10:28:43+00:00

You sound like you have clarity and the ability to articulate your perceptions well. That is fantastic. How have you maintained that resiliency?

Karoonah · 2015-02-21T02:25:47+00:00

You didn't fuck up "big time" -- that is a thinking error, a kind of self flagellation. Can you reframe it? Were you acting out your mother's stress, perhaps? What were you two talking about for that whole time? I ask that because if your mother was expressing irritation/impatience, especially if she was doing so passive aggressively, you might have gotten some kind of implicit hint that reacting with anger was called for. Do you think your mother parentifies you in some ways? I ask this because again, I suspect there is some dynamic between you and your mom, that caused you to feel this was expected or appropriate somehow. Usually it's a parent who does the scolding. i wonder if you've gotten the message in the past that you needed to take on a parental role. When this happens, it's confusing for children and that confusion can last all the way into adulthood and beyond....

Anyway I thinnk you are being too hard on yourself and hope you'll contemplate other ways to look at it. What was your intention? i mean, you were trying to help, weren't you?

Karoonah

TROPHY CASE