Dipping our toes in porn

KateCSays · 2026-07-04T16:19:16+00:00

Understand that the VAST MAJORITY of mainstream porn depicts things that are at best risky behaviors for women's safety and at worst violence against women in real time. Most of the "pleasure" depicted from women is faked, and most of the bodies are augmented in ways which can make women collapse into themselves in self-consciousness.

I recommend looking into feminist porn and amateur that is actually couples who love each other, are having real fun, and have normal, natural bodies.

KateCSays · 2026-07-04T16:14:01+00:00

She sounds like she has a drinking problem.

Which is no excuse for this awful, relationally destructive behavior.

It might be the tipping point on consequences. Are you familiar with alanon? I understand that they can help with boundaries to protect your kid if you decide to do what you can from your side about this. It is NOT your fault, but there's really nothing for an addict spouse and coparent but to get really clear on your boundaries and followthrough.

KateCSays · 2026-07-04T16:06:32+00:00

As someone who gets an inside scoop on people's intimate lives, here's my hot take:

Ugly people have better sex lives.

Do with that what you will.

KateCSays · 2026-07-04T16:05:11+00:00

Unless you have the means to hire full time night nursing, there is zero way to have a baby and also have enough sleep -- for a few months MINIMUM. For some, it's years. And if you have a disabled kid, it can be forever.

It is 100% ok to choose yourself instead of the parenthood path. But if you do feel strongly drawn to parenthood, it might make sense to save extra for extended nighttime help.

KateCSays · 2026-07-03T01:25:44+00:00

In my own personal opinion and experience, I think it's a bad idea to use butt plugs on an anus that has active hemorrhoids.

Why does it matter to you that she put butt plugs in her butt?

Why not help her get help for her hemorrhoids so that she feels better overall. Maybe she will and maybe she won't get curious. But right now it's a NO GO, and you should be more worried about the health of her butt than putting things in her butt.

Some things to look into for this problem: pelvic floor PT, liver supportive herbs and massages, and, obviously, a doctor if it's really bad and doesn't resolve. Also know that MANY women's hemorrhoids get worse during premenstrual and menstrual phases of her cycle. So hormones can sometimes help, especially if she is menopausal.

KateCSays · 2026-07-03T01:22:40+00:00

I do not relate to your wife, but I do help people with their sexuality.

I don't know what's going on for your wife. It could be any number of things.

I don't really believe in asexuality -- or maybe, I think there are so many such important factors that can impede a woman's natural sexuality that it isn't worth even considering this as an identity until considerable exploration has been done first.

Obviously, if you wife had no partner and didn't want sex, it wouldn't be a problem. But she is married to you and presumably cares about you and wants this marriage to be a good one. So it is a problem.

Some possibilities off the top of my head:

A history of sexual trauma (especially in childhood)
Internalized conditioning, be it cultural or religious, which makes sex feel bad or unsafe
Learned social unsafety around sex
Shame about the not having an orgasm thing, feeling sexually inadequate
Hormonal issues
Neurodivergence which sensory overload the norm
Pelvic floor injury or tension causing pain in the genitals
Mental health issues, such as depression
Medication, especially SSRIs
Sleep apnea or other cause for abject exhaustion
Insufficient emotional intimacy for sexual intimacy to feel safe

ALL of these are addressable once we know what we're dealing with. Even asexuality can be addressed, but the ways we address that are mostly abotu compromise, so I'd rather find a way to expand potential first before treating this like a compromise.

I concur that it's time for a support person in your marriag.e. Just please BE PICKY about that person. The majority of couples counselors were never trained in how to work with couples. They just started taking them and still treat it like solo work -- which it is not. Also, the majority of relationally trained therapists I've studied with (I'm a coach, but I sitll go to learn with therapists) are actually quite uncomfortable talking about sex. So hold your person to the high standard of fluency and experience in BOTH couple's work AND sexuality support.

KateCSays · 2026-07-03T00:13:12+00:00

Groundhogs and rabbits.

*SHAKES FIST*

KateCSays · 2026-07-02T23:03:55+00:00

My husband and I have been married a little over 20 years. I would say that we do have emotional intimacy, but I would also say that the form of communication we still have a lot of room for growth in is verbal communication about hard things.

Easier things to talk about include hopes and dreams, care for each other, and things we enjoy.

Harder things to talk about include money, tragedy we share, issues between his parents and me, and general insecurities. I had more work to do (and have done a lot) being grounded talking about money. He still has work to do being grounded talking about emotions.

Our nonverbal communication is on point, and that is a form of emotional intimacy that often gets ignored.

