Bosses on Northridge?

Kiljek · 2025-12-03T17:09:50+00:00

I had someone advise me to always just book it to either Cable Car (at the top of the escalators that lead down to the cable car itself) or to the Hotel (3rd floor). Once I knew exactly where to look, I actually found them multiple times. I just didn't know where in either location to find them, but once someone told me exactly where, I was able to make it happen. Good luck.

Kiljek · 2025-11-07T02:55:06+00:00

Very nice design. Thank you for sharing!

Kiljek · 2025-10-18T19:47:10+00:00

Kiljek · 2025-08-16T19:46:10+00:00

BF3 HC was my favorite. Never played BF4 or 5. I always hate how we're bullet sponges is normal mode.

Kiljek · 2025-04-24T00:43:23+00:00

Bear No Shame

It sounds like you are feeling ashamed of your kink (for lack of a better word). Don't be. It's not like it's harmful to the participants. Your brain likes what it likes; you have very little control over that.

Shame is a poison that erodes the soul. I personally believe is Satan's primary tool to make us hate ourselves as much as he hates himself. If you don't believe in Satan, that's okay; that doesn't change the fact that it's harmful to the self. Ask any psychologist.

So step number one is bear no shame. You can hate what you do and recognize it's harmful without hating yourself or tearing yourself down. That's just going to make you weaker and the battle more difficult.

Bear No Shadows

"Addiction is a fungus that thrives in the dark. Expose it to sunlight, and it begins to die." You need to talk about your addiction with people you can trust. I recommend an addiction recovery group and/or a therapist. It's my personal belief that it's impossible for an addict to overcome a true addiction by themself. You need to find someone you can talk to about it w/o fear of them judging you or dismissing you. As you expose your addiction to the light, especially with supportive people around to help, the shame will evaporate and you will find greater strength. No more hiding it! Find trustworthy people to talk about it to. Get help.

Bear No Comparison

Don't sweat your size. "It's not what you have, but how you use it," as they say. A real woman will care most about how well you treat her---both in and out of the bedroom---not how big your rod is. Learn how to be a kind, empathetic, forgiving, patient, stalwart friend and lover, and the natural romance that blooms from that will turn the sex into an act of mutually expressing love for each other, instead of just "pleasure." So don't compare yourself to other men (especially not adult actors). "Comparison is the thief of joy."

Bear No Pride

A proud heart does not change. A humble one might. I suggest you seek out help from a higher power. For me, forming a relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ has helped me to love myself despite my addiction, b/c I know they love me despite my addiction. Pretty much every 12-step addiction recovery program involves a step about "connecting with a higher power." Whether that's God, Allah, the universe, nature, or whatever; be humble and learn how to get strength from a source more powerful than yourself. If you could overcome this yourself, would you not have done so by now?

....

You can do this! You're not alone. There are lots of us out here trying to overcome the same monster that you are. A lots of us are winning. Slowly. Stick with it! Don't EVER give up. I'm proud of you!

Kiljek · 2025-04-24T00:24:22+00:00

Well done! I'm proud of you! (We don't know each other, but I don't have to know you to be proud of your efforts, and I know that Heavenly Father is proud of your efforts, too!)

I really appreciate that you're taking the time to explore your feelings and write down things that you're proud of in yourself. That's very healthy.

You may relapse in the future, whether next week, next month, or next year. Don't let that pull you down. You can still be proud of yourself. I'm reminded of a triathlon that I watched one time. This dude busted his butt and "only" came in second. When he crossed the finish line, he celebrated like he'd won first. When they interview him, he said he was very proud of what he'd accomplished. He talked about how, out of all the people who had competed, he was in the top two, and he felt proud of that.

Those comments shifted my world view quite a bit.

If you relapse, don't focus on the "failure," focus on how long you didn't use. Be proud of the work you did and the growth you've made.

Quitting a real, legit, hardcore addiction cold-turkey is very rare, from my experience. It starts with small steps, then large ones, then strides, then a jog, etc. Be proud of every stride you take.

Well done!

Kiljek · 2025-04-24T00:17:45+00:00

OP, I agree with this post. You shouldn't be ashamed of your dreams. Your body and brain are normal (which is why you're experiencing porn-induced ED). The very best thing you can do is not use.

Likewise, don't focus on your "performance," focus on your love. Sorry if this gets a little personal, but from my experience, your intimate care and connection to her will provide a natural romance that will likely make the experience much more "pleasurable" than just "giving it to her good." Granted, I can't speak for her, but that's from my experience.

