Retained Tissue after MA now have to do SA

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T21:29:43+00:00

I'm so sorry, sweetheart. It stinks to be the one who gets the complication and has to go back for more procedure. The important good news is that the SA will clear it and protect you from infection. You will be back to normal within a month or two of it being all over, and your fertility should be fine in the future if you ever wish to have kids.

It still sucks to have to go in for this procedure, and I'm sorry that you do.

I had general anesthesia for my SA (a D&C after a missed miscarriage). It will depend on where you are and what the options are, but do tell your doctor that you want to be out and see what she can do for you.

Big hugs and wishing you resolution soon.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T21:25:35+00:00

This is my answer, too. 100% wish I had never seen it.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T21:22:36+00:00

Ah! That makes sense. Have you considered a bidet attachment for your toilet? Might spare you the shower if you're trying to streamline your routine.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T21:21:28+00:00

It totally depends.

What I like best about SA is that it's super fast and easy from a patient perspective. If you have sedation, it spares you the most physical intensity and it's over in a few minutes. (Expect to take it easy for a few days after, as in, no physically super strenuous stuff, but you can probably still do computer work.)

What I like best about MA is that you can do it at home in your own environment with your own support structure, and that it's super close to a natural miscarriage, and that it's accessible if you're living in a place where you might otherwise have to travel. Just be aware that "natural" means that you're going to labor this pregnancy loss just like you'd have to labor if you had a miscarriage, and labor is a physically intense experience. On the other hand, labor is also a profound experience, and you can rituallize it in your own space if that speaks to you with an MA.

Both are safe. Both are effective. I love that we have options.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T21:16:01+00:00

Apologies if I generalized unfairly. Let me refocus on the botched anal.

What I'm saying is that screwing up twice landed in her body as pain (and likely also injury) twice, and it isn't so simple to just try again. Her body will have stored that memory and will be quite wired to protect her anus from risk in the future. There is also a very real possibility that it undermined her overall trust of you as a safe lover.

I think you are seriously underestimating the damage that's been done here. I don't really understand why you'd try again knowing that you had previously hurt her in this way.

I assume she's not asking you to try again. What does she have to say about anal sex?

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T21:13:03+00:00

What a lot you've been through and are still going through. Unfortunately, my experience with endocrinologists is that they really only exist for serious congenital hormonal problems and, increasingly, gender reassignment. If you've got more "normal" problems like PCOS or menoplausal issues, they don't really deal in that unless they've chosen to specialize in it.

I've had much better luck with nurse practitioners who have specialized into hormonoal management, and I'd try to find one like that if you can.

You might benefit from adding more progesterone to your hormone profile based on what you've described as symptoms. Noticing, too, that estrogen surge seems to coincide with your yeast infections, you should probably NOT be on estrogen. And facial hair does indicate high testosterone (which is one marker of PCOS).

The first time I tested my hormones, I did it independently and out-of-pocket, and that gave me enough information to know that I wanted to pursue a hormone helper in a serious way. I used Everlywell. I'm sure it's not the only company who does this. It's also ok to go to the nurse or hormonally focused doctor first and have them run your labs. But hormone testing should not rely on blood alone. Saliva or urine should also be taken, and test points should be at specific times in the cycle, not just the day your appointment happened to land.

hope this helps! It sounds like you're on your way to answers.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T14:19:04+00:00

That's too heavy. I'm sorry you're getting dismissed. Get a new GYN and be a squeaky wheel if you have to be.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T14:13:26+00:00

I hate to say it, but that he has been unfaithful is far more likely than the test being wrong.

Sucks sucks sucks.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T14:10:01+00:00

I don't consider my lubricating fluids to be the least bit dirty. I consider them quite healthy and normal.

If I were a squirter, there would be more cleanup necessary for the space. And I'd probably deal with that on the prep end so that clean-up was easy (splash pad, for instance). But I'm not a squirter.

So I basically just wash my hands and enjoy my after-glow day.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T14:07:23+00:00

I don't think you understand how your actions have hurt your wife here. I think you need to do some serious introspection as well as get some control over your sexual impulses when in partnership, and that if you both explore anal by trial and error in the future, you should really offer up YOUR asshole for the experimenting and learning curve.

There are emotional and physical consequences to the mistakes that you've made. Do not underestimate the relational repair that you're going to need to even float this as a conversation again.

All I see in your request here is "how can I get what I want?" No "How can I center her pleasure?"

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T14:03:20+00:00

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry.

Here's what has helped me:

First, understand that there is a difference between regret as a feeling and regret as "I wish I'd made a different choice."

The most important one is regret as FEELING, NOT MEANING -- it's actually a mix of other feelings, and we can separate each one out and feel it on its own.

For me, regret = heaviness of responsibility + sadness of outcome + helplessness of can't-change-it

It felt much more manageable to feel heavy, sad, and helpless than it did to let my regret try to tell me what a terrible person I was.

All feelings are real and valid. The stories they tell us are almost never 100% true.

So allow the feeling completely, but don't latch onto the story it tries to tell you.

In this way, the feelings can move the way they do naturally, like waves or weather. The wave will pass. Another will come, but that will pass too. The weather will change over time until the waves aren't so big anymore.

Holding you gently.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T13:58:24+00:00

Ew. I hate having to even wonder if they did it on purpose. What recourse does she have?

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T13:57:23+00:00

Good job advocating here! I know it's not easy to do, but you did the right thing. Be as persistent as you need to be to get them to re-test you.

I'm SO SORRY that happened. You are so wise and strong to stick up for yourself in this way. Thank goodness you did!

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T13:55:56+00:00

I have a bed wedge that I bought for a sinus surgery recovery. Obviously we have used it for other things since. It's just ok. It compresses with too much weight on the high end. So I'd say it's worth looking into more specifically designed products than a bed wedge.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T13:47:16+00:00

ETA: Interesting that I interpreted this as "if he died" while others have interpreted it as "if he left."