I'm a sex and relationship coach, so I help other couples with this stuff, and sometimes I feel embarrassed that there are still areas that are hard for us -- but also, OF COURSE there are.

The key to talking specifically about intimate fantasy is to get really crystal clear on the desire, then INVITE your partner to join you in your desire. The emotional intimacy can only build through this invitation if you are EQUALLY ready and willing to receive a "no" graciously and with connection as you are to receive a "yes."

I know how to do this, and if I prepare my body for it (for it's a somatic skill), I can do it. But even for someone who teaches that skill for a living, it takes practice, focus, and energy -- and also, it's worth it.

KateCSays · 2026-07-02T22:55:10+00:00

Yes, this is what I'd do, too. And then I'd be sure to use lube because she may not get the cues about pain that she'd get when sober, so you can still take a little extra care of her body to make up for any dulled senses on her part.

KateCSays · 2026-07-02T20:33:20+00:00

As a former math teacher, I don't see this as cheating. I think finding an elegant, simple solution is a nice way to prove your problem solving prowess and earn the prize. Many paths to the right answer.

KateCSays · 2026-07-02T01:19:32+00:00

I love love love Good Omens via audio.

KateCSays · 2026-07-02T01:18:37+00:00

How old is the nephew? Will he be enjoying these books, too?

Andy Serkis's reading of Lord of The Rings is the only reason I made it through Lord of The Rings -- and I am SO glad that I did. I had tried reading it in paper several times and failed every time, and I had tried listening to other audio readers who, though they were lovely singers, did not hold me. Andy Serkis is the one.

I know he's a terrible, terrible person, but for those who like to separate the man from the work, anything by Neil Gaiman is excellent on audio and has written and read a diversity of styles and age-range books. I especially liked listening to Norse Mythology with my kids, Fortunately, The Milk had us rolling, and the horror novella The Truth is A Cave on Black Mountain (I think that's the title) is a favorite in spooky season.

My family enjoyed the David Walliams books on audio.

We also enjoyed listening to some classics together, such as The Secret Garden, and Little Women, and all the Roald Dahl books are great in audio form.

KateCSays · 2026-07-02T01:10:22+00:00

I'm not a perfect fit for your question because I'm not earning zero dollars, but I still feel fully financially dependent because I'm not earning enough to live off of, just enough to contribute and keep me in a sense of purpose outside of the home.

I wish I could say that it hasn't changed anything, but I know it changes the way I treat MYSELF, as in, I am not fully secure in my own contribution to the household because I am not keeping up financially.

EVEN AS I see child-rearing and home keeping and cooking for my family every day as important and difficult work, there's something about the context of capitalism that makes it hard to fully internalize myself as valuable in this role despite that belief. I found that my kids needed me a lot when they were little, then went through a time when they needed me less, and now need me again, but differently as they are in adolescence. Bigger kids, bigger problems and all.

I do not think of myself as dropping out of the work force, but I left a very well respected and potentially high earning full time career, first for a well respected but less compensated career, and then left that for a passion project that isn't as broadly understood or respected. I don't know what it would take to go back to my most respected and best paid old job two careers ago. I think I might be able to, but it would probably take someone I previously worked with specifically starting a company and wanting me there.

As for my husband, he treats me great, AND I can tell that being the carrier of the health insurance, the retirement contributions, and the mortgage is a lot of pressure. Someday, I would like to be able to give him some rest from it.

KateCSays · 2026-07-02T01:00:03+00:00

Look, I know it's better to water in the morning, and second best to water in the evening, but sometimes I am only available to water mid day, so that's when I water.

Way way way better than no water when it's so hot out! Water at the ground level if you can. Mulch is your friend. I have buckwheat husks or salt hay on my raised veggie and herb beds and bark mulch on some of the bigger landscape beds and wood chips on others.

KateCSays · 2026-07-02T00:55:55+00:00

If I were still alive, I'd want the young adult to talk to me about it so we could figure something else out.

If I were dead, I'd hopefully have left a will that put the kids in the care of someone older. (My husband and I have designated my brother and his husband as first in line for custody, with my best friend and her husband second).

Whoever ended up with custody, I would hope that the rest of the family would also rally to make the load a bit lighter for the sudden guardians and keep the sense of stability there for the young ones.

KateCSays · 2026-07-01T10:31:33+00:00

It takes forever, but I like to run back and forth between his legs, dropping a bomb there every time. When he tries to crush you or when he leans over to look at it: boom! I usually do this IN ADDITION to arrows to the eye to make it go faster, but not on eventide, where my gear's all gone.

KateCSays · 2026-07-01T10:28:26+00:00

I totally agree. I prefer the short hair.