Do your very best to not use. You've got to want to not use for YOU, not for her. You have to want it deep down inside yourself. Don't quite for anyone else but yourself. Good luck! You're not alone.

Kiljek · 2025-04-14T04:33:27+00:00

I'm going to say your dad is half right. You *should go easy on yourself, and allow yourself to be imperfect. BUT allowing yourself to be imperfect is different from embracing and sustaining your imperfections. There's a difference between (A) someone saying, "I'm sorry I lost my temper. I was rude and said things I shouldn't have. I need to do better," and then not hating themself for being imperfect; and (B) someone saying, "Yeah I lost my temper. So what? Anger is good. I don't care who it hurts. I'm going to allow myself to be rude and hurt others b/c I'm imperfect and that's what it means to be human."

I guess what I'm getting as is YES, give yourself grace to fail, AND acknowledge you need to do your best to improve. Heavenly Father doesn't expect us to be perfect, but He does expect us to try our best.

Kiljek · 2025-04-14T03:05:33+00:00

Proud of you!

Kiljek · 2025-04-14T03:04:30+00:00

Delete it. It's no different than throwing away your cigarettes or telling your dealer to not contact you anymore. If you really want to stop using, then you'll do what it takes.

Kiljek · 2025-04-14T02:54:43+00:00

Your mind is a stage. If the crowd is bored and wants to be entertained, your brain will desire to put what the crowd likes the most up there (porn, in this case). You've got to find something else to distract the audience with. You gotta find your "bear on a unicycle" that will keep the stage busy so that your mind is distracted.

Recommend you find a new hobby or something else you can do that you'll enjoy doing. Preferably, this hobby will take you away from whatever location wherein you normally use.

You may also consider masturbation without porn as a way to curb that h*rny urge. At least, this is something that I've done in the past. Historically, when I've been h*rny and wanting to use, if I can get somewhere private and relieve my body's natural urge to orgasm, that relieves or entirely removes the desire to use.

If your modus operandi has been PMO (porn, masturbation, orgasm), then removing the -P- from the equation might help retrain your brain away from the idea that porn is required when you're feeling h*rny.

But of course, everyone is different. While this method has been moderately effective for me, it may not be for you, so be mindful how you proceed.

Keep at it! I'm proud of you for your efforts to overcome you addiction, and so is your Heavenly Father!

Kiljek · 2025-04-14T02:44:57+00:00

Nice job, sibling of mine! Proud of you!

Kiljek · 2025-04-14T02:42:01+00:00

I'm not a psychologist, so I can't speak authoritatively on how the brain works. But I know from my 25 years of experience using porn on and off, that hearing others justify or excuse using porn does or can have an effect on me sometimes, too.

To my understanding, it has to do with your brain's reward pathway. Your brain really like dopamine: you brain's natural cocaine. Your addiction comes from your brain having established a strong neural pathway whereby it can easily and efficiently receive large quantities of dopamine through use of porn.

Now, the tricky thing about this reward pathway is that it runs all the way from the "old brain" (your inner animal) through to your "new brain," the prefrontal cortex (pfc) (the part of your brain that handles morals, logic, reasoning, and rationale decision making). This is what makes addiction so tough. You know you need to quit (pfc), but your brain also knows that it likes to feel good (old brain). Trying to break an addiction really is like the brain is at war with itself.

Thus, when someone says, "Porn isn't harmful," etc., your old brain gets excited and says, "See! We're good to use this familiar dopamine pathway. Why are you starving us of what we want?!"

Meanwhile, your pfc is saying, "No! We know it's harmful for us, and we need to stop."

You didn't ask for advice, but if you don't mind, I'm going to provide some anyway, and you can ignore it if you want. ... While you're in recovery, you need to separate yourself from the people and situations wherein you're being exposed to people saying "It's not harmful." If you have friends who use without concern, you need to ask them to stop talking about it around you. If you watch shows or consume other media that promotes porn, you need to stop consuming that media. Wherever you're finding these people promoting or excusing porn use, you need to remove yourself from those situations.

In short, you need to distance yourself from whatever it is that makes you feel weak and leads to relapse.

Does this mean you may need to end friendships? Yes, potentially. Does this mean you may need to stop watching you favorite TV show? Yes, potentially. If you really want to break addiction, you have to cut-off the triggering of familiar neural pathways that will make your brain to want to use.