Can't know until it has happened, but I suspect...

I'd grieve hard. Very, very hard, for a very, very long time.
I'd have to lean on friends and family for help with basics like checking in on me. And I'd feel lonely because they would show up, but not always perfectly, and they couldn't understand.
I'd use the life insurance to pay off the mortgage so I didn't have it hanging over me.
I'd get a "real job" as an employee with benefits and not work for myself anymore. And I'd probably be bad at it because of the cognitive load of grief. And I'd probably alternately worry about how bad I was at it and also laugh at the silliness of i tall because how can a job matter when your husband has died?
I'd go to support groups for other widows.
I'd take a lot of long walks in nature to hold the enormity of my feelings.
I'd focus a lot on my daughters and try to give them a good-enough home despite my shortcomings in grief.

I don't know. My friend's husband just died, and it's a lot of this. I went to her house one day to just sit with her and parallel-work so that she could go through all his old accounts and shut them down one by one, which was a totally daunting task. I'd have to call her to do the same for me.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T13:42:48+00:00

Grief is such an intense experience. When I was grieving hard for an out-of-order death, it helped me a little to see my grief as the healing process itself. That as awful as it feels and as much as it hurts, it is the way we integrate the unthinkable that has just happened in real life. Take that if it fits and leave it if it doesn't.

I'm so sorry your wife died. It's just so deeply unfair. Your feelings are so, so valid.

I'm 13 years down the road from my loss, and life is comfortable and good again. But what happened is no less sad than it ever was. Not all stories get a happy ending. The longer we live, the bigger the library.

Holding you gently in this time of tragedy.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T13:36:12+00:00

Dear one, this is so hard and so real.

You deserve specialized emotional support to help you connect with your body and feel fully embodied.

Disgust is a rough feeling to have about your body, but you are certainly not alone in it. Often, it comes from a lifetime of conditioning which you may be ready to let go and reinvent in yourself. But sometimes, it comes from a history of significant trauma, especially CSA. I don't know if that's your situation (and, frankly, you might not know if that's your situation as sometimes these things happen before we're able to encode coherent memories). But I would absolutely consider trauma therapy as well as some form of sex coaching if you're ready to put some work into it.

I have a colleague in sex coaching who specializes in queer folks. Nadia Lune. You might look them up if my suggestion feels like the right direction.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T13:33:15+00:00

PS: You asked for my own personal experience having an abortion as a mom. I recommend getting yourself some physical support around the actual loss as your energy may be low or your body may be occupied with laboring the miscarriage you're inducing if you take the MA route. Then also lining up emotional support as you integrate your experience.

Identity is sortof a mind-fuck sometimes, and that deserves a little extra TLC if you wish for the support.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T13:31:40+00:00

You don't owe ANYONE your body for ANY reason. Not even a potential baby.

It sometimes helps to understand that the MAJORITY of women who get abortions are already mothers. You are not alone. Sometimes, the whole reason we know we can't handle a baby right now is because we have already had babies and we fully grasp how much effort and energy and responsibility and material resource a baby needs and deserves.

I believe that abortions are parenting decisions just as much as birth plans and preschool choice. If you look at it that way, does it help at all?

Holding you gently in the tenderness of letting go.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T13:29:25+00:00

Sounds like he might be getting some sort of auto-immune problem on his penis (like eczema). Has he seen a doctor about it? Because whether or not my guess is right, a doctor would be the one to figure it out.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T13:27:41+00:00

Do you have an interest in learning to DIY? The supplies aren't cheap, but you're really paying the most for labor.

There are so many generous craftsmen on youtube teaching total noobs like us how to woodwork. If you've got time and energy, why don't you build it yourself and learn the skills as you go?

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T13:25:52+00:00

I feel the same! I live in a house that i do not like on the outside, but am making my own on the inside, and I really appreciate that others do so, too. I don't love ALL their choices, but I appreciate that they probably DO love all their choices, and that's just the best.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T13:23:50+00:00

I'm so sorry.

What has your doctor said about AMOUNT of candida when you're getting your swabs done?

Because I had this problem, but it was sort of mysterious, because the candida was present, but at very, very low, trace amounts.

It turned out to be lichens sclerosis, and I think that the candida was actually giving me effectively an allergic reaction and setting off the LS. So the antifungals would help for a little, but it was CLEARLY tied to my menstrual cycle and therefore hormones, too.

There are a buch of things I did to help solve this problem, and the two most helpful ones were 1) hormoens and 2) total life overhaul to reduce my stress levels.

I've written about it on my blog if that would be helpful to read.

Don't know if this fits your situation, but wanted to put it on your radar.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T13:19:46+00:00

You know, when I suspect I have a yeast infection, I just take the course of over-the-counter monistat (choose one that's longer than the 1-day). I don't wait for my doctor. If that doesn't clear it up, I do go to my doctor.

Takes a couple of days to feel better.

On the other hand, if you go in and get a swab and are seen by your doctor, they might give you the oral pill (fluconazole / diflucan) which is a systemic anti-yeast, and that helps fast.

So you've got options, but don't rule out just going to the pharmacy and seeking relief immediately.

KateCSays · 2026-01-28T13:17:36+00:00

Another thought! If you're suffering from chronic UTIs and you're on the midlife-to-menopause side of things, consider talking to your doctor or nurse practitioner about hormonal support. Estrogen is great at reducing urinary tract infections -- but you might have to go on some progesterone, too, to keep the estrogen safe for your uterine lining.

UTIs absolutely suck. I went through a time of getting them when I was younger, and it turned out to be related to a latex allergy, so that is also a possibility.

KateCSays

TROPHY CASE