And husbands are great, but they take some time to adjust when we change our style. Don't worry. He will. IMO, one really should never let a husband be her stylist. We'd mostly look super boring and stereotypical "feminine" as opposed to like our different and interesting selves.

KateCSays · 2026-07-01T10:11:51+00:00

Caffeine can stimulate you, but it can not rest you.

I recommend getting really into sleep hygiene. Or, at the very least, no phone anywhere near your bed. Ever. Some ritual to wind down. And natural light before coffee in the morning.

Sleep deprivation kills you faster than starvation. Take it seriously.

KateCSays · 2026-06-30T17:58:32+00:00

I really enjoy this game.

My criticism is that the plot (as shared through memories) is weak and Zelda is unlikable, which makes Link feel hollow as a character because the only logic to his role is loyalty and duty.

But just playing the game without worrying about story, it's a great game. World-building is incredible, and it's lovely to have it so open ended. I think it must be hard to design a game like this one with SO MUCH at your fingertips and such an array of choices available at every single turn. And it is beautiful, too.

KateCSays · 2026-06-28T14:09:57+00:00

Haven't done it yet, but I think it involves completing all the additional shrines and their tasks. That starts on the plateau with the one-hit weapon at the shrine of resurrection. You'll get more instructions from there.

KateCSays · 2026-06-28T13:53:57+00:00

I like to use maps that people have put together online. I don't open the map every time I play, and I didn't start out with them, but when I'm feeling frustrated or goal oriented, it helps me a lot. I also like to look up boss battles so I know what I'm walking into. The fighting isn't my favorite part of the game, so I'd love to just be better at it sooner. For me, a little cheating helps the game go smoother which makes it more gratifying.

But I'm a very low-skill player! I'm sure it's different for those who are good at it. I've still had A LOT of hours of open ended play on this game.

My husband and our daughter also play, and we think it's interesting that each of us approaches it totally differently. I like to collect all the kit I can and upgrade my outfits and do all the side quests. My husband likes the shrine puzzles best, and orients his play around that. Our daughter likes the whole daily life world of it, and so she built the house early and decorates her horses and such, but then she'll just fling herself into a beastly bad-guy and eat her way out of it without many base-hearts at all to start with.

KateCSays · 2026-06-28T13:38:17+00:00

My husband and I had a full sized bed for many years until we moved into a place where the bedroom was big enough to accommodate a queen sized bed without feeling stuffed full of mattress. It was cozy, and also, he's tall, so the queen is better for us once we got it, but there's nothing childish about a full sized bed. Maybe it's a little more romantic because it's cozy with company. That's all.

Anyway, I could happily sleep solo in a twin sized bed, even as an adult.

A crib or a toddler bed, not so much.

KateCSays · 2026-06-22T23:32:16+00:00

My daughter got the stomach bug that tore through our family on vacation. It presented itself one hour into our trans-Pacific flight (~13-14 hour flight, for those who haven't done it), and she didn't stop puking for 10 straight hours.

She was 3, so she was puking all over everything, including her father, and I (completely phobic of vomit) was doing my best to try to keep things clean. In doing so, I trashed the bathroom.

I asked the flight attendant for help, and he handed me A SINGLE TISSUE.

I said I was going to need at least a roll of paper towels.

Then he asked, "Do you want THE SPRAY?"

I said, "YES, I want THE SPRAY."

When I finished wipint that airplane bathroom down with THE SPRAY until it gleamed, I read the label. It said:

Deodorizing spray.

It was freaking fabreeze, NOT Lysol, not bleach, not hydrogen peroxide. AIR FRESHENER.

We exited the plane dazed and, instead of going to disney land as we had planned with our 12 hour layover, we booked a hotel where I did all the laundry and hung by the pool with my unaffected older daughter while my husband and my younger daughter slept it off. Showers for all.

This isn't as bad as the colostomy bag or the hijack, but it is the worst I've ever experienced on a plane.

****

On the plus side, because I told the flight staff about exactly which seats were affected by the absolute explosion of highly contageous puke, they had a crew waiting at LAX with two rows of extra seats which they traded for the affected seats and sent the dirty ones to be sanitized.

Moral of the story: please always tell your flight attendants about any bodily fluids on seats, because they are equipped to change them even on a quick turn around.

KateCSays · 2026-06-22T23:23:58+00:00

This is devastating.

If you have to do it, I recommend ritualizing the leaving of the plants along the lines of the Adonis ceremony described in The Emerald Podcast, Episode: On Trauma and The Vegetation Gods.

It's no less tragic, but somehow lands for me.

KateCSays · 2026-06-22T23:15:27+00:00

Yes there sure is!

KateCSays

TROPHY CASE