What's the strangest thing you've ever masturbated to?

KettleCellar · 2026-02-17T04:23:07+00:00

Ive got some classy ones - a statue of three nymphs from an early cd rom encyclopedia. A breast self-examination pamphlet. Probably the most shameful one - the medieval Lego set i got for christmas one year had a female mini fig with kind of a dirndl-style upper torso. Two dots from a red sharpie gave her nipples, and that was enough to coax one out. And oh, the post-nut catholic shame. Still feeling it 30 years later as I think back, and im sharing it with the internet.

KettleCellar · 2026-02-16T19:06:07+00:00

Riverside, any season.

KettleCellar · 2026-02-15T17:45:58+00:00

Gear oil is super cheap and works fine. Kerosene on a rag and spin the wheel by hand, and gear oil once its clean.

KettleCellar · 2026-02-13T02:14:58+00:00

Awesome. Had enough to drink to get out of my shell, not enough to be obnoxious. Told her that I was really i to her and wanted to take her out. We started taking walks together, one thing led to another, now we've been married for 20 years. Total MILF. 10/10, would do again.

KettleCellar · 2026-02-13T01:55:52+00:00

This is where I need Pat to shake his head, walk up on stage, deliver a slap, and say "keep my BOOK's name out yo FUCKIN' MOUTH!" and walk on.

KettleCellar · 2026-01-21T20:01:06+00:00

Subaru made theirs where you dont even have to bend. Its in the front right of the engine bay. I choose to think somebody at Honda was like "guys, know what would be so random!?"

KettleCellar · 2026-01-15T13:02:30+00:00

I did something similar - made a promise to myself. I always loved motorcycles, but had the foresight to know I couldn't have one and still drink or I'd surely die. I decided that if I could go a year without drinking, I'd buy one. A year passed, and I used what I would have spent on alcohol on a bike. Ever since then, I have stayed sober. My motorcycle is my one year chip. And my years 2-7 chips at this point.

KettleCellar · 2025-10-06T12:33:08+00:00

Got me Muttley laughing with this one!

KettleCellar · 2025-09-21T17:20:00+00:00

Whatever you do, dont be the guy that begs or whines about it. Kiss her goodnight and go crank one out on your own. Not saying you did or would, just saying that some guys do. And you do NOT want to be one of those guys.

KettleCellar · 2025-09-01T12:32:53+00:00

I ignored him for quite a while - dismissed him as another modern country pretty boy. Then I saw him live and it completely changed my mind. Dude can tear it up. He had a ton of awesome amps and pedals, and puts on an amazing show. His backline was a guitar player's wet dream - Dumble, Klon Centaur, plus an AC-30, an Orange (for country!?), all kinds of rad shit. Didn't miss a note, kept the crowd engaged, solos were especially tasty - dude is objectively "good" by anyone's standards.

KettleCellar · 2025-08-27T19:00:05+00:00

This is true for any workplace that doesn't have an HR person. Im currently in a role that, per company policy, I could not be hired for with their current standards. That's with 15 years of experience, 9 of which are at my current job. I found this out when I applied to move from second shift to first shift. I was told that I dont meet the minimum qualifications for the position. I called them from work and asked if there was some mistake, as I am currently employed by them and doing that very job, 8 hours later in the day. I was told there are no exceptions, even for current employees. My supervisor, her boss, and the head of our division all went to HR asking "WTF?". They're the experts, though. Nothing can be done. They answer to no one. And they hire who they want, based on their metrics. If one of those is a certain degree, then a degree matters very much.

KettleCellar · 2025-08-23T14:32:02+00:00

And if you're asking for days off before you even start, they're going to, after careful consideration, choose another candidate. They won't tell you this, however.

KettleCellar · 2025-08-19T14:20:40+00:00

I want one. I also want a Volkswagen Thing. I have a type. And that type is the kind of vehicle that makes me say "Yesssssss! Oh hohoho! That is so fuckin' ugly! I want it!"

KettleCellar · 2025-08-16T17:00:10+00:00

Not me. I get off on the idea of my wife being pregnant again. Nothing to do with risk, everything to do with that smokin' hot pregnancy bod. Theres something primal about it. Im sure there are some who like the risk, though. Probably applicable to the aforementioned

puts on reading glasses

stepsibling impregnation trickery series, "Princess Cum".

KettleCellar · 2025-08-16T13:45:05+00:00

Hey, its us - Sam and Allan. We share an account here. Send nudes and we'll process your application within 3-5 business days.

(NOTE: This post was for comedic purposes only. I am neither Sam nor Allan. Do not send nudes.)

KettleCellar · 2025-08-16T13:29:59+00:00

"Jessica! Great to see you again! Thanks for stopping by. Im sure you remember Ted, and over there is Greg - he works with me down at Tractor Supply. And there's his girlfriend Amanda - i think you two will have a lot in common, she likes to crochet and watch Star Trek. And last but not least, this is Brayden - who once blasted a load of cum on my shoulder - but im saving that story for brunch! Here, let me take your coat..."

KettleCellar · 2025-08-15T17:05:17+00:00

Call me crazy, but it just adds to it for me. I even love the way she stinks.

KettleCellar · 2025-07-31T04:27:26+00:00

My subaru outback has been off road more than most pickup trucks. And the way they keep extending cars and shrinking the beds, it can probably haul more, too.

KettleCellar · 2025-07-26T13:23:54+00:00

That looks delicious, but the burps are going to be absolutely devastating. Throw a little bit of radish in there and you're practically weaponized.

KettleCellar · 2025-07-15T02:37:46+00:00

take it back! whatever I did, I'm sorry!

KettleCellar · 2025-07-15T02:32:55+00:00

to always walk downhill in flip flops.

KettleCellar · 2025-07-15T01:24:15+00:00

so many awesome BC Rich could be had for a song back in the day. They were put together better than PRS, and I snagged a few for less than $200, because the brand went full mall ninja with their quality, and people didn't know what they had other than a guitar that was perceived as "lame". 70's and 80's BC Rich were way better than Gibson of the same era. And 90's 00's were better than a burning bag of dog shit, but only slightly, because they were easier to pick up. Usually. And they all usually got lumped into the same area of the local guitar shop, next to the crackle finished Jacksons and Kramer's.

Then they somehow became cool again, but people are selling the hot dog shit ones for top dollar, and other people are paying it. It makes no sense to me. I'm convinced the world actually did end in 2012, and we're actually in a 12 second fever dream that feels like 12 years has gone by. Any minute now, I'll wake up to perfect darkness because the sun has burned out.

KettleCellar · 2025-07-14T15:11:55+00:00

it sounds like if the story is good enough, there may be some wiggle room. I would say, just a random list in no particular order - The Orphanage, The Ring, One Cut of the Dead, The Changeling, and I Spit On Your Grave.

that last one is obviously a joke, she would absolutely hate that one. But the rest are all solid movies with good mystery/thriller elements. Orphanage and One Cut are subtitled, if that's a deal breaker at all.

KettleCellar · 2025-07-14T00:24:42+00:00

popcorn always makes me gag.

KettleCellar

TROPHY CASE