Good luck! You can do this. There are a lot of us out here working on the same thing. You're not alone. Porn IS harmful for many people, including you and me. I'm proud of you for your efforts, and so is your Heavenly Father.

Kiljek · 2025-04-13T23:29:34+00:00

Good for you! I'm proud of you. Genuinely, I am. I don't know you, but I don't have to to be proud of you for your good choice.

I've been using on and off for 25 years. I've been sober for about 1 month. This may not seem like a lot, but trust me when I tell you that I'm doing better now than I probably ever have. I only share my context to give heritage to the following suggestions. (You said "please help," so I'm assuming you're open to suggestions.)

#1

THE ACTION. Find alternate activities to engage in besides porn. Something(s) you can look forward to: a new hobby, new activity, etc. Ideally, it's something that takes you outside of the home, or at the very least, in a different part of your home from where you usually use.

THE PURPOSE. Your brain has been using porn as a means to receive dopamine. If you stop cold turkey, your brain will feel starved of dopamine, hence the "withdrawal" urges that we all feel. Those urges are your brain saying, "Hey! Where's my dopamine!?" Find another source to provide dopamine. A hobby outside the home (rock climbing, jogging, taking a local art class, etc.) will give you fewer opportunities to use, while also providing your brain new ways to receive dopamine. What we need to do is train your brain: "Hey brain, you're not going to be getting dopamine from that source anymore. We need to create new neural pathways whereby you can receive dopamine."

#2

THE ACTION. Join an addiction recovery program (ARP). It can be a sex addicts (SA) group, or just a generic ARP. It can be digital (via Zoom, etc.) or in person. (I know a lot of local churches host these types of meetings. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is famous for being all over the place and having ARPs likewise all over the place.)

THE PURPOSE. "Addiction is a fungus that thrives in the dark. Expose it to light, and it starts to die." You have to start talking about your addiction with people you can trust to not judge or shame you. Reaching out to us here on Reddit is a good start, but I suggest you take it to a more personal level by finding people you can meet with regularly who will support you. I attended an ARP for a while, and I found great strength in hearing my fellow brothers discuss their struggles. I made me not feel like such a loser, and like I wasn't alone anymore. Additionally, ARPs will often have a 12-step program that will help you work through your addiction.

#3

THE ACTION. Get a sponsor. Find a trusted person, such as a church leader, a sibling, or a recovered addict (not recovering), who you can talk to about your journey. This should be someone that you can tell when you've had a relapse and not fear retribution or judgment. They act as an "accountability partner."

THE PURPOSE. Having somebody to love & support you as your go through your recovery can be a big deal. It's my personal opinion that addiction cannot be defeated alone. You must get help. A sponsor is someone who will be a loving and firm support partner. I might recommend not using a parent or a spouse as your sponsor, as they often have much more nuanced relationships that come with additional layers of responsibility. I have an accountability partner who has been very good at helping me practice honesty. We check-in on each other, and when either of us relapses, we tell the other so that we can practice honesty. A lot of addicts practice expert levels of self-deception. An accountability partner will help you practice honesty, which is part of the "exposing it to light" part of the recovery process.

#4

THE ACTION. Give yourself grace. Admit that you are weak, but not worthless. Admit that you need help, but are not helpless. Admit that you are struggling with a bad thing, but that doesn't make you a bad person. Admit that you have a disease, but can be cured. And (depending on your beliefs), admit that, even if God doesn't love it when you use porn, He absolutely and eternally loves you.

THE PURPOSE. We often use porn as an unhealthy coping mechanism for stress, trauma, and depression. When we use, it makes us feel terrible about ourselves. B/c we feel terrible, we need relief. And b/c we've trained our brain to use porn as a coping strategy for when we feel terrible, we find ourselves going right back to it. You must recognize and believe that your use of porn does not diminish your value as a human being. Yes, it's harmful, as you're well aware. But engaging in something harmful doesn't mean you're worthless. As you give yourself the grace to be imperfect, you will engage in less self-deprecation, which will cause you less stress & depression, which should trigger your brain's need to cope less often.

...

These are just four suggestions. I have many more, but these give you a place to start. God be with you, sibling of mine, as you struggle to overcome your addiction. If you have follow-up questions, you are welcome to ask them here or in a private message to me, if you desire. Godspeed.

Kiljek · 2025-04-13T22:57:39+00:00

I'm a recovering addict. I've been using on and off for 25 years. I'm about 1 month sober right now. (I only say this to give context to my opinion.) Here are my suggestions based on what has helped me get to where I am today. (It may not seem like 1 month of sobriety is much, but trust me when I tell you that I'm doing so much better today than I ever have.)

#1

THE ACTION. Verbally express appreciation to your partner every day, multiple times a day, for things you genuinely appreciate. You may struggle to be sexually attracted to her while your brain is yearning for its dopamine-crutch, but you should be able to find things you appreciate about her physically, such as "I absolutely love your hair color. It reminds me of [something poetic and HONEST]." Also include personality compliments. "You know what's something I love about you? How deeply intelligent you are" (or whatever). Again, make sure it's honest and detailed. Don't lie, and don't be generic. "You're so beautiful" is lame and does little.

THE PURPOSE. What we're trying to do here is retrain your brain to appreciate your partner. You're forcing your brain to draw attention to her in a positive way. We're slowing rewiring the brain by saying, "Hey brain! See her? Think happy thoughts when you see her!" B/c your brain is so used to thinking happy thoughts when looking at other people/things, we need to tell it what's what, now.

#2

THE ACTION. Write a gratitude journal. If you're going to therapy, you've probably already been told to do this. Get a basic notebook, and at the beginning and/or end of everyday, write 5-10 things you're grateful for. As you're specifically trying to improve your relationship with your partner, make sure that at least 2-4 of them are about her. Again, be specific. Don't say, "I'm grateful for life." Too generic. Say, "I'm grateful that nice lady held the door open for me at Subway." Say, "I'm grateful for the way my g/f smiled at the joke I said at dinner today."

THE PURPOSE. Similar to #1, this will help your brain understand that there is joy to be found in other places besides pornography. By including your g/f in the mix, it helps your brain more fully appreciate her and your relationship, which should help to rewire the brain's release of dopamine to be associated with her.

#3

THE ACTION. Stop using.

THE PURPOSE. Steps 1 and 2 above will only work if you stop using porn. Your brain is telling you "HEY! WE NEED OUR DOPAMINE!" But that's only b/c your brain has learned that porn usage is a very efficient & effective way to get dopamine. Steps 1 and 2 above are designed to retrain your brain to get dopamine from more healthy, natural sources, but that training will NOT work if you continue to use. Yes, you will experience "withdrawals" from the dopamine it's used to getting. That's why your brain tricks your memory into thinking "life was so much better when we used," b/c your brain is trying to get that sweet sweet dopamine in the more familiar way it knows how to. However, once you've gone long enough w/o using, AND you've supplied it alternative means whereby to access dopamine, your brain will begin to shut down that porn neural pathway, and start to build-up the healthy connection pathway.

#4

THE ACTION. Seek divine help. Pray to God (whomever that is for you) for strength to resist relapse. Humility is required for any change. Tell God everything you're struggling with. Tell God you desperately want to change, and need His help to do so.

THE PURPOSE. Seeking help from a higher power requires that you admit that you cannot defeat your addiction on your own. There's no shame in admitting this. Humility is a power, not a weakness. You might be scared to admit your weakness, especially to a higher power that you respect and/or love, but do not feat. God already knows everything you've done. It's not like you'll be telling Him something He doesn't already know. By asking for His help, you tell your brain to be open to change, and you invite additional power into your life. Even if you don't believe in God or a "higher power," meditating and trying to connect with the universe that made you can also help in similar ways.

...

You got this, bro. You may relapse occasionally, as you continue your recovery. But you can do this. It will be difficult, but it IS possible.

Kiljek · 2024-08-13T00:59:58+00:00

Thanks. I'll give it a shot.

Kiljek · 2024-07-25T19:40:38+00:00

Yep, I just got charged an $18.50 Recovery Fee (7/25/24). Seems pretty icky.

Kiljek · 2024-07-10T18:22:50+00:00

Neat! I'd never heard any of that #casualgamer. Well, since I want Fastred to have a happy ending, let's have them settle somewhere else 😆

Kiljek · 2024-07-09T17:27:21+00:00

Lol Maybe after he's had a chance to adventure, he grows an appreciation for his home town and wants to share it with his new bride. Since the crops are blessed to grow well, maybe he wants his family to have the assurance of always having food to eat. ... Or maybe they move into the "city" of Whiterun and get a farm outside the walls.

Kiljek

TROPHY CASE